DH won't use any inheritance for a house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

OP. Assuming this info. you are adding here is true, you could have led with this in your original post. You led with your husband's inheritance and special needs brother and of course everyone is jumping on you as heartless.

You have every right to your joint savings, regardless of whether or not your parents contributed anything to your needs. A discussion with a financial advisor and potentially a therapist for your husband may be in order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.

Could be...I am an SN parent and would cut out this woman in a minute.

You are a special needs parent--not a sibling. There have been comments from several SN siblings and their responses have been very helpful as they understand the burden that this is. To pretend that they are saints and it's not a tremendous burden is just BS. Siblings do not carry the same responsibility as parents do.

+100. Parents should never burden their healthy children with the responsibility for their siblings. They have their own lives to live (and being the healthy child in a family with a sibling with a mental illness comes with a lot of sadness and trauma.) Parents, likes OPs DHs parents, who refuse to see what is going on and don't make a reasonable plan, are guilty of a huge dereliction of duty.

So who should be burdened with responsibility for the SN sibling once the parents are gone? Because I know what choice I would make if it was between dignified care for my spouse’s sibling and a bigger/fancier house for me.

Let's be clear, this brother isn't SN, he's a drug addict. You don't want that anywhere near your home or marriage.

He goes to a fine treatment in patient facility as many times as he needs to to get sober.

I’m not sure about being addict, but he’s a violent schizophrenic so not someone I’d put my life savings to personally…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is a selfish and greedy wife. She is showing no compassion for her mentally ill BIL.
She doesn't work. She's dependent on parents' money. It's because she doesn't contribute anything to the HHI that the husband wants her to at least use the gifts she gets from her parents. to pay for household expenses.

12 pages and still the same opinions as the first few responses. OP sucks.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't the brother have his own inheritance from Dad and I am sure will get some $$ from Mom when she dies, correct?

[Anonymous]

OP, I have posted a few times and been not very kind. I do think you’re extraordinarily privileged, but I also think your husband is acting out of fear and refusing to force these very necessary conversations with his mom. Even without his mom’s participation, I think it would be both empowering and grounding for him to discuss and research options for his brother and his brother’s inheritance given the current state of affairs.

He needs to take action, not continue to hoard money passively and fret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I wonder if he truly intends to use this inheritance for his brother, or just doesn’t want to commingle it with you? Where is it parked right now?

This is what’s going on. DH is a child of divorce and he does not want to commingle his inheritance with you. Plain and simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

OP. Assuming this info. you are adding here is true, you could have led with this in your original post. You led with your husband's inheritance and special needs brother and of course everyone is jumping on you as heartless.

You have every right to your joint savings, regardless of whether or not your parents contributed anything to your needs. A discussion with a financial advisor and potentially a therapist for your husband may be in order.

I agree that a financial advisor and therapist and/or financial therapist would help you and your husband to sort out your financial situation. I understand your frustration with commingling the money your parents have given you in order to improve your family's situation (something your husband benefitted from). I think you're completely reasonable and the commenters giving you a hard time are probably just jealous. People on here love to pretend to be scandalized when they are jealous or annoyed. It's so typical.

[Anonymous]

I am not in the least bit jealous of the OP and I think that she is overprivileged and soulless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I wonder if he truly intends to use this inheritance for his brother, or just doesn’t want to commingle it with you? Where is it parked right now?

This is what’s going on. DH is a child of divorce and he does not want to commingle his inheritance with you. Plain and simple.

This is my take, exactly. Discussion of DH's brother got everyone worked up, but I'd wager it is more about DH not wanting to comingle his inheritance with OP, given that OP already said DH's brother got money from one parent and will get more from another parent. OP is perfectly reasonable in wanting to use all their marital savings on a house with a yard that can fit a small playset and sandbox. OP should stop comingling gifts from her parents now that she knows what is going on. And part of me thinks OP would be happier if she gets a hobby job to earn some of her own money, but that is my personal bias coming out.

[Anonymous]

OP, i really feel for your husband. you are in a position now where you can really help him.

I'm the one in the same situation. I can't stress enough how utterly life changing it was for me to finally go to therapy in my 40s. it led me to a LOT of clarity about my family dysfunction, about my trauma in growing up/being an adult with a violently mentally ill brother, and about how my parents skewed perspective about how to "care" for him (putting their heads in the sand and pouring money on the situation) did not need to be my perspective. My therapist was actually shocked that I was a functioning adult and only entering therapy in my 40s.

