Am I the jerk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm not dumb. If anything, I get the point that I need to speak up, but I need time. I am a slow processor. I need to think things through and I need time and flexibility. I was just looking at our deck. We used to eat dinner outside all the time at the beginning of summer, but now, it's just not happening because everyone is running all over the place. I see all of the problems. And I'm the only one willing to point it out. DH just shuts down and says he can't take the complaining, but it's yet another block preventing me from having my voice heard.

And to all of you questioning me as a mother, I did all of the right things. I was intensely engaged with my kids when they were small, I quit my job (yes, it sucked but it knocked me off the career track I was on and I'm slowly making my way to where I'd like to be), and for all intents and purposes, the kids prefer me. I'm the fun parent. I play with them. I read to them (DH hates reading to the kids, always has, but he has no problem demanding that they do summer math worksheets to memorize multiplication and division tables or review upper grade math, which the kids are always complaining to me about). I am the parent who makes the costumes, bakes the birthday cakes, I set up those first day and last day of school pictures. I do it all. So, again, I'm not some slug and DH isn't some perfect prince. I was clear about his being an addict, which I still am shocked people are like "oh well! He's "sober" now!" It's so hypocritical when posters go on about how addicts are irredeemably damaged people but oh, it's fine for me because he's being a control freak, driving the kids around to a million activities they want to do?

There is so much here I don't know where to start, but (i) if what you took from this thread is that you need to speak up, rather than be a better and more tolerant person, parent and partner, I don't know what to say, (ii) there's no way you're the fun anything, but (iii) even if you are, the fun parent typically is the one who abdicates responsibility for the hard parenting tasks to the other parent. It's not a badge of honor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A troll that can keep things going for 12 pages is a skilled troll: 10/10 troll score.

Congratulations, OP!

I'm hoping it makes Jeff's blog because I want to read his summary.

You got your wish. She made the big times! Good read.

"This is a case in which it might be better for all involved if the original poster is a troll."

That is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A troll that can keep things going for 12 pages is a skilled troll: 10/10 troll score.

Congratulations, OP!

I'm hoping it makes Jeff's blog because I want to read his summary.

You got your wish. She made the big times! Good read.

Haha yep! And Congrats to OP if this was the goal

[Anonymous]

Whut? OP you are 100% the jerk. This has nothing to do with you. You aren’t doing any of the work to coordinate these activities. You aren’t sitting home bored wishing for quality time with your kids or planning family activities only to be rebuffed by your busy kids. You are anxious about your workload and your lack of contribution to your household- and placing that on everyone else but yourself.

If my husband suddenly had opinions in July about the camp schedule, swim practice schedule, and car pools I arranged - for which he does 0 driving and packing of bags - I’d tell him to go pound sand.

[Anonymous]

“At some point, there is really no difference between a completely unreasonable poster and a troll and this poster has clearly reached that line.”

-Jeff Steele

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm not dumb. If anything, I get the point that I need to speak up, but I need time. I am a slow processor. I need to think things through and I need time and flexibility. I was just looking at our deck. We used to eat dinner outside all the time at the beginning of summer, but now, it's just not happening because everyone is running all over the place. I see all of the problems. And I'm the only one willing to point it out. DH just shuts down and says he can't take the complaining, but it's yet another block preventing me from having my voice heard.

And to all of you questioning me as a mother, I did all of the right things. I was intensely engaged with my kids when they were small, I quit my job (yes, it sucked but it knocked me off the career track I was on and I'm slowly making my way to where I'd like to be), and for all intents and purposes, the kids prefer me. I'm the fun parent. I play with them. I read to them (DH hates reading to the kids, always has, but he has no problem demanding that they do summer math worksheets to memorize multiplication and division tables or review upper grade math, which the kids are always complaining to me about). I am the parent who makes the costumes, bakes the birthday cakes, I set up those first day and last day of school pictures. I do it all. So, again, I'm not some slug and DH isn't some perfect prince. I was clear about his being an addict, which I still am shocked people are like "oh well! He's "sober" now!" It's so hypocritical when posters go on about how addicts are irredeemably damaged people but oh, it's fine for me because he's being a control freak, driving the kids around to a million activities they want to do?

Actually, I think people spent the last however many pages telling you to just shut the hell up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. The kids are happy doing a million things and you aren't involved in their activities. So why does it bother you that they are doing so much?

A bigger problem is that you are not pulling your weight. Your husband has the right to be resentful of that, especially if you tell him what to do (while not helping yourself). A more flexible job does not mean less demanding.

OP here. That's what is hard, he doesn't care. He's happy doing all of this but admits it's hard and can be exhausting. But my views should matter. I'm their mother and I feel like time is just flying by with my family shuffling in and out of the door and I'm just frustrated.

When I was a kid, I just was left to my own devices during the summer. My parents were admittedly lazy but this is crazy.

You don't have time to spend with your kids. You don't have time to plan their activities. You don't have time to be a parent, basically. If you're not doing the parenting, then you need to STFU.

[Anonymous]

You are awful OP, I'm quite disturbed by Jeff clearing you as a troll. Maybe your DH isn't a saint but monday morning quarterbacking the person who did all the work and brutally mocking someone in recovery and scoffing at every attempt he makes to work through things with you is abusive, of YOU towards HIM.

Two wrongs don't make a right and all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are awful OP, I'm quite disturbed by Jeff clearing you as a troll. Maybe your DH isn't a saint but monday morning quarterbacking the person who did all the work and brutally mocking someone in recovery and scoffing at every attempt he makes to work through things with you is abusive, of YOU towards HIM.

