Continually get asked if I’m my son’s grandmother

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing we’re (the commentators) are more concerned with this than op at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am olive skinned, short, fat, frumpy. One of my sons is a teenager and has movie star looks. The other one is angelic looking blond and green eyed devil. I am constantly being asked if I am the nanny.

Same PP. I have been asked why my kid is so fair and if my kids have different fathers. People are clueless.

My best friend's SIL is from Ecuador. Her first child is blonde haired and blue eyed like his dad. Her second child is dark haired and brown eyed like his mom. She also has an accent, so she constantly gets asked if she's the nanny/au pair, if one is adopted, if they have different fathers, etc. She just shrugs it off. It doesn't mean she loves her kids any less or her marriage isn't good or she doesn't have a happy life. When I was younger (like in high school) people assumed I was older than I was. Now that I'm 43 they assume I'm younger than I am. Who cares? My age doesn't fluctuate based on what people think of me. Now, if people thought I was mean, or stupid, or unkind, or rude - that would bother me. But whether they think I'm 25 at 17 or 30 at 43 makes no difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone here watched 16 and pregnant back in the day? Leah's mom, Dawn, was 32 at the time. That BLOWS MY MIND. She easily looked 55.

And think if Leah's oldest (I don't remember any of their names) had a baby at 16 - then Dawn would be a GREAT GRANDMOTHER at 48.

There are all kinds of families and maybe 100 years from now people will stop asking if two dads are a dad and an uncle because they forget that two men can have a child together and maybe they won't. It's ignorant, sure, but assigning malice to it seems a bit much. Just assume they have a small world view and move on with your day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone here watched 16 and pregnant back in the day? Leah's mom, Dawn, was 32 at the time. That BLOWS MY MIND. She easily looked 55.

Look at the Golden Girls - they looked WAY older than they were!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was at Tysons a few years back with my dad who was visiting from out of town and he forgot to bring a belt, so we were getting one at Macys. I was 36 and he was 60 at the time. The salesperson when we were checking out, who was also older! Not a younger college age or early 20s woman! asked/implied that I was his wife and I wanted to THROW UP. Luckily my dad was staring at something on his phone and not paying attention and I was so flustered I just wanted to get out of there. I’m not sure if she thought I was much older or was just assuming he was an older man with a younger woman.

That’s hilarious - my family would still be laughing about that.

+1

I'm wondering why that comment made the PP want to throw up and she was glad her dad didn't hear it. We would still be laughing about that had it happened in my family. It makes me really wonder what's going on with people that something like that was so upsetting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was at Tysons a few years back with my dad who was visiting from out of town and he forgot to bring a belt, so we were getting one at Macys. I was 36 and he was 60 at the time. The salesperson when we were checking out, who was also older! Not a younger college age or early 20s woman! asked/implied that I was his wife and I wanted to THROW UP. Luckily my dad was staring at something on his phone and not paying attention and I was so flustered I just wanted to get out of there. I’m not sure if she thought I was much older or was just assuming he was an older man with a younger woman.

That’s hilarious - my family would still be laughing about that.

This happened to me with my dad when I was about 17 (he would have been 50) in Saks Fifth Avenue and I was HORRIFIED. I did look kind of old for my age, but like 21. So still gross.

My first boss is 20 years older than me. He has continued to be my mentor and whenever we are in the same city we will go out to lunch or dinner together. There has NEVER been anything going on between us and we do not flirt with each other or anything like that, but so many times waiters have made comments about how we're a cute couple or hope we enjoyed our date or whatever. We're not sitting on the same side of the booth, sharing food, touching each other, or doing anything that would convey a romantic relationship to oursiders. It makes me think I'm in Pence-land or something and it's odd but we just laugh about it because it is funny - and then we tell our spouses about it and they laugh, too. Because we're all adults and no one is doing anything wrong, so who cares if people assume a man and a woman together are dating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

Why would she want to waste so much time money and energy pretending to be 32 when she is 42 hard earned years old. Ignore the foolish questions and don't assume a person caring for a child is mom. grandma. nanny or anything else.

That is all well and good. Make your choices, live your choices, own your choices. But then don’t complain! That’s all I’m saying. Don’t be bothered! Make your choices and keep it moving.

How about you shut your mouth and keep moving--the rude comments are the problem, not the hair.

Do you actually eat or kiss your children with that mouth? Yucko!

You eat your children?

Grammar police are my favorite people.

Reminds me of the saying: Let's Eat, Grandma versus Let's Eat Grandma - commas save lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

No, people can learn not to be rude and comment on your appearance, make assumptions etc.

j

Would it be rude to ask someone if they were sisters, etc.? No. They are being friendly. If you don’t want to look like a grandma, take basic care of your appearance.

I went white in my 30’s and didn’t dye my hair after the first few years. I had my son when I was 34, and have been taken for his grandmother more times than I can count - it happened all the time. It bothered me, yes, but I knew it was because of my hair. PP, I’d push back on “take basic care of your appearance.” I do and always have been clean, groomed, healthy. I don’t dye my hair. You are implying that if you don’t buy the bullshit that women have to look like eternally young Barbie dolls or they aren’t taking basic care of themselves. F that.

