How to handle a kid who does not want a Bar Mitzvah

[Anonymous]

OP would you be ok if they were only doing the service just so they could have a party and get money and gifts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP would you be ok if they were only doing the service just so they could have a party and get money and gifts?

Of course OP would. OP wants to save face in the Temple community and not answer awkward questions about “isn’t your kid 13” and “when is the service.”

I’ve btdt and the upthread who said it will damage your relationship with your kid are correct. The kid isn’t going to be religious anyway, but now he’s also picking up that he’s less important to his parents than their standing in their social circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom pressured me to get confirmed. I stood up at the church not believing any of it. While I wasn’t traumatized it was performative, which seemed odd to me. Wouldn’t the church want me to be faithful?

My family is not religious (Catholic). My husband’s family is not religious (Jewish mother, atheist father). My father felt guilt so we did first communion and found a church that did Confirmation at 11 years old. No more church after that. My husband never attended religious classes.

I feel a little guilt about my children not knowing much about religion but neither do I. My son recently said something in a conversation about the Old Testament. I asked him how he knew anything about that. He said anything he knows about religion he learned from The Simpsons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP would you be ok if they were only doing the service just so they could have a party and get money and gifts?

Of course OP would. OP wants to save face in the Temple community and not answer awkward questions about “isn’t your kid 13” and “when is the service.”

I’ve btdt and the upthread who said it will damage your relationship with your kid are correct. The kid isn’t going to be religious anyway, but now he’s also picking up that he’s less important to his parents than their standing in their social circle.

NP. It seems like you might be bringing a lot of your own baggage to this situation. A bar mitzvah is a rite of passage. It's a public recognition and welcoming of a child into adulthood within the community. OP has been open to lots of different ways that might look for her son, including a decreased role in the service, without taking the bar mitzvah as a whole off the table, because, as she said at 04/20/2023 17:34 on page 8: "as his parents we think it makes sense for him to be well prepared to participate in a Jewish community when he is older if he wants to do so." That seems perfectly reasonable. It's framed with his future interest in mind, not the parents' ego.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP would you be ok if they were only doing the service just so they could have a party and get money and gifts?

Of course OP would. OP wants to save face in the Temple community and not answer awkward questions about “isn’t your kid 13” and “when is the service.”

I’ve btdt and the upthread who said it will damage your relationship with your kid are correct. The kid isn’t going to be religious anyway, but now he’s also picking up that he’s less important to his parents than their standing in their social circle.

NP. It seems like you might be bringing a lot of your own baggage to this situation. A bar mitzvah is a rite of passage. It's a public recognition and welcoming of a child into adulthood within the community. OP has been open to lots of different ways that might look for her son, including a decreased role in the service, without taking the bar mitzvah as a whole off the table, because, as she said at 04/20/2023 17:34 on page 8: "as his parents we think it makes sense for him to be well prepared to participate in a Jewish community when he is older if he wants to do so." That seems perfectly reasonable. It's framed with his future interest in mind, not the parents' ego.

No baggage, just experience and perspective. Very few in this thread are seeing this through the kids eyes.

I hear how disappointed you are that OPs child will not practice as an adult. Please re read what you wrote and try to see how your reasons all serve the interests of the parents or the community. He is not the only one who is saying no this is not who I am. There are no good reasons to deny him his position so the community falls back on invalidation. What is different today is that we can recognize how damaging this can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP would you be ok if they were only doing the service just so they could have a party and get money and gifts?

Of course OP would. OP wants to save face in the Temple community and not answer awkward questions about “isn’t your kid 13” and “when is the service.”

I’ve btdt and the upthread who said it will damage your relationship with your kid are correct. The kid isn’t going to be religious anyway, but now he’s also picking up that he’s less important to his parents than their standing in their social circle.

NP. It seems like you might be bringing a lot of your own baggage to this situation. A bar mitzvah is a rite of passage. It's a public recognition and welcoming of a child into adulthood within the community. OP has been open to lots of different ways that might look for her son, including a decreased role in the service, without taking the bar mitzvah as a whole off the table, because, as she said at 04/20/2023 17:34 on page 8: "as his parents we think it makes sense for him to be well prepared to participate in a Jewish community when he is older if he wants to do so." That seems perfectly reasonable. It's framed with his future interest in mind, not the parents' ego.

No baggage, just experience and perspective. Very few in this thread are seeing this through the kids eyes.

I hear how disappointed you are that OPs child will not practice as an adult. Please re read what you wrote and try to see how your reasons all serve the interests of the parents or the community. He is not the only one who is saying no this is not who I am. There are no good reasons to deny him his position so the community falls back on invalidation. What is different today is that we can recognize how damaging this can be.

