Friend with bad child being iced out of friend group

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely the play tme is running a bit too long for the kid. How long are your get-togethers? Does his acting out start the minute he arrives, or does it begin surfacing after 45 to an hour, or longer? If it takes awhile, then he's reached his limit and maxxed out on sensory overload.

One of my kids was like that, and I had to watch closely for when she was ramping up toward meltdown, and we would go home before that point. We might be there for one hour and then sorry, we have to get going. Some children are just more sentitive to stimuli -- maybe they're a tiny bit on the spectrum, etc. -- and they melt down after too much exposure time to social chaos, loudness, etc.

Since this is a friend's child, you might gently hint that maybe her son is getting tired and needs to go home?

Better yet, limit these get-togethers to OUTSIDE the house, at a local park with a nice playground, where he cannot do damage to anyone's home. That's a no-brainer that should have already happened here. Put on a coat, meet at the playground.

If this mom is showing up, the gathering is going to be outside.

I would encourage you to find ways not to drop this mom, who is probably rather isolated already due to her son's behavior.

Not to pick on you, but this is an example of a post that puts OP's DD in a situation that she doesnt want to be in, to make either OP or the other mom, or the other kid feel better.

Unless you're suggesting that OP meet at a playground but not bring her DD?

This gets to the heart of it: OR separated and kept a close eye on her DD, whereas OP’s friend’s boy has already hit more than one kid, made a kid or more than one cry, ripped down a fixture, scared Op’s DD to where DD at age 5 doesn’t want to play with him. This has only gone on for 12 pages bc OP used the word “bad,” and she only used that bc if there is a broader reason she hasn’t been told. If other parents don’t actively manage and stay on kids to try and prevent stuff, what are their friends/kids friend’s parents to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely the play tme is running a bit too long for the kid. How long are your get-togethers? Does his acting out start the minute he arrives, or does it begin surfacing after 45 to an hour, or longer? If it takes awhile, then he's reached his limit and maxxed out on sensory overload.

One of my kids was like that, and I had to watch closely for when she was ramping up toward meltdown, and we would go home before that point. We might be there for one hour and then sorry, we have to get going. Some children are just more sentitive to stimuli -- maybe they're a tiny bit on the spectrum, etc. -- and they melt down after too much exposure time to social chaos, loudness, etc.

Since this is a friend's child, you might gently hint that maybe her son is getting tired and needs to go home?

Better yet, limit these get-togethers to OUTSIDE the house, at a local park with a nice playground, where he cannot do damage to anyone's home. That's a no-brainer that should have already happened here. Put on a coat, meet at the playground.

If this mom is showing up, the gathering is going to be outside.

I would encourage you to find ways not to drop this mom, who is probably rather isolated already due to her son's behavior.

Not to pick on you, but this is an example of a post that puts OP's DD in a situation that she doesnt want to be in, to make either OP or the other mom, or the other kid feel better.

Unless you're suggesting that OP meet at a playground but not bring her DD?

+ 1.

NP. Question for both of you: do you believe your child should never encounter situations she doesn’t want to be in? It is sentiments like this that lead to the massive anxiety problems in young adults that other PPs have referred to. I think a lot of parents genuinely believe their kids should never encounter a “bad” kid, or a challenging interaction, and they become wildly unprepared for adulthood.

I get the sense a lot of PPs who are telling OP to cut off the relationship haven’t seen the outcomes in teens these days. They are so fragile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely the play tme is running a bit too long for the kid. How long are your get-togethers? Does his acting out start the minute he arrives, or does it begin surfacing after 45 to an hour, or longer? If it takes awhile, then he's reached his limit and maxxed out on sensory overload.

One of my kids was like that, and I had to watch closely for when she was ramping up toward meltdown, and we would go home before that point. We might be there for one hour and then sorry, we have to get going. Some children are just more sentitive to stimuli -- maybe they're a tiny bit on the spectrum, etc. -- and they melt down after too much exposure time to social chaos, loudness, etc.

Since this is a friend's child, you might gently hint that maybe her son is getting tired and needs to go home?

Better yet, limit these get-togethers to OUTSIDE the house, at a local park with a nice playground, where he cannot do damage to anyone's home. That's a no-brainer that should have already happened here. Put on a coat, meet at the playground.

If this mom is showing up, the gathering is going to be outside.

I would encourage you to find ways not to drop this mom, who is probably rather isolated already due to her son's behavior.

Not to pick on you, but this is an example of a post that puts OP's DD in a situation that she doesnt want to be in, to make either OP or the other mom, or the other kid feel better.

Unless you're suggesting that OP meet at a playground but not bring her DD?

+ 1.

