Am I the jerk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm frustrated because I can see how busy we are and I am worried about getting swept up in a sea of activities once school starts. Here's a point I made, the kids need time after school to do homework for example. If we load up the schedule and the kids are running all over the place, it's going to be hard on everyone.

And I do drive our son to his music lesson on Mondays. And I am the girl scout mom, I manage all of that during the school year -- it's A LOT of email and nonsense. DH isn't involved at all beyond agreeing to occasionally pick up DD at scouts if I'm busy. So, I'm not a slug. I'm just not the details person. I don't like them, they stress me out, and yes, I'm like a lot of men, but it doesn't mean I'm a terrible mother. My opinions matter here.

DH basically said, I get it, school matters. He then said we need to organize a family meeting with the damn calendar he bought and filled up on the wall and go through all of these activities. Can't we just be the adults and shut this down? I don't want to be sitting in front of the kids with DH saying "Mom" doesn't want you to swim or dance or whatever. It's like once again, I'm the bad guy and jerk (apparently).

A slightly different perspective, OP: neither of my kids wants to do a single extra circular activity. They both just want to be home all of the time. It drives me crazy because I would have loved to do these things, and also saddens and worries me because they are not engaged. You're very lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are awful OP, I'm quite disturbed by Jeff clearing you as a troll. Maybe your DH isn't a saint but monday morning quarterbacking the person who did all the work and brutally mocking someone in recovery and scoffing at every attempt he makes to work through things with you is abusive, of YOU towards HIM.

Two wrongs don't make a right and all that.

OP here.

I am a real person, a mother, and a woman who has suffered. And to make me the bad guy is unfair. I didn't turn my DH into an addict. He CHOSE this. He put all of our lives in danger (he admitted to drinking and driving with the kids beyond the drink or two we'd have together during a dinner for example). He did that. Not me.

If you can't understand that being an alcoholic isn't a choice, you should do your husband a favor and get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here is where I get frustrated, at the end of the day when DH talks about being tired and everyone being so busy, I tell him we need to cut back and it's too f-ing much and he get mad and says having a conversation like this when he's tired and in the middle of the summer isn't helpful. I am so tired of not being heard, but he's just so fast and zooms around and I can't catch up.

OP, with all due respect you are nuts.

Plans for summer camp happen in January. Your husband set up everything and is managing himself. You’re not helping at all! You just wish there was less work to do so you could feel less guilty. Sorry, doesn’t work that way. You provide driving and supervision, then you can plan. Saying let’s pull out of camp at this point in the summer is bizarre and makes more work for everyone. Are you going to call and cancel and make sure there are activities from wake up to night?

I’d be beyond frustrated with you if I were your husband and that’s putting it kindly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm not dumb. If anything, I get the point that I need to speak up, but I need time. I am a slow processor. I need to think things through and I need time and flexibility. I was just looking at our deck. We used to eat dinner outside all the time at the beginning of summer, but now, it's just not happening because everyone is running all over the place. I see all of the problems. And I'm the only one willing to point it out. DH just shuts down and says he can't take the complaining, but it's yet another block preventing me from having my voice heard.

And to all of you questioning me as a mother, I did all of the right things. I was intensely engaged with my kids when they were small, I quit my job (yes, it sucked but it knocked me off the career track I was on and I'm slowly making my way to where I'd like to be), and for all intents and purposes, the kids prefer me. I'm the fun parent. I play with them. I read to them (DH hates reading to the kids, always has, but he has no problem demanding that they do summer math worksheets to memorize multiplication and division tables or review upper grade math, which the kids are always complaining to me about). I am the parent who makes the costumes, bakes the birthday cakes, I set up those first day and last day of school pictures. I do it all. So, again, I'm not some slug and DH isn't some perfect prince. I was clear about his being an addict, which I still am shocked people are like "oh well! He's "sober" now!" It's so hypocritical when posters go on about how addicts are irredeemably damaged people but oh, it's fine for me because he's being a control freak, driving the kids around to a million activities they want to do?

OP with all due respect — you are being an absolute nightmare. You sound so judgmental and mean that I almost wonder if you have a personality disorder.

Having your voice heard is one thing. You are not hearing what you are saying. WHO is going to take care of your kids when they are just oodling around the house — the iPad?