You are bringing your own culture's values to a discussion about someone else's culture. That is a very rude thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP would you be ok if they were only doing the service just so they could have a party and get money and gifts?

Of course OP would. OP wants to save face in the Temple community and not answer awkward questions about “isn’t your kid 13” and “when is the service.”

I’ve btdt and the upthread who said it will damage your relationship with your kid are correct. The kid isn’t going to be religious anyway, but now he’s also picking up that he’s less important to his parents than their standing in their social circle.

NP. It seems like you might be bringing a lot of your own baggage to this situation. A bar mitzvah is a rite of passage. It's a public recognition and welcoming of a child into adulthood within the community. OP has been open to lots of different ways that might look for her son, including a decreased role in the service, without taking the bar mitzvah as a whole off the table, because, as she said at 04/20/2023 17:34 on page 8: "as his parents we think it makes sense for him to be well prepared to participate in a Jewish community when he is older if he wants to do so." That seems perfectly reasonable. It's framed with his future interest in mind, not the parents' ego.

No baggage, just experience and perspective. Very few in this thread are seeing this through the kids eyes.

I hear how disappointed you are that OPs child will not practice as an adult. Please re read what you wrote and try to see how your reasons all serve the interests of the parents or the community. He is not the only one who is saying no this is not who I am. There are no good reasons to deny him his position so the community falls back on invalidation. What is different today is that we can recognize how damaging this can be.

You are bringing your own culture's values to a discussion about someone else's culture. That is a very rude thing to do.

Not all people in a specific culture think alike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP would you be ok if they were only doing the service just so they could have a party and get money and gifts?

Of course OP would. OP wants to save face in the Temple community and not answer awkward questions about “isn’t your kid 13” and “when is the service.”

I’ve btdt and the upthread who said it will damage your relationship with your kid are correct. The kid isn’t going to be religious anyway, but now he’s also picking up that he’s less important to his parents than their standing in their social circle.

NP. It seems like you might be bringing a lot of your own baggage to this situation. A bar mitzvah is a rite of passage. It's a public recognition and welcoming of a child into adulthood within the community. OP has been open to lots of different ways that might look for her son, including a decreased role in the service, without taking the bar mitzvah as a whole off the table, because, as she said at 04/20/2023 17:34 on page 8: "as his parents we think it makes sense for him to be well prepared to participate in a Jewish community when he is older if he wants to do so." That seems perfectly reasonable. It's framed with his future interest in mind, not the parents' ego.

No baggage, just experience and perspective. Very few in this thread are seeing this through the kids eyes.

I hear how disappointed you are that OPs child will not practice as an adult. Please re read what you wrote and try to see how your reasons all serve the interests of the parents or the community. He is not the only one who is saying no this is not who I am. There are no good reasons to deny him his position so the community falls back on invalidation. What is different today is that we can recognize how damaging this can be.

Do you really want to teach your kid that they never have to do something they don't want to do because of the impact to society? If that were the case, why would they pay taxes, or put the grocery cart back when they are done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP would you be ok if they were only doing the service just so they could have a party and get money and gifts?

Of course OP would. OP wants to save face in the Temple community and not answer awkward questions about “isn’t your kid 13” and “when is the service.”

I’ve btdt and the upthread who said it will damage your relationship with your kid are correct. The kid isn’t going to be religious anyway, but now he’s also picking up that he’s less important to his parents than their standing in their social circle.

NP. It seems like you might be bringing a lot of your own baggage to this situation. A bar mitzvah is a rite of passage. It's a public recognition and welcoming of a child into adulthood within the community. OP has been open to lots of different ways that might look for her son, including a decreased role in the service, without taking the bar mitzvah as a whole off the table, because, as she said at 04/20/2023 17:34 on page 8: "as his parents we think it makes sense for him to be well prepared to participate in a Jewish community when he is older if he wants to do so." That seems perfectly reasonable. It's framed with his future interest in mind, not the parents' ego.

No baggage, just experience and perspective. Very few in this thread are seeing this through the kids eyes.

I hear how disappointed you are that OPs child will not practice as an adult. Please re read what you wrote and try to see how your reasons all serve the interests of the parents or the community. He is not the only one who is saying no this is not who I am. There are no good reasons to deny him his position so the community falls back on invalidation. What is different today is that we can recognize how damaging this can be.

Lots of centering and policing, and ego, here. The ides that you are equipped to see things better through a kid's eyes whom you don't know because of your own parental trauma/religious trauma, is curious. It would be like me saying your poor child is growing up with a self-centered helicopter parent who teaches him that grit and stickwithitness, and communal service is for suckers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP would you be ok if they were only doing the service just so they could have a party and get money and gifts?

