Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is this weird obsession with telling his family? Is this even real?

Please read the thread more carefully. All the OP said was that she needs to talk to someone for emotional support and one person she suggested was her SIL -- her DH's brother's wife -- who is the OP's close friend.

OP is NOT talking about "telling his family" like it's some big announcement. She was just, very early in the thread, thinking about who should be a sounding board because she needs to vent and get emotional in ways she can't with her DH. She may or may not confide in the SIL, we don't know.

But there is NO "weird obsession with telling his family" on OP's part at all. Some PPs are misconstruing things and waffling on about supposedly telling his family. OP just wants a close friend to talk with and some of us were advising her that anyone in either family, hers or his, might not be the appropriate sounding board at this point.

[Anonymous]

In summary, perhaps: there are LOTS of us who have been through this. It is a major trauma and should be treated as such. There are so many gray areas that will determine what the right decision is - there is no right answer and you have to balance all the facts. Don’t make any quick decisions and be careful who you tell because people have STRONG feelings on this and you need to be allowed the space to make the right decision for you and to move on to healing. And finally, sometimes you make what feels like the right decision and then later, it changes. Such is life. Take care, OP. We’re rooting for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

Sexting is not simply texting. If you actually understand what sexting is, and you’re fine staying with a spouse who would do that with other women, go for it. I could never, personally.

I didn’t say I was fine with it. There’s a lot of space between being okay with it and blowing up your life over it.

For me, the cheating itself would be the “blowing up my life” part of it. Trying to continue in a marriage with someone who I could never fully trust or love again would be like a slow death.

But people have different sorts of marriages, so YMMV.

I don’t think this is a helpful contribution to the discussion, especially when you imply that people who decide to stay and repair the marriage just have lower standards or are somehow ok with a “slow death.”

I have no dog in this fight, thankfully, but from what I have read a lot of people come out of infidelity with stronger marriages. It’s not a black and white issue.

I’m talking about what I am willing to put up with in a marriage. For me, it would be torture to stay in a marriage like that. Again, YMMV.

Similarly, I don’t think it’s a helpful contribution to imply that people “come out of infidelity with stronger marriages”. But I’m not going to try and police the thread to keep you from sharing your opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tough it out the rest of the trip. Has he had business trips or any travel over the last 3 years? I bet they hooked up more than he is telling you. Get your finances in order quietly, consult a lawyer. Gather info on your options should his lying continue.

+1. Now is not the time to go nuclear and make a rash decision. Make sure your own finances are in order. Get a therapist. Get a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

I honestly think a lot of these women would be less upset if they found out their husbands had murdered someone in cold blood. It's so strange.

I’m the immediate PP who said that cheating wouldn’t make me divorce but I don’t see how people can read many stories of how traumatic long-term cheating is for the betrayed spouse and say things like this. If they are acting crazy it’s because the people who are supposed to love them the most have destroyed the very foundations of their lives. It’s not the random dramatic betrayed spouse who says it takes years to get over the symptoms of PTSD and their ability to trust never comes back; the vast majority say that. People who roll their eyes at women who report those impacts are emotionally incompetent and nobody should take their comments seriously.

Their spouses probably do love them, they are just a bit bored with having sex with the same person all the time and for the rest of their lives. Sex and love are two very different things for many people, especially men.

Yeah to me it’s emotionally incompetent to say that you can love somebody at the same time you’re inflict major trauma on them, and it’s especially emotionally incompetent to try to cheer up a betrayed spouse by saying “eh, it was just sex.” Others who disagree might find your opinion useful though.

[Anonymous]

Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

I’m sure there is a psychological term for this and I don’t know it, but I can assure you that this is a completely normal and expected response to what you’re going through. You’ll be okay. Ask for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

F*ck off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

This OP. Totally normal. Husband needs to step the f up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

F*ck off.

PP is right. It's awful and I'm sure OP feels sick to her stomach and like her world is crashing down. But it'll be fine. She can leave or not, but she should certainly take a long time to decide. I also think her DH's story is pretty mild in the grand scheme of things. He wasn't repeatedly sleeping with one person for years or many people. The longer I live, the more shades of grey I see. I have seen spouses who didn't cheat, but who showed less love and support than those who do. It's not black and white. Cheating is wrong, but we are human and sadly it's in our nature to stray. Most of us biologically were never meant to be partnered with one person for decades upon decades. I have never cheated, but I am human enough to see how it could easily happen. When I was young I said cheating was a dealbreaker. Now that I've had a few partners and have been married for 15 years, I told my DH I don't want to know if he cheated. I threatened his life if he ever fell in love with someone else, but sex I wouldn't want to know about. And we have a happy relationship with regular intimacy.

