Continually get asked if I’m my son’s grandmother

[Anonymous]

I had my first at 29 and was mistaken for his aupair because of my accent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

No, people can learn not to be rude and comment on your appearance, make assumptions etc.

j

Would it be rude to ask someone if they were sisters, etc.? No. They are being friendly. If you don’t want to look like a grandma, take basic care of your appearance.

I went white in my 30’s and didn’t dye my hair after the first few years. I had my son when I was 34, and have been taken for his grandmother more times than I can count - it happened all the time. It bothered me, yes, but I knew it was because of my hair. PP, I’d push back on “take basic care of your appearance.” I do and always have been clean, groomed, healthy. I don’t dye my hair. You are implying that if you don’t buy the bullshit that women have to look like eternally young Barbie dolls or they aren’t taking basic care of themselves. F that.

Nice try, but I said several times “it’s absolutely fine to do none of those things.” Sure, you can have good grooming and still choose to go gray. That’s fine. What you can’t be is bothered about it. You’re making a choice: own it. Don’t want to be bothered? Don’t go gray in your 30s.

If I were complaining and whining that no one took me seriously at work, and come to find out I was choosing to wear athleisure every day, your response would probably either be make a change, or stop complaining. Same to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Receive this virtual hug.

Hurt people try to hurt people.

Maybe the stranger was taking out their own insecurities on you.

Lift your head high and be glad you are healthy and have a healthy child.

Live. Love. Laugh.

Cause there are millions who wish they could be you, at any age.

What's with the platitudes? This person isn't "hurt." He probably really believe she was the Grandma.

[Anonymous]

So often people talk to hear themselves. That person was an ass. Like the overly well intentioned people that tell you to put a hat or socks on your baby, even though you have multiple times and finally given up. Or really more like using any part of a conversation to reminisce about their high school or college sports career.

They’re not pay attention at all and found you and your son as an excuse to flap their lips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

No, people can learn not to be rude and comment on your appearance, make assumptions etc.

j

Would it be rude to ask someone if they were sisters, etc.? No. They are being friendly. If you don’t want to look like a grandma, take basic care of your appearance.

I went white in my 30’s and didn’t dye my hair after the first few years. I had my son when I was 34, and have been taken for his grandmother more times than I can count - it happened all the time. It bothered me, yes, but I knew it was because of my hair. PP, I’d push back on “take basic care of your appearance.” I do and always have been clean, groomed, healthy. I don’t dye my hair. You are implying that if you don’t buy the bullshit that women have to look like eternally young Barbie dolls or they aren’t taking basic care of themselves. F that.

I disagree. I know all this rationally, but I just mistook one of my daughter's teammates mom as Grandma because she had a gray somewhat dated haircut. Gray hair makes people in their 40s and 50s look older. It just does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

No, people can learn not to be rude and comment on your appearance, make assumptions etc.

j

Would it be rude to ask someone if they were sisters, etc.? No. They are being friendly. If you don’t want to look like a grandma, take basic care of your appearance.

People just shouldn’t make assumptions about the relationships between people, they often end up looking dumb. I babysit my best friend’s daughters frequently, and when we’re out and about I have had multiple people tell me how much they look like their mom (who they think is me). Sorry, nope! No relation.

[Anonymous]

OP, a lot depends upon the region that you live in. In the rural area of Maryland that I live there are many grandmas and grandpas in their 40's raising young children because their daughters are addicted to drugs.

It is a poor region so older women typically don't have the money available for IVF.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to everyone that replied. I do think a major part of it is the grey hair. I started going grey in my late 20’s but it was always appreciated (kind of like a bride of Frankenstein from the temples lol). I never liked it and wanted to dye it then but everyone else loved it. It only showed when my hair was pulled back and it was unique I guess. It seems I’m out of the “grey hair=cute” phase. There’s definitely more grey now so I’m going to make an appt to dye it this week. Hoping that helps cut down on the comments!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are you dressing like, do you take care of yourself like do you have lots of gray, wrinkles etc? Things like salon and Botox can help. Nowadays women in their 40s look like 30s because of new treatments that weren't around 10 years ago

Botox, filler, lasers, chemical peels, etc have all been around for 30 yrs. Might be new to you, but it's not a new treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

+1 My younger sister looks much older than me and complains about it all the time, yet refuses to do anything to keep up with her peers. It is unfair, but that is how it is! I wish people wouldn't be unintentionally rude about it but there are a lot of oblivious people out there. You can easily change how you present yourself to the world but you can't change how rude the general public is.

[Anonymous]

It will probably keep happening, OP. Gray hair would put at least ten years on me. I color my hair for myself but know that, together with staying out of the sun, it keeps me younger-looking. Men look like grandfathers when they go gray, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to everyone that replied. I do think a major part of it is the grey hair. I started going grey in my late 20’s but it was always appreciated (kind of like a bride of Frankenstein from the temples lol). I never liked it and wanted to dye it then but everyone else loved it. It only showed when my hair was pulled back and it was unique I guess. It seems I’m out of the “grey hair=cute” phase. There’s definitely more grey now so I’m going to make an appt to dye it this week. Hoping that helps cut down on the comments!

I’m glad you’re willing to try something new to achieve the result you want. I hope it goes well. It is of course your choice, but it sounds like it’s the choice you want to make to feel you’re most comfortable and most confident, and that’s what it’s all about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

No, people can learn not to be rude and comment on your appearance, make assumptions etc.

j

Would it be rude to ask someone if they were sisters, etc.? No. They are being friendly. If you don’t want to look like a grandma, take basic care of your appearance.

I went white in my 30’s and didn’t dye my hair after the first few years. I had my son when I was 34, and have been taken for his grandmother more times than I can count - it happened all the time. It bothered me, yes, but I knew it was because of my hair. PP, I’d push back on “take basic care of your appearance.” I do and always have been clean, groomed, healthy. I don’t dye my hair. You are implying that if you don’t buy the bullshit that women have to look like eternally young Barbie dolls or they aren’t taking basic care of themselves. F that.

Nice try, but I said several times “it’s absolutely fine to do none of those things.” Sure, you can have good grooming and still choose to go gray. That’s fine. What you can’t be is bothered about it. You’re making a choice: own it. Don’t want to be bothered? Don’t go gray in your 30s.

If I were complaining and whining that no one took me seriously at work, and come to find out I was choosing to wear athleisure every day, your response would probably either be make a change, or stop complaining. Same to you!

I’ve never complained about it, and I mentioned that I was bothered when I was younger but understood it was because of my white hair. What I object to is the definition of “taking basic care” with not looking older. I don’t look unattractive, I look 10 years older than I am. I could dye my hair and look younger. I choose not to. I am just pointing out that you have fallen for the fiction that the most important thing about a woman’s appearance is how old she looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

+1 My younger sister looks much older than me and complains about it all the time, yet refuses to do anything to keep up with her peers. It is unfair, but that is how it is! I wish people wouldn't be unintentionally rude about it but there are a lot of oblivious people out there. You can easily change how you present yourself to the world but you can't change how rude the general public is.

But what you are saying is that in order to look one’s own age—that is, not to try to look “young”— the standard is now that you must get neurotoxins injected into your face. How did this become normalized

[Anonymous]

The commenters are the rude ones. You don't have to change to make rude people less rude.