Why do young people have kids they can't afford?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having children earlier, in my mid 20s, would have been the only time I might have been able to successfully have children. Unfortunately I wasn't married or dating anyone that was marriage material. Started trying after marriage at 30 and gave up at 40. No kids.

I had my first at age 30 and I was the first amongst my friends. Having children in your 30s is the norm in professional circles. I had my first child at 30 and my third child at 38. Almost all my friends had their first kid in their early-mid thirties and a second/third mid-late 30s.

I I had my first at 28 and 3rd at 32 but I live in Denver. I was on the younger side but there are plenty of professionals around my age with young kids. My friends on the coasts have recently gotten married and have started planning for kids now at 34. I think high cost of living in major cities like NY or SF really impacts at what age people are able to afford kids.

Pp here. I’m from NYC and now live in DMV. Both NYC and DC seem to have moms giving birth in their 30s or at least in our circles. Most of our friends have careers that require a graduate degree. I guess you could have a baby as soon as you graduate but most women work for a few years.

That’s what I did, I just have a masters degree so I had my first a couple years post grad school.

Personally, I think if you are financially stable and in a ready for kids you can be a great parent at 26 or 36

I think some people like to pretend it is impossible to be well educated, financially stable and ready for children in your 20s. This isn’t true and it’s not necessary to spend 10-15 years in the workforce prior to having kids. You can definitely choose that path if it’s what you prefer but you can have a graduate degree, a good job, and a spouse at 26. And I say this as someone who had my first at 31.

I’m surprised at people comparing pregnancies in mid-late 20d to teen pregnancies. Stable people having children at 26 is in no way comparable to teens having children they can’t afford.

I have never understood the accusation leveled against women that they are "waiting" to have kids when they don't have them in their 20s. I wasn't waiting on kids, I was waiting on a suitable partner to have them with. Most women find that men in their 20s are not ready for marriage or kids. Some women marry these men and have kids anyway, and it goes poorly. Other women hold out for more mature men, and then have kids when they find them. That might mean dating someone until they mature or simply waiting until you find a man in his 30s who is capable of a committed relationship and fatherhood.

If you are a woman who found one of these unicorn men who were ready for marriage and kids in their mid-20s, congratulations but it's not a reason to criticize other women or claim they "waited" to have kids. They waited for husbands to have kids with. That's it. Some women never even find those husbands (a good man is hard to find, just as Flannery O'Connor) and instead have kids on their own in their late 30s while they still can. The idea that these women just put off having kids or forgot about fertility is absurd. These women knew all along they wanted kids and knew there would come a day when having them was no longer feasible, but had somewhat limited control over their family planning because the men they were meeting were not on the same page.

This happens constantly. I know very, very few women who actually waited on purpose, despite having a partner who was ready for kids. It happens but is very rare and usually involves a woman who is ambivalent about having kids at all. It's not the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having children earlier, in my mid 20s, would have been the only time I might have been able to successfully have children. Unfortunately I wasn't married or dating anyone that was marriage material. Started trying after marriage at 30 and gave up at 40. No kids.

I had my first at age 30 and I was the first amongst my friends. Having children in your 30s is the norm in professional circles. I had my first child at 30 and my third child at 38. Almost all my friends had their first kid in their early-mid thirties and a second/third mid-late 30s.

I I had my first at 28 and 3rd at 32 but I live in Denver. I was on the younger side but there are plenty of professionals around my age with young kids. My friends on the coasts have recently gotten married and have started planning for kids now at 34. I think high cost of living in major cities like NY or SF really impacts at what age people are able to afford kids.

Pp here. I’m from NYC and now live in DMV. Both NYC and DC seem to have moms giving birth in their 30s or at least in our circles. Most of our friends have careers that require a graduate degree. I guess you could have a baby as soon as you graduate but most women work for a few years.

That’s what I did, I just have a masters degree so I had my first a couple years post grad school.

