I dropped the hosting rope and now ILs think I’m ‘mad’ at them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

Because she’s tired of doing everything, so she spoke up and said they were welcome to visit, but she wouldn’t be hosting. See how that works? She was tired, so she communicated clearly that she wasn’t hosting.

You can't not "host" people who are in your home. Whether you like it or not they are there and they are guests and you are hosting whether you like it or not. If you're not up for it, you just say no.

Yes, you can, when there are two grown adults who own the home. DH and I sometimes divide and conquer. I’ve had work events while DH has done the hosting and vice versa. Did you know you don’t even need a vagina to host? Wow!

I don't think sex organs have anything to do with this. OP and her husband have a very unhealthy dysfunctional dynamic. That's the issue OP needs to deal with and until marriage counseling they shouldn't pretend to "host" guests one of them can barely be bothered to be civil to or the other one can barely lift a finger for. Who would want to visit either of these two?

[Anonymous]

Yep. A few years ago I wanted to simplify the holidays and opted out of the gift exchange with my adult ILs (I still purchased gifts for the kids). In their eyes I was like Sherman burning down Atlanta.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

Because she’s tired of doing everything, so she spoke up and said they were welcome to visit, but she wouldn’t be hosting. See how that works? She was tired, so she communicated clearly that she wasn’t hosting.

You can't not "host" people who are in your home. Whether you like it or not they are there and they are guests and you are hosting whether you like it or not. If you're not up for it, you just say no.

Yes, you can, when there are two grown adults who own the home. DH and I sometimes divide and conquer. I’ve had work events while DH has done the hosting and vice versa. Did you know you don’t even need a vagina to host? Wow!

I don't think sex organs have anything to do with this. OP and her husband have a very unhealthy dysfunctional dynamic. That's the issue OP needs to deal with and until marriage counseling they shouldn't pretend to "host" guests one of them can barely be bothered to be civil to or the other one can barely lift a finger for. Who would want to visit either of these two?

Hmm, I don’t know, grown adults who can make a pot of standard drip coffee? I visited SIL once and she was busy and hadn’t gotten sheets on the bed. Know what I did? I put sheets on the bed. I even wiped my own ass!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

Because she’s tired of doing everything, so she spoke up and said they were welcome to visit, but she wouldn’t be hosting. See how that works? She was tired, so she communicated clearly that she wasn’t hosting.

You can't not "host" people who are in your home. Whether you like it or not they are there and they are guests and you are hosting whether you like it or not. If you're not up for it, you just say no.

Yes, you can, when there are two grown adults who own the home. DH and I sometimes divide and conquer. I’ve had work events while DH has done the hosting and vice versa. Did you know you don’t even need a vagina to host? Wow!

I don't think sex organs have anything to do with this. OP and her husband have a very unhealthy dysfunctional dynamic. That's the issue OP needs to deal with and until marriage counseling they shouldn't pretend to "host" guests one of them can barely be bothered to be civil to or the other one can barely lift a finger for. Who would want to visit either of these two?

Hmm, I don’t know, grown adults who can make a pot of standard drip coffee? I visited SIL once and she was busy and hadn’t gotten sheets on the bed. Know what I did? I put sheets on the bed. I even wiped my own ass!

And a lot of women get territorial about their stuff and kitchen. ILs were being polite by not acting like they own the place opening all the cabinets and rummaging around. Because that rubs a lot of people the wrong way too. They were in a no win situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

Because she’s tired of doing everything, so she spoke up and said they were welcome to visit, but she wouldn’t be hosting. See how that works? She was tired, so she communicated clearly that she wasn’t hosting.

You can't not "host" people who are in your home. Whether you like it or not they are there and they are guests and you are hosting whether you like it or not. If you're not up for it, you just say no.

Yes, you can, when there are two grown adults who own the home. DH and I sometimes divide and conquer. I’ve had work events while DH has done the hosting and vice versa. Did you know you don’t even need a vagina to host? Wow!

I don't think sex organs have anything to do with this. OP and her husband have a very unhealthy dysfunctional dynamic. That's the issue OP needs to deal with and until marriage counseling they shouldn't pretend to "host" guests one of them can barely be bothered to be civil to or the other one can barely lift a finger for. Who would want to visit either of these two?

Hmm, I don’t know, grown adults who can make a pot of standard drip coffee? I visited SIL once and she was busy and hadn’t gotten sheets on the bed. Know what I did? I put sheets on the bed. I even wiped my own ass!

And a lot of women get territorial about their stuff and kitchen. ILs were being polite by not acting like they own the place opening all the cabinets and rummaging around. Because that rubs a lot of people the wrong way too. They were in a no win situation.

Then why didn’t they ask the son they raised to make them some coffee. Plus, OP literally said to help themselves. How is that “territorial”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

No no no we are not pretending this is some isolated and bizarre situation OP has gotten herself into because she is not strong/good/smart enough or whatever you are implying.

The imbalance in household labor is well studied and impacting many if not most households. You are contributing to the problem by denying this reality.
Because she’s tired of doing everything, so she spoke up and said they were welcome to visit, but she wouldn’t be hosting. See how that works? She was tired, so she communicated clearly that she wasn’t hosting.