If I were your husband I would leave you. You’re mean, ungrateful, angry all the time, and want your way without putting in any work. The margins of fun time you have with the kids are not actually remotely close to dealing with their lives in a global way as your DH is. He’s looking out for their activities and development while you’re checked out and saying gee, I’m not a details person… give me a f-ing break, who is? It’s a lot of work to figure all of this out. Without lifting a finger you just want to say I think it should be like this. Um, great thanks. You’re living like a kid in the house and not another adult. If you were an adult you’d actually look at the details and participate in making some tough decisions and trade offs. Not just spectate and opine about some mythical way things could be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. The kids are happy doing a million things and you aren't involved in their activities. So why does it bother you that they are doing so much?

A bigger problem is that you are not pulling your weight. Your husband has the right to be resentful of that, especially if you tell him what to do (while not helping yourself). A more flexible job does not mean less demanding.

OP here. That's what is hard, he doesn't care. He's happy doing all of this but admits it's hard and can be exhausting. But my views should matter. I'm their mother and I feel like time is just flying by with my family shuffling in and out of the door and I'm just frustrated.

When I was a kid, I just was left to my own devices during the summer. My parents were admittedly lazy but this is crazy.

Op, your opinion is not that valuable because, like your husband said, you don’t have skin in the game. You didn’t talk to all the parents to figure out what camp was what, like up your schedule so you register your kids within minutes of registration working out, figure out every health form, all the camps various rules and pick up/drop off schedules etc… you are suddenly coming in with emotions mostly based off a projection of your own childhood (which btw doesn’t exist anymore- look outside- what kids do you see doing nothing and wandering around?)

I am honestly frustrated just reading your post because it reminds me of my DH about 3 years ago… suddenly coming in with a random opinion but with barely any mental load in the game.

Read Fair Play… you are not being a real partner on this project called the kids summer to your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. The kids are happy doing a million things and you aren't involved in their activities. So why does it bother you that they are doing so much?

A bigger problem is that you are not pulling your weight. Your husband has the right to be resentful of that, especially if you tell him what to do (while not helping yourself). A more flexible job does not mean less demanding.

OP here. That's what is hard, he doesn't care. He's happy doing all of this but admits it's hard and can be exhausting. But my views should matter. I'm their mother and I feel like time is just flying by with my family shuffling in and out of the door and I'm just frustrated.

When I was a kid, I just was left to my own devices during the summer. My parents were admittedly lazy but this is crazy.

Op, your opinion is not that valuable because, like your husband said, you don’t have skin in the game. You didn’t talk to all the parents to figure out what camp was what, like up your schedule so you register your kids within minutes of registration working out, figure out every health form, all the camps various rules and pick up/drop off schedules etc… you are suddenly coming in with emotions mostly based off a projection of your own childhood (which btw doesn’t exist anymore- look outside- what kids do you see doing nothing and wandering around?)

I am honestly frustrated just reading your post because it reminds me of my DH about 3 years ago… suddenly coming in with a random opinion but with barely any mental load in the game.

Read Fair Play… you are not being a real partner on this project called the kids summer to your spouse.

Oh wow, PP here. I had only read the first couple pages when I posted the above. Now I’ve read through.

OP, are you in therapy? I strongly suggest you speak to someone who has experience with family systems, marital issues, addiction in spouse and any other issues you feel you are struggling with. There is SO much blame, black/white thinking, and resentment to unpack in your responses. I also think you’ve got layers of the onion that need to be peeled back on a lot of your thought processes. I wish you the best.

On the note of the camps though… I hear that you say you need time to process, but at this point the learnings need to be put into preparing for summer 2024, not this summer. Another poster was right, most summer registration happens in January. That means you get your ducks in a row in December. You’ll need a back up plan for January registration because you will inevitably miss out on a few registrations. Most of these camps have a 60 second registration window before they fill up.

[Anonymous]

And if you want to do family dinners on the deck and you are also noticing that your family is really busy then make a plan for dinner on the deck but have it executed and ready for the moment the kids get home.