NP. Question for both of you: do you believe your child should never encounter situations she doesn’t want to be in? It is sentiments like this that lead to the massive anxiety problems in young adults that other PPs have referred to. I think a lot of parents genuinely believe their kids should never encounter a “bad” kid, or a challenging interaction, and they become wildly unprepared for adulthood.

I get the sense a lot of PPs who are telling OP to cut off the relationship haven’t seen the outcomes in teens these days. They are so fragile.

But that child can learn that in sports, or girl scouts, or school.

Not in their leisure time. And not when that situation involves literal physical violence. The other kid hits. Not once. But often. A pattern of hitting.

I'm not going to force my kid to spend time with that other kid.

Mass anxiety and mental health? Gimme a break. Imagine what kind of anxiety a kid will have when the message is "I know this boy hits you every time you're together, and that you're scared to be around him. But we don't want the neighbors to think we're rude" What kind of message does that send to OP's DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely the play tme is running a bit too long for the kid. How long are your get-togethers? Does his acting out start the minute he arrives, or does it begin surfacing after 45 to an hour, or longer? If it takes awhile, then he's reached his limit and maxxed out on sensory overload.

One of my kids was like that, and I had to watch closely for when she was ramping up toward meltdown, and we would go home before that point. We might be there for one hour and then sorry, we have to get going. Some children are just more sentitive to stimuli -- maybe they're a tiny bit on the spectrum, etc. -- and they melt down after too much exposure time to social chaos, loudness, etc.

Since this is a friend's child, you might gently hint that maybe her son is getting tired and needs to go home?

Better yet, limit these get-togethers to OUTSIDE the house, at a local park with a nice playground, where he cannot do damage to anyone's home. That's a no-brainer that should have already happened here. Put on a coat, meet at the playground.

If this mom is showing up, the gathering is going to be outside.

I would encourage you to find ways not to drop this mom, who is probably rather isolated already due to her son's behavior.

Not to pick on you, but this is an example of a post that puts OP's DD in a situation that she doesnt want to be in, to make either OP or the other mom, or the other kid feel better.

Unless you're suggesting that OP meet at a playground but not bring her DD?

+ 1.

NP. Question for both of you: do you believe your child should never encounter situations she doesn’t want to be in? It is sentiments like this that lead to the massive anxiety problems in young adults that other PPs have referred to. I think a lot of parents genuinely believe their kids should never encounter a “bad” kid, or a challenging interaction, and they become wildly unprepared for adulthood.

I get the sense a lot of PPs who are telling OP to cut off the relationship haven’t seen the outcomes in teens these days. They are so fragile.

Np and no. I’m not going put my kids in a situation where they will be hit. What kind of a parent does that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely the play tme is running a bit too long for the kid. How long are your get-togethers? Does his acting out start the minute he arrives, or does it begin surfacing after 45 to an hour, or longer? If it takes awhile, then he's reached his limit and maxxed out on sensory overload.

One of my kids was like that, and I had to watch closely for when she was ramping up toward meltdown, and we would go home before that point. We might be there for one hour and then sorry, we have to get going. Some children are just more sentitive to stimuli -- maybe they're a tiny bit on the spectrum, etc. -- and they melt down after too much exposure time to social chaos, loudness, etc.

Since this is a friend's child, you might gently hint that maybe her son is getting tired and needs to go home?

Better yet, limit these get-togethers to OUTSIDE the house, at a local park with a nice playground, where he cannot do damage to anyone's home. That's a no-brainer that should have already happened here. Put on a coat, meet at the playground.

If this mom is showing up, the gathering is going to be outside.

I would encourage you to find ways not to drop this mom, who is probably rather isolated already due to her son's behavior.

Not to pick on you, but this is an example of a post that puts OP's DD in a situation that she doesnt want to be in, to make either OP or the other mom, or the other kid feel better.

Unless you're suggesting that OP meet at a playground but not bring her DD?

+ 1.

NP. Question for both of you: do you believe your child should never encounter situations she doesn’t want to be in? It is sentiments like this that lead to the massive anxiety problems in young adults that other PPs have referred to. I think a lot of parents genuinely believe their kids should never encounter a “bad” kid, or a challenging interaction, and they become wildly unprepared for adulthood.

I get the sense a lot of PPs who are telling OP to cut off the relationship haven’t seen the outcomes in teens these days. They are so fragile.

Np and no. I’m not going put my kids in a situation where they will be hit. What kind of a parent does that?

It isn’t just being hit. If someone makes you uncomfortable it’s ok to say you don’t want to be around them and have that respected. A friend of mine had a child like this. He is older now and now longer violent. But he still has major behavioral and impulse issues. He says awkward and inappropriate things frequently. He makes my kids uncomfortable even though they are all tweens now. We don’t do family gatherings anymore, but we go out with the parents every now and then. I don’t spend my leisure time with adults that make me uncomfortable so why would I force this on my kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely the play tme is running a bit too long for the kid. How long are your get-togethers? Does his acting out start the minute he arrives, or does it begin surfacing after 45 to an hour, or longer? If it takes awhile, then he's reached his limit and maxxed out on sensory overload.

