I dropped the hosting rope and now ILs think I’m ‘mad’ at them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were upset about how your husband was handling everything during the visit (or lack thereof), your in laws may have picked up on the tension and assumed either there were marital problems or that you were angry with them. She might have been trying to test the waters a bit when she reached out to you, not knowing which one was going on, if that makes sense.

Why didn't OP just say no to the visit in the first place? That would have been better than this awkward AF tension filled visit. I would never visit people again if someone actively avoided me in their home and made the visit as uncomfortable as possible. Maybe that's what OP really wanted but why not just be up front about it and put the foot down? Even if her husband became Martha Stewart cooking, prepping and decorating, OP was still hiding in her room avoiding the guests as much as possible. That certainly sends a message.

Are you kidding me? The husband gets to dip out and do his own thing (leading to the grandparents going to bed earlier than normal) and you have a problem with how OP acted? OP was totally fine/within her boundaries. She said she didn't want to host, husband pushed the issue and said he would take care of it, and now it's OP's problem that she stuck to her word? Maybe next time the husband will say, "OK, I hear you, I don't like hosting either so let's skip Easter this year".

I'd rather not have house guests witness my family dysfunction. Instead they let it all hang out with this Easter visit. I wouldn't exactly call that well played.

What else is there to do though if your husband claims he’s going to manage things? Say “no your parents can’t come because you’ll definitely blow it”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were upset about how your husband was handling everything during the visit (or lack thereof), your in laws may have picked up on the tension and assumed either there were marital problems or that you were angry with them. She might have been trying to test the waters a bit when she reached out to you, not knowing which one was going on, if that makes sense.

Why didn't OP just say no to the visit in the first place? That would have been better than this awkward AF tension filled visit. I would never visit people again if someone actively avoided me in their home and made the visit as uncomfortable as possible. Maybe that's what OP really wanted but why not just be up front about it and put the foot down? Even if her husband became Martha Stewart cooking, prepping and decorating, OP was still hiding in her room avoiding the guests as much as possible. That certainly sends a message.

Are you kidding me? The husband gets to dip out and do his own thing (leading to the grandparents going to bed earlier than normal) and you have a problem with how OP acted? OP was totally fine/within her boundaries. She said she didn't want to host, husband pushed the issue and said he would take care of it, and now it's OP's problem that she stuck to her word? Maybe next time the husband will say, "OK, I hear you, I don't like hosting either so let's skip Easter this year".

I'd rather not have house guests witness my family dysfunction. Instead they let it all hang out with this Easter visit. I wouldn't exactly call that well played.

What else is there to do though if your husband claims he’s going to manage things? Say “no your parents can’t come because you’ll definitely blow it”?

Pretty much. People don't change. She's been married for years and knows this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were upset about how your husband was handling everything during the visit (or lack thereof), your in laws may have picked up on the tension and assumed either there were marital problems or that you were angry with them. She might have been trying to test the waters a bit when she reached out to you, not knowing which one was going on, if that makes sense.

Why didn't OP just say no to the visit in the first place? That would have been better than this awkward AF tension filled visit. I would never visit people again if someone actively avoided me in their home and made the visit as uncomfortable as possible. Maybe that's what OP really wanted but why not just be up front about it and put the foot down? Even if her husband became Martha Stewart cooking, prepping and decorating, OP was still hiding in her room avoiding the guests as much as possible. That certainly sends a message.

Are you kidding me? The husband gets to dip out and do his own thing (leading to the grandparents going to bed earlier than normal) and you have a problem with how OP acted? OP was totally fine/within her boundaries. She said she didn't want to host, husband pushed the issue and said he would take care of it, and now it's OP's problem that she stuck to her word? Maybe next time the husband will say, "OK, I hear you, I don't like hosting either so let's skip Easter this year".

I'd rather not have house guests witness my family dysfunction. Instead they let it all hang out with this Easter visit. I wouldn't exactly call that well played.

What else is there to do though if your husband claims he’s going to manage things? Say “no your parents can’t come because you’ll definitely blow it”?

Pretty much. People don't change. She's been married for years and knows this guy.

