Continually get asked if I’m my son’s grandmother

[Anonymous]

My wife was often asked if our oldest daughter was her sister.

You had kids too late I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are bothered by this because it triggered something in you: are you unhappy with how you look/present? Do you wish you could change that? I get being annoyed but you seem to imply this happens more than once.

No one wants to be called grandma…unless they are a great grandma. Get real.

The psycholodrama folks are trying to make this into us comical.

Np. Fact is op could be a grandma. Since hen is it an insult? Just laugh and say nope he is my son?

40 year olds are not commonly grandparents.

But 40 somethings certainly are. My parents were both in their 40s when I had my first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are bothered by this because it triggered something in you: are you unhappy with how you look/present? Do you wish you could change that? I get being annoyed but you seem to imply this happens more than once.

No one wants to be called grandma…unless they are a great grandma. Get real.

The psycholodrama folks are trying to make this into us comical.

Np. Fact is op could be a grandma. Since hen is it an insult? Just laugh and say nope he is my son?

40 year olds are not commonly grandparents.

But 40 somethings certainly are. My parents were both in their 40s when I had my first.

Are you LDS?

[Anonymous]

This discussion reminded me of this old NYT piece I always found interesting:

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2018/08/04/upshot/up-birth-age-gap.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are bothered by this because it triggered something in you: are you unhappy with how you look/present? Do you wish you could change that? I get being annoyed but you seem to imply this happens more than once.

No one wants to be called grandma…unless they are a great grandma. Get real.

The psycholodrama folks are trying to make this into us comical.

Np. Fact is op could be a grandma. Since hen is it an insult? Just laugh and say nope he is my son?

40 year olds are not commonly grandparents.

But 40 somethings certainly are. My parents were both in their 40s when I had my first.

Are you LDS?

I’m not that poster and I don’t know if she’s LDS, but I do know that you’re a bigot. There are plenty of grandparents in their 40s in this country. Plenty. Not everybody waits until they’re 100 before having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are bothered by this because it triggered something in you: are you unhappy with how you look/present? Do you wish you could change that? I get being annoyed but you seem to imply this happens more than once.

No one wants to be called grandma…unless they are a great grandma. Get real.

The psycholodrama folks are trying to make this into us comical.

Np. Fact is op could be a grandma. Since hen is it an insult? Just laugh and say nope he is my son?

40 year olds are not commonly grandparents.

But is looks older than the other person doesn't know. And it is possible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are bothered by this because it triggered something in you: are you unhappy with how you look/present? Do you wish you could change that? I get being annoyed but you seem to imply this happens more than once.

No one wants to be called grandma…unless they are a great grandma. Get real.

The psycholodrama folks are trying to make this into us comical.

Np. Fact is op could be a grandma. Since hen is it an insult? Just laugh and say nope he is my son?

40 year olds are not commonly grandparents.

But 40 somethings certainly are. My parents were both in their 40s when I had my first.

Are you LDS?

Yes, if they and their children both have kids under 24. Sure. That’s not the norm here though. And that’s not saying that you need to wait until you’re older but most people are in this waiting till later 20s.

I’m not that poster and I don’t know if she’s LDS, but I do know that you’re a bigot. There are plenty of grandparents in their 40s in this country. Plenty. Not everybody waits until they’re 100 before having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are bothered by this because it triggered something in you: are you unhappy with how you look/present? Do you wish you could change that? I get being annoyed but you seem to imply this happens more than once.

No one wants to be called grandma…unless they are a great grandma. Get real.

The psycholodrama folks are trying to make this into us comical.

Np. Fact is op could be a grandma. Since hen is it an insult? Just laugh and say nope he is my son?

40 year olds are not commonly grandparents.

But 40 somethings certainly are. My parents were both in their 40s when I had my first.

Are you LDS?

Yeah it couldn’t possibly be about the man who was barely paying attention. Instructing a well behaved child to not act up. Couldn’t possibly be more about him and his age.

I’m not that poster and I don’t know if she’s LDS, but I do know that you’re a bigot. There are plenty of grandparents in their 40s in this country. Plenty. Not everybody waits until they’re 100 before having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are bothered by this because it triggered something in you: are you unhappy with how you look/present? Do you wish you could change that? I get being annoyed but you seem to imply this happens more than once.

No one wants to be called grandma…unless they are a great grandma. Get real.

The psycholodrama folks are trying to make this into us comical.

Np. Fact is op could be a grandma. Since hen is it an insult? Just laugh and say nope he is my son?

40 year olds are not commonly grandparents.

But 40 somethings certainly are. My parents were both in their 40s when I had my first.

Are you LDS?

Presbyterian.

[Anonymous]

Guess what, you’re all gonna get old and your are gonna look it, if you’re lucky that is. Stop wasting your time and money and happiness over something that is an absolute gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Snerk. This happens EVERY time with my friends who choose to go gray. They don’t just make the choice, they make a huge freaking deal about how THEY are aging gracefully and celebrating their natural beauty and not conforming to the patriarchy and blah blah blah. It’s all talk until someone mistakes them for a grandma or whatever, and then they’re all distraught.

I was on vacation with a group of women, all in our 40s. One friend was mistaken as the tour guide at a landmark we were visiting, because “one of these things doesn’t look like the others.” She was so mad and went on and on.
.
The thing about aging gracefully is that you actually have to be graceful about it. The thing about not caring about conforming to society’s beauty standards is you actually have to not care.

Make your choice, but own it and practice what you preach.

