How to handle a kid who does not want a Bar Mitzvah

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why benefit would you receive by forcing your own personal religious beliefs on your child?

What are you talking about? I’m not religious, but the benefits are plain to see: sharing and passing on sacred religious customs with family; passing stories, ideas, history, and value systems on; being part of a close-knit community with adults who serve as role models; on and on….

People who are active in their church/temple, are happier, more spiritual and feel less isolation.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t force it.
We are Christian and my kid is 10. She will go through the Confirmation process in a few years. If she feels strongly about not wanting to do it I will be upset but I won’t force her. Forcing religion doesn’t make sense, they either believe and have the faith and want to do it, or they don’t. Maybe it will come later, maybe not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t force it.
We are Christian and my kid is 10. She will go through the Confirmation process in a few years. If she feels strongly about not wanting to do it I will be upset but I won’t force her. Forcing religion doesn’t make sense, they either believe and have the faith and want to do it, or they don’t. Maybe it will come later, maybe not.

My sentiments as well. This kind of thing should be the kid's decision. After all, it's about having an adult relationship with their faith, and adult's get to choose how to respond to religion. People do sometimes change their minds about religion, and if so, she can always get Bat Mitzvahed later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why benefit would you receive by forcing your own personal religious beliefs on your child?

What are you talking about? I’m not religious, but the benefits are plain to see: sharing and passing on sacred religious customs with family; passing stories, ideas, history, and value systems on; being part of a close-knit community with adults who serve as role models; on and on….

People who are active in their church/temple, are happier, more spiritual and feel less isolation.

Getting Bat Mitzvahed is no guarantee of being active in their Temple as adults. and the kid already is not "spiritual" if she think religion is silly and doesn't want a Bat Mitzvah.

[Anonymous]

I feel like we are lucky that my oldest is easy going and he was down for a bar mitzvah. The younger ones saw and were interested in that.

My friend’s son is not into it and she did talk to the rabbi and thought it was helpful.

We do make our kids go to religious school and it’s somewhat of a battle with the younger two. They are in our house. In our house we do religious school at least until bar / bar mitzvah. If you don’t go to religious school, you lose privileges like screens and other activities.

Ideally you want to make it fun for them. My kids do Jewish sleepaway camp which they do like. My oldest has more friends at religious school than the younger two. The younger two kind of got messed up with the pandemic & that messing up religious school for a few years. I’m not giving up tho. I do offer to get them together with friends in religious school etc - but so far they’ve turned me down on that offer. Maybe not forever tho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't force him, It's wrong and possibly illegal under the 1st amendment to force someone into a religion even if the individual is a minor, Plus what could you possibly stand to gain from it?

LOLOLOLOLOL

I’m so glad this forum is anonymous because I’m sure the authorities are very interested in pursuing this injustice.

I doubt if anyone would go to jail for it even if the authorities know about it. But still, why force the kid? because his Dad did it? and then married a shiksa? The kid isn't even traditionally Jewish. Leave him alone.

[Anonymous]

Sure, you can make him do it, but you can't make him believe it. Don't tell him that he should do it for you. Your happiness is not his responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure, you can make him do it, but you can't make him believe it. Don't tell him that he should do it for you. Your happiness is not his responsibility.

OP here, him getting a Bar Mitzvah doesn't make me happier. I signed him up for religious school because I think it will make him happier in the long run to be connected to Judaism and to have gone through the preparation for a Bar Mitzvah. I have obviously told him this and also talked to him about how the religion has been helpful in my own life (having a minyan to say kaddish with after the death of a family member etc). I guess on some level this is a question of when a parents should put their foot down vs let their kids make their own mistakes and decisions. But this Bar Mitzvah is not for show. My parents are not alive and I don't really care about impressing the rest of my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, you can make him do it, but you can't make him believe it. Don't tell him that he should do it for you. Your happiness is not his responsibility.

