Am I the jerk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I cannot believe you people are taking the side of my drunk husband. After years of reading this board and hearing how being an addict is unacceptable and grounds for a divorce, here you all are talking about the virtues of a man who was day drinking because he had a "hostile" job and fears around covid.

And yes, I've thought about divorce but I'm practical. The amount of resources my kids would lose being with me compared to staying married makes it a no brainer. So, I stay.

Oh please. He used to be day drinking, now he's sober and goes to AA. And nobody's "taking his side", they're just explaining to you that when you agree to a summer plan for the children, it's annoying to want to suddenly cancel things that you agreed to. And we don't understand your problem with paper and calendars.

People are trying to tell you that you need mental health care. I hope you can get some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

This is quite the non sequitor. But I’ll bite. How have his struggles and sobriety journey made your life hell, exactly?

OP here. I swore I would never marry an addict and have been very clear that an addiction is something I won’t accept. He didn’t drink seriously for over 15 years and then blames his prior job (which he quit and left) and COVID anxiety for his descent into secret day drinking. I was so pissed when he came clean I threatened to leave him and remind him all the time that no one will question my decision to kick a drunk to the curb. And he could forget the kids and drink away or do whatever he wants as long as he pays child support. That shut down every argument he’s had so he doesn’t complain anymore. But he gets passive aggressive and talks in the whole “I feel” mode to make me feel bad instead of just calling me an ahole like he used to.

So, that’s the hell, PP. see, he’s no perfect prince.

OK, this is definitely not real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

This is quite the non sequitor. But I’ll bite. How have his struggles and sobriety journey made your life hell, exactly?

OP here. I swore I would never marry an addict and have been very clear that an addiction is something I won’t accept. He didn’t drink seriously for over 15 years and then blames his prior job (which he quit and left) and COVID anxiety for his descent into secret day drinking. I was so pissed when he came clean I threatened to leave him and remind him all the time that no one will question my decision to kick a drunk to the curb. And he could forget the kids and drink away or do whatever he wants as long as he pays child support. That shut down every argument he’s had so he doesn’t complain anymore. But he gets passive aggressive and talks in the whole “I feel” mode to make me feel bad instead of just calling me an ahole like he used to.

So, that’s the hell, PP. see, he’s no perfect prince.

OK, this is definitely not real.

Yes, we're well into troll territory now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I cannot believe you people are taking the side of my drunk husband. After years of reading this board and hearing how being an addict is unacceptable and grounds for a divorce, here you all are talking about the virtues of a man who was day drinking because he had a "hostile" job and fears around covid.

And yes, I've thought about divorce but I'm practical. The amount of resources my kids would lose being with me compared to staying married makes it a no brainer. So, I stay.

Oh please. He used to be day drinking, now he's sober and goes to AA. And nobody's "taking his side", they're just explaining to you that when you agree to a summer plan for the children, it's annoying to want to suddenly cancel things that you agreed to. And we don't understand your problem with paper and calendars.

People are trying to tell you that you need mental health care. I hope you can get some.

This part has made me laugh out loud every time OP has thrown a tantrum about it!

[Anonymous]

A troll that can keep things going for 12 pages is a skilled troll: 10/10 troll score.

Congratulations, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids' summer has been non-stop camps in various parts of town, activities in the evening, activities on the weekend and I am just over it. I've told my husband I feel like the kids are doing too much, they are running all over town and there's no space to just, I don't know, chill. I am getting anxiety just thinking about it.

DH is annoyed because I don't do...any of this. I don't manage the schedule, I don't drive the kids, I don't pack the lunches or do any of the mental or physical work. My job, while remote, is crazy right now (I also hate it by the way and am angry I can't just up and quit because I can't find anything to do) and I am just frustrated. And I've been out of town for a class for myself and then to visit my mother who is recovering from surgery (she's fine, but it was more of an obligation social visit than healthcare, which frustrated me).

DH got annoyed and said, he manages everything in terms of the kids logistics, works at a job that is demanding (also remote, but flexible, he takes calls in the car and will dip into a coffee shop to work on a document...I can't do that). He is the default parent (basically like a lot of the women on here). So, he set up the summer camp schedule, but he did talk with all of us in March but it all seemed do-able but now, looking at them coming and going, I'm exhausted just watching them. And he admits he gets tired, which makes me feel massively guilty.

