Why do young people have kids they can't afford?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having children earlier, in my mid 20s, would have been the only time I might have been able to successfully have children. Unfortunately I wasn't married or dating anyone that was marriage material. Started trying after marriage at 30 and gave up at 40. No kids.

I had my first at age 30 and I was the first amongst my friends. Having children in your 30s is the norm in professional circles. I had my first child at 30 and my third child at 38. Almost all my friends had their first kid in their early-mid thirties and a second/third mid-late 30s.

I I had my first at 28 and 3rd at 32 but I live in Denver. I was on the younger side but there are plenty of professionals around my age with young kids. My friends on the coasts have recently gotten married and have started planning for kids now at 34. I think high cost of living in major cities like NY or SF really impacts at what age people are able to afford kids.

Pp here. I’m from NYC and now live in DMV. Both NYC and DC seem to have moms giving birth in their 30s or at least in our circles. Most of our friends have careers that require a graduate degree. I guess you could have a baby as soon as you graduate but most women work for a few years.

That’s what I did, I just have a masters degree so I had my first a couple years post grad school.

Personally, I think if you are financially stable and in a ready for kids you can be a great parent at 26 or 36

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Wow, original "kid at 26" PP here and this really took off in a ... not great direction.

I was ready at 26 -- financially, mentally, education/career-wise, otherwise. Some may not be. That's fine. It's really strange to have to explicitly make an "Everyone is different" disclaimer. And yes, I was a married college grad, but more importantly I was stable overall and personally felt ready for the challenge. I did not do grad school/law school etc. so that is an important factor. Many people are not done with their higher ed by that age.

I'm glad I started young because conceiving a healthy pregnancy was actually not a smooth path for me.

My parents were in their 30s and most of my parent friends were 30-35+ when they started having kids, so I have nothing against that path, either. I just think it's good if people have the feasible *option* to have kids starting in their 20s if they wish.

How does custody work with your kids and ex?

?? Happily married here. Not even sure what this snark is aiming at.

Another young married/young mom here. (Married 24, first house at 27, first baby at 28) They console themselves by thinking we are all somehow divorced because we married "young." I too have been happily married 18 years. Sorry to disappoint them.

No one should be encouraging other to marry at age 24. I don’t care if you did, that is terrible advice to give out.

Agree. I was married at 22 and had my first at 26. Happily married 15 yrs so far with three kids. However, I would NOT advise my daughters to do the same. I got lucky it hasn’t been a train wreck, but I think in general it is a bad idea and likely an impulsive vs cognitive decision

I married at 24 someone I started dating and 20. Maybe I would agree to wait a little longer for marriage, I still think women who know they want a family life should be dating with an eye toward marriage in the second half of college or early 20’s. Not saying they will find someone, but the pickins do get slimmer very very quickly. Most of my good friends were at least dating their future DH by college graduation or soon thereafter. The ones I know who married “late” had a very hard time finding a good husband. They did eventually but it was nerve wracking and really stressful.

Interesting, I know only a handful of folks who coupled up during undergrad / grad school. I started dating in earnest (ie looking for a husband) by like 23 or 24 and I didn’t find him until I was 29 and he was 34. I was VERY picky, as I think women should be. We are celebrating 12 years this month. I think my friends who were single after say 35 really felt the pickings had skimmed down. I felt there were still plenty of fish in the pond at 29!

If he's as wonderful as you say, you are incredibly incredibly lucky he was still single at 34. My DH (also a catch IMO) was married with 2 kids at 34.

It's highly dependent on location and you're own age. I'm 35 and from NYC (where I also met my husband). The only guys who got married and had kids young were either religious or realized pretty quickly that they weren't going to do that well on the dating market, so made more sense to lock it down young as they watched their hairlines recede and bellies expand and were rejected by the women they wanted to date. Which is a good thing! Many of them were very unrealistic about their value, they seem to be happy enough now. The really high value guys though? They don't want to marry at 23 to their college girlfriend these days. And they don't have to. They eventually do want to settle down but that tends to be in their 30s when they're sure they've found the "best" they can get. And we don't put pressure on men to marry young like we do women, so they can spend their sweet time on that quest.