Of course OP would. OP wants to save face in the Temple community and not answer awkward questions about “isn’t your kid 13” and “when is the service.”

I’ve btdt and the upthread who said it will damage your relationship with your kid are correct. The kid isn’t going to be religious anyway, but now he’s also picking up that he’s less important to his parents than their standing in their social circle.

NP. It seems like you might be bringing a lot of your own baggage to this situation. A bar mitzvah is a rite of passage. It's a public recognition and welcoming of a child into adulthood within the community. OP has been open to lots of different ways that might look for her son, including a decreased role in the service, without taking the bar mitzvah as a whole off the table, because, as she said at 04/20/2023 17:34 on page 8: "as his parents we think it makes sense for him to be well prepared to participate in a Jewish community when he is older if he wants to do so." That seems perfectly reasonable. It's framed with his future interest in mind, not the parents' ego.

No baggage, just experience and perspective. Very few in this thread are seeing this through the kids eyes.

I hear how disappointed you are that OPs child will not practice as an adult. Please re read what you wrote and try to see how your reasons all serve the interests of the parents or the community. He is not the only one who is saying no this is not who I am. There are no good reasons to deny him his position so the community falls back on invalidation. What is different today is that we can recognize how damaging this can be.

You are bringing your own culture's values to a discussion about someone else's culture. That is a very rude thing to do.

Not all people in a specific culture think alike.

People who belong to a culture share a central set of assumptions. Those born to the culture who don't will find themselves outside of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP would you be ok if they were only doing the service just so they could have a party and get money and gifts?

Of course OP would. OP wants to save face in the Temple community and not answer awkward questions about “isn’t your kid 13” and “when is the service.”

I’ve btdt and the upthread who said it will damage your relationship with your kid are correct. The kid isn’t going to be religious anyway, but now he’s also picking up that he’s less important to his parents than their standing in their social circle.

NP. It seems like you might be bringing a lot of your own baggage to this situation. A bar mitzvah is a rite of passage. It's a public recognition and welcoming of a child into adulthood within the community. OP has been open to lots of different ways that might look for her son, including a decreased role in the service, without taking the bar mitzvah as a whole off the table, because, as she said at 04/20/2023 17:34 on page 8: "as his parents we think it makes sense for him to be well prepared to participate in a Jewish community when he is older if he wants to do so." That seems perfectly reasonable. It's framed with his future interest in mind, not the parents' ego.

No baggage, just experience and perspective. Very few in this thread are seeing this through the kids eyes.

I hear how disappointed you are that OPs child will not practice as an adult. Please re read what you wrote and try to see how your reasons all serve the interests of the parents or the community. He is not the only one who is saying no this is not who I am. There are no good reasons to deny him his position so the community falls back on invalidation. What is different today is that we can recognize how damaging this can be.

Do you really want to teach your kid that they never have to do something they don't want to do because of the impact to society? If that were the case, why would they pay taxes, or put the grocery cart back when they are done?

I thought of this post when I dragged my 8 y/o kicking and screaming to a day of service at the synagogue. Fake it til you make it, I told myself and I wasn’t going to let her skip. I think helping others is an important value. And of course I could teach it on my own but I even got tips for myself while there. Sometimes I get overwhelmed at the state of the world and the rabbi reminded us basically you do what you can and if we each do a little it helps - you don’t have to do it all yourself.

[Anonymous]

He said he doesn’t consider himself Jewish. He doesn’t want to be a part of the community now. That may change. It’s not like a limited time offer and he can only be a part of the community now. If you’re going to consider him an adult for the purposes of the community then you need to respect his ostensibly adult decision to decline. You can’t have it both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP would you be ok if they were only doing the service just so they could have a party and get money and gifts?

Of course OP would. OP wants to save face in the Temple community and not answer awkward questions about “isn’t your kid 13” and “when is the service.”

I’ve btdt and the upthread who said it will damage your relationship with your kid are correct. The kid isn’t going to be religious anyway, but now he’s also picking up that he’s less important to his parents than their standing in their social circle.

NP. It seems like you might be bringing a lot of your own baggage to this situation. A bar mitzvah is a rite of passage. It's a public recognition and welcoming of a child into adulthood within the community. OP has been open to lots of different ways that might look for her son, including a decreased role in the service, without taking the bar mitzvah as a whole off the table, because, as she said at 04/20/2023 17:34 on page 8: "as his parents we think it makes sense for him to be well prepared to participate in a Jewish community when he is older if he wants to do so." That seems perfectly reasonable. It's framed with his future interest in mind, not the parents' ego.

No baggage, just experience and perspective. Very few in this thread are seeing this through the kids eyes.

