Am I the jerk?

[Anonymous]

I still don't get what you want to be heard about. Your guilt that you can't help out and your husband planned everything because you're bad at it? Your kids are happy and busy and your husband, while tired, seems to be handling it fine. There is only like a month left anyways. It sounds like you're unhappy with your own life and taking it out on others. Why can't you find a new job?

[Anonymous]

Your feelings don't even make sense. You can't spend time with them during the day, but you want them to sit at home because you feel guilty you arent involved in their extra curricular activities? Thats insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids' summer has been non-stop camps in various parts of town, activities in the evening, activities on the weekend and I am just over it. I've told my husband I feel like the kids are doing too much, they are running all over town and there's no space to just, I don't know, chill. I am getting anxiety just thinking about it.

DH is annoyed because I don't do...any of this. I don't manage the schedule, I don't drive the kids, I don't pack the lunches or do any of the mental or physical work. My job, while remote, is crazy right now (I also hate it by the way and am angry I can't just up and quit because I can't find anything to do) and I am just frustrated. And I've been out of town for a class for myself and then to visit my mother who is recovering from surgery (she's fine, but it was more of an obligation social visit than healthcare, which frustrated me).

DH got annoyed and said, he manages everything in terms of the kids logistics, works at a job that is demanding (also remote, but flexible, he takes calls in the car and will dip into a coffee shop to work on a document...I can't do that). He is the default parent (basically like a lot of the women on here). So, he set up the summer camp schedule, but he did talk with all of us in March but it all seemed do-able but now, looking at them coming and going, I'm exhausted just watching them. And he admits he gets tired, which makes me feel massively guilty.

I'm not great with details, I take forever to make a decision because I like to think through things and that takes time, and yes, I admittedly get decision paralysis. But I'm a good mom, I read to the kids, I provide a lot of the emotional support to the kids, I do fun things with them at home and really being an introvert shouldn't make my opinion worthless.

He was angry that I am taking opportunities from the kids that they enjoy and make them happy because of my own feelings. He stopped just short of calling me selfish and saying if I had skin in the game, he'd be more willing to entertain my view here. He basically said if I want to spend time with the kids, that's fine, but it's unfair to expect them to sit around and watch TV and complain about being bored (which admittedly drives me crazy) because I don't like the schedule. Especially since I don't have to go anywhere.

But my feelings matter, right?

It sounds like you did get heard. You agreed to all of this in March. And now you regret your decision. Your feelings matter but that doesn't mean you get to change your mind and cancel what your DH set up, losing deposits.

You need to plan it differently next year. And if you can't get yourself organized to make decisions in advance, that's on you. If having a say in this is important to you, you need to motivate yourself to make good decisions.

[Anonymous]

If DH acted like OP, I would lose so much respect for him.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're sad and stressed about your mom and that's what's really going on here.

If you've always been like this about advance planning and making decisions, perhaps you need an executive function coach or an ADD diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I'm frustrated because I can see how busy we are and I am worried about getting swept up in a sea of activities once school starts. Here's a point I made, the kids need time after school to do homework for example. If we load up the schedule and the kids are running all over the place, it's going to be hard on everyone.

And I do drive our son to his music lesson on Mondays. And I am the girl scout mom, I manage all of that during the school year -- it's A LOT of email and nonsense. DH isn't involved at all beyond agreeing to occasionally pick up DD at scouts if I'm busy. So, I'm not a slug. I'm just not the details person. I don't like them, they stress me out, and yes, I'm like a lot of men, but it doesn't mean I'm a terrible mother. My opinions matter here.

DH basically said, I get it, school matters. He then said we need to organize a family meeting with the damn calendar he bought and filled up on the wall and go through all of these activities. Can't we just be the adults and shut this down? I don't want to be sitting in front of the kids with DH saying "Mom" doesn't want you to swim or dance or whatever. It's like once again, I'm the bad guy and jerk (apparently).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the kids happy? Tired, hungry, and happy when they come home is a great thing! Do you at least have dinner ready to go for the nomads? Feed, chill, chat, bed— that’s your responsibility. When they’re asleep, do the cleanup from the day. Laundry and pack camp stuff for next morning. All is fair.

No OP is not doing any of this. She is not even home (at work stuff and visiting mom after surgery)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm frustrated because I can see how busy we are and I am worried about getting swept up in a sea of activities once school starts. Here's a point I made, the kids need time after school to do homework for example. If we load up the schedule and the kids are running all over the place, it's going to be hard on everyone.

And I do drive our son to his music lesson on Mondays. And I am the girl scout mom, I manage all of that during the school year -- it's A LOT of email and nonsense. DH isn't involved at all beyond agreeing to occasionally pick up DD at scouts if I'm busy. So, I'm not a slug. I'm just not the details person. I don't like them, they stress me out, and yes, I'm like a lot of men, but it doesn't mean I'm a terrible mother. My opinions matter here.

DH basically said, I get it, school matters. He then said we need to organize a family meeting with the damn calendar he bought and filled up on the wall and go through all of these activities. Can't we just be the adults and shut this down? I don't want to be sitting in front of the kids with DH saying "Mom" doesn't want you to swim or dance or whatever. It's like once again, I'm the bad guy and jerk (apparently).

