Dating for 4 months and he said "not ready" for relationship- I walked away, now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP wants 100% or nothing. Lower your expectations or remain single.

Disagree… I am the PP above who wrote that the guy is literal and unimaginative. I think you cannot be a romantic and be in a relationship with someone like this unless they are willing to go all in practically. You are never going to get some fantasy blah blahs to keep your heart pumping so the guy needs to want to at least be present, like a rock. Like a rock he will probably move slowly toward that. Anyway — I wrote above that OP will need to compromise, probably this guy will need to compromise and want to do things OP wants him to do even if in his practical, self sufficient way he sees it as totally unnecessary. Depends on how much he likes her. It is smart of her to tell him he can have all or nothing as a guy like this will continue on putting in what is minimum to maintain as long as he doesn’t see the necessity of changing.

Different poster here, agree with you. I am a woman and the unromantic one….I wouldn’t have thought to say I was “100% in” on someone because to me that seems like a proposal of marriage kind of commitment. I gather a lot of DCUM would think it means way less than that.

Luckily my DH, who is a romantic, fell partially in love with my no-nonsense practicality…but I too think that OP isn’t going to be happy with solid and dependable. It won’t be enough. In some ways it is too bad, because marriage is a long time and being solid and reliable is not a bad thing long term! But it’s not a fit for OP.

He is probably the type, like me, who sees movies where people more or less make love in a rainstorm, and all he can think about is that they are ruining their shoes. At least I am self-aware!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP wants 100% or nothing. Lower your expectations or remain single.

Disagree… I am the PP above who wrote that the guy is literal and unimaginative. I think you cannot be a romantic and be in a relationship with someone like this unless they are willing to go all in practically. You are never going to get some fantasy blah blahs to keep your heart pumping so the guy needs to want to at least be present, like a rock. Like a rock he will probably move slowly toward that. Anyway — I wrote above that OP will need to compromise, probably this guy will need to compromise and want to do things OP wants him to do even if in his practical, self sufficient way he sees it as totally unnecessary. Depends on how much he likes her. It is smart of her to tell him he can have all or nothing as a guy like this will continue on putting in what is minimum to maintain as long as he doesn’t see the necessity of changing.

Different poster here, agree with you. I am a woman and the unromantic one….I wouldn’t have thought to say I was “100% in” on someone because to me that seems like a proposal of marriage kind of commitment. I gather a lot of DCUM would think it means way less than that.

Luckily my DH, who is a romantic, fell partially in love with my no-nonsense practicality…but I too think that OP isn’t going to be happy with solid and dependable. It won’t be enough. In some ways it is too bad, because marriage is a long time and being solid and reliable is not a bad thing long term! But it’s not a fit for OP.

He is probably the type, like me, who sees movies where people more or less make love in a rainstorm, and all he can think about is that they are ruining their shoes. At least I am self-aware!

It's one thing to be unromantic, but this guy also refused to call on the phone (text only), and didn't initiate any plans more than 2-3 days ahead of time. That's a little different, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP wants 100% or nothing. Lower your expectations or remain single.

Disagree… I am the PP above who wrote that the guy is literal and unimaginative. I think you cannot be a romantic and be in a relationship with someone like this unless they are willing to go all in practically. You are never going to get some fantasy blah blahs to keep your heart pumping so the guy needs to want to at least be present, like a rock. Like a rock he will probably move slowly toward that. Anyway — I wrote above that OP will need to compromise, probably this guy will need to compromise and want to do things OP wants him to do even if in his practical, self sufficient way he sees it as totally unnecessary. Depends on how much he likes her. It is smart of her to tell him he can have all or nothing as a guy like this will continue on putting in what is minimum to maintain as long as he doesn’t see the necessity of changing.

Different poster here, agree with you. I am a woman and the unromantic one….I wouldn’t have thought to say I was “100% in” on someone because to me that seems like a proposal of marriage kind of commitment. I gather a lot of DCUM would think it means way less than that.

Luckily my DH, who is a romantic, fell partially in love with my no-nonsense practicality…but I too think that OP isn’t going to be happy with solid and dependable. It won’t be enough. In some ways it is too bad, because marriage is a long time and being solid and reliable is not a bad thing long term! But it’s not a fit for OP.

He is probably the type, like me, who sees movies where people more or less make love in a rainstorm, and all he can think about is that they are ruining their shoes. At least I am self-aware!

Eh you're projecting some aspie fantasy on this guy. OP said he wouldn't ever call her or make plans more than a couple of days in advance. This isn't some dependable, solid guy who's simply too literal for romantic OP. OP was the one just trying to settle on what their relationship actually is - she wants someone who will make some d**n plans with her in advance, and this guy's still hedging. I think he's just trying to have his cake and eat it too, OP correctly perceived that, and so she made the mature decision to get out of this relationship and find one that better suits her need for stability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP wants 100% or nothing. Lower your expectations or remain single.

