Why do young people have kids they can't afford?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a couple of younger female relatives that had their first child in their teens, which was tough enough. But then they had more kids with other boyfriends in their early twenties. They struggle financially and socially with unstable relationships and stress. What is the logic among younger women, wanting so many kids so young?

They are Catholic.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the responses, but I will say -- a lot of people don't see this as well educated, high socioeconomic people in DC do. Go figure.

Even among my friends and me -- all raised in this area-- my friends with SO MUCH MORE MONEY than me say "they can't afford kids." It seems ridiculous - yes you can, you just can't afford Vail twice a season with another kid if you don't give up your 4 luxury cars.

[Anonymous]

1. religion
2. lack of health/reproductive education
3. lack of college opportunities=get involved with someone and have kids
4. lack of activities for teens=teens get involved and have kids
5. lack of adult supervision for tweens/teens=tweens/teens get involved, teens have kids
6. family pressure to have grandkids while grandparents are young enough to have fun with them
7. family pressure to have kids young enough to not have infertility problems

etc

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this has been mentioned but a few of the students I have taught have been basically responsible for caring for their younger siblings while they are young teens. In the words of my 18-year-old student: "Caring for babies is all I knew since I took care of my baby sister while my mom worked. So I had my own baby." Another student said he doesn't want kids of his own because at age 19, he is the primary caregiver for two younger cousins who live with him and his single mom while he juggles work and part-time school.

I'm learning that my students' lives are much more complex than mine so I try not to judge them for their choices.

[Anonymous]

People do lots of things they can't afford. I'd rather a grandchild than a college degree, if I have to choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this has been mentioned but a few of the students I have taught have been basically responsible for caring for their younger siblings while they are young teens. In the words of my 18-year-old student: "Caring for babies is all I knew since I took care of my baby sister while my mom worked. So I had my own baby." Another student said he doesn't want kids of his own because at age 19, he is the primary caregiver for two younger cousins who live with him and his single mom while he juggles work and part-time school.

I'm learning that my students' lives are much more complex than mine so I try not to judge them for their choices.

When kids raise kids, they go to the extremes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my kids in my mid-twenties. I don’t think that having kids was all that hard. There are harder things. I’m in my early forties now and will be an empty nester in a couple of years. I have just taken a new job in my field and taken some leadership roles in my department. I actually think it’s better to have a lot of experience working (as well as a lot of life experience) before jumping into this role.

The idea that people need to be in senior positions at work in order to have enough flexibility to have children seems bass-awkwards sometimes. My little sister works in consulting, and she worked incredibly hard for a lot of years leading a team of people, doing a lot of travel, etc. First of all, why are companies paying a ton of money to take advice for a bunch of twenty-something’s who are just a few years out of school? Secondly, she took an internal role two years ago when she had her first child at 36, and I don’t really see how she’s realistically going to get out of it ever. She can’t go back to the schedule she had and raise her children (she’s pregnant with her second), and she will be pushing retirement age when her kids fly the coop.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to have flexible MBA programs, even at elite institutions, and flexible work schedules for junior employees who are in the throes of raising children, and then have mid-career employees taking on more of the demanding work?

It all just seems so backward.

PP here, this is absolutely spot-on IMO. I lost some really low-stakes years in my career when stepping back with a baby in my mid-20s. I would have lost high-stakes, high-earning years/political capital if I'd done the same in my mid-30s. There's no wrong way to do it per se but stepping away when you are more junior makes a lot of sense and is an underrated choice.

I think it depends a lot on your job.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Having children earlier, in my mid 20s, would have been the only time I might have been able to successfully have children. Unfortunately I wasn't married or dating anyone that was marriage material. Started trying after marriage at 30 and gave up at 40. No kids.

I had my first at age 30 and I was the first amongst my friends. Having children in your 30s is the norm in professional circles. I had my first child at 30 and my third child at 38. Almost all my friends had their first kid in their early-mid thirties and a second/third mid-late 30s.

I I had my first at 28 and 3rd at 32 but I live in Denver. I was on the younger side but there are plenty of professionals around my age with young kids. My friends on the coasts have recently gotten married and have started planning for kids now at 34. I think high cost of living in major cities like NY or SF really impacts at what age people are able to afford kids.

Pp here. I’m from NYC and now live in DMV. Both NYC and DC seem to have moms giving birth in their 30s or at least in our circles. Most of our friends have careers that require a graduate degree. I guess you could have a baby as soon as you graduate but most women work for a few years.

That’s what I did, I just have a masters degree so I had my first a couple years post grad school.

Personally, I think if you are financially stable and in a ready for kids you can be a great parent at 26 or 36

I think some people like to pretend it is impossible to be well educated, financially stable and ready for children in your 20s. This isn’t true and it’s not necessary to spend 10-15 years in the workforce prior to having kids. You can definitely choose that path if it’s what you prefer but you can have a graduate degree, a good job, and a spouse at 26. And I say this as someone who had my first at 31.

I’m surprised at people comparing pregnancies in mid-late 20d to teen pregnancies. Stable people having children at 26 is in no way comparable to teens having children they can’t afford.

I have never understood the accusation leveled against women that they are "waiting" to have kids when they don't have them in their 20s. I wasn't waiting on kids, I was waiting on a suitable partner to have them with. Most women find that men in their 20s are not ready for marriage or kids. Some women marry these men and have kids anyway, and it goes poorly. Other women hold out for more mature men, and then have kids when they find them. That might mean dating someone until they mature or simply waiting until you find a man in his 30s who is capable of a committed relationship and fatherhood.

If you are a woman who found one of these unicorn men who were ready for marriage and kids in their mid-20s, congratulations but it's not a reason to criticize other women or claim they "waited" to have kids. They waited for husbands to have kids with. That's it. Some women never even find those husbands (a good man is hard to find, just as Flannery O'Connor) and instead have kids on their own in their late 30s while they still can. The idea that these women just put off having kids or forgot about fertility is absurd. These women knew all along they wanted kids and knew there would come a day when having them was no longer feasible, but had somewhat limited control over their family planning because the men they were meeting were not on the same page.

This happens constantly. I know very, very few women who actually waited on purpose, despite having a partner who was ready for kids. It happens but is very rare and usually involves a woman who is ambivalent about having kids at all. It's not the norm.

Did you know that basically anything piece about birth rates and why why there are fewer babies being born or why people delay having children it's almost always 100% blamed on women. Even though nobody can get pregnant on their own.

Just remember if you get pregnant when you are too poor too Young too Old to whatever it will only 100% be on the woman. If you have a baby with the wrong man he turns out to be a deadbeat you will probably get blamed for it too. The court of social opinion is always blame women