So at that point, do OP/her husband rescind the invitation? That seems less dysfunctional than letting the husband fail after he pushed the issue and insisted on having his parents stay the weekend? What if husband thinks he can handle it? Then what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were upset about how your husband was handling everything during the visit (or lack thereof), your in laws may have picked up on the tension and assumed either there were marital problems or that you were angry with them. She might have been trying to test the waters a bit when she reached out to you, not knowing which one was going on, if that makes sense.

Why didn't OP just say no to the visit in the first place? That would have been better than this awkward AF tension filled visit. I would never visit people again if someone actively avoided me in their home and made the visit as uncomfortable as possible. Maybe that's what OP really wanted but why not just be up front about it and put the foot down? Even if her husband became Martha Stewart cooking, prepping and decorating, OP was still hiding in her room avoiding the guests as much as possible. That certainly sends a message.

Are you kidding me? The husband gets to dip out and do his own thing (leading to the grandparents going to bed earlier than normal) and you have a problem with how OP acted? OP was totally fine/within her boundaries. She said she didn't want to host, husband pushed the issue and said he would take care of it, and now it's OP's problem that she stuck to her word? Maybe next time the husband will say, "OK, I hear you, I don't like hosting either so let's skip Easter this year".

I'd rather not have house guests witness my family dysfunction. Instead they let it all hang out with this Easter visit. I wouldn't exactly call that well played.

What else is there to do though if your husband claims he’s going to manage things? Say “no your parents can’t come because you’ll definitely blow it”?

Pretty much. People don't change. She's been married for years and knows this guy.

So at that point, do OP/her husband rescind the invitation? That seems less dysfunctional than letting the husband fail after he pushed the issue and insisted on having his parents stay the weekend? What if husband thinks he can handle it? Then what?

They talked about it before he invited them. No invitation would need to be rescinded. Do you really think a husband with a history of completely not helping or doing his part is going to be the host with the most?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were upset about how your husband was handling everything during the visit (or lack thereof), your in laws may have picked up on the tension and assumed either there were marital problems or that you were angry with them. She might have been trying to test the waters a bit when she reached out to you, not knowing which one was going on, if that makes sense.

Why didn't OP just say no to the visit in the first place? That would have been better than this awkward AF tension filled visit. I would never visit people again if someone actively avoided me in their home and made the visit as uncomfortable as possible. Maybe that's what OP really wanted but why not just be up front about it and put the foot down? Even if her husband became Martha Stewart cooking, prepping and decorating, OP was still hiding in her room avoiding the guests as much as possible. That certainly sends a message.

Are you kidding me? The husband gets to dip out and do his own thing (leading to the grandparents going to bed earlier than normal) and you have a problem with how OP acted? OP was totally fine/within her boundaries. She said she didn't want to host, husband pushed the issue and said he would take care of it, and now it's OP's problem that she stuck to her word? Maybe next time the husband will say, "OK, I hear you, I don't like hosting either so let's skip Easter this year".

I'd rather not have house guests witness my family dysfunction. Instead they let it all hang out with this Easter visit. I wouldn't exactly call that well played.

What else is there to do though if your husband claims he’s going to manage things? Say “no your parents can’t come because you’ll definitely blow it”?

Pretty much. People don't change. She's been married for years and knows this guy.

So at that point, do OP/her husband rescind the invitation? That seems less dysfunctional than letting the husband fail after he pushed the issue and insisted on having his parents stay the weekend? What if husband thinks he can handle it? Then what?

It's right there in the OP: "I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again. No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them"

This leopard isn't going to change his spots.

[Anonymous]

You were a B**** op.

If you have a son, may this be visited on you in future holidays.

[Anonymous]

OP I get why you don’t want to have them over. But you handled it badly. Your DH was going to fail because you enabled for years. And your in-laws suffered. What do you think you accomplished?

You were rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were a B**** op.

If you have a son, may this be visited on you in future holidays.

NP. DH and I have a son, and because we are raising him right, he will never be a hapless dolt who can’t make restaurant reservations. And if we ever visit and things seem to be a little haphazard, DH and I will pitch in and help, not follow behind a woman who doesn’t even drink coffee herself, begging her to make a pot, because we’re hapless. At the very least, we’d ask our son to make coffee. He’s 10 and he already knows how to operate a standard coffee maker. What are you going to say now?