That’s a lot of pressure to put on a new wife for perfection. I am thankful my DH didn’t look at it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having children earlier, in my mid 20s, would have been the only time I might have been able to successfully have children. Unfortunately I wasn't married or dating anyone that was marriage material. Started trying after marriage at 30 and gave up at 40. No kids.

I had my first at age 30 and I was the first amongst my friends. Having children in your 30s is the norm in professional circles. I had my first child at 30 and my third child at 38. Almost all my friends had their first kid in their early-mid thirties and a second/third mid-late 30s.

I I had my first at 28 and 3rd at 32 but I live in Denver. I was on the younger side but there are plenty of professionals around my age with young kids. My friends on the coasts have recently gotten married and have started planning for kids now at 34. I think high cost of living in major cities like NY or SF really impacts at what age people are able to afford kids.

Pp here. I’m from NYC and now live in DMV. Both NYC and DC seem to have moms giving birth in their 30s or at least in our circles. Most of our friends have careers that require a graduate degree. I guess you could have a baby as soon as you graduate but most women work for a few years.

That’s what I did, I just have a masters degree so I had my first a couple years post grad school.

Personally, I think if you are financially stable and in a ready for kids you can be a great parent at 26 or 36

I'm from a country where it's the norm for both sexes to marry and procreate in their 20s. This does not seem to affect career progress for those that were career minded. The things that help to make it work is a) strong social safety net, b) expected family support, and c) similar social models. One of my college mates, for instance, has married her college sweetheart right at 22. A child at 24. They are both in high-level managerial positions today, and their son is 25, out of college and engaged. I don't know that they've ended up worse than my example of still potty-training my youngest as I didn't start having children until late thirties. There's a lot to be said for being young energetic grandparents, or having half your life still ahead of you with your reproductive and child-raising goals already behind you. Not bad at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having children earlier, in my mid 20s, would have been the only time I might have been able to successfully have children. Unfortunately I wasn't married or dating anyone that was marriage material. Started trying after marriage at 30 and gave up at 40. No kids.

I had my first at age 30 and I was the first amongst my friends. Having children in your 30s is the norm in professional circles. I had my first child at 30 and my third child at 38. Almost all my friends had their first kid in their early-mid thirties and a second/third mid-late 30s.

I I had my first at 28 and 3rd at 32 but I live in Denver. I was on the younger side but there are plenty of professionals around my age with young kids. My friends on the coasts have recently gotten married and have started planning for kids now at 34. I think high cost of living in major cities like NY or SF really impacts at what age people are able to afford kids.

Pp here. I’m from NYC and now live in DMV. Both NYC and DC seem to have moms giving birth in their 30s or at least in our circles. Most of our friends have careers that require a graduate degree. I guess you could have a baby as soon as you graduate but most women work for a few years.

That’s what I did, I just have a masters degree so I had my first a couple years post grad school.

Personally, I think if you are financially stable and in a ready for kids you can be a great parent at 26 or 36

I'm from a country where it's the norm for both sexes to marry and procreate in their 20s. This does not seem to affect career progress for those that were career minded. The things that help to make it work is a) strong social safety net, b) expected family support, and c) similar social models. One of my college mates, for instance, has married her college sweetheart right at 22. A child at 24. They are both in high-level managerial positions today, and their son is 25, out of college and engaged. I don't know that they've ended up worse than my example of still potty-training my youngest as I didn't start having children until late thirties. There's a lot to be said for being young energetic grandparents, or having half your life still ahead of you with your reproductive and child-raising goals already behind you. Not bad at all.

What country?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having children earlier, in my mid 20s, would have been the only time I might have been able to successfully have children. Unfortunately I wasn't married or dating anyone that was marriage material. Started trying after marriage at 30 and gave up at 40. No kids.