You can't not "host" people who are in your home. Whether you like it or not they are there and they are guests and you are hosting whether you like it or not. If you're not up for it, you just say no.

Then how’d OP’s husband get out of it up until now???

I have no idea why OP is such a push over. But the point still stands. If you're going to hide away and be a bump on a log, don't have out of town guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

Because she’s tired of doing everything, so she spoke up and said they were welcome to visit, but she wouldn’t be hosting. See how that works? She was tired, so she communicated clearly that she wasn’t hosting.

You can't not "host" people who are in your home. Whether you like it or not they are there and they are guests and you are hosting whether you like it or not. If you're not up for it, you just say no.

Yes, you can, when there are two grown adults who own the home. DH and I sometimes divide and conquer. I’ve had work events while DH has done the hosting and vice versa. Did you know you don’t even need a vagina to host? Wow!

I don't think sex organs have anything to do with this. OP and her husband have a very unhealthy dysfunctional dynamic. That's the issue OP needs to deal with and until marriage counseling they shouldn't pretend to "host" guests one of them can barely be bothered to be civil to or the other one can barely lift a finger for. Who would want to visit either of these two?

Hmm, I don’t know, grown adults who can make a pot of standard drip coffee? I visited SIL once and she was busy and hadn’t gotten sheets on the bed. Know what I did? I put sheets on the bed. I even wiped my own ass!

And a lot of women get territorial about their stuff and kitchen. ILs were being polite by not acting like they own the place opening all the cabinets and rummaging around. Because that rubs a lot of people the wrong way too. They were in a no win situation.

Then why didn’t they ask the son they raised to make them some coffee. Plus, OP literally said to help themselves. How is that “territorial”?

You're right. DH should have instructed his parents to not talk to OP under any circumstances and avoid making any eye contact. Completely ignore her, pretend she isn't even there. That would have correctly set the expectation of how this visit would go. At least then they could have decided if they wanted to visit if that was the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

No no no we are not pretending this is some isolated and bizarre situation OP has gotten herself into because she is not strong/good/smart enough or whatever you are implying.

The imbalance in household labor is well studied and impacting many if not most households. You are contributing to the problem by denying this reality.
Because she’s tired of doing everything, so she spoke up and said they were welcome to visit, but she wouldn’t be hosting. See how that works? She was tired, so she communicated clearly that she wasn’t hosting.

You can't not "host" people who are in your home. Whether you like it or not they are there and they are guests and you are hosting whether you like it or not. If you're not up for it, you just say no.

Then how’d OP’s husband get out of it up until now???

I have no idea why OP is such a push over. But the point still stands. If you're going to hide away and be a bump on a log, don't have out of town guests.

No no no we are not pretending this is some isolated and bizarre situation OP has gotten herself into because she is not strong/good/smart enough or whatever you are implying.

The imbalance in household labor is well studied and impacting many if not most households. You are contributing to the problem by denying this reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

Because she’s tired of doing everything, so she spoke up and said they were welcome to visit, but she wouldn’t be hosting. See how that works? She was tired, so she communicated clearly that she wasn’t hosting.

You can't not "host" people who are in your home. Whether you like it or not they are there and they are guests and you are hosting whether you like it or not. If you're not up for it, you just say no.

Yes, you can, when there are two grown adults who own the home. DH and I sometimes divide and conquer. I’ve had work events while DH has done the hosting and vice versa. Did you know you don’t even need a vagina to host? Wow!

I don't think sex organs have anything to do with this. OP and her husband have a very unhealthy dysfunctional dynamic. That's the issue OP needs to deal with and until marriage counseling they shouldn't pretend to "host" guests one of them can barely be bothered to be civil to or the other one can barely lift a finger for. Who would want to visit either of these two?

Hmm, I don’t know, grown adults who can make a pot of standard drip coffee? I visited SIL once and she was busy and hadn’t gotten sheets on the bed. Know what I did? I put sheets on the bed. I even wiped my own ass!

And a lot of women get territorial about their stuff and kitchen. ILs were being polite by not acting like they own the place opening all the cabinets and rummaging around. Because that rubs a lot of people the wrong way too. They were in a no win situation.

Then why didn’t they ask the son they raised to make them some coffee. Plus, OP literally said to help themselves. How is that “territorial”?

You're right. DH should have instructed his parents to not talk to OP under any circumstances and avoid making any eye contact. Completely ignore her, pretend she isn't even there. That would have correctly set the expectation of how this visit would go. At least then they could have decided if they wanted to visit if that was the case.

You shouldn’t visit anyone, ever, if you ask about coffee, they reply “feel free to make a pot; the filters and coffee are right above the coffee maker there” and you get miffed. Seriously, stay home if someone tells you to help yourself in their home, and you get mad because you expected to be waited on hand and foot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

In "dropping the rope" you just replicated your DH's sh*tty behavior.

He didn't help and it felt crappy to you. Now you didn't help and it feels crappy to him and his family.

Shocker.