Example: camp lets out at 4 and kids home by 5 and you want dinner served at 5:30p. Ok, then you and spouse, or just you if he is occupied, decide on dinner ahead of time, while he gets kids you order the food or prep the meal and have it on the way or cooking by the time kids are home. Then food is done and it gets eaten on the deck.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I'm not dumb. If anything, I get the point that I need to speak up, but I need time. I am a slow processor. I need to think things through and I need time and flexibility. I was just looking at our deck. We used to eat dinner outside all the time at the beginning of summer, but now, it's just not happening because everyone is running all over the place. I see all of the problems. And I'm the only one willing to point it out. DH just shuts down and says he can't take the complaining, but it's yet another block preventing me from having my voice heard.

And to all of you questioning me as a mother, I did all of the right things. I was intensely engaged with my kids when they were small, I quit my job (yes, it sucked but it knocked me off the career track I was on and I'm slowly making my way to where I'd like to be), and for all intents and purposes, the kids prefer me. I'm the fun parent. I play with them. I read to them (DH hates reading to the kids, always has, but he has no problem demanding that they do summer math worksheets to memorize multiplication and division tables or review upper grade math, which the kids are always complaining to me about). I am the parent who makes the costumes, bakes the birthday cakes, I set up those first day and last day of school pictures. I do it all. So, again, I'm not some slug and DH isn't some perfect prince. I was clear about his being an addict, which I still am shocked people are like "oh well! He's "sober" now!" It's so hypocritical when posters go on about how addicts are irredeemably damaged people but oh, it's fine for me because he's being a control freak, driving the kids around to a million activities they want to do?

I am replying for the first time. OP, you REALLY need therapy. You have so much contempt for your DH that it sounds like you hate him. Living with that must be terrible for both of you and so damaging to your kids. Your posts reek of a superiority complex that would be very hard for most people to tolerate, which is why posters are sympathetic to your DH. Personally, I find your posts almost repulsive (and I have lived with an -addict before he was in recovery). Stop being defensive, take on board what many, many strangers are telling you and get in therapy.

[Anonymous]

I think it all boils down to this - be proactive and make plans. Stop relying on your husband, stop blaming him for everything. TAKE ACTION.

[Anonymous]

OP:
New poster here, I've read a bunch but admittedly not all 15 pages. So I apologize if I'm repeating.

You're projecting your own issues onto the kids. YOU are exhausted. You're tired from work. You admit that your DH covers most everything with the kids, but you dislike your job, you're stressed out, you're tired. THAT'S OK. It's human. But you need to recognize that it's YOU that is tired and burned out and not happy with your current life, and you are projecting that onto a feeling that the whole family is "doing too much".

It's not the kids activities. You're focusing on those because it's one area that you feel you want to have control over but don't. It's hard for you to just let DH handle it - you want to be more involved, but you don't have the time or energy, and that bothers you so you just want everyone else to stop so you won't feel guilty.

This is all 100% in your head. You can make a change (change your job, lean out, decide to prioritize more time with the kids), or you can make a conscious decision that the current setup is working OK even if you're not 100% happy with it and you'll live with it. The choice is yours. But whatever you decide: please, do NOT sabotage your kids and your DH's way of working things out because you are tired of your job and tired of feeling left out at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm not dumb. If anything, I get the point that I need to speak up, but I need time. I am a slow processor. I need to think things through and I need time and flexibility. I was just looking at our deck. We used to eat dinner outside all the time at the beginning of summer, but now, it's just not happening because everyone is running all over the place. I see all of the problems. And I'm the only one willing to point it out. DH just shuts down and says he can't take the complaining, but it's yet another block preventing me from having my voice heard.

And to all of you questioning me as a mother, I did all of the right things. I was intensely engaged with my kids when they were small, I quit my job (yes, it sucked but it knocked me off the career track I was on and I'm slowly making my way to where I'd like to be), and for all intents and purposes, the kids prefer me. I'm the fun parent. I play with them. I read to them (DH hates reading to the kids, always has, but he has no problem demanding that they do summer math worksheets to memorize multiplication and division tables or review upper grade math, which the kids are always complaining to me about). I am the parent who makes the costumes, bakes the birthday cakes, I set up those first day and last day of school pictures. I do it all. So, again, I'm not some slug and DH isn't some perfect prince. I was clear about his being an addict, which I still am shocked people are like "oh well! He's "sober" now!" It's so hypocritical when posters go on about how addicts are irredeemably damaged people but oh, it's fine for me because he's being a control freak, driving the kids around to a million activities they want to do?