I had my first at age 30 and I was the first amongst my friends. Having children in your 30s is the norm in professional circles. I had my first child at 30 and my third child at 38. Almost all my friends had their first kid in their early-mid thirties and a second/third mid-late 30s.

I I had my first at 28 and 3rd at 32 but I live in Denver. I was on the younger side but there are plenty of professionals around my age with young kids. My friends on the coasts have recently gotten married and have started planning for kids now at 34. I think high cost of living in major cities like NY or SF really impacts at what age people are able to afford kids.

Pp here. I’m from NYC and now live in DMV. Both NYC and DC seem to have moms giving birth in their 30s or at least in our circles. Most of our friends have careers that require a graduate degree. I guess you could have a baby as soon as you graduate but most women work for a few years.

That’s what I did, I just have a masters degree so I had my first a couple years post grad school.

Personally, I think if you are financially stable and in a ready for kids you can be a great parent at 26 or 36

I'm from a country where it's the norm for both sexes to marry and procreate in their 20s. This does not seem to affect career progress for those that were career minded. The things that help to make it work is a) strong social safety net, b) expected family support, and c) similar social models. One of my college mates, for instance, has married her college sweetheart right at 22. A child at 24. They are both in high-level managerial positions today, and their son is 25, out of college and engaged. I don't know that they've ended up worse than my example of still potty-training my youngest as I didn't start having children until late thirties. There's a lot to be said for being young energetic grandparents, or having half your life still ahead of you with your reproductive and child-raising goals already behind you. Not bad at all.

What country?

Georgia.

[Anonymous]

I had my kids in my mid-twenties. I don’t think that having kids was all that hard. There are harder things. I’m in my early forties now and will be an empty nester in a couple of years. I have just taken a new job in my field and taken some leadership roles in my department. I actually think it’s better to have a lot of experience working (as well as a lot of life experience) before jumping into this role.

The idea that people need to be in senior positions at work in order to have enough flexibility to have children seems bass-awkwards sometimes. My little sister works in consulting, and she worked incredibly hard for a lot of years leading a team of people, doing a lot of travel, etc. First of all, why are companies paying a ton of money to take advice for a bunch of twenty-something’s who are just a few years out of school? Secondly, she took an internal role two years ago when she had her first child at 36, and I don’t really see how she’s realistically going to get out of it ever. She can’t go back to the schedule she had and raise her children (she’s pregnant with her second), and she will be pushing retirement age when her kids fly the coop.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to have flexible MBA programs, even at elite institutions, and flexible work schedules for junior employees who are in the throes of raising children, and then have mid-career employees taking on more of the demanding work?

It all just seems so backward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had my kids in my mid-twenties. I don’t think that having kids was all that hard. There are harder things. I’m in my early forties now and will be an empty nester in a couple of years. I have just taken a new job in my field and taken some leadership roles in my department. I actually think it’s better to have a lot of experience working (as well as a lot of life experience) before jumping into this role.

The idea that people need to be in senior positions at work in order to have enough flexibility to have children seems bass-awkwards sometimes. My little sister works in consulting, and she worked incredibly hard for a lot of years leading a team of people, doing a lot of travel, etc. First of all, why are companies paying a ton of money to take advice for a bunch of twenty-something’s who are just a few years out of school? Secondly, she took an internal role two years ago when she had her first child at 36, and I don’t really see how she’s realistically going to get out of it ever. She can’t go back to the schedule she had and raise her children (she’s pregnant with her second), and she will be pushing retirement age when her kids fly the coop.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to have flexible MBA programs, even at elite institutions, and flexible work schedules for junior employees who are in the throes of raising children, and then have mid-career employees taking on more of the demanding work?

It all just seems so backward.

PP here, this is absolutely spot-on IMO. I lost some really low-stakes years in my career when stepping back with a baby in my mid-20s. I would have lost high-stakes, high-earning years/political capital if I'd done the same in my mid-30s. There's no wrong way to do it per se but stepping away when you are more junior makes a lot of sense and is an underrated choice.

