Am I the jerk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

This is quite the non sequitor. But I’ll bite. How have his struggles and sobriety journey made your life hell, exactly?

OP here. I swore I would never marry an addict and have been very clear that an addiction is something I won’t accept. He didn’t drink seriously for over 15 years and then blames his prior job (which he quit and left) and COVID anxiety for his descent into secret day drinking. I was so pissed when he came clean I threatened to leave him and remind him all the time that no one will question my decision to kick a drunk to the curb. And he could forget the kids and drink away or do whatever he wants as long as he pays child support. That shut down every argument he’s had so he doesn’t complain anymore. But he gets passive aggressive and talks in the whole “I feel” mode to make me feel bad instead of just calling me an ahole like he used to.

So, that’s the hell, PP. see, he’s no perfect prince.

Every time you post you sound worse and worse.

No one wants to marry an addict. But some of us married people and will stick with them through thick and thin, rather than being pissed when they come clean to us with a problem. And yes, I've dealt with addict in my life, so I don't take that lightly. But I cannot fathom having the reaction you had. I honestly have no idea why your husband is still with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He even made the decision to get treatment at night before telling me he was drunk! That’s how screwed up it was. I didn’t even get to choose to ship him to rehab.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am sticking to my guns because I'm in the right. I am the mother and I should have more control over what's happening in my family.

I gave the background info because I think it's important to point out that DH isn't a saint. He's decided to become a drunk and then announced it and left me with the choice of being a single mother or putting up with his addiction. I'm still angry thinking about it.

I know what he does and yes it's fine but there is so much energy I spend thinking about his being an addict, the kids, my terrible job and if I'm honest...I would leave if it didn't make me look like a terrible person. It's all exhausting and I was the happiest in my life before all of this. When I was single and just had a dog and did whatever I wanted.

So, I'm staying but I want to have a say here. What's wrong with that.

FFS. You know nothing about addiction. Also, he's sober now, for a few years, which is incredible. I honestly don't know how he can stand not to drink given that he lives with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am sticking to my guns because I'm in the right. I am the mother and I should have more control over what's happening in my family.

I gave the background info because I think it's important to point out that DH isn't a saint. He's decided to become a drunk and then announced it and left me with the choice of being a single mother or putting up with his addiction. I'm still angry thinking about it.

I know what he does and yes it's fine but there is so much energy I spend thinking about his being an addict, the kids, my terrible job and if I'm honest...I would leave if it didn't make me look like a terrible person. It's all exhausting and I was the happiest in my life before all of this. When I was single and just had a dog and did whatever I wanted.

So, I'm staying but I want to have a say here. What's wrong with that.

It's been 8 pages of people telling you exactly what is wrong with that. You're either the dumbest person on the planet or a troll.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I'm not dumb. If anything, I get the point that I need to speak up, but I need time. I am a slow processor. I need to think things through and I need time and flexibility. I was just looking at our deck. We used to eat dinner outside all the time at the beginning of summer, but now, it's just not happening because everyone is running all over the place. I see all of the problems. And I'm the only one willing to point it out. DH just shuts down and says he can't take the complaining, but it's yet another block preventing me from having my voice heard.

And to all of you questioning me as a mother, I did all of the right things. I was intensely engaged with my kids when they were small, I quit my job (yes, it sucked but it knocked me off the career track I was on and I'm slowly making my way to where I'd like to be), and for all intents and purposes, the kids prefer me. I'm the fun parent. I play with them. I read to them (DH hates reading to the kids, always has, but he has no problem demanding that they do summer math worksheets to memorize multiplication and division tables or review upper grade math, which the kids are always complaining to me about). I am the parent who makes the costumes, bakes the birthday cakes, I set up those first day and last day of school pictures. I do it all. So, again, I'm not some slug and DH isn't some perfect prince. I was clear about his being an addict, which I still am shocked people are like "oh well! He's "sober" now!" It's so hypocritical when posters go on about how addicts are irredeemably damaged people but oh, it's fine for me because he's being a control freak, driving the kids around to a million activities they want to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm not dumb. If anything, I get the point that I need to speak up, but I need time. I am a slow processor. I need to think things through and I need time and flexibility. I was just looking at our deck. We used to eat dinner outside all the time at the beginning of summer, but now, it's just not happening because everyone is running all over the place. I see all of the problems. And I'm the only one willing to point it out. DH just shuts down and says he can't take the complaining, but it's yet another block preventing me from having my voice heard.