How about this: May you all be treated by the sons and daughters you raised how you raised them to function as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were a B**** op.

If you have a son, may this be visited on you in future holidays.

I have 3 boys and if I ever see the normal dynamic that OP describes in my ds' homes in the future I will be telling my ds to grow up and pay attention. I will also never expect to be waited on by my DILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I get why you don’t want to have them over. But you handled it badly. Your DH was going to fail because you enabled for years. And your in-laws suffered. What do you think you accomplished?

You were rude.

They “suffered” because they wouldn’t make themselves a pot of coffee after being told to help themselves? OK. If they “suffered” it was karma delivering back to them the hapless dolt they raised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were upset about how your husband was handling everything during the visit (or lack thereof), your in laws may have picked up on the tension and assumed either there were marital problems or that you were angry with them. She might have been trying to test the waters a bit when she reached out to you, not knowing which one was going on, if that makes sense.

Why didn't OP just say no to the visit in the first place? That would have been better than this awkward AF tension filled visit. I would never visit people again if someone actively avoided me in their home and made the visit as uncomfortable as possible. Maybe that's what OP really wanted but why not just be up front about it and put the foot down? Even if her husband became Martha Stewart cooking, prepping and decorating, OP was still hiding in her room avoiding the guests as much as possible. That certainly sends a message.

Are you kidding me? The husband gets to dip out and do his own thing (leading to the grandparents going to bed earlier than normal) and you have a problem with how OP acted? OP was totally fine/within her boundaries. She said she didn't want to host, husband pushed the issue and said he would take care of it, and now it's OP's problem that she stuck to her word? Maybe next time the husband will say, "OK, I hear you, I don't like hosting either so let's skip Easter this year".

I'd rather not have house guests witness my family dysfunction. Instead they let it all hang out with this Easter visit. I wouldn't exactly call that well played.

What else is there to do though if your husband claims he’s going to manage things? Say “no your parents can’t come because you’ll definitely blow it”?

Pretty much. People don't change. She's been married for years and knows this guy.

So at that point, do OP/her husband rescind the invitation? That seems less dysfunctional than letting the husband fail after he pushed the issue and insisted on having his parents stay the weekend? What if husband thinks he can handle it? Then what?

Then let him fail! He is an adul. Geesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

In "dropping the rope" you just replicated your DH's sh*tty behavior.

He didn't help and it felt crappy to you. Now you didn't help and it feels crappy to him and his family.

Shocker.

This must be a man responding as he's still trying to pin the blame on the wife.
If DH didn't like the crappy feeling, then he should step up.
He agreed to do the hosting activities but dropped the ball. That's not on OP.

I don't think it's a man. I think it’s a woman who has internalized misogyny from a lifetime of message telling her to be 'nice', to put the desires of others above her own, to swallow her emotions lest someone be uncomfortable and to cover for her DH lest someone think there is tension.

The saddest part is how often it's other women perpetuating this and judging those who push back. Just look at this thread.

Exactly this. I understand the bitterness and misery loves company mentality these posters have but I say good for you,OP. Working towards an equitable relationship is not dysfunctional and it doesn’t mean you or your DH are bad people or that your relationship is loveless or toxic (quite the opposite!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were given the opportunity to explain why you are mad at them — and you ARE mad at them — and you obfuscated and were glib. This isn’t the win you seem to think it is.

Yes it is. Op wins! DH is lame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were given the opportunity to explain why you are mad at them — and you ARE mad at them — and you obfuscated and were glib. This isn’t the win you seem to think it is.

Yes it is. Op wins! DH is lame.

As the lucky winner she wins a spot next to him in bed. We should all be so lucky.

[Anonymous]

Wow, y’all are something. When someone like OP doesn’t speak up or drop the rope, she’s a DCUM Doormat. If she doesn’t execute perfectly the very first time she puts up some boundaries, she’s a B-word who deserves to be shunned when she’s a grandma.

I’d say “never change,” harpies of DCUM, but it’s pretty clear that you literally can’t.