[Anonymous]

Well older people do this all the time too

But for younger people, teens and young adults, there needs to be far more education on why having one child would benefit that one child.

Its not so much a young person has the first kid they can't afford bc if they stopped there, and over a lifetime there parent was able to work at a job with a modest salary - the child would not grow up in poverty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well older people do this all the time too

But for younger people, teens and young adults, there needs to be far more education on why having one child would benefit that one child.

Its not so much a young person has the first kid they can't afford bc if they stopped there, and over a lifetime there parent was able to work at a job with a modest salary - the child would not grow up in poverty.

Poverty at a young age is harder to overcome in the long run. In other words, it would be better to have too many kids later in life, than earlier in life from a financial standpoint.

[Anonymous]

Another question, why do young people with too many kids have too many pets? They can't afford any extra mouths to feed, but they have them anyway.

[Anonymous]

In the case of my friends, it is learned behavior. I'm 45 and I have three friends, also 45, who have grandkids. They all had their first babies at 20/21 and their daughters are having their first babies at the same age. I don't know their financial situations but I would wager to say none of them are wealthy.

Not saying this is always the case (my mother was 20 when she had me, I was 34 with my first) but it seems to be a pattern amongst my high school friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having children earlier, in my mid 20s, would have been the only time I might have been able to successfully have children. Unfortunately I wasn't married or dating anyone that was marriage material. Started trying after marriage at 30 and gave up at 40. No kids.

I had my first at age 30 and I was the first amongst my friends. Having children in your 30s is the norm in professional circles. I had my first child at 30 and my third child at 38. Almost all my friends had their first kid in their early-mid thirties and a second/third mid-late 30s.

I I had my first at 28 and 3rd at 32 but I live in Denver. I was on the younger side but there are plenty of professionals around my age with young kids. My friends on the coasts have recently gotten married and have started planning for kids now at 34. I think high cost of living in major cities like NY or SF really impacts at what age people are able to afford kids.

Pp here. I’m from NYC and now live in DMV. Both NYC and DC seem to have moms giving birth in their 30s or at least in our circles. Most of our friends have careers that require a graduate degree. I guess you could have a baby as soon as you graduate but most women work for a few years.

That’s what I did, I just have a masters degree so I had my first a couple years post grad school.

Personally, I think if you are financially stable and in a ready for kids you can be a great parent at 26 or 36

I think some people like to pretend it is impossible to be well educated, financially stable and ready for children in your 20s. This isn’t true and it’s not necessary to spend 10-15 years in the workforce prior to having kids. You can definitely choose that path if it’s what you prefer but you can have a graduate degree, a good job, and a spouse at 26. And I say this as someone who had my first at 31.

I’m surprised at people comparing pregnancies in mid-late 20d to teen pregnancies. Stable people having children at 26 is in no way comparable to teens having children they can’t afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my kids in my mid-twenties. I don’t think that having kids was all that hard. There are harder things. I’m in my early forties now and will be an empty nester in a couple of years. I have just taken a new job in my field and taken some leadership roles in my department. I actually think it’s better to have a lot of experience working (as well as a lot of life experience) before jumping into this role.

The idea that people need to be in senior positions at work in order to have enough flexibility to have children seems bass-awkwards sometimes. My little sister works in consulting, and she worked incredibly hard for a lot of years leading a team of people, doing a lot of travel, etc. First of all, why are companies paying a ton of money to take advice for a bunch of twenty-something’s who are just a few years out of school? Secondly, she took an internal role two years ago when she had her first child at 36, and I don’t really see how she’s realistically going to get out of it ever. She can’t go back to the schedule she had and raise her children (she’s pregnant with her second), and she will be pushing retirement age when her kids fly the coop.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to have flexible MBA programs, even at elite institutions, and flexible work schedules for junior employees who are in the throes of raising children, and then have mid-career employees taking on more of the demanding work?