One of my kids was like that, and I had to watch closely for when she was ramping up toward meltdown, and we would go home before that point. We might be there for one hour and then sorry, we have to get going. Some children are just more sentitive to stimuli -- maybe they're a tiny bit on the spectrum, etc. -- and they melt down after too much exposure time to social chaos, loudness, etc.

Since this is a friend's child, you might gently hint that maybe her son is getting tired and needs to go home?

Better yet, limit these get-togethers to OUTSIDE the house, at a local park with a nice playground, where he cannot do damage to anyone's home. That's a no-brainer that should have already happened here. Put on a coat, meet at the playground.

If this mom is showing up, the gathering is going to be outside.

I would encourage you to find ways not to drop this mom, who is probably rather isolated already due to her son's behavior.

Not to pick on you, but this is an example of a post that puts OP's DD in a situation that she doesnt want to be in, to make either OP or the other mom, or the other kid feel better.

Unless you're suggesting that OP meet at a playground but not bring her DD?

+ 1.

NP. Question for both of you: do you believe your child should never encounter situations she doesn’t want to be in? It is sentiments like this that lead to the massive anxiety problems in young adults that other PPs have referred to. I think a lot of parents genuinely believe their kids should never encounter a “bad” kid, or a challenging interaction, and they become wildly unprepared for adulthood.

I get the sense a lot of PPs who are telling OP to cut off the relationship haven’t seen the outcomes in teens these days. They are so fragile.

So the problem with kids these days is they haven't been attacked by their "friends" enough and are weak wusses? Good to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely the play tme is running a bit too long for the kid. How long are your get-togethers? Does his acting out start the minute he arrives, or does it begin surfacing after 45 to an hour, or longer? If it takes awhile, then he's reached his limit and maxxed out on sensory overload.

One of my kids was like that, and I had to watch closely for when she was ramping up toward meltdown, and we would go home before that point. We might be there for one hour and then sorry, we have to get going. Some children are just more sentitive to stimuli -- maybe they're a tiny bit on the spectrum, etc. -- and they melt down after too much exposure time to social chaos, loudness, etc.

Since this is a friend's child, you might gently hint that maybe her son is getting tired and needs to go home?

Better yet, limit these get-togethers to OUTSIDE the house, at a local park with a nice playground, where he cannot do damage to anyone's home. That's a no-brainer that should have already happened here. Put on a coat, meet at the playground.

If this mom is showing up, the gathering is going to be outside.

I would encourage you to find ways not to drop this mom, who is probably rather isolated already due to her son's behavior.

Not to pick on you, but this is an example of a post that puts OP's DD in a situation that she doesnt want to be in, to make either OP or the other mom, or the other kid feel better.

Unless you're suggesting that OP meet at a playground but not bring her DD?

+ 1.

NP. Question for both of you: do you believe your child should never encounter situations she doesn’t want to be in? It is sentiments like this that lead to the massive anxiety problems in young adults that other PPs have referred to. I think a lot of parents genuinely believe their kids should never encounter a “bad” kid, or a challenging interaction, and they become wildly unprepared for adulthood.

I get the sense a lot of PPs who are telling OP to cut off the relationship haven’t seen the outcomes in teens these days. They are so fragile.

Np and no. I’m not going put my kids in a situation where they will be hit. What kind of a parent does that?

DP. Saying that the boy "hits" is, as someone else pointed out, nonspecific and non-unique (other kids hit too, especially when the adults don't see). Another complaint against this boy is that he made other kids cry - besties make their friends cry, boyfriend/girlfriends make their GF/BF cry, losing makes some kids cry, getting the wrong color candy makes some other kids cry, etc.

There are a lot of protected kids on this thread - they are whisked away whenever another kid is bad and does something wrong, hurtful, dangerous, intentionally or unintentionally, at any time in the present or past.

No wonder teens stare at their phones all day. Dealing with people IRL is too difficult, too messy, too unpredictable and scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have friends with a destructive and nasty (he hits, kicks people and pets) son. We had to completely stop inviting them to our house and now only get together anywhere but our house. He is hyperactive add and is slightly better now (7 yo) but he’s never welcome back at my house. He traumatized my cats by pulling their tails and hitting them. The last time we saw them at the park he ran up to me and hit me.

You should have hit him back. Maybe this would teach him not to hit people.

And cats. If he had touched my cats he wouldn't be sitting down for a week, mom friend or not.

People have threatened violence against my young disabled child on numerous occasions. To be clear, he's not violent - no hitting, etc. of others, no throwing things, no ripping sconces from walls - but he has had some big public meltdowns. He is autistic and has an intellectual disability. Someone once tried to get right up in his face, yelling at him and threatening to strangle him. My son was 6 at the time.

