How to handle a kid who does not want a Bar Mitzvah

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son has just started the more intense phase of Bar Mitzvah prep and hates it. He fights us on having to practice, says he doesn't consider himself to be Jewish so does not want to have a Bar Mitzvah. We are reaching out to the (conservative) temple to talk it through, but I am interested in how others might handle it. On the one hand, I hate to teach him the lesson that he can get out of doing anything he doesn't like. On the other hand, he is overall a very hard working kid who will do his regular homework and even additional enrichment work (he asked us to sign him up for Russian School of Math) without us having to bug him at at all. So that makes me think this is more than tween laziness and we should respect his choice.

One complicating factor is that he is old for his grade so he hasn't been to any friend's bar mitzvah's yet (and he does not have many Jewish friends from school). Also zoom Hebrew school led to him being behind in Hebrew so the prep is hard for him. He did not want a party for his Bar Mitzvah so we were going to take a bonus short vacation and bring his best friend, but he is happy to give that up (even though the vacation was his idea) if it means no Bar Mitzvah.

My DH was originally more invested in forcing my son to continue but now even he is wondering if we are doing more harm than good by continuing, given that the long-term goal is for him to consider himself Jewish as an adult.

Does your family pray and study Torah and keep kosher and keep shabbat, or are you Jewish in the common way of going through the motions because your parents made you do it?

[Anonymous]

Judaism is not a binary and there is no “common way.” Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son has just started the more intense phase of Bar Mitzvah prep and hates it. He fights us on having to practice, says he doesn't consider himself to be Jewish so does not want to have a Bar Mitzvah. We are reaching out to the (conservative) temple to talk it through, but I am interested in how others might handle it. On the one hand, I hate to teach him the lesson that he can get out of doing anything he doesn't like. On the other hand, he is overall a very hard working kid who will do his regular homework and even additional enrichment work (he asked us to sign him up for Russian School of Math) without us having to bug him at at all. So that makes me think this is more than tween laziness and we should respect his choice.

One complicating factor is that he is old for his grade so he hasn't been to any friend's bar mitzvah's yet (and he does not have many Jewish friends from school). Also zoom Hebrew school led to him being behind in Hebrew so the prep is hard for him. He did not want a party for his Bar Mitzvah so we were going to take a bonus short vacation and bring his best friend, but he is happy to give that up (even though the vacation was his idea) if it means no Bar Mitzvah.

My DH was originally more invested in forcing my son to continue but now even he is wondering if we are doing more harm than good by continuing, given that the long-term goal is for him to consider himself Jewish as an adult.

Does your family pray and study Torah and keep kosher and keep shabbat, or are you Jewish in the common way of going through the motions because your parents made you do it?

It seems you are confused about the vast spectrum of Jewish observance. There are many very committed Jewish families who do not keep kosher or keep Shabbat in the Orthodox sense, but who nonetheless make intentional and meaningful Jewish choices in their lives. There is not just Orthodoxy or "going through the motions."

[Anonymous]

Can you see this differently -- that you have a thoughtful, smart child who isn't interested in just "going along" to please you but is trying to be honest and vulnerable about what they believe and how they see themselves? They will always be Jewish, and faith and religious practice and identity evolve over people's whole lifetimes. I think forcing religious beliefs on children can be traumatic. I left the tradition I was raised in and was nearly disowned by my parents for several years. Only the arrival of grandchildren finally started to heal the rift. I lost a lot of respect for the religion during that period because I felt like it was encouraging parents to turn against their kids if they didn't obey church dictates, when it claimed to be all about family. I'm sure your rabbi will have greater wisdom on this, but you can teach your children about God and your deeply held faith beliefs whether or not they're attending a church or synogogue, and there's a better chance of them returning to your tradition if they see your faith in action to make the world better, not your faith pushing you to punish them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you see this differently -- that you have a thoughtful, smart child who isn't interested in just "going along" to please you but is trying to be honest and vulnerable about what they believe and how they see themselves? They will always be Jewish, and faith and religious practice and identity evolve over people's whole lifetimes. I think forcing religious beliefs on children can be traumatic. I left the tradition I was raised in and was nearly disowned by my parents for several years. Only the arrival of grandchildren finally started to heal the rift. I lost a lot of respect for the religion during that period because I felt like it was encouraging parents to turn against their kids if they didn't obey church dictates, when it claimed to be all about family. I'm sure your rabbi will have greater wisdom on this, but you can teach your children about God and your deeply held faith beliefs whether or not they're attending a church or synogogue, and there's a better chance of them returning to your tradition if they see your faith in action to make the world better, not your faith pushing you to punish them.

Excellent thoughts - thanks for enriching this conversation.

[Anonymous]

Also, for those who are not Jewish or formerly Jewish, we are not talking about forcing belief on a child. We are talking about forcing a child to stand in front of hundreds of adults and falsely declare their belief. This child has affirmatively said they do not consider themselves Jewish. This is not a case of I would rather … than study my reading.

[Anonymous]

If people who are not Jewish are unable to understand our concerns, maybe we should stop trying to talk to them about matters of Jewish concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If people who are not Jewish are unable to understand our concerns, maybe we should stop trying to talk to them about matters of Jewish concern.

Maybe people are unable to understand Jewish concerns, or perhaps unwilling to. Once such people are identified, there's no need to try to engage them in further conversation about Judaism.

[Anonymous]

So he doesn’t want gifts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If people who are not Jewish are unable to understand our concerns, maybe we should stop trying to talk to them about matters of Jewish concern.

Maybe people are unable to understand Jewish concerns, or perhaps unwilling to. Once such people are identified, there's no need to try to engage them in further conversation about Judaism.

This is what I'm thinking. A lot of the "advice" here was culturally irrelevant if not downright culturally insensitive. This is a bad moment in the world for understanding another worldview. People no longer feel they need to try and many posters here don't even seem to understand the concept. In this environment, let's stop trying to discuss Jewish matters with people who won't grasp or respect what's at stake for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If people who are not Jewish are unable to understand our concerns, maybe we should stop trying to talk to them about matters of Jewish concern.

Maybe people are unable to understand Jewish concerns, or perhaps unwilling to. Once such people are identified, there's no need to try to engage them in further conversation about Judaism.

This is what I'm thinking. A lot of the "advice" here was culturally irrelevant if not downright culturally insensitive. This is a bad moment in the world for understanding another worldview. People no longer feel they need to try and many posters here don't even seem to understand the concept. In this environment, let's stop trying to discuss Jewish matters with people who won't grasp or respect what's at stake for us.

People often just don't understand people of different faiths, or of no faith. It may not be a matter of refusal to grasp information or a lack of respect, but a simple lack of understanding and having a completely different world view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, for those who are not Jewish or formerly Jewish, we are not talking about forcing belief on a child. We are talking about forcing a child to stand in front of hundreds of adults and falsely declare their belief. This child has affirmatively said they do not consider themselves Jewish. This is not a case of I would rather … than study my reading.

That does not occur in a bar mitzvah. Crazy-town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he doesn’t want gifts?

Not the point of a bar mitzvah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, for those who are not Jewish or formerly Jewish, we are not talking about forcing belief on a child. We are talking about forcing a child to stand in front of hundreds of adults and falsely declare their belief. This child has affirmatively said they do not consider themselves Jewish. This is not a case of I would rather … than study my reading.

That does not occur in a bar mitzvah. Crazy-town.

I remember that my participation in the ceremony indicated I was accepting my adult role in the community. Not my stating anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If people who are not Jewish are unable to understand our concerns, maybe we should stop trying to talk to them about matters of Jewish concern.

This is the right answer.