DH won't use any inheritance for a house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

OP. Assuming this info. you are adding here is true, you could have led with this in your original post. You led with your husband's inheritance and special needs brother and of course everyone is jumping on you as heartless.

You have every right to your joint savings, regardless of whether or not your parents contributed anything to your needs. A discussion with a financial advisor and potentially a therapist for your husband may be in order.

That’s what I said! The inheritance from FIL is a total red herring. The fact is her DH is effectively using the money from her parents to fund his brother’s care. That is not cool.

OP you should ask to delete this thread and re-post with this info if you want helpful advice because your current post, as written, comes off really badly and is why people are still jumping all over you. That is, if you are not a troll.

+100. The fact is that OP’s parents helped and that it benefited the whole family. The husband should at least invest back in family from inheritance what the wife’s family provided valued in current dollars. The rest he can keep for his brother (if that is really the reason). The discussion about brother is another whole important discussion to be had.

I can’t believe OP has gotten so much hate in this post. I can see why OP would feel resentful given the husband doesn’t want to reciprocate in kind.

He's been working and supporting their entire family. Gimme a break.

To be clear, I don't believe in this kind of bean counting. But if you want to do it, OP will lose, based on what she's posted so far.

So what if the husband has been supporting the family. It’s a joint decision that is made to benefit the family. Again, the wife does things to benefit the family just as her husbad does. On top of that, the wife’s family also contributed to the benefit of the whole family. The husband can contribute at least some for the betterment of the family.

The husband already contributes to support the family. He works and put food on the table. She doesn’t.
He knows the time will come when he will need to support his mentally ill brother and he’s putting money aside to do that. That’s his plan. [/quote

But it sounds like he doesnt want to spend any of their "large" savings for new downpayment. Im ok with him keeping his inheritence as backup for brother but why not use some of savings for new house instead of only equity of old house. The hhi and savings amounts do matter as do the prices of houses they are considering.]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

OP. Assuming this info. you are adding here is true, you could have led with this in your original post. You led with your husband's inheritance and special needs brother and of course everyone is jumping on you as heartless.

You have every right to your joint savings, regardless of whether or not your parents contributed anything to your needs. A discussion with a financial advisor and potentially a therapist for your husband may be in order.

That’s what I said! The inheritance from FIL is a total red herring. The fact is her DH is effectively using the money from her parents to fund his brother’s care. That is not cool.

OP you should ask to delete this thread and re-post with this info if you want helpful advice because your current post, as written, comes off really badly and is why people are still jumping all over you. That is, if you are not a troll.

+100. The fact is that OP’s parents helped and that it benefited the whole family. The husband should at least invest back in family from inheritance what the wife’s family provided valued in current dollars. The rest he can keep for his brother (if that is really the reason). The discussion about brother is another whole important discussion to be had.

I can’t believe OP has gotten so much hate in this post. I can see why OP would feel resentful given the husband doesn’t want to reciprocate in kind.

He's been working and supporting their entire family. Gimme a break.

To be clear, I don't believe in this kind of bean counting. But if you want to do it, OP will lose, based on what she's posted so far.

So what if the husband has been supporting the family. It’s a joint decision that is made to benefit the family. Again, the wife does things to benefit the family just as her husbad does. On top of that, the wife’s family also contributed to the benefit of the whole family. The husband can contribute at least some for the betterment of the family.

The husband already contributes to support the family. He works and put food on the table. She doesn’t.
He knows the time will come when he will need to support his mentally ill brother and he’s putting money aside to do that. That’s his plan. [/quote

But it sounds like he doesnt want to spend any of their "large" savings for new downpayment. Im ok with him keeping his inheritence as backup for brother but why not use some of savings for new house instead of only equity of old house. The hhi and savings amounts do matter as do the prices of houses they are considering.]

What about this OP makes you think she has any idea about anything to do with money, including what “large savings” are?

Let’s recap. She doesn’t work. Her husband makes a large salary. He seems to be more fiscally conservative than she is. She seems to feel totally ok with everyone else (her husband, her parents, her in-laws, her gold digger sister-in-law, her mentally ill BIL) change their behavior so she can spend on her wants. He may have said “this is what we can afford. I want to keep growing our savings for college/retirement/vacations/my brother’s care.” She heard “you can’t spend more money because of my brother”. I hear what some posters are saying and he may be burying his head in the sand about what he needs to do for his brother and his mother. I would hope that his wife - his partner in life - would help him through this without putting her wants for more stuff into the mix. She sounds whiny, entitled, exhausting, and headed for a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, op tell us how much money you have saved and how much equity is in your current house. Tell us the price of house your husband wants and what you want. Then we will let you know who is being more reasonable. If this was already discussed sorry didn't want to read over so many posts.

Pretty interesting that OP has never provided this info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

OP. Assuming this info. you are adding here is true, you could have led with this in your original post. You led with your husband's inheritance and special needs brother and of course everyone is jumping on you as heartless.