And to all of you questioning me as a mother, I did all of the right things. I was intensely engaged with my kids when they were small, I quit my job (yes, it sucked but it knocked me off the career track I was on and I'm slowly making my way to where I'd like to be), and for all intents and purposes, the kids prefer me. I'm the fun parent. I play with them. I read to them (DH hates reading to the kids, always has, but he has no problem demanding that they do summer math worksheets to memorize multiplication and division tables or review upper grade math, which the kids are always complaining to me about). I am the parent who makes the costumes, bakes the birthday cakes, I set up those first day and last day of school pictures. I do it all. So, again, I'm not some slug and DH isn't some perfect prince. I was clear about his being an addict, which I still am shocked people are like "oh well! He's "sober" now!" It's so hypocritical when posters go on about how addicts are irredeemably damaged people but oh, it's fine for me because he's being a control freak, driving the kids around to a million activities they want to do?

So make dinner and serve it on the deck! Or talk to your family: "I miss having dinner on the deck. Anyone else? Let's plan a family dinner on Saturday. I'll cook!"

We're not saying your complaints aren't valid. Just that you need to propose solutions, not just complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm not dumb. If anything, I get the point that I need to speak up, but I need time. I am a slow processor. I need to think things through and I need time and flexibility. I was just looking at our deck. We used to eat dinner outside all the time at the beginning of summer, but now, it's just not happening because everyone is running all over the place. I see all of the problems. And I'm the only one willing to point it out. DH just shuts down and says he can't take the complaining, but it's yet another block preventing me from having my voice heard.

And to all of you questioning me as a mother, I did all of the right things. I was intensely engaged with my kids when they were small, I quit my job (yes, it sucked but it knocked me off the career track I was on and I'm slowly making my way to where I'd like to be), and for all intents and purposes, the kids prefer me. I'm the fun parent. I play with them. I read to them (DH hates reading to the kids, always has, but he has no problem demanding that they do summer math worksheets to memorize multiplication and division tables or review upper grade math, which the kids are always complaining to me about). I am the parent who makes the costumes, bakes the birthday cakes, I set up those first day and last day of school pictures. I do it all. So, again, I'm not some slug and DH isn't some perfect prince. I was clear about his being an addict, which I still am shocked people are like "oh well! He's "sober" now!" It's so hypocritical when posters go on about how addicts are irredeemably damaged people but oh, it's fine for me because he's being a control freak, driving the kids around to a million activities they want to do?

What the heck lady. If anyone says addicts are irredeemably damaged (which no one in this thread has, but I digress), they are wrong. Just like you are. His sobriety has nothing to do with the issue at hand, but I guess you think it’s some sort of trump card as to why he’s actually the jerk and you’re not. It is not. You are the jerk. YTA.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have too much anger towards your husband and situation to be able to solve this problem. I have a feeling there is nothing your husband could do to result in you not feeling angry towards him; you aren't angry about the camps, you are actually angry about the addiction and that feeling is overflowing onto everything that he does.

You need to start therapy specifically to address this issue --- if you can get past your anger. If you can't get past it, you can't stay in the marriage. If you can get past it, a lot of those issue will disappear.

I'm not saying that it isn't justified anger. But it's very hard to have a marriage when that is there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm not dumb. If anything, I get the point that I need to speak up, but I need time. I am a slow processor. I need to think things through and I need time and flexibility. I was just looking at our deck. We used to eat dinner outside all the time at the beginning of summer, but now, it's just not happening because everyone is running all over the place. I see all of the problems. And I'm the only one willing to point it out. DH just shuts down and says he can't take the complaining, but it's yet another block preventing me from having my voice heard.

And to all of you questioning me as a mother, I did all of the right things. I was intensely engaged with my kids when they were small, I quit my job (yes, it sucked but it knocked me off the career track I was on and I'm slowly making my way to where I'd like to be), and for all intents and purposes, the kids prefer me. I'm the fun parent. I play with them. I read to them (DH hates reading to the kids, always has, but he has no problem demanding that they do summer math worksheets to memorize multiplication and division tables or review upper grade math, which the kids are always complaining to me about). I am the parent who makes the costumes, bakes the birthday cakes, I set up those first day and last day of school pictures. I do it all. So, again, I'm not some slug and DH isn't some perfect prince. I was clear about his being an addict, which I still am shocked people are like "oh well! He's "sober" now!" It's so hypocritical when posters go on about how addicts are irredeemably damaged people but oh, it's fine for me because he's being a control freak, driving the kids around to a million activities they want to do?