Personally, I think if you are financially stable and in a ready for kids you can be a great parent at 26 or 36

I think some people like to pretend it is impossible to be well educated, financially stable and ready for children in your 20s. This isn’t true and it’s not necessary to spend 10-15 years in the workforce prior to having kids. You can definitely choose that path if it’s what you prefer but you can have a graduate degree, a good job, and a spouse at 26. And I say this as someone who had my first at 31.

I’m surprised at people comparing pregnancies in mid-late 20d to teen pregnancies. Stable people having children at 26 is in no way comparable to teens having children they can’t afford.

I have never understood the accusation leveled against women that they are "waiting" to have kids when they don't have them in their 20s. I wasn't waiting on kids, I was waiting on a suitable partner to have them with. Most women find that men in their 20s are not ready for marriage or kids. Some women marry these men and have kids anyway, and it goes poorly. Other women hold out for more mature men, and then have kids when they find them. That might mean dating someone until they mature or simply waiting until you find a man in his 30s who is capable of a committed relationship and fatherhood.

If you are a woman who found one of these unicorn men who were ready for marriage and kids in their mid-20s, congratulations but it's not a reason to criticize other women or claim they "waited" to have kids. They waited for husbands to have kids with. That's it. Some women never even find those husbands (a good man is hard to find, just as Flannery O'Connor) and instead have kids on their own in their late 30s while they still can. The idea that these women just put off having kids or forgot about fertility is absurd. These women knew all along they wanted kids and knew there would come a day when having them was no longer feasible, but had somewhat limited control over their family planning because the men they were meeting were not on the same page.

This happens constantly. I know very, very few women who actually waited on purpose, despite having a partner who was ready for kids. It happens but is very rare and usually involves a woman who is ambivalent about having kids at all. It's not the norm.

DP, but I don’t think the pp ever accused women having kids in their thirties of “waiting” to do so? I think many people have been saying that anywhere from 25-40 seems like a normal age to have kids. There is one insane poster who keeps comparing having kids in one’s twenties to teenage pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a serious question? Most of them have generations of trauma, abuse, and/or family issues. From an early age they often slip through the cracks of the education and welfare systems. Many never had a role model teach them about finances, independence, foster career skills, or encourage education. They cling on to the first thing that feels like love (which their view of is warped) and it all spirals from there.

+1 this isn't necessary logical, it's so complex

and yes also some areas of the country access to bc is limited more or even if it isn't, just generally education on bc has been quite limited so folks just do not have access to all the information and support they need over a long enough period of time. And generational patterns are hard to break, our brain likes to do what it knows and sees.

No... this is a cop-out. After they gave birth on Medicaid, I assure you that someone explained birth control to them and offered it. It is available free from many providers. Look for other reasons...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having children earlier, in my mid 20s, would have been the only time I might have been able to successfully have children. Unfortunately I wasn't married or dating anyone that was marriage material. Started trying after marriage at 30 and gave up at 40. No kids.

I had my first at age 30 and I was the first amongst my friends. Having children in your 30s is the norm in professional circles. I had my first child at 30 and my third child at 38. Almost all my friends had their first kid in their early-mid thirties and a second/third mid-late 30s.

I I had my first at 28 and 3rd at 32 but I live in Denver. I was on the younger side but there are plenty of professionals around my age with young kids. My friends on the coasts have recently gotten married and have started planning for kids now at 34. I think high cost of living in major cities like NY or SF really impacts at what age people are able to afford kids.

Pp here. I’m from NYC and now live in DMV. Both NYC and DC seem to have moms giving birth in their 30s or at least in our circles. Most of our friends have careers that require a graduate degree. I guess you could have a baby as soon as you graduate but most women work for a few years.

That’s what I did, I just have a masters degree so I had my first a couple years post grad school.

Personally, I think if you are financially stable and in a ready for kids you can be a great parent at 26 or 36

I think some people like to pretend it is impossible to be well educated, financially stable and ready for children in your 20s. This isn’t true and it’s not necessary to spend 10-15 years in the workforce prior to having kids. You can definitely choose that path if it’s what you prefer but you can have a graduate degree, a good job, and a spouse at 26. And I say this as someone who had my first at 31.