Nice try, but I said several times “it’s absolutely fine to do none of those things.” Sure, you can have good grooming and still choose to go gray. That’s fine. What you can’t be is bothered about it. You’re making a choice: own it. Don’t want to be bothered? Don’t go gray in your 30s.

If I were complaining and whining that no one took me seriously at work, and come to find out I was choosing to wear athleisure every day, your response would probably either be make a change, or stop complaining. Same to you!

NP. You're comparing apples to oranges. PP didn't CHOOSE to go gray. She is choosing not to dye her hair to hide it, but that's choosing not to take on a piece of maintenance that she should be able to have a choice on. CHOOSING to wear athleisure to an office is a choice - you have to put some clothes on, you're choosing very casual ones. You don't HAVE to dye your hair. That's just not a fair comparison and it belittles the issue of people going gray.

The “issue”? You mean the known, inevitable thing that happens to most people if they are lucky enough to age? I’ve known I would have gray hair someday since I was about 4 and talked with my grandma about her hair. Do you also take “issue” with leaves falling every autumn, and taxes being due every April? Get over it. Yes of course you can’t choose not to go gray, but you do have choices on how to style or color it if you want to. If you are going to CHOOSE to “embrace” it, then don’t forget the part where you—actually embrace it. Don’t drone on and on about aging gracefully and embracing your gray in person and on Instagram only to fall apart if someone thinks you’re older than you would like to be perceived. Own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are bothered by this because it triggered something in you: are you unhappy with how you look/present? Do you wish you could change that? I get being annoyed but you seem to imply this happens more than once.

No one wants to be called grandma…unless they are a great grandma. Get real.

The psycholodrama folks are trying to make this into us comical.

Np. Fact is op could be a grandma. Since hen is it an insult? Just laugh and say nope he is my son?

40 year olds are not commonly grandparents.

In much of America you rarely see 40 year old parents but 40 something grandparents are common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

No, people can learn not to be rude and comment on your appearance, make assumptions etc.

j

Would it be rude to ask someone if they were sisters, etc.? No. They are being friendly. If you don’t want to look like a grandma, take basic care of your appearance.

I went white in my 30’s and didn’t dye my hair after the first few years. I had my son when I was 34, and have been taken for his grandmother more times than I can count - it happened all the time. It bothered me, yes, but I knew it was because of my hair. PP, I’d push back on “take basic care of your appearance.” I do and always have been clean, groomed, healthy. I don’t dye my hair. You are implying that if you don’t buy the bullshit that women have to look like eternally young Barbie dolls or they aren’t taking basic care of themselves. F that.

Nice try, but I said several times “it’s absolutely fine to do none of those things.” Sure, you can have good grooming and still choose to go gray. That’s fine. What you can’t be is bothered about it. You’re making a choice: own it. Don’t want to be bothered? Don’t go gray in your 30s.

If I were complaining and whining that no one took me seriously at work, and come to find out I was choosing to wear athleisure every day, your response would probably either be make a change, or stop complaining. Same to you!

NP. You're comparing apples to oranges. PP didn't CHOOSE to go gray. She is choosing not to dye her hair to hide it, but that's choosing not to take on a piece of maintenance that she should be able to have a choice on. CHOOSING to wear athleisure to an office is a choice - you have to put some clothes on, you're choosing very casual ones. You don't HAVE to dye your hair. That's just not a fair comparison and it belittles the issue of people going gray.

The “issue”? You mean the known, inevitable thing that happens to most people if they are lucky enough to age? I’ve known I would have gray hair someday since I was about 4 and talked with my grandma about her hair. Do you also take “issue” with leaves falling every autumn, and taxes being due every April? Get over it. Yes of course you can’t choose not to go gray, but you do have choices on how to style or color it if you want to. If you are going to CHOOSE to “embrace” it, then don’t forget the part where you—actually embrace it. Don’t drone on and on about aging gracefully and embracing your gray in person and on Instagram only to fall apart if someone thinks you’re older than you would like to be perceived. Own it.

If everyone turned gray at the same age, then it wouldn't be much of an issue, would it? But for people who go gray earlier, it becomes a thing - either they have to color their hair or accept that some people will think they're old. But at 43 I have blonde hair and no visible grays (blonde is good at hiding that but I don't dye my hair - it's been blonde ever since I was kid) and my best friend has gray hair. We are the same age and had our kids at almost the same ages. But without any kind of intervention, she would look older than I am.

I don't think anyone should fall apart if someone thinks they're older (or younger) than they are, because who the F cares what someone thinks about your age? But I also think it's flippant to tell someone that they are choosing to look old if they decide not to dye the gray hair that started when they were 20 (my college roommate had grays beginning in our freshman year). Because you can't always fix ignorance, I think it's best to not concern yourself with what other people think or say, but I also think it's stupid to act like having to maintain dyed hair is the same amount of effort as reaching for slacks instead of yoga pants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are bothered by this because it triggered something in you: are you unhappy with how you look/present? Do you wish you could change that? I get being annoyed but you seem to imply this happens more than once.

