Can anyone please explain the mindset of parents who allow “failure to launch”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my parents' case it was guilt about divorcing when sibling was young.

In our divorced family’s case the two adhd/asd members estranged themselves and now that father enables that offspring. Pays their rent, food, clothes, any tuition programs they constantly sign up for, travel vacations, does their homework and continues to make excuses.

They haven’t spoken to my mother or me in over six years. I don’t think my father’s spoiling of my sibling is due to guilt though, they both think and operate so differently, and would start so many arguments.

This clocks with ADHD XDH enabling addicted DS by handing out money whenever DS asks. My XDH, like your dad, just thinks differently and often doesn't/can't put all the pieces together. The result is spoiling and enabling an addict to buy more. XDA At least XDH and I are on good terms and I can pull back the handouts by arguing reason, at least when it's not too late.

Yes we have that phenomenon. The defunct parent is easy to hoodwink and get money and overpriced materials things from. He thinks it’s love and parenting. And it’s all he does.

This doesn't make sense. People who live in a basement don't have parents that make a lot of money. I mean sure Adam Lanza's mom bought him a gun but she seemed to be the only one caring for him. Where was his dad all the time?

Parents with lots of money have nicer basements, and basements with a separate entry so they don’t have to be in each others’ faces all the time.

How many rich people do you know who are buying their slacker kids a condo?

Wealthy people buy or help buy property for their kids regardless if the kid is a slacker or not

Literally all the slacker rich kids I know are in condos bought by parents.

It’s far from easier for wealthy parents to throw money at it rather than ensuring their kids have the skills to provide for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The parents are enablers. There can be a fine line between helping your kids and enabling your kids. Enabling is often easier than it is to set expectations and encourage your kid to get a job, take a class or learn a trade. Barring some sort of profound disability the kid should be making some progress towards becoming an independent, functional adult.

+1

Lazy parents enable.

Too much hard work, effort and monitoring to set ground rules and enforce them.

[Anonymous]

Again, barring a handicapped person.

[Anonymous]

Bumping this because of a new wrinkle. I'm one of the PPs with a "failure to launch" brother in his 50s. I asked my parents why they just bailed him out, yet again, of a financial mess. Apparently my father asked my brother what his plan was if they didn't bail him out this time, and my brother said he'd kill himself. Do I think he'd kill himself? Probably not. He loves his kids too much, but my parents opened their (very meager) wallets upon hearing that. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bumping this because of a new wrinkle. I'm one of the PPs with a "failure to launch" brother in his 50s. I asked my parents why they just bailed him out, yet again, of a financial mess. Apparently my father asked my brother what his plan was if they didn't bail him out this time, and my brother said he'd kill himself. Do I think he'd kill himself? Probably not. He loves his kids too much, but my parents opened their (very meager) wallets upon hearing that. Ugh.

how manipulative.

Did the call the police and report a suicide threat? that would be a new wrinkle to the bully bail out bro

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, find a good book to read and MYOB.

+1.
For all you know, there is serious mental or even physical illness that you don't know about. Either way, NONE of your business, relax.

A good book may be To Kill a Mockingbird. Take notes on Boo Radley and report back to us OP.

I think some book on CBT would be a better reading assignment for OP.

But, at this point reading anything, including cereal boxes, would be a healthier pursuit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bumping this because of a new wrinkle. I'm one of the PPs with a "failure to launch" brother in his 50s. I asked my parents why they just bailed him out, yet again, of a financial mess. Apparently my father asked my brother what his plan was if they didn't bail him out this time, and my brother said he'd kill himself. Do I think he'd kill himself? Probably not. He loves his kids too much, but my parents opened their (very meager) wallets upon hearing that. Ugh.

how manipulative.

Did the call the police and report a suicide threat? that would be a new wrinkle to the bully bail out bro

And if they don't they get called uncaring and enabling. Some people just don't have it in them to live well. We've got to stop placing blame on others. If someone is toxic to you get away from them and live your life but then stop making them bail you out of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bumping this because of a new wrinkle. I'm one of the PPs with a "failure to launch" brother in his 50s. I asked my parents why they just bailed him out, yet again, of a financial mess. Apparently my father asked my brother what his plan was if they didn't bail him out this time, and my brother said he'd kill himself. Do I think he'd kill himself? Probably not. He loves his kids too much, but my parents opened their (very meager) wallets upon hearing that. Ugh.

how manipulative.