I’m surprised at people comparing pregnancies in mid-late 20d to teen pregnancies. Stable people having children at 26 is in no way comparable to teens having children they can’t afford.

I have never understood the accusation leveled against women that they are "waiting" to have kids when they don't have them in their 20s. I wasn't waiting on kids, I was waiting on a suitable partner to have them with. Most women find that men in their 20s are not ready for marriage or kids. Some women marry these men and have kids anyway, and it goes poorly. Other women hold out for more mature men, and then have kids when they find them. That might mean dating someone until they mature or simply waiting until you find a man in his 30s who is capable of a committed relationship and fatherhood.

If you are a woman who found one of these unicorn men who were ready for marriage and kids in their mid-20s, congratulations but it's not a reason to criticize other women or claim they "waited" to have kids. They waited for husbands to have kids with. That's it. Some women never even find those husbands (a good man is hard to find, just as Flannery O'Connor) and instead have kids on their own in their late 30s while they still can. The idea that these women just put off having kids or forgot about fertility is absurd. These women knew all along they wanted kids and knew there would come a day when having them was no longer feasible, but had somewhat limited control over their family planning because the men they were meeting were not on the same page.

This happens constantly. I know very, very few women who actually waited on purpose, despite having a partner who was ready for kids. It happens but is very rare and usually involves a woman who is ambivalent about having kids at all. It's not the norm.

DP, but I don’t think the pp ever accused women having kids in their thirties of “waiting” to do so? I think many people have been saying that anywhere from 25-40 seems like a normal age to have kids. There is one insane poster who keeps comparing having kids in one’s twenties to teenage pregnancy.

Pp from the post above this. Yes, did not intend to imply that women who have children later are making poor decisions or that it’s always possible to have kids even when you want them. I had my first in my 30s when everything aligned in terms of career, spouse, etc. Just pointing out that it is possible to have your ducks in a row and be ready for kids in your 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my kids in my mid-twenties. I don’t think that having kids was all that hard. There are harder things. I’m in my early forties now and will be an empty nester in a couple of years. I have just taken a new job in my field and taken some leadership roles in my department. I actually think it’s better to have a lot of experience working (as well as a lot of life experience) before jumping into this role.

The idea that people need to be in senior positions at work in order to have enough flexibility to have children seems bass-awkwards sometimes. My little sister works in consulting, and she worked incredibly hard for a lot of years leading a team of people, doing a lot of travel, etc. First of all, why are companies paying a ton of money to take advice for a bunch of twenty-something’s who are just a few years out of school? Secondly, she took an internal role two years ago when she had her first child at 36, and I don’t really see how she’s realistically going to get out of it ever. She can’t go back to the schedule she had and raise her children (she’s pregnant with her second), and she will be pushing retirement age when her kids fly the coop.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to have flexible MBA programs, even at elite institutions, and flexible work schedules for junior employees who are in the throes of raising children, and then have mid-career employees taking on more of the demanding work?

It all just seems so backward.

PP here, this is absolutely spot-on IMO. I lost some really low-stakes years in my career when stepping back with a baby in my mid-20s. I would have lost high-stakes, high-earning years/political capital if I'd done the same in my mid-30s. There's no wrong way to do it per se but stepping away when you are more junior makes a lot of sense and is an underrated choice.

Who raised your kids when you got your high stakes, senior position?

DP. They were raised. I stepped back for about 15 years and went for that high level, senior position in my early forties.

[Anonymous]

There are many possible reasons, as discussed in this thread. But the number one biggest reason for teen pregnancy is just that teens decided to have sex & threw caution to the wind. It’s not that they didn’t know about or couldn’t access birth control… they just didn’t think/worry about it. Not in every case of course, but in most cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a couple of younger female relatives that had their first child in their teens, which was tough enough. But then they had more kids with other boyfriends in their early twenties. They struggle financially and socially with unstable relationships and stress. What is the logic among younger women, wanting so many kids so young?