No one wants to be called grandma…unless they are a great grandma. Get real.

The psycholodrama folks are trying to make this into us comical.

Np. Fact is op could be a grandma. Since hen is it an insult? Just laugh and say nope he is my son?

40 year olds are not commonly grandparents.

In much of America you rarely see 40 year old parents but 40 something grandparents are common.

Maybe later 40s. 43 would be pushing it. Regardless, if you look at the original post the man was not super dialed in socially to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are bothered by this because it triggered something in you: are you unhappy with how you look/present? Do you wish you could change that? I get being annoyed but you seem to imply this happens more than once.

No one wants to be called grandma…unless they are a great grandma. Get real.

The psycholodrama folks are trying to make this into us comical.

Np. Fact is op could be a grandma. Since hen is it an insult? Just laugh and say nope he is my son?

40 year olds are not commonly grandparents.

In much of America you rarely see 40 year old parents but 40 something grandparents are common.

Maybe later 40s. 43 would be pushing it. Regardless, if you look at the original post the man was not super dialed in socially to begin with.

You're wrong. There are many, many parts of the country where the average age for women having their first child is 22: https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2018/08/04/upshot/up-birth-age-gap.html And if you know anything about averages, there will be a lot of families where the mom is younger than 22. A 43yo grandma may be uncommon in the DC area but it's not at all atypical in some areas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are bothered by this because it triggered something in you: are you unhappy with how you look/present? Do you wish you could change that? I get being annoyed but you seem to imply this happens more than once.

No one wants to be called grandma…unless they are a great grandma. Get real.

The psycholodrama folks are trying to make this into us comical.

Np. Fact is op could be a grandma. Since hen is it an insult? Just laugh and say nope he is my son?

40 year olds are not commonly grandparents.

In much of America you rarely see 40 year old parents but 40 something grandparents are common.

Maybe later 40s. 43 would be pushing it. Regardless, if you look at the original post the man was not super dialed in socially to begin with.

You're wrong. There are many, many parts of the country where the average age for women having their first child is 22: https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2018/08/04/upshot/up-birth-age-gap.html And if you know anything about averages, there will be a lot of families where the mom is younger than 22. A 43yo grandma may be uncommon in the DC area but it's not at all atypical in some areas.

I get that you’re really fixated on this. But read the original post I think that’s more of what this is about. Everyone’s going on this woman’s appearance or age, but really, this dude was just not paying attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are bothered by this because it triggered something in you: are you unhappy with how you look/present? Do you wish you could change that? I get being annoyed but you seem to imply this happens more than once.

No one wants to be called grandma…unless they are a great grandma. Get real.

The psycholodrama folks are trying to make this into us comical.

Np. Fact is op could be a grandma. Since hen is it an insult? Just laugh and say nope he is my son?

40 year olds are not commonly grandparents.

In much of America you rarely see 40 year old parents but 40 something grandparents are common.

Maybe later 40s. 43 would be pushing it. Regardless, if you look at the original post the man was not super dialed in socially to begin with.

You're wrong. There are many, many parts of the country where the average age for women having their first child is 22: https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2018/08/04/upshot/up-birth-age-gap.html And if you know anything about averages, there will be a lot of families where the mom is younger than 22. A 43yo grandma may be uncommon in the DC area but it's not at all atypical in some areas.

That means there is a ton of teenagers having kids.. I’m completely OK with being wrong but cycle breaking is not a harmful thing. Many young parents can really rock it and pull everything together be successful. But that’s not going to ge the case for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are bothered by this because it triggered something in you: are you unhappy with how you look/present? Do you wish you could change that? I get being annoyed but you seem to imply this happens more than once.

No one wants to be called grandma…unless they are a great grandma. Get real.

The psycholodrama folks are trying to make this into us comical.

Np. Fact is op could be a grandma. Since hen is it an insult? Just laugh and say nope he is my son?

40 year olds are not commonly grandparents.

In much of America you rarely see 40 year old parents but 40 something grandparents are common.

Maybe later 40s. 43 would be pushing it. Regardless, if you look at the original post the man was not super dialed in socially to begin with.

You're wrong. There are many, many parts of the country where the average age for women having their first child is 22: https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2018/08/04/upshot/up-birth-age-gap.html And if you know anything about averages, there will be a lot of families where the mom is younger than 22. A 43yo grandma may be uncommon in the DC area but it's not at all atypical in some areas.

I get that you’re really fixated on this. But read the original post I think that’s more of what this is about. Everyone’s going on this woman’s appearance or age, but really, this dude was just not paying attention.

PP who pasted the link and I'm a NP to this thread so I'm not fixated, but I do think it's fascinating how isolated I am, and perhaps you too, when it comes to the reality of first time motherhood for most American women. Among the top 10 counties for oldest first time moms are three DC-area counties -- Falls Church, Arlington and Alexandria. All with averages of 30 or 31yo! I get that the OP's situation is more likely just a guy who was making small talk and wasn't really paying attention, but he wasn't way off base.