I'm not great with details, I take forever to make a decision because I like to think through things and that takes time, and yes, I admittedly get decision paralysis. But I'm a good mom, I read to the kids, I provide a lot of the emotional support to the kids, I do fun things with them at home and really being an introvert shouldn't make my opinion worthless.

He was angry that I am taking opportunities from the kids that they enjoy and make them happy because of my own feelings. He stopped just short of calling me selfish and saying if I had skin in the game, he'd be more willing to entertain my view here. He basically said if I want to spend time with the kids, that's fine, but it's unfair to expect them to sit around and watch TV and complain about being bored (which admittedly drives me crazy) because I don't like the schedule. Especially since I don't have to go anywhere.

But my feelings matter, right?

Your feelings matter but you are being selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A troll that can keep things going for 12 pages is a skilled troll: 10/10 troll score.

Congratulations, OP!

I'm hoping it makes Jeff's blog because I want to read his summary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. The kids are happy doing a million things and you aren't involved in their activities. So why does it bother you that they are doing so much?

A bigger problem is that you are not pulling your weight. Your husband has the right to be resentful of that, especially if you tell him what to do (while not helping yourself). A more flexible job does not mean less demanding.

OP here. That's what is hard, he doesn't care. He's happy doing all of this but admits it's hard and can be exhausting. But my views should matter. I'm their mother and I feel like time is just flying by with my family shuffling in and out of the door and I'm just frustrated.

When I was a kid, I just was left to my own devices during the summer. My parents were admittedly lazy but this is crazy.

Ok, so if they're at home are you going to be with them? Or are you going to be working? You sound a bit petulant - you want your kids to be home in case you can pop in and say hi to them for five minutes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here is where I get frustrated, at the end of the day when DH talks about being tired and everyone being so busy, I tell him we need to cut back and it's too f-ing much and he get mad and says having a conversation like this when he's tired and in the middle of the summer isn't helpful. I am so tired of not being heard, but he's just so fast and zooms around and I can't catch up.

SO DO SOMETHING

Talk is cheap. I'm sure your husband is tired of listening to you. You don't get an opinion if you aren't willing to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Guys stop. OP is blending everything DCUM trope into a telenovela.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys stop. OP is blending everything DCUM trope into a telenovela.

I know. I’m disappointed in myself for investing so much time. 😆

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A troll that can keep things going for 12 pages is a skilled troll: 10/10 troll score.

Congratulations, OP!

I'm hoping it makes Jeff's blog because I want to read his summary.

LOL same. I think it definitely will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys stop. OP is blending everything DCUM trope into a telenovela.

It would be quite the soap opera. DH running after OP, threatening her with a calendar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

Wow.

I grew up with an alcoholic mom, so I know how awful it is to live with one. But you're putting quotes around "sober" and complaining about his AA meetings when he's sober for a few years? Honestly you might need to consider splitting up so you can figure out how to take care of your kids full-time because he already seems capable of doing so...

I don't know where you get this attitude of what you deserve. You want to be treated like an adult? Then act like one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here's a perfect example (and I can post because I am on an endless pointless stupid work meeting that needs zero attention but my presence is required).

DH came into my office and said he's going to store and asked me what ingredients I need to make a dinner I wanted to try. I picked up vegetables at the farmers market but there's some things he needed. Our conversation turned into when I can make this dinner because kid one is going here and kid two is going there and I have a training for a sport I am doing and need to go to the equipment store and so on. We started talking through my schedule and he started getting annoyed saying non-responsive things to my questions like "yeah" or "yeah no" when those aren't answers and I'm just like throw everything in the trash. I'm never going to make this. Fine.

He'll make the kids dinner, I'll be stuck eating pasta with vegetables snuck into the sauce like they are toddlers and the world spins on.

So...your husband is going to the store to pick up ingredients for a dish you want to try. Yeah and yeah no are answers, although you might not like them. But you can stew about that while you eat the dinner he cooks as you pout and throw food out. Speaking of toddlers...