I had both my kids young for DCUM. Not a teen. I definitely couldn’t afford the first. Probably couldn’t afford the second if I’d thought about it. I finished my education with two grad degrees (one after each pregnancy). Nonetheless, I can compare myself to other women I know and see that I’m no worse off:

My best friend who married well and had carefully timed pregnancies but was expected to SAH for the past two decades and is constantly afraid of divorce.

One cousin had three by 20. Had a few years on public assistance and then chose an in demand blue collar career field. Today, she makes about what I make, give or take a couple K. Middle class. Her kids do the same stuff mine do with the exception of her eldest who is disabled.

One cousin has no kids because she waited too long. Federal employee. She makes about what I and her sister do. Probably feels like a lot more because she only has to spend it on herself. I don’t think that’s a huge comfort to her.

My “mom friends” who waited until they were late 30s and established in their careers to have kids. Careers ranging from Feds to education to corporate. Still middle class. Many divorces over money, dead bedrooms, child issues.

My work friends who are early 40s and still hoping to get married and have kids, but really stressed over everything from dating to perimenopause to work.

I’m not sure waiting would have done me any good.

[Anonymous]

If I had married right out of college I would have been ready for kids in my 20s. My serious boyfriend didn't want to get married, so I married my now dh in my 30s and was then unable to have kids at all.

Most men don't want to commit until they are older or have kids until they are older, which is an issue.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the pp that noted location.

I also grew up low income, but went to a UMC school so anything that would help me not appear low income I found myself.

Some things I'll point out that was mentioned or just middle class staples:
-Medicaid covers braces
-Accessible State funded scholarships for Public Schools
-Parents always found camp vouchers or community camps
-People are a a lot more willing to take you on vacations if you're a good kid

I was very aware of my socioeconomic position and reached out to any/all services in my schools. This lead to my family getting our entire house being rebuilt due to asbestos, me qualifying for exempt tuition because of a niche state law(not the scholarship above), and just all around not letting SE status be a dread on my life(I was always grateful.)

There are resources, but with the social services available, caring parents with knowledge of these resources if they qualify shouldn't be shamed for having the family that they want. It's when it crosses over into continued neglect/abuse that I really question why.

[Anonymous]

I think it's kind of stupid to look at people with life experiences and backgrounds and think "what? why on earth would they make that decision that I so clearly can see is wrong?" and then go rag on them to others who have had your same life experiences and backgrounds.

[Anonymous]

Some people come from backgrounds where children (as a class, not individuals) are just more highly valued than you value them. I'm not insulting you, OP, but there are just different values at play here.

A lot of people believe that kids come before "financial stability," meaning instead of deciding what kind of life they want to live and then see how they can fit kids into the picture, they have the kids they want and the number of kids you wind up having determines your lifestyle.

I had my first at age 26, before I had any work experience (right out of grad school). My husband was a junior in college, not even sure what kind of career he wanted to have. You can definitely argue that we could't afford kids since we both worked measly part-time jobs and lived off student loans. But we wanted the kids first.

Now, we did have a plan to become financially stable, which is different from people who don't have a plan in place. But still, it's just a matter of different values.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it just happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a couple of younger female relatives that had their first child in their teens, which was tough enough. But then they had more kids with other boyfriends in their early twenties. They struggle financially and socially with unstable relationships and stress. What is the logic among younger women, wanting so many kids so young?

Too stupid, Lazy, poor to use/afford BC though anyone too irresponsible to use BC should not be engaging in sex. I don't buy the "no love".

[Anonymous]

There are as many reasons as there are people. However, I think other posters are right that it’s often a combination of wanting something to love/love you, not having a lot of hope for the future otherwise (I.e., waiting until you’re through school and established in your career only makes sense if you expect to have a career), and modeling what they grew up with.

If everyone you know had kids young, and they love their kids and are happy enough, and you don’t really have anything else going on, why not?

[Anonymous]

Kids are hard but they also bring joy. I think it’s sometimes as simple as people with hard lives looking for happiness and joy where they can find it.