When my son was about 4 and we were calmly holding hands and walking down a sidewalk, a random dog ran up to him and bit him repeatedly. I had to pull the dog off of him. The owner told me it was my son's fault because he "walks weird has a jarring voice".

It's truly awful what some (many) people thing about children, and people in general, with disabilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: do you believe your child should never encounter situations she doesn’t want to be in? It is sentiments like this that lead to the massive anxiety problems in young adults that other PPs have referred to. I think a lot of parents genuinely believe their kids should never encounter a “bad” kid, or a challenging interaction, and they become wildly unprepared for adulthood.

Do you believe your child should be put in an abusive situation to make yourself feel inclusive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: do you believe your child should never encounter situations she doesn’t want to be in? It is sentiments like this that lead to the massive anxiety problems in young adults that other PPs have referred to. I think a lot of parents genuinely believe their kids should never encounter a “bad” kid, or a challenging interaction, and they become wildly unprepared for adulthood.

Do you believe your child should be put in an abusive situation to make yourself feel inclusive?

A wild child who behaves a little bit wilder than other kids isn't an abusive situation. You are proving PP's point about raising unprepared children into unprepared adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
There are a lot of protected kids on this thread - they are whisked away whenever another kid is bad and does something wrong, hurtful, dangerous, intentionally or unintentionally, at any time in the present or past.

Duh. We teach kids that if someone is hurting you and ignores your boundaries, then you must leave the abusive situation and set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: do you believe your child should never encounter situations she doesn’t want to be in? It is sentiments like this that lead to the massive anxiety problems in young adults that other PPs have referred to. I think a lot of parents genuinely believe their kids should never encounter a “bad” kid, or a challenging interaction, and they become wildly unprepared for adulthood.

Do you believe your child should be put in an abusive situation to make yourself feel inclusive?

A wild child who behaves a little bit wilder than other kids isn't an abusive situation. You are proving PP's point about raising unprepared children into unprepared adults.

Hurting people and destroying property doesn't qualify as "a little bit wilder".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: do you believe your child should never encounter situations she doesn’t want to be in? It is sentiments like this that lead to the massive anxiety problems in young adults that other PPs have referred to. I think a lot of parents genuinely believe their kids should never encounter a “bad” kid, or a challenging interaction, and they become wildly unprepared for adulthood.

Do you believe your child should be put in an abusive situation to make yourself feel inclusive?

A wild child who behaves a little bit wilder than other kids isn't an abusive situation. You are proving PP's point about raising unprepared children into unprepared adults.

Hurting people and destroying property doesn't qualify as "a little bit wilder".

If you tell me that your kids and their friends have never broken anything in your house, I'm going to tell you that you have girls. Calm girls. "Destroying property" is a part of raising children. It happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: do you believe your child should never encounter situations she doesn’t want to be in? It is sentiments like this that lead to the massive anxiety problems in young adults that other PPs have referred to. I think a lot of parents genuinely believe their kids should never encounter a “bad” kid, or a challenging interaction, and they become wildly unprepared for adulthood.

Do you believe your child should be put in an abusive situation to make yourself feel inclusive?

A wild child who behaves a little bit wilder than other kids isn't an abusive situation. You are proving PP's point about raising unprepared children into unprepared adults.

You people are nuts.


The kid has shown a pattern of hitting other kids. OP's kid has said "you now what? I don't like being hit by other kids; I'd rather not spend any time with that person."

And some people on here are just ignoring that....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have friends with a destructive and nasty (he hits, kicks people and pets) son. We had to completely stop inviting them to our house and now only get together anywhere but our house. He is hyperactive add and is slightly better now (7 yo) but he’s never welcome back at my house. He traumatized my cats by pulling their tails and hitting them. The last time we saw them at the park he ran up to me and hit me.

You should have hit him back. Maybe this would teach him not to hit people.

And cats. If he had touched my cats he wouldn't be sitting down for a week, mom friend or not.

People have threatened violence against my young disabled child on numerous occasions. To be clear, he's not violent - no hitting, etc. of others, no throwing things, no ripping sconces from walls - but he has had some big public meltdowns. He is autistic and has an intellectual disability. Someone once tried to get right up in his face, yelling at him and threatening to strangle him. My son was 6 at the time.

When my son was about 4 and we were calmly holding hands and walking down a sidewalk, a random dog ran up to him and bit him repeatedly. I had to pull the dog off of him. The owner told me it was my son's fault because he "walks weird has a jarring voice".

It's truly awful what some (many) people thing about children, and people in general, with disabilities.

So you would agree with people that it's not a good idea to put kids in potentially unsafe situations. Being bit by the dog isn't going to better prepare him for the future.