DH won't use any inheritance for a house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

Unnecessarily excessive crap
To make sure your kids turn out as rotten and spoiled as you . Could have a normal
House without wasting all the money and without seeming like a test. I legit would just divorce you

[Anonymous]

I think your DH should buy a house in his name only, draw up a lease with you and charge rent.

[Anonymous]

This may be the most awful thing I’ve read on DCUM in a long time. Please divorce your husband. He deserves much better than a soulless greedy wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I wonder if he truly intends to use this inheritance for his brother, or just doesn’t want to commingle it with you? Where is it parked right now?

This is what’s going on. DH is a child of divorce and he does not want to commingle his inheritance with you. Plain and simple.

He seems to have no trouble accepting funds from her parents to fund their lifestyle

She has to contribute some money somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is reasonable and I don't get why you all thinks she's mean. I would have assumed he was trying to protect the inheritance in case you divorce.

Because she clearly only cares about herself. Are you OP that you can't see that?

She cares about HER family, what are you talking about?

Because she wants them to have a bigger house? Ohboy.

Do you have any idea how expensive houses are on the West Coast? Clearly you don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents are so helpful, why don’t they help you with money for a house? Your husband’s concerns about his brother are very valid.

OP here. They have already helped us with the down payment on my current house. I could ask them for money from a trust for the next house, but because they are very fair people, they would also insist on making distributions of the same amount to my brothers. I don't really want them to do that--mainly because one brother has a serious gold digger wife who is also abusive and the infusions of cash over the years have only serve to keep her in the marriage.

OP, what's your plan for your BIL's care?

It’s not OP’s role to plan for BIL’s care. Her DH and MIL need to come up with something that would work for their family. Every single post on DCUM talking about IL issues always tell the poster to stay out of it and let the spouse and their family handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP.

Look at it this way. Since he refuses to commingle inherited assets, you can do the same with any more gifts and inheritances you receive in the future. So, in a way, his refusal could work to your advantage. You are just following his lead and not comingling.

I suggest you only use assets from the marriage to buy this new house. Of course, equity from your old house is partially a gift from your parents so that’s a bit annoying. But if your husband is asking you to get more money from your parents to fund a bigger house when he refuses to give up any of his inherited assets, that does sting.

Also, if you do commingle gifts and inheritances in the future, you could probably talk to a lawyer about drawing up paperwork making clear that, for example, equity you are putting into a house is not a marital asset and that you will get it back with interest if you divorce.

Do you work? Does he? Who makes more?

I second this approach. BTW, OP, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Would a post-nup help in this situation, too? You could state that anything you and your DH come into the marriage with will leave with you if it ends. This may put your DH at ease if he’s concerned about divorce, which he may be since that is what he saw from his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a parasite with all you take from others. What exactly is your plan for when your DH has to assume responsibility for the brother?

You sound extremely jealous.

[Anonymous]

To the OP: this money is not yours. Repeat, this money is not yours.

Your husband has likely suffered great personal trauma through his brothers schizophrenia. You must acknowledge that a burden like that is shared by the family. Please, allow him the peace of mind for caring for his brother. The care could be 100k per year if the brothers needs an institution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents are so helpful, why don’t they help you with money for a house? Your husband’s concerns about his brother are very valid.

OP here. They have already helped us with the down payment on my current house. I could ask them for money from a trust for the next house, but because they are very fair people, they would also insist on making distributions of the same amount to my brothers. I don't really want them to do that--mainly because one brother has a serious gold digger wife who is also abusive and the infusions of cash over the years have only serve to keep her in the marriage.

OP, what's your plan for your BIL's care?

It’s not OP’s role to plan for BIL’s care. Her DH and MIL need to come up with something that would work for their family. Every single post on DCUM talking about IL issues always tell the poster to stay out of it and let the spouse and their family handle it.

Yeah, the husband is handling it by not commingling the marital assets. He seems to know what he is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents are so helpful, why don’t they help you with money for a house? Your husband’s concerns about his brother are very valid.

OP here. They have already helped us with the down payment on my current house. I could ask them for money from a trust for the next house, but because they are very fair people, they would also insist on making distributions of the same amount to my brothers. I don't really want them to do that--mainly because one brother has a serious gold digger wife who is also abusive and the infusions of cash over the years have only serve to keep her in the marriage.

OP, what's your plan for your BIL's care?

It’s not OP’s role to plan for BIL’s care. Her DH and MIL need to come up with something that would work for their family. Every single post on DCUM talking about IL issues always tell the poster to stay out of it and let the spouse and their family handle it.