It all just seems so backward.

PP here, this is absolutely spot-on IMO. I lost some really low-stakes years in my career when stepping back with a baby in my mid-20s. I would have lost high-stakes, high-earning years/political capital if I'd done the same in my mid-30s. There's no wrong way to do it per se but stepping away when you are more junior makes a lot of sense and is an underrated choice.

Who raised your kids when you got your high stakes, senior position?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having children earlier, in my mid 20s, would have been the only time I might have been able to successfully have children. Unfortunately I wasn't married or dating anyone that was marriage material. Started trying after marriage at 30 and gave up at 40. No kids.

I had my first at age 30 and I was the first amongst my friends. Having children in your 30s is the norm in professional circles. I had my first child at 30 and my third child at 38. Almost all my friends had their first kid in their early-mid thirties and a second/third mid-late 30s.

I I had my first at 28 and 3rd at 32 but I live in Denver. I was on the younger side but there are plenty of professionals around my age with young kids. My friends on the coasts have recently gotten married and have started planning for kids now at 34. I think high cost of living in major cities like NY or SF really impacts at what age people are able to afford kids.

Pp here. I’m from NYC and now live in DMV. Both NYC and DC seem to have moms giving birth in their 30s or at least in our circles. Most of our friends have careers that require a graduate degree. I guess you could have a baby as soon as you graduate but most women work for a few years.

That’s what I did, I just have a masters degree so I had my first a couple years post grad school.

Personally, I think if you are financially stable and in a ready for kids you can be a great parent at 26 or 36

I think some people like to pretend it is impossible to be well educated, financially stable and ready for children in your 20s. This isn’t true and it’s not necessary to spend 10-15 years in the workforce prior to having kids. You can definitely choose that path if it’s what you prefer but you can have a graduate degree, a good job, and a spouse at 26. And I say this as someone who had my first at 31.

I’m surprised at people comparing pregnancies in mid-late 20d to teen pregnancies. Stable people having children at 26 is in no way comparable to teens having children they can’t afford.

Yes, I think one unhinged poster who had kids late -and is salty about it- who keeps making that comparison. Of course it’s possible to be someone who has it together in their mid twenties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my kids in my mid-twenties. I don’t think that having kids was all that hard. There are harder things. I’m in my early forties now and will be an empty nester in a couple of years. I have just taken a new job in my field and taken some leadership roles in my department. I actually think it’s better to have a lot of experience working (as well as a lot of life experience) before jumping into this role.

The idea that people need to be in senior positions at work in order to have enough flexibility to have children seems bass-awkwards sometimes. My little sister works in consulting, and she worked incredibly hard for a lot of years leading a team of people, doing a lot of travel, etc. First of all, why are companies paying a ton of money to take advice for a bunch of twenty-something’s who are just a few years out of school? Secondly, she took an internal role two years ago when she had her first child at 36, and I don’t really see how she’s realistically going to get out of it ever. She can’t go back to the schedule she had and raise her children (she’s pregnant with her second), and she will be pushing retirement age when her kids fly the coop.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to have flexible MBA programs, even at elite institutions, and flexible work schedules for junior employees who are in the throes of raising children, and then have mid-career employees taking on more of the demanding work?

It all just seems so backward.

PP here, this is absolutely spot-on IMO. I lost some really low-stakes years in my career when stepping back with a baby in my mid-20s. I would have lost high-stakes, high-earning years/political capital if I'd done the same in my mid-30s. There's no wrong way to do it per se but stepping away when you are more junior makes a lot of sense and is an underrated choice.

Who raised your kids when you got your high stakes, senior position?

This is such a silly argument. So you’re saying that no one with high stakes jobs should have kids because they will need to outsource childcare? Should women work for 10-15 years, have a kid at 35, then quit to “raise” their child themselves? Why work at all then? Why not just have a kid at 27, not be an old parent, and stay home with them forever? Or are only old first time parents allowed to have demanding careers and Nannie’s? You make no sense.