OP here, him getting a Bar Mitzvah doesn't make me happier. I signed him up for religious school because I think it will make him happier in the long run to be connected to Judaism and to have gone through the preparation for a Bar Mitzvah. I have obviously told him this and also talked to him about how the religion has been helpful in my own life (having a minyan to say kaddish with after the death of a family member etc). I guess on some level this is a question of when a parents should put their foot down vs let their kids make their own mistakes and decisions. But this Bar Mitzvah is not for show. My parents are not alive and I don't really care about impressing the rest of my family.

I think you can/should put your foot down gently. He can do a reduced Torah portion, lead a weekday service, do part of a Friday night service, schedule his portion as part of megillat Esther on Purim (which is what trendy modern orthodox families do for girls), take him somewhere fun but which a rich Jewish history (Italy is a good idea, Jamaica - there is a tour where you can see the cemetery where they buried the Jewish pirates), obviously Israel. Part of enabling Jewish kids with grit is teaching them how to have grit in a world where it is hard to be Jewish.

[Anonymous]

I am a PP. It was/is important for me for my kids to attend religious school because I wanted them to know other Jewish kids. They are a minority at their public school.

I didn’t make my DS practice outside of religious school or whatever they made him do. I generally suggested it as a good idea. And fwiw our synagogue had a requirement that you attend 6 other B/M services too! So he saw other kids go before him etc. you might check your religious school calendar and go to some this year especially if you even sort of know the kid / family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, you can make him do it, but you can't make him believe it. Don't tell him that he should do it for you. Your happiness is not his responsibility.

OP here, him getting a Bar Mitzvah doesn't make me happier. I signed him up for religious school because I think it will make him happier in the long run to be connected to Judaism and to have gone through the preparation for a Bar Mitzvah. I have obviously told him this and also talked to him about how the religion has been helpful in my own life (having a minyan to say kaddish with after the death of a family member etc). I guess on some level this is a question of when a parents should put their foot down vs let their kids make their own mistakes and decisions. But this Bar Mitzvah is not for show. My parents are not alive and I don't really care about impressing the rest of my family.

If you force him to do it, it is for show. You are forcing him to publicly declare something that isn’t true to him in his place of worship. Why would you want him to lie? Not all seeds grow at the same rate. This sounds like a kid who knows who he is and what he believes now and is comfortable sticking to that. That is a really terrific quality. Why would you want to undermine that? Lots of parents think their kids will be happier if they do this or that but that doesn’t make it true. He is more likely to choose his faith in a real, more enduring way in his own time if you give him room to search and grow in his own way. Vines are trained gently and with support, not force. You need to understand the nature of the vine and work with that nature to get the best result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, you can make him do it, but you can't make him believe it. Don't tell him that he should do it for you. Your happiness is not his responsibility.

OP here, him getting a Bar Mitzvah doesn't make me happier. I signed him up for religious school because I think it will make him happier in the long run to be connected to Judaism and to have gone through the preparation for a Bar Mitzvah. I have obviously told him this and also talked to him about how the religion has been helpful in my own life (having a minyan to say kaddish with after the death of a family member etc). I guess on some level this is a question of when a parents should put their foot down vs let their kids make their own mistakes and decisions. But this Bar Mitzvah is not for show. My parents are not alive and I don't really care about impressing the rest of my family.

Your religious practices may not bring him any level of comfort. My parents forced me into religious classes, teaching, and rites of passage. I hated it and din't have a choice in the matter. As a result, I am firmly non-practicing and do not intend to support religion ever. Perhaps if they had let me lead, it would've been different. I suggest you try that. If he wants Judaism on any level, he can study and/or practice as he gets older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, you can make him do it, but you can't make him believe it. Don't tell him that he should do it for you. Your happiness is not his responsibility.

