Friend with bad child being iced out of friend group

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read the whole thread. But all I want to say is, the moral and ethical values that we claim to espouse do not always apply when things are easy. In fact they are intended to apply when things are hard. “It takes a village to raise a child.” “Visit the sick and imprisoned.” “I have not come to call the righteous, but the sinners.” Do unto others. Every major faith and ethical code calls for helping those who struggle.

That doesn’t mean that anyone has to put their children or their sconces at risk. But it does mean that you ought to make some effort to support a family in a tough situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We teach our children to have boundaries. We teach them that if they're treated badly - when someone is physically hurting them or makes them afraid - use boundaries.

This behavior is not acceptable and should not be tolerated.

Kindness and inclusion here can be extended to the mom, alone, without her child.

\

I'm really glad you just came out and said it. No kindness for the disabled child. And people wonder why parents with "bad" children don't confide in them?

Your reading comprehension is terrible.

Nope. She read it just fine.

Nope. Both of your reading comprehension is terrible.

No, it’s pretty clear.

“Kindness and inclusion here can be extended to the mom, alone, without her child.”

[Anonymous]

It’s clear that op should stay friends with the mom. I have a son with autism, anxiety and adhd (now 21) who has never been violent. He would have been terrified of being around someone like op’s friend’s kid. We all have no idea if the child has a diagnosis or not but ripping a sconce off a wall and hitting other kids is extreme. If op’s friend blew it off she may not understand that it is outside the range of normal or be in denial. A friend of mine (who I met when our kids were older) told me about a mutual friend’s kids. She said they had always been obnoxious and the parents (our mutual friend) had no idea how to control them. No diagnosis - just rowdy, rambunctious kids who were never really disciplined. They are now college graduates with good jobs who knows how this little boy will turn out? He may turn out fine like my friends kids or he may end up having real problems and end up with a diagnosis like ODD (I sure hope not). But in the meantime, op does not have to subject her kids to someone who hurts them and who they don’t enjoy. If the mom doesn’t have a sitter, keep up the phone calls and text threads. The kids will be in school eventually and you can have lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read the whole thread. But all I want to say is, the moral and ethical values that we claim to espouse do not always apply when things are easy. In fact they are intended to apply when things are hard. “It takes a village to raise a child.” “Visit the sick and imprisoned.” “I have not come to call the righteous, but the sinners.” Do unto others. Every major faith and ethical code calls for helping those who struggle.

That doesn’t mean that anyone has to put their children or their sconces at risk. But it does mean that you ought to make some effort to support a family in a tough situation.

+1

But I do not think the people who think OP should sever ties would agree, especially the ones who got their posts deleted because of how awful they were about kids with disabilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a very active child and I am trying to understand how he could remove a sconce from a wall

+1

I also think there are a lot of parents here who relate to OP’s post.

+ 1.

No one is demanding private medical information from other families. But if you as a parent are snapping off here because you feel your cheeks burning because you similarly cannot guide your DC or predict bad situations to the degree that OP is describing (and she has shown no vitriol describing the mother or child), you’re pissed because you know you’re not being a good anything: parent, friend, neighbor; you’re not being kind, or fair, and you know it. And anonymously, there’s terrific freedom in calling that shit parenting as far as the burden you’re putting on other kids and their parents. Because it is.

I am the PP with a child with horrible meltdowns. I was responding to the particular nastiness of a poster who was implying parents give up when their child gets a diagnosis and the responders who blithely told me “just avoid situations where your kid melts down, as if that’s possible.

Yes lots of people have asked what is wrong with my child and what I’m doing to fix them. People are rude and nothing you say is good enough. They know better than the top developmental pediatrician at the best institute in the area.

I actually posted previously that I think it’s reasonable to limit contact if there’s really a lot of hitting. But keeping the door open for him to get better (some kids really do get better!!!) rather than writing him off as a bad kid and her is a bad mom would be kind.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize with you, and with the other family.

But honestly, I sometimes feel we make our kids hang out with other kids that they don't like, just so we don't feel bad.

If this boy is unable to control himself and routinely hits other children, then no, I'm not going to force my child to spend time with him....just so I can feel better about myself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with you, and with the other family.

But honestly, I sometimes feel we make our kids hang out with other kids that they don't like, just so we don't feel bad.

If this boy is unable to control himself and routinely hits other children, then no, I'm not going to force my child to spend time with him....just so I can feel better about myself

I think literally no one is saying the OP should make her child hang out w/ the kid who hits them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with you, and with the other family.

But honestly, I sometimes feel we make our kids hang out with other kids that they don't like, just so we don't feel bad.

If this boy is unable to control himself and routinely hits other children, then no, I'm not going to force my child to spend time with him....just so I can feel better about myself

I think literally no one is saying the OP should make her child hang out w/ the kid who hits them.

I think you struggle with “literally” and literacy. Responses advocating that OP maintain the friendship with the mom without the kids hanging out was critiqued for pages as “cruel” and showing no humanity to the hitting, destructive little boy, even as OP noted that he is the one child her DD has expressed she does not want to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with you, and with the other family.

