How to handle a kid who does not want a Bar Mitzvah

[Anonymous]

My son has just started the more intense phase of Bar Mitzvah prep and hates it. He fights us on having to practice, says he doesn't consider himself to be Jewish so does not want to have a Bar Mitzvah. We are reaching out to the (conservative) temple to talk it through, but I am interested in how others might handle it. On the one hand, I hate to teach him the lesson that he can get out of doing anything he doesn't like. On the other hand, he is overall a very hard working kid who will do his regular homework and even additional enrichment work (he asked us to sign him up for Russian School of Math) without us having to bug him at at all. So that makes me think this is more than tween laziness and we should respect his choice.

One complicating factor is that he is old for his grade so he hasn't been to any friend's bar mitzvah's yet (and he does not have many Jewish friends from school). Also zoom Hebrew school led to him being behind in Hebrew so the prep is hard for him. He did not want a party for his Bar Mitzvah so we were going to take a bonus short vacation and bring his best friend, but he is happy to give that up (even though the vacation was his idea) if it means no Bar Mitzvah.

My DH was originally more invested in forcing my son to continue but now even he is wondering if we are doing more harm than good by continuing, given that the long-term goal is for him to consider himself Jewish as an adult.

[Anonymous]

I was a Hebrew school dropout and I’m very happy my parents didn’t force me to continue. He’s going to rebel the more you force it. He said no, leave it there.

[Anonymous]

I would do a destination bar mitzvah with just family and a smaller Torah portion or service portion (e.g., leading a Friday night service). There are small progressive synagogues in St. Thomas, Italy, Israel, Scotland, etc., that do this. Then you have a small party when you come back.

[Anonymous]

For now, he needs to go through with it and then at age 18 he can choose to continue the faith or not.

Does he follow/participate in other aspects - holidays, traditions etc?
I'm asking bc it's not cleat if the actual Bar Mitzvah is a source of anxiety (nervous, embarrassed, feeling unprepared, feeling pressured) or if it's the religion as a whole (curious about other faiths, rather be doing something else, trying to fit in with friends).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For now, he needs to go through with it and then at age 18 he can choose to continue the faith or not.

Does he follow/participate in other aspects - holidays, traditions etc?
I'm asking bc it's not cleat if the actual Bar Mitzvah is a source of anxiety (nervous, embarrassed, feeling unprepared, feeling pressured) or if it's the religion as a whole (curious about other faiths, rather be doing something else, trying to fit in with friends).

We are semi-observant and he will go to temple for services (high holidays plus other holidays) but mainly hangs out with friends and doesn't pay attention. He says he doesn't really pay attention in religious school either and says stuff like "I don't consider myself to be Jewish," but that may be partly just to get a reaction from us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do a destination bar mitzvah with just family and a smaller Torah portion or service portion (e.g., leading a Friday night service). There are small progressive synagogues in St. Thomas, Italy, Israel, Scotland, etc., that do this. Then you have a small party when you come back.

Will you pay then? They may not verbalize it but no one wants a destination bar mitzvah or wedding or any situation where someone else is dictating how they spend their time and money.

[Anonymous]

Don’t force religion on someone ever.

[Anonymous]

No religious trauma. Please .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For now, he needs to go through with it and then at age 18 he can choose to continue the faith or not.

Does he follow/participate in other aspects - holidays, traditions etc?
I'm asking bc it's not cleat if the actual Bar Mitzvah is a source of anxiety (nervous, embarrassed, feeling unprepared, feeling pressured) or if it's the religion as a whole (curious about other faiths, rather be doing something else, trying to fit in with friends).

We are semi-observant and he will go to temple for services (high holidays plus other holidays) but mainly hangs out with friends and doesn't pay attention. He says he doesn't really pay attention in religious school either and says stuff like "I don't consider myself to be Jewish," but that may be partly just to get a reaction from us.

He is telling you clearly he does not believe in the religion. Being Jewish is both cultural and religious. He’ll always be Jewish even if he doesn’t believe in the religious aspect of it. If you really want him to have a Bar Mitzvah, could you think about switching to perhaps a Jewish Humanist congregation that is more focused on culture and service than on religion?

[Anonymous]

Forty years ago, my parents forced me to have a Bat Mitzvah. I can understand why they did that but I've always wished I had been allowed to say no.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't force him, It's wrong and possibly illegal under the 1st amendment to force someone into a religion even if the individual is a minor, Plus what could you possibly stand to gain from it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do a destination bar mitzvah with just family and a smaller Torah portion or service portion (e.g., leading a Friday night service). There are small progressive synagogues in St. Thomas, Italy, Israel, Scotland, etc., that do this. Then you have a small party when you come back.

Will you pay then? They may not verbalize it but no one wants a destination bar mitzvah or wedding or any situation where someone else is dictating how they spend their time and money.

They said for their family only.

[Anonymous]

Why benefit would you receive by forcing your own personal religious beliefs on your child?

[Anonymous]

Do not force him.

[Anonymous]

He can always do it later in life when the time is right for him. I do understand your disappointment, though.