I dropped the hosting rope and now ILs think I’m ‘mad’ at them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

Why couldn’t the husband take care of his own parents since it was so easy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

Why couldn’t the husband take care of his own parents since it was so easy?

Polite for men: not saying something rude
Polite for women: cooking, cleaning, entertaining

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

OP is showing her children that it isn’t entirely up to the woman in the house to do all of the cooking and cleaning and hosting when people come to visit. I think that’s an important lesson.

I personally don’t think the kids learned a good lesson here although I think OP and her husband can use this going forward.

The kids should be seeing their parents work as a team.

Now that OP’s husband flopped, *hopefully* he will recognize the amount of work that goes into it and do his share next time. He can handle the meals (apparently rotisserie chicken), OP will prep the bedding/sheets, in laws can handle their own coffee. That’s the healthy dynamic for the kids to see - husband and wife coming together and sharing responsibilities fairly while making guests feel welcomed into their home.

Kids, especially DDs, should see their mother set and maintain healthy boundaries. They should see there be consequences to actions and that not being a partner or respected breeds resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

She was being nice. It was her DH who wasn't being nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread really makes me realize how closely we associate women helping with being nice and how that dynamic doesn’t really apply with men. A “nice” woman is putting in a lot of extra effort around a house whether hosting or visiting. Meanwhile, I think a lot of people perceive men as “nice” just for being polite and engaging in basic conversation and that’s it.

I can’t imagine most parents thinking a husband is not nice or is mad at them because he didn’t set out coffee the night before. A woman is more easily deemed unlikeable because she isn’t helping with dinner or offering to do the dishes etc.

I’m glad there is more awareness around this and people are changing this traditional way of thinking

+1. Amen. The idea that women must be angry in order to take a break from hosting should have died with the Silent Generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread really makes me realize how closely we associate women helping with being nice and how that dynamic doesn’t really apply with men. A “nice” woman is putting in a lot of extra effort around a house whether hosting or visiting. Meanwhile, I think a lot of people perceive men as “nice” just for being polite and engaging in basic conversation and that’s it.

I can’t imagine most parents thinking a husband is not nice or is mad at them because he didn’t set out coffee the night before. A woman is more easily deemed unlikeable because she isn’t helping with dinner or offering to do the dishes etc.

I’m glad there is more awareness around this and people are changing this traditional way of thinking

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

Because she’s tired of doing everything, so she spoke up and said they were welcome to visit, but she wouldn’t be hosting. See how that works? She was tired, so she communicated clearly that she wasn’t hosting.

You can't not "host" people who are in your home. Whether you like it or not they are there and they are guests and you are hosting whether you like it or not. If you're not up for it, you just say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really makes me realize how closely we associate women helping with being nice and how that dynamic doesn’t really apply with men. A “nice” woman is putting in a lot of extra effort around a house whether hosting or visiting. Meanwhile, I think a lot of people perceive men as “nice” just for being polite and engaging in basic conversation and that’s it.

I can’t imagine most parents thinking a husband is not nice or is mad at them because he didn’t set out coffee the night before. A woman is more easily deemed unlikeable because she isn’t helping with dinner or offering to do the dishes etc.

I’m glad there is more awareness around this and people are changing this traditional way of thinking

+1. Amen. The idea that women must be angry in order to take a break from hosting should have died with the Silent Generation.

Exactly how old is OP? Why is this even the dynamic in her home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the coffee stuff - the next time they visit - on the first night of their arrival, I would just say - the coffee stuff is where it is usually is. You know how to work everything and can make it if you're up before me? Then you can answer any questions if they have any.

No. That's too much. The never give an inch to the inlaw crowd would surely find an issue with this. I'm not sure why OP didn't just pack up and move to a hotel for the weekend. That might have been more pleasant for everyone.

Their son agreed to host. RE: the coffee — does he not have a mouth? Or arms? Poor guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the coffee stuff - the next time they visit - on the first night of their arrival, I would just say - the coffee stuff is where it is usually is. You know how to work everything and can make it if you're up before me? Then you can answer any questions if they have any.

No. That's too much. The never give an inch to the inlaw crowd would surely find an issue with this. I'm not sure why OP didn't just pack up and move to a hotel for the weekend. That might have been more pleasant for everyone.

Their son agreed to host. RE: the coffee — does he not have a mouth? Or arms? Poor guy.

When other people are in your home do you normally pretend you aren't there or don't live there or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

Because she’s tired of doing everything, so she spoke up and said they were welcome to visit, but she wouldn’t be hosting. See how that works? She was tired, so she communicated clearly that she wasn’t hosting.

You can't not "host" people who are in your home. Whether you like it or not they are there and they are guests and you are hosting whether you like it or not. If you're not up for it, you just say no.

Then how’d OP’s husband get out of it up until now???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

Why didnt DH do the bare minimum of making a dinner reservation? Contrary to popular belief, the presence of a penis does not preclude one from operating a cellphone or a computer mouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

Because she’s tired of doing everything, so she spoke up and said they were welcome to visit, but she wouldn’t be hosting. See how that works? She was tired, so she communicated clearly that she wasn’t hosting.

You can't not "host" people who are in your home. Whether you like it or not they are there and they are guests and you are hosting whether you like it or not. If you're not up for it, you just say no.

Then how’d OP’s husband get out of it up until now???

THANK YOU. End of thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

Because she’s tired of doing everything, so she spoke up and said they were welcome to visit, but she wouldn’t be hosting. See how that works? She was tired, so she communicated clearly that she wasn’t hosting.

You can't not "host" people who are in your home. Whether you like it or not they are there and they are guests and you are hosting whether you like it or not. If you're not up for it, you just say no.

Yes, you can, when there are two grown adults who own the home. DH and I sometimes divide and conquer. I’ve had work events while DH has done the hosting and vice versa. Did you know you don’t even need a vagina to host? Wow!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

Because she’s tired of doing everything, so she spoke up and said they were welcome to visit, but she wouldn’t be hosting. See how that works? She was tired, so she communicated clearly that she wasn’t hosting.

You can't not "host" people who are in your home. Whether you like it or not they are there and they are guests and you are hosting whether you like it or not. If you're not up for it, you just say no.

Then how’d OP’s husband get out of it up until now???

I have no idea why OP is such a push over. But the point still stands. If you're going to hide away and be a bump on a log, don't have out of town guests.