DH won't use any inheritance for a house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.

Could be...I am an SN parent and would cut out this woman in a minute.

Yeah, feeling cloudy too because I think her husband should leave her at the front door of her mommy and daddy's house and never return.

[Anonymous]

OP your first mistake was throwing away your own parents' gifts on private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

OP. Assuming this info. you are adding here is true, you could have led with this in your original post. You led with your husband's inheritance and special needs brother and of course everyone is jumping on you as heartless.

You have every right to your joint savings, regardless of whether or not your parents contributed anything to your needs. A discussion with a financial advisor and potentially a therapist for your husband may be in order.

That’s what I said! The inheritance from FIL is a total red herring. The fact is her DH is effectively using the money from her parents to fund his brother’s care. That is not cool.

OP you should ask to delete this thread and re-post with this info if you want helpful advice because your current post, as written, comes off really badly and is why people are still jumping all over you. That is, if you are not a troll.

+100. The fact is that OP’s parents helped and that it benefited the whole family. The husband should at least invest back in family from inheritance what the wife’s family provided valued in current dollars. The rest he can keep for his brother (if that is really the reason). The discussion about brother is another whole important discussion to be had.

I can’t believe OP has gotten so much hate in this post. I can see why OP would feel resentful given the husband doesn’t want to reciprocate in kind.

He's been working and supporting their entire family. Gimme a break.

To be clear, I don't believe in this kind of bean counting. But if you want to do it, OP will lose, based on what she's posted so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents are so helpful, why don’t they help you with money for a house? Your husband’s concerns about his brother are very valid.

OP here. They have already helped us with the down payment on my current house. I could ask them for money from a trust for the next house, but because they are very fair people, they would also insist on making distributions of the same amount to my brothers. I don't really want them to do that--mainly because one brother has a serious gold digger wife who is also abusive and the infusions of cash over the years have only serve to keep her in the marriage.

OP, what's your plan for your BIL's care?

It’s not OP’s role to plan for BIL’s care. Her DH and MIL need to come up with something that would work for their family. Every single post on DCUM talking about IL issues always tell the poster to stay out of it and let the spouse and their family handle it.

Hey, here's an idea. How about her DH saves some money he inherited, that is his separate property, in case it's needed for his brother's care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your first mistake was throwing away your own parents' gifts on private school.

That's not how it works. Grandparents pay the tuition directly to the school. If they gave the $ directly to their kids to use to pay the grandchildren's school then it would be could be considered a taxable gift. This is estate planning 101.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your parents are so helpful, why don’t they help you with money for a house? Your husband’s concerns about his brother are very valid.

Can you read? They've already done that.

I agree that it is reasonable to expect some of that will help with family expenses. If he was really concerned about his brother, he'd come up with a plan (e.g., XX to use for family expenses, XXX put in a fund to grow and benefit his brother AND a conversation with the mother about his brother). Instead, he's making the decision without considering his family. He can do whatever he wants but I'd be pissed too. And questioning his priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

Unnecessarily excessive crap
To make sure your kids turn out as rotten and spoiled as you . Could have a normal
House without wasting all the money and without seeming like a test. I legit would just divorce you

A sandbox and swingset and rec room is pretty standard. What planet are you on?
Your bigger problem is that your DH seems to think he controls your JOINT finances and that is a HUUUUUGE red flag. You need to talk to your DH about compromise about your money. Or start making an exit plan. For me, that is controlling and manipulative and would not fly.

[Anonymous]

Hey, op tell us how much money you have saved and how much equity is in your current house. Tell us the price of house your husband wants and what you want. Then we will let you know who is being more reasonable. If this was already discussed sorry didn't want to read over so many posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

Unnecessarily excessive crap
To make sure your kids turn out as rotten and spoiled as you . Could have a normal
House without wasting all the money and without seeming like a test. I legit would just divorce you

A sandbox and swingset and rec room is pretty standard. What planet are you on?
Your bigger problem is that your DH seems to think he controls your JOINT finances and that is a HUUUUUGE red flag. You need to talk to your DH about compromise about your money. Or start making an exit plan. For me, that is controlling and manipulative and would not fly.

I don’t know if anyone who had a sandbox. I know of a couple who had a swing set and after a few years, couldn’t wait to get rid of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, op tell us how much money you have saved and how much equity is in your current house. Tell us the price of house your husband wants and what you want. Then we will let you know who is being more reasonable. If this was already discussed sorry didn't want to read over so many posts.

OP has not shared any dollar amounts except the annual gift from her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

OP. Assuming this info. you are adding here is true, you could have led with this in your original post. You led with your husband's inheritance and special needs brother and of course everyone is jumping on you as heartless.