Two wrongs don't make a right and all that.

OP here.

I am a real person, a mother, and a woman who has suffered. And to make me the bad guy is unfair. I didn't turn my DH into an addict. He CHOSE this. He put all of our lives in danger (he admitted to drinking and driving with the kids beyond the drink or two we'd have together during a dinner for example). He did that. Not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are awful OP, I'm quite disturbed by Jeff clearing you as a troll. Maybe your DH isn't a saint but monday morning quarterbacking the person who did all the work and brutally mocking someone in recovery and scoffing at every attempt he makes to work through things with you is abusive, of YOU towards HIM.

Two wrongs don't make a right and all that.

OP here.

I am a real person, a mother, and a woman who has suffered. And to make me the bad guy is unfair. I didn't turn my DH into an addict. He CHOSE this. He put all of our lives in danger (he admitted to drinking and driving with the kids beyond the drink or two we'd have together during a dinner for example). He did that. Not me.

Why are you complaining about his drinking when he's not drinking? He's sober. And a fully engaged parent who is shuttling around kids to activities all summer. And honestly even if he was terrible it would not change the fact that YOU are behaving terribly. You are dissatisfied with your life and instead of doing anything at all on your own to improve it you are sitting there whining and pouting at the internet about how you just want things to be different. You want a whole summer schedule (one that your kids seem to be enjoying) changed despite the likely significant financial cost to that despite not doing anything to make these activities happen and not being able to provide adequate childcare when your children are suddenly not in camp.

You want your life to just BE different. You want to just transport backwards in time to when you had no kids and no husband. I'm sure he's not perfect, but it takes two to tango OP and you are not tango-ing. You standing in the middle of the dance room while the rest of your family does the best they can to participate in the dance and pouting like a petulant child.

It is rare to get this kind of consensus on DCUM. Maybe you aren't a terrible person, but the resentful poison within you is leeching out of every post you make, so you should do something about that before it turns you into the villain you're so convinced you're not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are awful OP, I'm quite disturbed by Jeff clearing you as a troll. Maybe your DH isn't a saint but monday morning quarterbacking the person who did all the work and brutally mocking someone in recovery and scoffing at every attempt he makes to work through things with you is abusive, of YOU towards HIM.

Two wrongs don't make a right and all that.

OP here.

I am a real person, a mother, and a woman who has suffered. And to make me the bad guy is unfair. I didn't turn my DH into an addict. He CHOSE this. He put all of our lives in danger (he admitted to drinking and driving with the kids beyond the drink or two we'd have together during a dinner for example). He did that. Not me.

OP your anger at DH’s prior behavior does not justify being completely unreasonable today. You feel he hasn’t made amends- I get that. But don’t let that tension mess with your parenting. Go to counselling or something.

[Anonymous]

Who is going to watch the kids if they aren’t in camps/activities? It sounds like you both have to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are awful OP, I'm quite disturbed by Jeff clearing you as a troll. Maybe your DH isn't a saint but monday morning quarterbacking the person who did all the work and brutally mocking someone in recovery and scoffing at every attempt he makes to work through things with you is abusive, of YOU towards HIM.

Two wrongs don't make a right and all that.

OP here.

I am a real person, a mother, and a woman who has suffered. And to make me the bad guy is unfair. I didn't turn my DH into an addict. He CHOSE this. He put all of our lives in danger (he admitted to drinking and driving with the kids beyond the drink or two we'd have together during a dinner for example). He did that. Not me.

So you are going to punish him by refusing to look at calendars together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are awful OP, I'm quite disturbed by Jeff clearing you as a troll. Maybe your DH isn't a saint but monday morning quarterbacking the person who did all the work and brutally mocking someone in recovery and scoffing at every attempt he makes to work through things with you is abusive, of YOU towards HIM.

Two wrongs don't make a right and all that.

OP here.

I am a real person, a mother, and a woman who has suffered. And to make me the bad guy is unfair. I didn't turn my DH into an addict. He CHOSE this. He put all of our lives in danger (he admitted to drinking and driving with the kids beyond the drink or two we'd have together during a dinner for example). He did that. Not me.

The fact that you keep saying your husband “chose” to be an addict is really telling. Absolutely no one who has gone through the work of getting sober is choosing to be an addict. Literally nothing you could say could redeem yourself for how awful that statement is. You obviously have a lot of anger and resentment for toward your husband, but you really need to deal with that yourself and not take it out on your poor kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are awful OP, I'm quite disturbed by Jeff clearing you as a troll. Maybe your DH isn't a saint but monday morning quarterbacking the person who did all the work and brutally mocking someone in recovery and scoffing at every attempt he makes to work through things with you is abusive, of YOU towards HIM.

Two wrongs don't make a right and all that.

OP here.

I am a real person, a mother, and a woman who has suffered. And to make me the bad guy is unfair. I didn't turn my DH into an addict. He CHOSE this. He put all of our lives in danger (he admitted to drinking and driving with the kids beyond the drink or two we'd have together during a dinner for example). He did that. Not me.

The fact that you keep saying your husband “chose” to be an addict is really telling. Absolutely no one who has gone through the work of getting sober is choosing to be an addict. Literally nothing you could say could redeem yourself for how awful that statement is. You obviously have a lot of anger and resentment for toward your husband, but you really need to deal with that yourself and not take it out on your poor kids.

Agreed. I don't think this has anything to do with the calendar of activities--this is about unresolved feelings you have about his past behavior. I think you need marriage counseling to move past that. You are SO angry at him that nothing that he tries to do will ever be ok with you. You guys have so much to work through--start there.