But honestly, I sometimes feel we make our kids hang out with other kids that they don't like, just so we don't feel bad.

If this boy is unable to control himself and routinely hits other children, then no, I'm not going to force my child to spend time with him....just so I can feel better about myself

I think literally no one is saying the OP should make her child hang out w/ the kid who hits them.

+1

No one said she should force her kid to hang out with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with you, and with the other family.

But honestly, I sometimes feel we make our kids hang out with other kids that they don't like, just so we don't feel bad.

If this boy is unable to control himself and routinely hits other children, then no, I'm not going to force my child to spend time with him....just so I can feel better about myself

I think literally no one is saying the OP should make her child hang out w/ the kid who hits them.

+1

No one said she should force her kid to hang out with him.

Well, nobody said that verbatim.

But people did suggest that its cruel to ice out the kid, or to invite the Mom to hang but indicate that the kid cannot come.

That's essentially saying the same thing

[Anonymous]

Not PC to call someone a "bad child", but at least you are being honest.

[Anonymous]

Likely the play tme is running a bit too long for the kid. How long are your get-togethers? Does his acting out start the minute he arrives, or does it begin surfacing after 45 to an hour, or longer? If it takes awhile, then he's reached his limit and maxxed out on sensory overload.

One of my kids was like that, and I had to watch closely for when she was ramping up toward meltdown, and we would go home before that point. We might be there for one hour and then sorry, we have to get going. Some children are just more sentitive to stimuli -- maybe they're a tiny bit on the spectrum, etc. -- and they melt down after too much exposure time to social chaos, loudness, etc.

Since this is a friend's child, you might gently hint that maybe her son is getting tired and needs to go home?

Better yet, limit these get-togethers to OUTSIDE the house, at a local park with a nice playground, where he cannot do damage to anyone's home. That's a no-brainer that should have already happened here. Put on a coat, meet at the playground.

If this mom is showing up, the gathering is going to be outside.

I would encourage you to find ways not to drop this mom, who is probably rather isolated already due to her son's behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Likely the play tme is running a bit too long for the kid. How long are your get-togethers? Does his acting out start the minute he arrives, or does it begin surfacing after 45 to an hour, or longer? If it takes awhile, then he's reached his limit and maxxed out on sensory overload.

One of my kids was like that, and I had to watch closely for when she was ramping up toward meltdown, and we would go home before that point. We might be there for one hour and then sorry, we have to get going. Some children are just more sentitive to stimuli -- maybe they're a tiny bit on the spectrum, etc. -- and they melt down after too much exposure time to social chaos, loudness, etc.

Since this is a friend's child, you might gently hint that maybe her son is getting tired and needs to go home?

Better yet, limit these get-togethers to OUTSIDE the house, at a local park with a nice playground, where he cannot do damage to anyone's home. That's a no-brainer that should have already happened here. Put on a coat, meet at the playground.

If this mom is showing up, the gathering is going to be outside.

I would encourage you to find ways not to drop this mom, who is probably rather isolated already due to her son's behavior.

Not to pick on you, but this is an example of a post that puts OP's DD in a situation that she doesnt want to be in, to make either OP or the other mom, or the other kid feel better.

Unless you're suggesting that OP meet at a playground but not bring her DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with you, and with the other family.

But honestly, I sometimes feel we make our kids hang out with other kids that they don't like, just so we don't feel bad.

If this boy is unable to control himself and routinely hits other children, then no, I'm not going to force my child to spend time with him....just so I can feel better about myself

I think literally no one is saying the OP should make her child hang out w/ the kid who hits them.

+1

No one said she should force her kid to hang out with him.

Well, nobody said that verbatim.

But people did suggest that its cruel to ice out the kid, or to invite the Mom to hang but indicate that the kid cannot come.

That's essentially saying the same thing

This. This is what was actually posted and with all the histrionics “just dump the mom it’s kinder!” of course this is what was meant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Likely the play tme is running a bit too long for the kid. How long are your get-togethers? Does his acting out start the minute he arrives, or does it begin surfacing after 45 to an hour, or longer? If it takes awhile, then he's reached his limit and maxxed out on sensory overload.

One of my kids was like that, and I had to watch closely for when she was ramping up toward meltdown, and we would go home before that point. We might be there for one hour and then sorry, we have to get going. Some children are just more sentitive to stimuli -- maybe they're a tiny bit on the spectrum, etc. -- and they melt down after too much exposure time to social chaos, loudness, etc.

Since this is a friend's child, you might gently hint that maybe her son is getting tired and needs to go home?

Better yet, limit these get-togethers to OUTSIDE the house, at a local park with a nice playground, where he cannot do damage to anyone's home. That's a no-brainer that should have already happened here. Put on a coat, meet at the playground.

If this mom is showing up, the gathering is going to be outside.

I would encourage you to find ways not to drop this mom, who is probably rather isolated already due to her son's behavior.

Not to pick on you, but this is an example of a post that puts OP's DD in a situation that she doesnt want to be in, to make either OP or the other mom, or the other kid feel better.

Unless you're suggesting that OP meet at a playground but not bring her DD?

+ 1.