Therapy gave me the tools to know how to have the needed conversations with my mother stating what I would and would not do, which led her to do a lot of smart things (set up a trust, arrange her will to provide housing for him etc).

I just know your husband is probably a lot like me. Please encourage him to get help -- he can heal from his trauma and start making practical moves to hlep himself, his brother, his mom and also you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I wonder if he truly intends to use this inheritance for his brother, or just doesn’t want to commingle it with you? Where is it parked right now?

This is what’s going on. DH is a child of divorce and he does not want to commingle his inheritance with you. Plain and simple.

He seems to have no trouble accepting funds from her parents to fund their lifestyle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.

Could be...I am an SN parent and would cut out this woman in a minute.

You are a special needs parent--not a sibling. There have been comments from several SN siblings and their responses have been very helpful as they understand the burden that this is. To pretend that they are saints and it's not a tremendous burden is just BS. Siblings do not carry the same responsibility as parents do.

+100. Parents should never burden their healthy children with the responsibility for their siblings. They have their own lives to live (and being the healthy child in a family with a sibling with a mental illness comes with a lot of sadness and trauma.) Parents, likes OPs DHs parents, who refuse to see what is going on and don't make a reasonable plan, are guilty of a huge dereliction of duty.

So who should be burdened with responsibility for the SN sibling once the parents are gone? Because I know what choice I would make if it was between dignified care for my spouse’s sibling and a bigger/fancier house for me.

Let's be clear, this brother isn't SN, he's a drug addict. You don't want that anywhere near your home or marriage.

He goes to a fine treatment in patient facility as many times as he needs to to get sober.

I’m not sure about being addict, but he’s a violent schizophrenic so not someone I’d put my life savings to personally…

“Mentally ill relatives should die in the gutter” isn’t a good look.

[Anonymous]

Husband may have legit concerns around his brother, acknowledges he has some responsibility to take care of him but clearly doesn't want him around his family (currently lives with his mother so that seems justified). So he has a logical, conservative strategy that he is using to protect his family from a bad situation. Maybe you should start with 'I'm so happy we have options where his brother won't have to live with us' as opposed to your current spot.

Some on this board immediately assume he is hiding assets, preparing for divorce etc which says more about those posters than it does about OP.

As far as OP goes, the idea of holding your own gifts over his head as some sort of leverage is really deplorable. It's not supposed to be a contest. You both are lucky to find yourself in this situation. I don't catch even a glimpse of gratitude in your post, you are too busy keeping score and trying to grab more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I wonder if he truly intends to use this inheritance for his brother, or just doesn’t want to commingle it with you? Where is it parked right now?

This is what’s going on. DH is a child of divorce and he does not want to commingle his inheritance with you. Plain and simple.

He seems to have no trouble accepting funds from her parents to fund their lifestyle

There is no evidence of this, let’s see DW propose using the money for herself or save it and then get his response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.

Could be...I am an SN parent and would cut out this woman in a minute.

You are a special needs parent--not a sibling. There have been comments from several SN siblings and their responses have been very helpful as they understand the burden that this is. To pretend that they are saints and it's not a tremendous burden is just BS. Siblings do not carry the same responsibility as parents do.

+100. Parents should never burden their healthy children with the responsibility for their siblings. They have their own lives to live (and being the healthy child in a family with a sibling with a mental illness comes with a lot of sadness and trauma.) Parents, likes OPs DHs parents, who refuse to see what is going on and don't make a reasonable plan, are guilty of a huge dereliction of duty.

So who should be burdened with responsibility for the SN sibling once the parents are gone? Because I know what choice I would make if it was between dignified care for my spouse’s sibling and a bigger/fancier house for me.

Let's be clear, this brother isn't SN, he's a drug addict. You don't want that anywhere near your home or marriage.

He goes to a fine treatment in patient facility as many times as he needs to to get sober.

I’m not sure about being addict, but he’s a violent schizophrenic so not someone I’d put my life savings to personally…

“Mentally ill relatives should die in the gutter” isn’t a good look.

Knock it off. Seriously I posted upthread that I am in OP’s husband’s shoes. He is no better than she is, sitting by passively and only being willing to throw money at the issue. He isn’t a good brother. If OP said he tried to help repeated over the years and failed, that would be one thing, but it sounds like he wants to keep his brother at arms length, both now and in the future.

Again, under-medicating a schizophrenic is incredibly dangerous.