You have every right to your joint savings, regardless of whether or not your parents contributed anything to your needs. A discussion with a financial advisor and potentially a therapist for your husband may be in order.

That’s what I said! The inheritance from FIL is a total red herring. The fact is her DH is effectively using the money from her parents to fund his brother’s care. That is not cool.

OP you should ask to delete this thread and re-post with this info if you want helpful advice because your current post, as written, comes off really badly and is why people are still jumping all over you. That is, if you are not a troll.

+100. The fact is that OP’s parents helped and that it benefited the whole family. The husband should at least invest back in family from inheritance what the wife’s family provided valued in current dollars. The rest he can keep for his brother (if that is really the reason). The discussion about brother is another whole important discussion to be had.

I can’t believe OP has gotten so much hate in this post. I can see why OP would feel resentful given the husband doesn’t want to reciprocate in kind.

He's been working and supporting their entire family. Gimme a break.

To be clear, I don't believe in this kind of bean counting. But if you want to do it, OP will lose, based on what she's posted so far.

So what if the husband has been supporting the family. It’s a joint decision that is made to benefit the family. Again, the wife does things to benefit the family just as her husbad does. On top of that, the wife’s family also contributed to the benefit of the whole family. The husband can contribute at least some for the betterment of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey, op tell us how much money you have saved and how much equity is in your current house. Tell us the price of house your husband wants and what you want. Then we will let you know who is being more reasonable. If this was already discussed sorry didn't want to read over so many posts.

OP has not shared any dollar amounts except the annual gift from her parents.

We also need to know hhi after the move. Come on post it. Then we can determine if the your dh needs some type of therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.

Could be...I am an SN parent and would cut out this woman in a minute.

Yeah, feeling cloudy too because I think her husband should leave her at the front door of her mommy and daddy's house and never return.

I'm also a SN parent. MIL is in denial so it's likely there are no necessary arrangements. The real problem is the MIL's denial and the OP DH going along with it. At 80 the MIL could end up in assisted living or a next level of care skilled nursing facility.

Assume OP has kids. All DH inheritance benefits BIL not his children. Better to have less % to the DH and controls on the BIL portion. Meanwhile from the OP it sounds like BIL can't work so maybe he gets social security off the GF and MIL gets a spousal or her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents are so helpful, why don’t they help you with money for a house? Your husband’s concerns about his brother are very valid.

Can you read? They've already done that.

I agree that it is reasonable to expect some of that will help with family expenses. If he was really concerned about his brother, he'd come up with a plan (e.g., XX to use for family expenses, XXX put in a fund to grow and benefit his brother AND a conversation with the mother about his brother). Instead, he's making the decision without considering his family. He can do whatever he wants but I'd be pissed too. And questioning his priorities.

How about OP gets a job and also contribute something to the HHI, instead of counting on other people’s money? She’s counting on her parents money. Now she wants her in-laws money. She should be ashamed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

OP. Assuming this info. you are adding here is true, you could have led with this in your original post. You led with your husband's inheritance and special needs brother and of course everyone is jumping on you as heartless.

You have every right to your joint savings, regardless of whether or not your parents contributed anything to your needs. A discussion with a financial advisor and potentially a therapist for your husband may be in order.

That’s what I said! The inheritance from FIL is a total red herring. The fact is her DH is effectively using the money from her parents to fund his brother’s care. That is not cool.

OP you should ask to delete this thread and re-post with this info if you want helpful advice because your current post, as written, comes off really badly and is why people are still jumping all over you. That is, if you are not a troll.

+100. The fact is that OP’s parents helped and that it benefited the whole family. The husband should at least invest back in family from inheritance what the wife’s family provided valued in current dollars. The rest he can keep for his brother (if that is really the reason). The discussion about brother is another whole important discussion to be had.

I can’t believe OP has gotten so much hate in this post. I can see why OP would feel resentful given the husband doesn’t want to reciprocate in kind.

He's been working and supporting their entire family. Gimme a break.

To be clear, I don't believe in this kind of bean counting. But if you want to do it, OP will lose, based on what she's posted so far.

So what if the husband has been supporting the family. It’s a joint decision that is made to benefit the family. Again, the wife does things to benefit the family just as her husbad does. On top of that, the wife’s family also contributed to the benefit of the whole family. The husband can contribute at least some for the betterment of the family.

The husband already contributes to support the family. He works and put food on the table. She doesn’t.
He knows the time will come when he will need to support his mentally ill brother and he’s putting money aside to do that. That’s his plan.