Continually get asked if I’m my son’s grandmother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This just happened. My son (3y) and I are at a diner eating breakfast. The guests in front of us left and as they were leaving, struck up conversation with my son. He said he had a great-niece and said I had to ensure I do everything for her (misgendering my son). He said it a couple of times so it wasn’t an error. I didn’t correct - it happens often because he has soft features and my son didn’t hear it. If he had, I would have said something for my son’s sake.

Anyway, then he asked my son if I was his grandma and said he has to listen to Grandma and no pouting or complaining. To be clear, my son was eating his food and no tantrums at all, stayed in his seat the whole time eating his food so that was just a general comment. It’s just frustrating and happens enough that it makes me wonder if other people think it but don’t say it.

I’m 42, turning 43 this year. I get that I got an older start but it’s demoralizing to be assumed to be my son’s grandmother. I usually don’t correct the person bc that’s more embarrassing and I just want the conversation to end. Am I alone in this? Does it ever end?

Sounds like this person is from a different culture than you. Southern or maybe midwestern, and older. Probably comes from a "Children should be seen and not heard" mindset, and that couples get married and start having children in their late teens and early 20s.

[Anonymous]

OP, that’s annoying. But you should gently correct them. The embarrassment is then theirs, not yours. Dumb people need to be reminded to think before they speak and not assume.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People say and do dumb stuff, you gotta try not to let it stick. There’s nothing you can do.

Yes, like some people on this thread.

But seriously, OP, you are too sensitive. Misgendering your son? Both my son and my daughter were called the other gender by random strangers for years (try being a little girl with short hair). And I’m an older mom. I didn’t and don’t care. People are trying to be nice. Assume good intentions and you will be happier.

Or you can live to please others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, that’s annoying. But you should gently correct them. The embarrassment is then theirs, not yours. Dumb people need to be reminded to think before they speak and not assume.

Why would you want to embarrass people who probably are just making conversation? Do you really think they are trying to embarrass you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would gently correct, with a syrupy “aww, thanks, that’s my son, not my grandson. Have a nice day.” And then they can sputter…but maybe they’ll stop assuming.

This is the way.

[Anonymous]

Do you have white hair? People still have a really hard time with white hair on women, sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, that’s annoying. But you should gently correct them. The embarrassment is then theirs, not yours. Dumb people need to be reminded to think before they speak and not assume.

Why would you want to embarrass people who probably are just making conversation? Do you really think they are trying to embarrass you?

Why should OP be the one to suck it up? Maybe that person will get a clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

No, people can learn not to be rude and comment on your appearance, make assumptions etc.

j

Would it be rude to ask someone if they were sisters, etc.? No. They are being friendly. If you don’t want to look like a grandma, take basic care of your appearance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This just happened. My son (3y) and I are at a diner eating breakfast. The guests in front of us left and as they were leaving, struck up conversation with my son. He said he had a great-niece and said I had to ensure I do everything for her (misgendering my son). He said it a couple of times so it wasn’t an error. I didn’t correct - it happens often because he has soft features and my son didn’t hear it. If he had, I would have said something for my son’s sake.

Anyway, then he asked my son if I was his grandma and said he has to listen to Grandma and no pouting or complaining. To be clear, my son was eating his food and no tantrums at all, stayed in his seat the whole time eating his food so that was just a general comment. It’s just frustrating and happens enough that it makes me wonder if other people think it but don’t say it.

I’m 42, turning 43 this year. I get that I got an older start but it’s demoralizing to be assumed to be my son’s grandmother. I usually don’t correct the person bc that’s more embarrassing and I just want the conversation to end. Am I alone in this? Does it ever end?

So, what are you going to do about it? Apart from venting here?

[Anonymous]

Receive this virtual hug.

Hurt people try to hurt people.

Maybe the stranger was taking out their own insecurities on you.

Lift your head high and be glad you are healthy and have a healthy child.

Live. Love. Laugh.

Cause there are millions who wish they could be you, at any age.

[Anonymous]

If this happens as frequently as you state, you either need a good night sleep or a makeover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Do you have white hair? People still have a really hard time with white hair on women, sadly.

No one “has a hard time with it,” but yes, they will assume you are older than you are, perhaps. My 42-year-old friend chooses to have mostly gray hair. That’s’ fine—I think she looks fabulous. But she doesn’t get her back up when people make assumptions that she is a grandma or a nanny, because she chooses to not look as young as the other moms in our peer group. She gives a direct, “Nope, I’m their mom!” And moves on with her day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Receive this virtual hug.

Hurt people try to hurt people.

Maybe the stranger was taking out their own insecurities on you.

Lift your head high and be glad you are healthy and have a healthy child.

Live. Love. Laugh.

Cause there are millions who wish they could be you, at any age.

Wow, someone actually said Live Laugh Love on DCUM with a straight face! Yes, we definitely want to be the human equivalent of a Homegoods faux-weathered sign. We are jealous, as you say!

[Anonymous]

Pretend you are the grandmother and then you will be complimented for looking so young,,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are “embracing the gray” then you have to deal with this. If you don’t want to be viewed as older than you are, then sorry, you do need to dye your hair, pay attention to your clothing, and wear a little bit of makeup.

It’s absolutely fine not to do any of those things, but the trade-off is that you can’t complain and feel wounded when people assume you are older than you are. Because there are women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s who look much younger than you because they are taking these steps. Again, it’s fine not to, but if you’re going to take steps to look good, you’re going to look older than you are.

No, people can learn not to be rude and comment on your appearance, make assumptions etc.

j

Would it be rude to ask someone if they were sisters, etc.? No. They are being friendly. If you don’t want to look like a grandma, take basic care of your appearance.

I went white in my 30’s and didn’t dye my hair after the first few years. I had my son when I was 34, and have been taken for his grandmother more times than I can count - it happened all the time. It bothered me, yes, but I knew it was because of my hair. PP, I’d push back on “take basic care of your appearance.” I do and always have been clean, groomed, healthy. I don’t dye my hair. You are implying that if you don’t buy the bullshit that women have to look like eternally young Barbie dolls or they aren’t taking basic care of themselves. F that.