So make dinner and serve it on the deck! Or talk to your family: "I miss having dinner on the deck. Anyone else? Let's plan a family dinner on Saturday. I'll cook!"

We're not saying your complaints aren't valid. Just that you need to propose solutions, not just complain.

This. Nobody is saying you're a bad mother. You're annoying your DH by complaining but not proposing any solutions. And you did agree to this summer plan. And it's ridiculous to criticize him for using a calendar.

If your processing speed is too slow, take some time alone, in advance, to think about what you want to say. Think about which activities are most valuable for the school year, and which you'd like to eliminate. Then make that proposal to your DH and try to reach an agreement. If you're a slow processor, you need to make the effort to give yourself extra time. If your DH is rushing you, say "You are rushing me and I need more time", but then you actually do have to get your act together to make some choices. You say you want control, but having control and responsibility means getting the research and decision-making work done and getting it done on time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm not dumb. If anything, I get the point that I need to speak up, but I need time. I am a slow processor. I need to think things through and I need time and flexibility. I was just looking at our deck. We used to eat dinner outside all the time at the beginning of summer, but now, it's just not happening because everyone is running all over the place. I see all of the problems. And I'm the only one willing to point it out. DH just shuts down and says he can't take the complaining, but it's yet another block preventing me from having my voice heard.

And to all of you questioning me as a mother, I did all of the right things. I was intensely engaged with my kids when they were small, I quit my job (yes, it sucked but it knocked me off the career track I was on and I'm slowly making my way to where I'd like to be), and for all intents and purposes, the kids prefer me. I'm the fun parent. I play with them. I read to them (DH hates reading to the kids, always has, but he has no problem demanding that they do summer math worksheets to memorize multiplication and division tables or review upper grade math, which the kids are always complaining to me about). I am the parent who makes the costumes, bakes the birthday cakes, I set up those first day and last day of school pictures. I do it all. So, again, I'm not some slug and DH isn't some perfect prince. I was clear about his being an addict, which I still am shocked people are like "oh well! He's "sober" now!" It's so hypocritical when posters go on about how addicts are irredeemably damaged people but oh, it's fine for me because he's being a control freak, driving the kids around to a million activities they want to do?

Is he a control freak though? Or is he implementing the summer plan ***that you both agreed to***. If you don't like it, why did you agree to it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A troll that can keep things going for 12 pages is a skilled troll: 10/10 troll score.

Congratulations, OP!

I'm hoping it makes Jeff's blog because I want to read his summary.

LOL same. I think it definitely will.

+1 this was my thought as well! And hope Jeff opines on whether OP is a troll / has started other threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A troll that can keep things going for 12 pages is a skilled troll: 10/10 troll score.

Congratulations, OP!

I'm hoping it makes Jeff's blog because I want to read his summary.

LOL same. I think it definitely will.

+1 this was my thought as well! And hope Jeff opines on whether OP is a troll / has started other threads.

No indication she's a troll: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1144607.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A troll that can keep things going for 12 pages is a skilled troll: 10/10 troll score.

Congratulations, OP!

I'm hoping it makes Jeff's blog because I want to read his summary.

LOL same. I think it definitely will.

+1 this was my thought as well! And hope Jeff opines on whether OP is a troll / has started other threads.

No indication she's a troll: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1144607.page

Ha, thanks!

13 pgs in, I see we have not heeded Jeff's sage advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A troll that can keep things going for 12 pages is a skilled troll: 10/10 troll score.

Congratulations, OP!

I'm hoping it makes Jeff's blog because I want to read his summary.

LOL same. I think it definitely will.

+1 this was my thought as well! And hope Jeff opines on whether OP is a troll / has started other threads.

No indication she's a troll: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1144607.page

Doesn't mean she isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A troll that can keep things going for 12 pages is a skilled troll: 10/10 troll score.

Congratulations, OP!

I'm hoping it makes Jeff's blog because I want to read his summary.

You got your wish. She made the big times! Good read.