OP, hang in there. You don't have to figure anything out now. Just make you DH pack, get yourself home. Take all the time you need. You have children so you owe it to them to take your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

F*ck off.

PP is right. It's awful and I'm sure OP feels sick to her stomach and like her world is crashing down. But it'll be fine. She can leave or not, but she should certainly take a long time to decide. I also think her DH's story is pretty mild in the grand scheme of things. He wasn't repeatedly sleeping with one person for years or many people. The longer I live, the more shades of grey I see. I have seen spouses who didn't cheat, but who showed less love and support than those who do. It's not black and white. Cheating is wrong, but we are human and sadly it's in our nature to stray. Most of us biologically were never meant to be partnered with one person for decades upon decades. I have never cheated, but I am human enough to see how it could easily happen. When I was young I said cheating was a dealbreaker. Now that I've had a few partners and have been married for 15 years, I told my DH I don't want to know if he cheated. I threatened his life if he ever fell in love with someone else, but sex I wouldn't want to know about. And we have a happy relationship with regular intimacy.

OP, hang in there. You don't have to figure anything out now. Just make you DH pack, get yourself home. Take all the time you need. You have children so you owe it to them to take your time.

PP, your experiences and your "I wouldn't want to know" stance is 100 percent yours -- fine for you, but if you can't see why offering it up here to an OP who is raw and ripped up is just awful, well, you'd better pray you're never actually cheated on. You may find you care much more than you think you will. The "it's our nature to stray" stuff sounds like a cheater's excuse even if you don't mean it to. And your statement about "He wasn't repeatedly sleeping with one person for many years or many people" -- did you read the thread and the experiences of others who HAVE been cheated on? There is NO way to know at this point if this is "just" sexting after one-time sex; you are taking the DH at his word, which is naive and foolish. And if you think sexting is no big deal-- it is. Clearly you've never experienced betrayal like this, so please realize, your experience is not universally applicable. Nor is it even kind to relate it to someone still reeling from the revelation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

You clearly don't know what you're talking about.

People develop diagnosed PTSD from many events other than natural disasters, war and medical issues. Intense emotional distress can cause actual trauma that needs appropriate treatment as much as trauma caused by any source you name. Do not presume to tell others what "trauma" means for them unless you are a trauma specialist yourself. Oh, you're not? That's what I thought.

And if you think this is all simply about "texting someone else," you are completely oblivious to reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

F*ck off.

PP is right. It's awful and I'm sure OP feels sick to her stomach and like her world is crashing down. But it'll be fine. She can leave or not, but she should certainly take a long time to decide. I also think her DH's story is pretty mild in the grand scheme of things. He wasn't repeatedly sleeping with one person for years or many people. The longer I live, the more shades of grey I see. I have seen spouses who didn't cheat, but who showed less love and support than those who do. It's not black and white. Cheating is wrong, but we are human and sadly it's in our nature to stray. Most of us biologically were never meant to be partnered with one person for decades upon decades. I have never cheated, but I am human enough to see how it could easily happen. When I was young I said cheating was a dealbreaker. Now that I've had a few partners and have been married for 15 years, I told my DH I don't want to know if he cheated. I threatened his life if he ever fell in love with someone else, but sex I wouldn't want to know about. And we have a happy relationship with regular intimacy.

OP, hang in there. You don't have to figure anything out now. Just make you DH pack, get yourself home. Take all the time you need. You have children so you owe it to them to take your time.

PP, your experiences and your "I wouldn't want to know" stance is 100 percent yours -- fine for you, but if you can't see why offering it up here to an OP who is raw and ripped up is just awful, well, you'd better pray you're never actually cheated on. You may find you care much more than you think you will. The "it's our nature to stray" stuff sounds like a cheater's excuse even if you don't mean it to. And your statement about "He wasn't repeatedly sleeping with one person for many years or many people" -- did you read the thread and the experiences of others who HAVE been cheated on? There is NO way to know at this point if this is "just" sexting after one-time sex; you are taking the DH at his word, which is naive and foolish. And if you think sexting is no big deal-- it is. Clearly you've never experienced betrayal like this, so please realize, your experience is not universally applicable. Nor is it even kind to relate it to someone still reeling from the revelation.

Fine, but "intense trauma" is ridiculously melodramatic. She's not a war refugee, suffering from a fistula due to being repeatedly raped. Geez.