I hear how disappointed you are that OPs child will not practice as an adult. Please re read what you wrote and try to see how your reasons all serve the interests of the parents or the community. He is not the only one who is saying no this is not who I am. There are no good reasons to deny him his position so the community falls back on invalidation. What is different today is that we can recognize how damaging this can be.

I think there are plenty of people here seeing through the kid's eyes with the benefit of their adult experience, which is the whole idea behind parenting. Many of us struggled with our bar or bat mitzvah and with religion in general at 13 years old. Of course there are some who went through it and wish they hadn't and are non-religious adults now. But there are others who are glad now that they went through it. OP is listening to her son and working with the rabbi to scale down his bar mitzvah. Again, this is what parenting looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP would you be ok if they were only doing the service just so they could have a party and get money and gifts?

Of course OP would. OP wants to save face in the Temple community and not answer awkward questions about “isn’t your kid 13” and “when is the service.”

I’ve btdt and the upthread who said it will damage your relationship with your kid are correct. The kid isn’t going to be religious anyway, but now he’s also picking up that he’s less important to his parents than their standing in their social circle.

NP. It seems like you might be bringing a lot of your own baggage to this situation. A bar mitzvah is a rite of passage. It's a public recognition and welcoming of a child into adulthood within the community. OP has been open to lots of different ways that might look for her son, including a decreased role in the service, without taking the bar mitzvah as a whole off the table, because, as she said at 04/20/2023 17:34 on page 8: "as his parents we think it makes sense for him to be well prepared to participate in a Jewish community when he is older if he wants to do so." That seems perfectly reasonable. It's framed with his future interest in mind, not the parents' ego.

No baggage, just experience and perspective. Very few in this thread are seeing this through the kids eyes.

I hear how disappointed you are that OPs child will not practice as an adult. Please re read what you wrote and try to see how your reasons all serve the interests of the parents or the community. He is not the only one who is saying no this is not who I am. There are no good reasons to deny him his position so the community falls back on invalidation. What is different today is that we can recognize how damaging this can be.

I think there are plenty of people here seeing through the kid's eyes with the benefit of their adult experience, which is the whole idea behind parenting. Many of us struggled with our bar or bat mitzvah and with religion in general at 13 years old. Of course there are some who went through it and wish they hadn't and are non-religious adults now. But there are others who are glad now that they went through it. OP is listening to her son and working with the rabbi to scale down his bar mitzvah. Again, this is what parenting looks like.

My daughter did not like the Jewish religious experience and is now alienated from the religion and her mother. It was difficult to measure her feelings because she found the process of learning Hebrew for her Bat Mitzvah somewhat easy - rare, really - a 2400 SAT scorer and a great student. But she clearly didn't like the religion and I didn't support her enough (not Jewish or religious myself). My wife's parents are Holocaust survivors so it was important to my wife that the kids were raised Jewish. Some at the synagogue viewed me as a dumb goy -they actually said so - kind of odd because my academic background reflects the opposite - but she picked up on it and certainly skewed her views.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP would you be ok if they were only doing the service just so they could have a party and get money and gifts?

Of course OP would. OP wants to save face in the Temple community and not answer awkward questions about “isn’t your kid 13” and “when is the service.”

I’ve btdt and the upthread who said it will damage your relationship with your kid are correct. The kid isn’t going to be religious anyway, but now he’s also picking up that he’s less important to his parents than their standing in their social circle.

NP. It seems like you might be bringing a lot of your own baggage to this situation. A bar mitzvah is a rite of passage. It's a public recognition and welcoming of a child into adulthood within the community. OP has been open to lots of different ways that might look for her son, including a decreased role in the service, without taking the bar mitzvah as a whole off the table, because, as she said at 04/20/2023 17:34 on page 8: "as his parents we think it makes sense for him to be well prepared to participate in a Jewish community when he is older if he wants to do so." That seems perfectly reasonable. It's framed with his future interest in mind, not the parents' ego.

No baggage, just experience and perspective. Very few in this thread are seeing this through the kids eyes.

I hear how disappointed you are that OPs child will not practice as an adult. Please re read what you wrote and try to see how your reasons all serve the interests of the parents or the community. He is not the only one who is saying no this is not who I am. There are no good reasons to deny him his position so the community falls back on invalidation. What is different today is that we can recognize how damaging this can be.

I think there are plenty of people here seeing through the kid's eyes with the benefit of their adult experience, which is the whole idea behind parenting. Many of us struggled with our bar or bat mitzvah and with religion in general at 13 years old. Of course there are some who went through it and wish they hadn't and are non-religious adults now. But there are others who are glad now that they went through it. OP is listening to her son and working with the rabbi to scale down his bar mitzvah. Again, this is what parenting looks like.

NP And several people on this very thread have said that they resent their parents for forcing them into it.