This must be a man responding as he's still trying to pin the blame on the wife.
If DH didn't like the crappy feeling, then he should step up.
He agreed to do the hosting activities but dropped the ball. That's not on OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were upset about how your husband was handling everything during the visit (or lack thereof), your in laws may have picked up on the tension and assumed either there were marital problems or that you were angry with them. She might have been trying to test the waters a bit when she reached out to you, not knowing which one was going on, if that makes sense.

Why didn't OP just say no to the visit in the first place? That would have been better than this awkward AF tension filled visit. I would never visit people again if someone actively avoided me in their home and made the visit as uncomfortable as possible. Maybe that's what OP really wanted but why not just be up front about it and put the foot down? Even if her husband became Martha Stewart cooking, prepping and decorating, OP was still hiding in her room avoiding the guests as much as possible. That certainly sends a message.

Are you kidding me? The husband gets to dip out and do his own thing (leading to the grandparents going to bed earlier than normal) and you have a problem with how OP acted? OP was totally fine/within her boundaries. She said she didn't want to host, husband pushed the issue and said he would take care of it, and now it's OP's problem that she stuck to her word? Maybe next time the husband will say, "OK, I hear you, I don't like hosting either so let's skip Easter this year".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were upset about how your husband was handling everything during the visit (or lack thereof), your in laws may have picked up on the tension and assumed either there were marital problems or that you were angry with them. She might have been trying to test the waters a bit when she reached out to you, not knowing which one was going on, if that makes sense.

Why didn't OP just say no to the visit in the first place? That would have been better than this awkward AF tension filled visit. I would never visit people again if someone actively avoided me in their home and made the visit as uncomfortable as possible. Maybe that's what OP really wanted but why not just be up front about it and put the foot down? Even if her husband became Martha Stewart cooking, prepping and decorating, OP was still hiding in her room avoiding the guests as much as possible. That certainly sends a message.

Are you kidding me? The husband gets to dip out and do his own thing (leading to the grandparents going to bed earlier than normal) and you have a problem with how OP acted? OP was totally fine/within her boundaries. She said she didn't want to host, husband pushed the issue and said he would take care of it, and now it's OP's problem that she stuck to her word? Maybe next time the husband will say, "OK, I hear you, I don't like hosting either so let's skip Easter this year".

I'd rather not have house guests witness my family dysfunction. Instead they let it all hang out with this Easter visit. I wouldn't exactly call that well played.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You're right. DH should have instructed his parents to not talk to OP under any circumstances and avoid making any eye contact. Completely ignore her, pretend she isn't even there. That would have correctly set the expectation of how this visit would go. At least then they could have decided if they wanted to visit if that was the case.

I was married to a guy who talked this way. Thankfully that marriage is over.
He was always trying to find ways to stick me with every responsibility. Even the electrical work around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

In "dropping the rope" you just replicated your DH's sh*tty behavior.

He didn't help and it felt crappy to you. Now you didn't help and it feels crappy to him and his family.

Shocker.

This must be a man responding as he's still trying to pin the blame on the wife.
If DH didn't like the crappy feeling, then he should step up.
He agreed to do the hosting activities but dropped the ball. That's not on OP.

I don't think it's a man. I think it’s a woman who has internalized misogyny from a lifetime of message telling her to be 'nice', to put the desires of others above her own, to swallow her emotions lest someone be uncomfortable and to cover for her DH lest someone think there is tension.

The saddest part is how often it's other women perpetuating this and judging those who push back. Just look at this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were upset about how your husband was handling everything during the visit (or lack thereof), your in laws may have picked up on the tension and assumed either there were marital problems or that you were angry with them. She might have been trying to test the waters a bit when she reached out to you, not knowing which one was going on, if that makes sense.

Why didn't OP just say no to the visit in the first place? That would have been better than this awkward AF tension filled visit. I would never visit people again if someone actively avoided me in their home and made the visit as uncomfortable as possible. Maybe that's what OP really wanted but why not just be up front about it and put the foot down? Even if her husband became Martha Stewart cooking, prepping and decorating, OP was still hiding in her room avoiding the guests as much as possible. That certainly sends a message.

Are you kidding me? The husband gets to dip out and do his own thing (leading to the grandparents going to bed earlier than normal) and you have a problem with how OP acted? OP was totally fine/within her boundaries. She said she didn't want to host, husband pushed the issue and said he would take care of it, and now it's OP's problem that she stuck to her word? Maybe next time the husband will say, "OK, I hear you, I don't like hosting either so let's skip Easter this year".

I'd rather not have house guests witness my family dysfunction. Instead they let it all hang out with this Easter visit. I wouldn't exactly call that well played.

NP. It is not “family dysfunction” when—after years of doing the heavy lifting of hosting her husband’s family—OP clearly communicates that she needs a break. She clearly communicates that if he chooses to host his parents for Easter, he’s going to need to do just that: host. She clearly communicated, ahead of time, that the extent of her Easter-celebrating would be kid clothes and candy. He agreed. He said he would host. Then he didn’t. If there’s any dysfunction, it is on a man who says he understands and will host, and then doesn’t.