You have every right to your joint savings, regardless of whether or not your parents contributed anything to your needs. A discussion with a financial advisor and potentially a therapist for your husband may be in order.

That’s what I said! The inheritance from FIL is a total red herring. The fact is her DH is effectively using the money from her parents to fund his brother’s care. That is not cool.

OP you should ask to delete this thread and re-post with this info if you want helpful advice because your current post, as written, comes off really badly and is why people are still jumping all over you. That is, if you are not a troll.

+100. The fact is that OP’s parents helped and that it benefited the whole family. The husband should at least invest back in family from inheritance what the wife’s family provided valued in current dollars. The rest he can keep for his brother (if that is really the reason). The discussion about brother is another whole important discussion to be had.

I can’t believe OP has gotten so much hate in this post. I can see why OP would feel resentful given the husband doesn’t want to reciprocate in kind.

He's been working and supporting their entire family. Gimme a break.

To be clear, I don't believe in this kind of bean counting. But if you want to do it, OP will lose, based on what she's posted so far.

So what if the husband has been supporting the family. It’s a joint decision that is made to benefit the family. Again, the wife does things to benefit the family just as her husbad does. On top of that, the wife’s family also contributed to the benefit of the whole family. The husband can contribute at least some for the betterment of the family.

No. OP doesn't work. Her husband is the bread winner. He likely contributes exponentially more than the 25-50k/year or whatever OP receives from mommy and daddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

OP. Assuming this info. you are adding here is true, you could have led with this in your original post. You led with your husband's inheritance and special needs brother and of course everyone is jumping on you as heartless.

You have every right to your joint savings, regardless of whether or not your parents contributed anything to your needs. A discussion with a financial advisor and potentially a therapist for your husband may be in order.

That’s what I said! The inheritance from FIL is a total red herring. The fact is her DH is effectively using the money from her parents to fund his brother’s care. That is not cool.

OP you should ask to delete this thread and re-post with this info if you want helpful advice because your current post, as written, comes off really badly and is why people are still jumping all over you. That is, if you are not a troll.

+100. The fact is that OP’s parents helped and that it benefited the whole family. The husband should at least invest back in family from inheritance what the wife’s family provided valued in current dollars. The rest he can keep for his brother (if that is really the reason). The discussion about brother is another whole important discussion to be had.

I can’t believe OP has gotten so much hate in this post. I can see why OP would feel resentful given the husband doesn’t want to reciprocate in kind.

He's been working and supporting their entire family. Gimme a break.

To be clear, I don't believe in this kind of bean counting. But if you want to do it, OP will lose, based on what she's posted so far.

So what if the husband has been supporting the family. It’s a joint decision that is made to benefit the family. Again, the wife does things to benefit the family just as her husbad does. On top of that, the wife’s family also contributed to the benefit of the whole family. The husband can contribute at least some for the betterment of the family.

So husband brings home the primary income - its joint to benefit the family. Contributing her parents money - that’s not joint? He at least has a reason for not commingling - his brother.

[Anonymous]

I agree that OP’s husband is reasonable and that OP is heartless.

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound nuts and narcissistic. Why do you care about his money for your comfort? Get a smaller house or in a different suburb. His inheritance has nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

OP. Assuming this info. you are adding here is true, you could have led with this in your original post. You led with your husband's inheritance and special needs brother and of course everyone is jumping on you as heartless.

You have every right to your joint savings, regardless of whether or not your parents contributed anything to your needs. A discussion with a financial advisor and potentially a therapist for your husband may be in order.

That’s what I said! The inheritance from FIL is a total red herring. The fact is her DH is effectively using the money from her parents to fund his brother’s care. That is not cool.

OP you should ask to delete this thread and re-post with this info if you want helpful advice because your current post, as written, comes off really badly and is why people are still jumping all over you. That is, if you are not a troll.

+100. The fact is that OP’s parents helped and that it benefited the whole family. The husband should at least invest back in family from inheritance what the wife’s family provided valued in current dollars. The rest he can keep for his brother (if that is really the reason). The discussion about brother is another whole important discussion to be had.

I can’t believe OP has gotten so much hate in this post. I can see why OP would feel resentful given the husband doesn’t want to reciprocate in kind.

He's been working and supporting their entire family. Gimme a break.

To be clear, I don't believe in this kind of bean counting. But if you want to do it, OP will lose, based on what she's posted so far.

So what if the husband has been supporting the family. It’s a joint decision that is made to benefit the family. Again, the wife does things to benefit the family just as her husbad does. On top of that, the wife’s family also contributed to the benefit of the whole family. The husband can contribute at least some for the betterment of the family.

So husband brings home the primary income - its joint to benefit the family. Contributing her parents money - that’s not joint? He at least has a reason for not commingling - his brother.

or may be OP's husband knows her better and he has a reason to not commingle.