OP here, him getting a Bar Mitzvah doesn't make me happier. I signed him up for religious school because I think it will make him happier in the long run to be connected to Judaism and to have gone through the preparation for a Bar Mitzvah. I have obviously told him this and also talked to him about how the religion has been helpful in my own life (having a minyan to say kaddish with after the death of a family member etc). I guess on some level this is a question of when a parents should put their foot down vs let their kids make their own mistakes and decisions. But this Bar Mitzvah is not for show. My parents are not alive and I don't really care about impressing the rest of my family.

If you force him to do it, it is for show. You are forcing him to publicly declare something that isn’t true to him in his place of worship. Why would you want him to lie? Not all seeds grow at the same rate. This sounds like a kid who knows who he is and what he believes now and is comfortable sticking to that. That is a really terrific quality. Why would you want to undermine that? Lots of parents think their kids will be happier if they do this or that but that doesn’t make it true. He is more likely to choose his faith in a real, more enduring way in his own time if you give him room to search and grow in his own way. Vines are trained gently and with support, not force. You need to understand the nature of the vine and work with that nature to get the best result.

Are you Jewish? Bar Mitzvah's don't require kids to publicly declare things. He would read from the Torah and then interpret that text. His interpretation could be "this story seems wrong and I don't believe on God." As long as it was well thought out and respectful that would be fine. I have definitely been to Bar Mitzvahs where the child said he disagreed with the text. after all there is a lot of crazy stuff in the old testament!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, you can make him do it, but you can't make him believe it. Don't tell him that he should do it for you. Your happiness is not his responsibility.

OP here, him getting a Bar Mitzvah doesn't make me happier. I signed him up for religious school because I think it will make him happier in the long run to be connected to Judaism and to have gone through the preparation for a Bar Mitzvah. I have obviously told him this and also talked to him about how the religion has been helpful in my own life (having a minyan to say kaddish with after the death of a family member etc). I guess on some level this is a question of when a parents should put their foot down vs let their kids make their own mistakes and decisions. But this Bar Mitzvah is not for show. My parents are not alive and I don't really care about impressing the rest of my family.

If you force him to do it, it is for show. You are forcing him to publicly declare something that isn’t true to him in his place of worship. Why would you want him to lie? Not all seeds grow at the same rate. This sounds like a kid who knows who he is and what he believes now and is comfortable sticking to that. That is a really terrific quality. Why would you want to undermine that? Lots of parents think their kids will be happier if they do this or that but that doesn’t make it true. He is more likely to choose his faith in a real, more enduring way in his own time if you give him room to search and grow in his own way. Vines are trained gently and with support, not force. You need to understand the nature of the vine and work with that nature to get the best result.

Are you Jewish? Bar Mitzvah's don't require kids to publicly declare things. He would read from the Torah and then interpret that text. His interpretation could be "this story seems wrong and I don't believe on God." As long as it was well thought out and respectful that would be fine. I have definitely been to Bar Mitzvahs where the child said he disagreed with the text. after all there is a lot of crazy stuff in the old testament!

That doesn’t seem like this kid. He wants to do math camp and seems easygoing and honestly probably a nice and sweet boy. OP needs to let this drop since she claims she doesn’t really care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like we are lucky that my oldest is easy going and he was down for a bar mitzvah. The younger ones saw and were interested in that.

My friend’s son is not into it and she did talk to the rabbi and thought it was helpful.

We do make our kids go to religious school and it’s somewhat of a battle with the younger two. They are in our house. In our house we do religious school at least until bar / bar mitzvah. If you don’t go to religious school, you lose privileges like screens and other activities.

Ideally you want to make it fun for them. My kids do Jewish sleepaway camp which they do like. My oldest has more friends at religious school than the younger two. The younger two kind of got messed up with the pandemic & that messing up religious school for a few years. I’m not giving up tho. I do offer to get them together with friends in religious school etc - but so far they’ve turned me down on that offer. Maybe not forever tho.

I personally think you are making a mistake unless you want them to hate religion. If I was your kid I would give up my "privileges'" What if they don't care about screens? The what to you do to force them?