Every time you put the stupid quotes around the word “sober,” you reiterate anew what an ugly person you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are awful OP, I'm quite disturbed by Jeff clearing you as a troll. Maybe your DH isn't a saint but monday morning quarterbacking the person who did all the work and brutally mocking someone in recovery and scoffing at every attempt he makes to work through things with you is abusive, of YOU towards HIM.

Two wrongs don't make a right and all that.

OP here.

I am a real person, a mother, and a woman who has suffered. And to make me the bad guy is unfair. I didn't turn my DH into an addict. He CHOSE this. He put all of our lives in danger (he admitted to drinking and driving with the kids beyond the drink or two we'd have together during a dinner for example). He did that. Not me.

Stop deflecting. We are talking about YOU. Your endless pathetic attempts at redirection by adding new details in a failed attempt to vilify your husband, the only person who’s actually contributing to your family and — horrors! — driving the kids to activities the kids WANT TO DO and that you agreed to in March — is laughably transparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here is where I get frustrated, at the end of the day when DH talks about being tired and everyone being so busy, I tell him we need to cut back and it's too f-ing much and he get mad and says having a conversation like this when he's tired and in the middle of the summer isn't helpful. I am so tired of not being heard, but he's just so fast and zooms around and I can't catch up.

OP, you really don't sound right mentally. Are you able to keep up at work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm not dumb. If anything, I get the point that I need to speak up, but I need time. I am a slow processor. I need to think things through and I need time and flexibility. I was just looking at our deck. We used to eat dinner outside all the time at the beginning of summer, but now, it's just not happening because everyone is running all over the place. I see all of the problems. And I'm the only one willing to point it out. DH just shuts down and says he can't take the complaining, but it's yet another block preventing me from having my voice heard.

And to all of you questioning me as a mother, I did all of the right things. I was intensely engaged with my kids when they were small, I quit my job (yes, it sucked but it knocked me off the career track I was on and I'm slowly making my way to where I'd like to be), and for all intents and purposes, the kids prefer me. I'm the fun parent. I play with them. I read to them (DH hates reading to the kids, always has, but he has no problem demanding that they do summer math worksheets to memorize multiplication and division tables or review upper grade math, which the kids are always complaining to me about). I am the parent who makes the costumes, bakes the birthday cakes, I set up those first day and last day of school pictures. I do it all. So, again, I'm not some slug and DH isn't some perfect prince. I was clear about his being an addict, which I still am shocked people are like "oh well! He's "sober" now!" It's so hypocritical when posters go on about how addicts are irredeemably damaged people but oh, it's fine for me because he's being a control freak, driving the kids around to a million activities they want to do?

This is one of the funniest posts I've ever seen on here. No one it THIS crazy, has to be a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP:
New poster here, I've read a bunch but admittedly not all 15 pages. So I apologize if I'm repeating.

You're projecting your own issues onto the kids. YOU are exhausted. You're tired from work. You admit that your DH covers most everything with the kids, but you dislike your job, you're stressed out, you're tired. THAT'S OK. It's human. But you need to recognize that it's YOU that is tired and burned out and not happy with your current life, and you are projecting that onto a feeling that the whole family is "doing too much".

It's not the kids activities. You're focusing on those because it's one area that you feel you want to have control over but don't. It's hard for you to just let DH handle it - you want to be more involved, but you don't have the time or energy, and that bothers you so you just want everyone else to stop so you won't feel guilty.

This is all 100% in your head. You can make a change (change your job, lean out, decide to prioritize more time with the kids), or you can make a conscious decision that the current setup is working OK even if you're not 100% happy with it and you'll live with it. The choice is yours. But whatever you decide: please, do NOT sabotage your kids and your DH's way of working things out because you are tired of your job and tired of feeling left out at home.

Good post.

OP seems spiteful and like she expects the kids to meet her needs. She seems to see it as a competition for the kid's affection. That is SUPER messed up. If real, her kids will have little to do with her as adults, it's super toxic. That may also be why DH keeps kids busy out of the house. Plus, if parents are working and other kids/friends are likely in camp, how would it work to have the kids in the house all day? Doesn't OP WFH?