Yeah, the husband is handling it by not commingling the marital assets. He seems to know what he is doing.

And I think OP should do the same. Every single poster who has blasted OP for having family wealth would happily trade places with her in a second to have the financial assistance she does. I’m surprised at how vitriolic this thread is towards OP when there are numerous threads on DCUM of people who are flat out EXHAUSTED from trying to work FT, take care of kids, and concerned about underfunded 529s.

Not sure if OP is in the DMV, but houses in places like SF or LA are way more expensive than your Toll Brothers McMansion in Loudon County. You’re looking at $2M for a 3 BR ranch that people on DCUM commonly refer to as a crapshack.

Meetings with a therapist and financial planner are critical here. If your DH still insists on keeping his inheritance separate after that, well, you have your answer OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents are so helpful, why don’t they help you with money for a house? Your husband’s concerns about his brother are very valid.

OP here. They have already helped us with the down payment on my current house. I could ask them for money from a trust for the next house, but because they are very fair people, they would also insist on making distributions of the same amount to my brothers. I don't really want them to do that--mainly because one brother has a serious gold digger wife who is also abusive and the infusions of cash over the years have only serve to keep her in the marriage.

OP, what's your plan for your BIL's care?

It’s not OP’s role to plan for BIL’s care. Her DH and MIL need to come up with something that would work for their family. Every single post on DCUM talking about IL issues always tell the poster to stay out of it and let the spouse and their family handle it.

Yeah, the husband is handling it by not commingling the marital assets. He seems to know what he is doing.

And I think OP should do the same. Every single poster who has blasted OP for having family wealth would happily trade places with her in a second to have the financial assistance she does. I’m surprised at how vitriolic this thread is towards OP when there are numerous threads on DCUM of people who are flat out EXHAUSTED from trying to work FT, take care of kids, and concerned about underfunded 529s.

Not sure if OP is in the DMV, but houses in places like SF or LA are way more expensive than your Toll Brothers McMansion in Loudon County. You’re looking at $2M for a 3 BR ranch that people on DCUM commonly refer to as a crapshack.

Meetings with a therapist and financial planner are critical here. If your DH still insists on keeping his inheritance separate after that, well, you have your answer OP.

I have a sibling with schizophrenia so I understand your DH’s anxiety about having enough money to support his brother. I also have a child with a severe brain disorder so you should keep in mind that your children might not go unscathed. DH’s mother should be setting up a special needs trust for BIL and make your DH the co-trustee with her. BIL can easily blow through the inheritance from FIL. You should keep your inheritance from your parents as separate marital property as your DH has done.

[Anonymous]

OP's husband should protect his assets. I see a divorce in the horizon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP.

Look at it this way. Since he refuses to commingle inherited assets, you can do the same with any more gifts and inheritances you receive in the future. So, in a way, his refusal could work to your advantage. You are just following his lead and not comingling.

I suggest you only use assets from the marriage to buy this new house. Of course, equity from your old house is partially a gift from your parents so that’s a bit annoying. But if your husband is asking you to get more money from your parents to fund a bigger house when he refuses to give up any of his inherited assets, that does sting.

Also, if you do commingle gifts and inheritances in the future, you could probably talk to a lawyer about drawing up paperwork making clear that, for example, equity you are putting into a house is not a marital asset and that you will get it back with interest if you divorce.

Do you work? Does he? Who makes more?

I second this approach. BTW, OP, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Would a post-nup help in this situation, too? You could state that anything you and your DH come into the marriage with will leave with you if it ends. This may put your DH at ease if he’s concerned about divorce, which he may be since that is what he saw from his parents.

What makes you think the DH actually wants a bigger house or would be willing to sign that post-nup? Based on OP's input, I don't think DH has ever brought up divorce, it's just speculation from other jaded DCUM spouses on here. If OP goes to DH with a post-nup, wouldn't that be seeding the thought of divorce in his mind? Is that what she wants? IMHO, that would be a bridge too far.. probably make DH even more paranoid about money and only make things worse.

It's best for OP to encourage DH to see a financial planner and maybe a therapist and let him decide what's best. I do agree that should should have a say in marital savings, just not the inheritance.

[Anonymous]

wow, my family is almost in the same boat as your husband right down to the mentally ill sibling with the same condition (nonetheless very very highly educated, not that that matters now).
we are about to use the inheritance to buy a house -- but there still arent any reasonably priced that we like. my sibling has received an equal amount but im similarly worried it will drain away.