This... my MIL has looked 60+ since she was in her 40s, mostly a combo of not dying her hair, getting a 'zero maintenance' super short haircut, and wearing zero makeup or skin care. If that's how you feel most comfortable that's awesome! But that's also not how a lot of women decide to look at that age so you can't be surprised if the assumption is that you are older.
I feel the same way if someone keeps their boy toddler's hair long and dresses them in gender neutral clothing... shouldn't be offended if someone assumes he is a girl.

Man some people find it really upsetting if women don’t conform. “Snerk” poster you arent fooling anyone with your dyed hair and fillers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Snerk. This happens EVERY time with my friends who choose to go gray. They don’t just make the choice, they make a huge freaking deal about how THEY are aging gracefully and celebrating their natural beauty and not conforming to the patriarchy and blah blah blah. It’s all talk until someone mistakes them for a grandma or whatever, and then they’re all distraught.

I was on vacation with a group of women, all in our 40s. One friend was mistaken as the tour guide at a landmark we were visiting, because “one of these things doesn’t look like the others.” She was so mad and went on and on.
.
The thing about aging gracefully is that you actually have to be graceful about it. The thing about not caring about conforming to society’s beauty standards is you actually have to not care.

Make your choice, but own it and practice what you preach.

This... my MIL has looked 60+ since she was in her 40s, mostly a combo of not dying her hair, getting a 'zero maintenance' super short haircut, and wearing zero makeup or skin care. If that's how you feel most comfortable that's awesome! But that's also not how a lot of women decide to look at that age so you can't be surprised if the assumption is that you are older.
I feel the same way if someone keeps their boy toddler's hair long and dresses them in gender neutral clothing... shouldn't be offended if someone assumes he is a girl.

Man some people find it really upsetting if women don’t conform. “Snerk” poster you arent fooling anyone with your dyed hair and fillers.

Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t do fillers. I don’t dye my hair. I’m 43 and luckily do not need to at this point. I haven’t even decided whether I will once the gray shows up. But here’s what I do know: whatever choices I make about what I will or will not do about my appearance? I will own those choices and live those choices. I won’t make a decision and then expect the entire world to celebrate or accept me—because it never will! The world hasn’t magically changed to become always-accepting of me when I decided to be a working mom, or when I decided to breastfeed and pump at work, or when I decided never to wear skinny jeans or other trends that don’t suit the body that I have accepted.

I already decided several years ago that I was done with high heels except for special occasions, and I was done with bras with underwire. And yes, if I worked super hard, I could lose the 20 pounds that any fashion designer would say I need to lose in order to look good/fit perfectly into their close. I’m sure I could do things that would help me conform to beauty and fashion standards that I don’t choose to do. And thus I don’t spend time staring at Vogue and wishing I were a size 2 with perfectly manicured nails and highlights in my hair and fillers in my face, because I’ve decided not to run that particular race. I make my choices and I live them. I don’t make my choices and then act like the entire world should applaud me all the time and treat me as if I AM a Vogue model.

[Anonymous]

*^^clothes, obviously

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

No, people can learn not to be rude and comment on your appearance, make assumptions etc.

j

Would it be rude to ask someone if they were sisters, etc.? No. They are being friendly. If you don’t want to look like a grandma, take basic care of your appearance.

I went white in my 30’s and didn’t dye my hair after the first few years. I had my son when I was 34, and have been taken for his grandmother more times than I can count - it happened all the time. It bothered me, yes, but I knew it was because of my hair. PP, I’d push back on “take basic care of your appearance.” I do and always have been clean, groomed, healthy. I don’t dye my hair. You are implying that if you don’t buy the bullshit that women have to look like eternally young Barbie dolls or they aren’t taking basic care of themselves. F that.

Nice try, but I said several times “it’s absolutely fine to do none of those things.” Sure, you can have good grooming and still choose to go gray. That’s fine. What you can’t be is bothered about it. You’re making a choice: own it. Don’t want to be bothered? Don’t go gray in your 30s.

If I were complaining and whining that no one took me seriously at work, and come to find out I was choosing to wear athleisure every day, your response would probably either be make a change, or stop complaining. Same to you!

NP. You're comparing apples to oranges. PP didn't CHOOSE to go gray. She is choosing not to dye her hair to hide it, but that's choosing not to take on a piece of maintenance that she should be able to have a choice on. CHOOSING to wear athleisure to an office is a choice - you have to put some clothes on, you're choosing very casual ones. You don't HAVE to dye your hair. That's just not a fair comparison and it belittles the issue of people going gray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

No, people can learn not to be rude and comment on your appearance, make assumptions etc.

j

Would it be rude to ask someone if they were sisters, etc.? No. They are being friendly. If you don’t want to look like a grandma, take basic care of your appearance.

People just shouldn’t make assumptions about the relationships between people, they often end up looking dumb. I babysit my best friend’s daughters frequently, and when we’re out and about I have had multiple people tell me how much they look like their mom (who they think is me). Sorry, nope! No relation.

+1

My brother was adopted when I was 9.5. People would often either assume that he was younger and I was older and he was somehow mine or they'd comment on how much we looked alike and how they could see the family resemblance. I never let any of it bother me - we'd just laugh about it, because who cares what these people that you don't know think? I guess that's the root of the issue here, OP - did it bother you because you don't like looking older? Because you're sensitive to the fact that you had your son at 40? Because you worry that he will always look slightly feminine and get bullied at school? I tend to think that when someone gets upset about something a stranger says, it's because there's a ring of truth to it and that truth hurts/bothers you in some way. So maybe dig deep and figure out what's bothering you and what you can do to either address/fix it or let it go.