Honestly, you sound like a B. Youre all "me me me". First you're pissed because your kids are busy during the summer. Now you're pissed about the school year. Sorryx you sound like a miserable person. Your opinions don't matter because they make zero sense. You're depressed and miserable with your life so you want to bring everyone down with you. Frankly, you suck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm frustrated because I can see how busy we are and I am worried about getting swept up in a sea of activities once school starts. Here's a point I made, the kids need time after school to do homework for example. If we load up the schedule and the kids are running all over the place, it's going to be hard on everyone.

And I do drive our son to his music lesson on Mondays. And I am the girl scout mom, I manage all of that during the school year -- it's A LOT of email and nonsense. DH isn't involved at all beyond agreeing to occasionally pick up DD at scouts if I'm busy. So, I'm not a slug. I'm just not the details person. I don't like them, they stress me out, and yes, I'm like a lot of men, but it doesn't mean I'm a terrible mother. My opinions matter here.

DH basically said, I get it, school matters. He then said we need to organize a family meeting with the damn calendar he bought and filled up on the wall and go through all of these activities. Can't we just be the adults and shut this down? I don't want to be sitting in front of the kids with DH saying "Mom" doesn't want you to swim or dance or whatever. It's like once again, I'm the bad guy and jerk (apparently).

What bothers you so much about a calendar? That's how people visually organize their time.

You are the one who doesn't want them to swim or dance. Your DH is not that person. That's the truth of it here. And if by "Can we just be the adults" you mean "Can my DH replace his opinion with my own, and protect me from the negative feedback from my kids", I don't think that is very adult of you.

Sorry but attention to detail is part of parenting. Nobody really likes it, but that's how it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm frustrated because I can see how busy we are and I am worried about getting swept up in a sea of activities once school starts. Here's a point I made, the kids need time after school to do homework for example. If we load up the schedule and the kids are running all over the place, it's going to be hard on everyone.

And I do drive our son to his music lesson on Mondays. And I am the girl scout mom, I manage all of that during the school year -- it's A LOT of email and nonsense. DH isn't involved at all beyond agreeing to occasionally pick up DD at scouts if I'm busy. So, I'm not a slug. I'm just not the details person. I don't like them, they stress me out, and yes, I'm like a lot of men, but it doesn't mean I'm a terrible mother. My opinions matter here.

DH basically said, I get it, school matters. He then said we need to organize a family meeting with the damn calendar he bought and filled up on the wall and go through all of these activities. Can't we just be the adults and shut this down? I don't want to be sitting in front of the kids with DH saying "Mom" doesn't want you to swim or dance or whatever. It's like once again, I'm the bad guy and jerk (apparently).

What is wrong with a calendar?

And shouldn't the kids get to decide what activities they want to do and prioritize, even if some need to be dropped?

It seems like you don't want to take on any of this mental load / planning but just complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm frustrated because I can see how busy we are and I am worried about getting swept up in a sea of activities once school starts. Here's a point I made, the kids need time after school to do homework for example. If we load up the schedule and the kids are running all over the place, it's going to be hard on everyone.

And I do drive our son to his music lesson on Mondays. And I am the girl scout mom, I manage all of that during the school year -- it's A LOT of email and nonsense. DH isn't involved at all beyond agreeing to occasionally pick up DD at scouts if I'm busy. So, I'm not a slug. I'm just not the details person. I don't like them, they stress me out, and yes, I'm like a lot of men, but it doesn't mean I'm a terrible mother. My opinions matter here.

DH basically said, I get it, school matters. He then said we need to organize a family meeting with the damn calendar he bought and filled up on the wall and go through all of these activities. Can't we just be the adults and shut this down? I don't want to be sitting in front of the kids with DH saying "Mom" doesn't want you to swim or dance or whatever. It's like once again, I'm the bad guy and jerk (apparently).

Are you complaining about the summer or worried about the school year?

Yes, you need to have a family meeting. If your kids are old enough to have enough homework to interfere with activities, then they are old enough to have a say in which activities to prioritize.

If you want your feelings to be taken seriously, you're going to need to learn to communicate, not just whine.

[Anonymous]

I hope this is a troll. You sound like an awful person to be around. Why can't you have a schedule? Why do your kids have to limit activities? You keep whining about your opinion being heard, but its because it makes zero sense. You just want everyone to be as miserable as you are. Please think about getting help. If you were my DH, I'd be contemplating divorce.

[Anonymous]

This has to be a troll.

[Anonymous]

Are you the one picking up the tab financially for all these activities?

Even if you are, shut up and go back to work. Your spouse (I agree genders seem to be switched here) is doing a great job as the primary caretaker and you need to sit back and be thankful or step up big time.

[Anonymous]

So you don't want them to do any activities at all, because it's too hard for you, even though they want to, and your DH is willing to do most of the work? Yes, you're the jerk. Whatever is stopping you from coping with normal life, you need therapy or medication to address it.

If you mean they should each pick just two activities, that's very reasonable. Great.

The purpose of the C A L E N D A R is to compile all the activity information into one place, see the family's schedule as a whole, and ensure that what you are commiting to is logistically feasible. I don't know why this would be objectionable to anyone.