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How to handle a kid who does not want a Bar Mitzvah
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Anonymous
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OP, if it's really that important to you or your DH, then offer him a bribe. That way it will be his choice AND you'll get what you want.
As for buying into the religion, that's a separate issue. |
Anonymous
Bribing religion? The Mitzvah is not just for show. |
Anonymous
Then they don’t have to come - like a destination wedding. In many cases, it’s not that the kid is rejecting doing something hard (and parents should be helping kids learn how to cope with doing something hard), it’s the social anxiety of doing something hard in front of people you know. So, you tell your family, we’ve decided to Jasper’s bar mitzvah during February in St. Thomas. He’s going to do a Megillah reading and lead part of kaballat Shabbat. Make sure their grandparents are there. That’s it, He can do the same reading at your synagogue in a later year. Have a small party for his friends if he wants that. |
Anonymous
They did offer a bribe - vacation with best friend. He'd still rather not. I'd have a conversation about participating in family holidays like you do now and not force it or find a place he can identify with like pp suggested with the humanist focus. |
Anonymous
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I would talk to the rabbi, which it sounds like you're doing. I'm sure the rabbi has seen this before.
I would also talk to my son about how important it is to me to see him become a bar mitzvah and what the Jewish community means to me. The minimum I've seen kids do at our conservative synagogue is have an Aliyah (no reading Torah or leading any other parts of the service, just a couple lines of prayer before and after the Torah reading). Would he go for that? Or find a mitzvah project that he could really get behind. My husband volunteered at a homeless shelter with his mom for his bar mitzvah project and continued doing it into high school. He still talks about how important and meaningful that was for him, while the actual ceremony was not. The good news either way is that he will become a bar mitzvah at age 13 regardless of whether or not he has a ceremony. Side note: There was an episode of Lizzie Maguire where Gordo had a delayed bar mitzvah, because he didn't want to do it when he was 13. I'm a little fuzzy on all the details, but I remember it being a heartfelt episode. |
Anonymous
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My anxiety ridden kid did not want a bar mitzvah. The idea of being in the bima in front of the entire congregation terrified him. He had no way to express that that was the issue so he said no. After talking about what was bothering him and options we came up with an alternative to Shabbat.
We did a Thursday morning service. Our immediate family attended along with 10-12 other people. His torah portion was very short—I want to say about 12 lines in total. It was very casual and very fast. |
Anonymous
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He doesn’t actually have to do anything to become a Bar Mitzvah other than turn 13.
I’d pull back on the heft of it. The point isn’t to make him hate Judaism. Talk to the tutor and the synagogue about it. If they’re not on board with a lower level of participation in leading the service, hire an officiant. They’ll work with you. |
Anonymous
LOLOLOLOLOL I’m so glad this forum is anonymous because I’m sure the authorities are very interested in pursuing this injustice. |
Anonymous
| My mom pressured me to get confirmed. I stood up at the church not believing any of it. While I wasn’t traumatized it was performative, which seemed odd to me. Wouldn’t the church want me to be faithful? |
Anonymous
| I once listened to a young person talk about how relieved she was not to have to have a Bat Mitzvah. It is a big commitment and she said she did not feel ready to make it at 13. It was about 10 years ago and it stayed with me. This was a child with a Jewish and Christian parent so a bit different but I thought her thoughts showed alot of maturity. |
Anonymous
| Not Jewish, but can you try to spend some one on one time with him, maybe watch some culturally/religiously important movies or visit some important places and talk about the importance of the faith in your life and family? Help him understand why it's important to you and listen to his reasons for hesitating and see if you two can come to some compromise or mutual understanding. |
Anonymous
| Maybe he just finds all the preparation boring. I mean, it's pretty boring, isn't it? I'm anticipating this issue with my DD. I'm not Jewish, DH is, and wants her to have a bat mitzvah. Zoom Hebrew school sucked and turned her off to Hebrew school in general, so she didn't go this year. Next school year DH plans to force her to go. She's a great student and works hard at her sport of choice, but hates anything she's not interested in and from a young age has expressed her belief that religion is stupid and coercive and why the heck would you say prayers in a language you don't understand anyway? I don't care one way or the other but DH does. We'll see how this plays out in our family in a couple of years! |
Anonymous
It amazes me how much of this country blatantly misunderstands our 1st amendment.... Anyway, there are many different ways to have a Bar Mitzvah. Talk to your Rabbi and see what other options may feel right for your son. A destination Bar Mitzvah is an idea. You could also do a small backyard service. Doesn't even have to be on a Saturday morning. |
Anonymous
| I feel like pushing religion on your teen son is one way to grow resentment and make you less close during their formative years. Let it drop and he may be more interested if he finds peers in college. |
Anonymous
| This is weird but there is a scene in Fleishman is in Trouble (Hulu, episode 8 The Liver, at 10:30 mark) where Toby tells Hannah, that another tradition is to pave our own path. Check out the scene, it put some things into perspective for me. |