Why do young people have kids they can't afford?
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Anonymous
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I had my baby at 37 but I do think that in a perfect world I would have had a baby earlier, probably had more than one. Here's what it would take for a such a world to exist:
I'd need my own parents to have been more emotionally mature and ready for parenthood, so that they would not have resorted to abuse and neglect when they became parents in their late teens/early 20s. Which would also require my grandparents to have been mentally healthy, not alcoholics, and not suffering from PTSD from the war and the depressions. My great grandparents were also fleeing famine and poverty in Europe when the immigrated to the US, that probably did not make them the most amazing parents to my grandparents. And so on. If you could clean up my family tree to eliminate poverty, mental health issues, trauma, and abuse issues, then I might have had the kind of childhood that produces someone secure and mature enough to become a good parent at 22. Let me know what you come up with on this. Also, I need a pool of men who are similarly mature enough and stable enough to become parents in their 20s so that I'd stand a chance of partnering with one. Most of the men I dated in my 20s were even more immature and messed up than I was, which is saying something. Please fix this, I'm sure lots of people would appreciate it, actually. Oh, and colleges and grad schools and employers need to be more accommodating of pregnancy, childbirth, and early parenthood instead of just pretending these are imaginary things that can't possibly happen to any of their students or employees. Waiting until my late 30s to have a child meant I had the seniority to get the maternity leave and flexibility I needed, such options were not available to me in my 20s. Kthxby! |
Anonymous
Agree. I was married at 22 and had my first at 26. Happily married 15 yrs so far with three kids. However, I would NOT advise my daughters to do the same. I got lucky it hasn’t been a train wreck, but I think in general it is a bad idea and likely an impulsive vs cognitive decision |
Anonymous
It’s hit more of a nerve with the emotionally unstable in my 20s and early 30s/married at 36/first kid at 39/hopefully stable now at 42 that their brains are “mature” enough to have a kid. |
Anonymous
| Having children earlier, in my mid 20s, would have been the only time I might have been able to successfully have children. Unfortunately I wasn't married or dating anyone that was marriage material. Started trying after marriage at 30 and gave up at 40. No kids. |
Anonymous
I married at 24 someone I started dating and 20. Maybe I would agree to wait a little longer for marriage, I still think women who know they want a family life should be dating with an eye toward marriage in the second half of college or early 20’s. Not saying they will find someone, but the pickins do get slimmer very very quickly. Most of my good friends were at least dating their future DH by college graduation or soon thereafter. The ones I know who married “late” had a very hard time finding a good husband. They did eventually but it was nerve wracking and really stressful. |
Anonymous
Interesting, I know only a handful of folks who coupled up during undergrad / grad school. I started dating in earnest (ie looking for a husband) by like 23 or 24 and I didn’t find him until I was 29 and he was 34. I was VERY picky, as I think women should be. We are celebrating 12 years this month. I think my friends who were single after say 35 really felt the pickings had skimmed down. I felt there were still plenty of fish in the pond at 29! |
Anonymous
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The truth is that raising kids is hard and it's harder when you are broke. Being married is hard and it's even harder when you are broke.
Most people under 30 are struggling just to support themselves and navigate life let alone raise a kid or manage a successful marriage. Don't try to do hard stuff until you're fully grown, young peeps! |
Anonymous
If he's as wonderful as you say, you are incredibly incredibly lucky he was still single at 34. My DH (also a catch IMO) was married with 2 kids at 34. |
Anonymous
I think it can work when you have family support but many people don't. Either they live too far from their families to get meaningful support from them or they have poor relationships with them that just spill over into their marriage. There are some people who can handle marriage in their early 20s simply because they are mature enough and have the support needed to make it work (parents who can offer financial supports but are not enmeshed, will offer emotional support but not in a way that competes with the intimacy of the marriage). Others might make it work if they meet just the right person and make really perfect choices around money, career, and kids. Most people will benefit from waiting a bit, to find the right person, to mature themselves, to get to a place of some financial stability where they are bringing some financial assets into the marriage. |
Anonymous
His background is a bit different - he was an officer in the US army (Special Forces). He’d done five tours plus had been stationed overseas 2x by his early thirties. So it wasn’t that surprising why he was still single. I am glad he and I didn’t have children until he’d separated from the army - I can’t imagine him being deployed for 18 months with a toddler back home. |
Anonymous
It's highly dependent on location and you're own age. I'm 35 and from NYC (where I also met my husband). The only guys who got married and had kids young were either religious or realized pretty quickly that they weren't going to do that well on the dating market, so made more sense to lock it down young as they watched their hairlines recede and bellies expand and were rejected by the women they wanted to date. Which is a good thing! Many of them were very unrealistic about their value, they seem to be happy enough now. The really high value guys though? They don't want to marry at 23 to their college girlfriend these days. And they don't have to. They eventually do want to settle down but that tends to be in their 30s when they're sure they've found the "best" they can get. And we don't put pressure on men to marry young like we do women, so they can spend their sweet time on that quest. |
Anonymous
* your own age |
Anonymous
I had my first at age 30 and I was the first amongst my friends. Having children in your 30s is the norm in professional circles. I had my first child at 30 and my third child at 38. Almost all my friends had their first kid in their early-mid thirties and a second/third mid-late 30s. |
Anonymous
I I had my first at 28 and 3rd at 32 but I live in Denver. I was on the younger side but there are plenty of professionals around my age with young kids. My friends on the coasts have recently gotten married and have started planning for kids now at 34. I think high cost of living in major cities like NY or SF really impacts at what age people are able to afford kids. |
Anonymous
Pp here. I’m from NYC and now live in DMV. Both NYC and DC seem to have moms giving birth in their 30s or at least in our circles. Most of our friends have careers that require a graduate degree. I guess you could have a baby as soon as you graduate but most women work for a few years. |