Did the call the police and report a suicide threat? that would be a new wrinkle to the bully bail out bro

And if they don't they get called uncaring and enabling. Some people just don't have it in them to live well. We've got to stop placing blame on others. If someone is toxic to you get away from them and live your life but then stop making them bail you out of life.

Huh? The way above was an update about a manipulative, toxic, failure to launch brother who bullies and threatens his parents until they bail him out again with what little money they have left.

Calling the police for a suicide threat IS caring.

Bailing out is enabling. And not care or caring. Who cares what a psychopath calls it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bumping this because of a new wrinkle. I'm one of the PPs with a "failure to launch" brother in his 50s. I asked my parents why they just bailed him out, yet again, of a financial mess. Apparently my father asked my brother what his plan was if they didn't bail him out this time, and my brother said he'd kill himself. Do I think he'd kill himself? Probably not. He loves his kids too much, but my parents opened their (very meager) wallets upon hearing that. Ugh.

how manipulative.

Did the call the police and report a suicide threat? that would be a new wrinkle to the bully bail out bro

And if they don't they get called uncaring and enabling. Some people just don't have it in them to live well. We've got to stop placing blame on others. If someone is toxic to you get away from them and live your life but then stop making them bail you out of life.

Huh? The way above was an update about a manipulative, toxic, failure to launch brother who bullies and threatens his parents until they bail him out again with what little money they have left.

Calling the police for a suicide threat IS caring.

Bailing out is enabling. And not care or caring. Who cares what a psychopath calls it.

My point was that mean out of control people like this who are mean and demanding will often blame the people they are asking help from and will create a picture that the people being manipulated to help has to help or else they are bad people. That they are owed help and ridicule. While you understand that it's just enabling to keep helping, most of the world doesn't see it that way. The mean person gets very good at throwing a pity party for themself. Even if they see the destruction, others at the very least they don't want to have to deal with the iasues themselves and become mad at the targeted people anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually it is mental illness or some other disability that prompts a family to care about their child’s welfare. I suppose they don’t want to see him dead in the streets.

It’s truly astonishing how many people don’t care about their children beyond this point. It’s sad that this is not rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually it is mental illness or some other disability that prompts a family to care about their child’s welfare. I suppose they don’t want to see him dead in the streets.

It’s truly astonishing how many people don’t care about their children beyond this point. It’s sad that this is not rare.

You don't seem to have worked with an adult who is difficult to work with. You can't force an adult to launch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bumping this because of a new wrinkle. I'm one of the PPs with a "failure to launch" brother in his 50s. I asked my parents why they just bailed him out, yet again, of a financial mess. Apparently my father asked my brother what his plan was if they didn't bail him out this time, and my brother said he'd kill himself. Do I think he'd kill himself? Probably not. He loves his kids too much, but my parents opened their (very meager) wallets upon hearing that. Ugh.

My brother (late 30s) does the exact same thing. Every time he needs my parents to sign him new lease (buy him a car or whatever) he will say thing like: “don’t worry, I will be fine, I will just live under a bridge” or he will be sending emails saying “when I die, please know how much I loved you” Or, sometimes he will be talking about suicide. This has been happening for couple of decades now. I cannot roll my eyes harder when I see those emails, but my parents completely freak out and take up another loan. They already depleted all their retirement savings and now they are getting into debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:better to live in my basement than die

Unfortunately I think that is often the handcuff. And really people who haven’t walked in those shoes have no place to talk.

[Anonymous]

I have a number of close friends and a family member with a kid that is "failure to launch". In all cases the issue is a combination of depression, anxiety and ADHD. In all of the cases the parents are beside themselves trying to keep their kids from going so low they give up on life. It is heartbreaking to see and I wish them all the best - nobody wants to be in this situation typically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a number of close friends and a family member with a kid that is "failure to launch". In all cases the issue is a combination of depression, anxiety and ADHD. In all of the cases the parents are beside themselves trying to keep their kids from going so low they give up on life. It is heartbreaking to see and I wish them all the best - nobody wants to be in this situation typically.

Untreated adhd or asd and all the mishaps that ensure do cause comorbid anxiety and depression.

Why won’t they get professional help for the underlying disorder?!