Disagree… I am the PP above who wrote that the guy is literal and unimaginative. I think you cannot be a romantic and be in a relationship with someone like this unless they are willing to go all in practically. You are never going to get some fantasy blah blahs to keep your heart pumping so the guy needs to want to at least be present, like a rock. Like a rock he will probably move slowly toward that. Anyway — I wrote above that OP will need to compromise, probably this guy will need to compromise and want to do things OP wants him to do even if in his practical, self sufficient way he sees it as totally unnecessary. Depends on how much he likes her. It is smart of her to tell him he can have all or nothing as a guy like this will continue on putting in what is minimum to maintain as long as he doesn’t see the necessity of changing.

Different poster here, agree with you. I am a woman and the unromantic one….I wouldn’t have thought to say I was “100% in” on someone because to me that seems like a proposal of marriage kind of commitment. I gather a lot of DCUM would think it means way less than that.

Luckily my DH, who is a romantic, fell partially in love with my no-nonsense practicality…but I too think that OP isn’t going to be happy with solid and dependable. It won’t be enough. In some ways it is too bad, because marriage is a long time and being solid and reliable is not a bad thing long term! But it’s not a fit for OP.

He is probably the type, like me, who sees movies where people more or less make love in a rainstorm, and all he can think about is that they are ruining their shoes. At least I am self-aware!

Eh you're projecting some aspie fantasy on this guy. OP said he wouldn't ever call her or make plans more than a couple of days in advance. This isn't some dependable, solid guy who's simply too literal for romantic OP. OP was the one just trying to settle on what their relationship actually is - she wants someone who will make some d**n plans with her in advance, and this guy's still hedging. I think he's just trying to have his cake and eat it too, OP correctly perceived that, and so she made the mature decision to get out of this relationship and find one that better suits her need for stability.

Yeah he didn't seem solid and reliable. He seemed like a guy who mostly wanted sex and texting, and wasn't willing to move the relationship forward.

[Anonymous]

OP, at coffee did you ask him why you've never met his friends.

In four months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, at coffee did you ask him why you've never met his friends.

In four months?

OP: he recently moved to DC from the UK so he's actively trying to make friends. I didn't want to make him feel bad as I'm pretty sure that's the reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP wants 100% or nothing. Lower your expectations or remain single.

Disagree… I am the PP above who wrote that the guy is literal and unimaginative. I think you cannot be a romantic and be in a relationship with someone like this unless they are willing to go all in practically. You are never going to get some fantasy blah blahs to keep your heart pumping so the guy needs to want to at least be present, like a rock. Like a rock he will probably move slowly toward that. Anyway — I wrote above that OP will need to compromise, probably this guy will need to compromise and want to do things OP wants him to do even if in his practical, self sufficient way he sees it as totally unnecessary. Depends on how much he likes her. It is smart of her to tell him he can have all or nothing as a guy like this will continue on putting in what is minimum to maintain as long as he doesn’t see the necessity of changing.

Different poster here, agree with you. I am a woman and the unromantic one….I wouldn’t have thought to say I was “100% in” on someone because to me that seems like a proposal of marriage kind of commitment. I gather a lot of DCUM would think it means way less than that.

Luckily my DH, who is a romantic, fell partially in love with my no-nonsense practicality…but I too think that OP isn’t going to be happy with solid and dependable. It won’t be enough. In some ways it is too bad, because marriage is a long time and being solid and reliable is not a bad thing long term! But it’s not a fit for OP.

He is probably the type, like me, who sees movies where people more or less make love in a rainstorm, and all he can think about is that they are ruining their shoes. At least I am self-aware!

Eh you're projecting some aspie fantasy on this guy. OP said he wouldn't ever call her or make plans more than a couple of days in advance. This isn't some dependable, solid guy who's simply too literal for romantic OP. OP was the one just trying to settle on what their relationship actually is - she wants someone who will make some d**n plans with her in advance, and this guy's still hedging. I think he's just trying to have his cake and eat it too, OP correctly perceived that, and so she made the mature decision to get out of this relationship and find one that better suits her need for stability.

Eh, I don’t know about that. Many people don’t like talking on the phone. They did talk about going somewhere during the holidays…and that was still weeks away.

Being literal is not “aspie”, BTW, and that is not a term that empathetic people use.

I don’t think the guy is just looking for a quick lay if he has been seeing her 2-3 times a week for 4 months, but she blindsided him. Either way. Too much drama for me.

[Anonymous]

Did he agree to call more or make more plans? Or just the 80% in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he agree to call more or make more plans? Or just the 80% in?

OP: he said he didn't realize I was free the week after Christmas to do something and he should have asked (I definitely told him). He didn't agree to call but said, "if you want to talk on the phone sometime let me know- I'm not very proactive in that area."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he agree to call more or make more plans? Or just the 80% in?

OP: he said he didn't realize I was free the week after Christmas to do something and he should have asked (I definitely told him). He didn't agree to call but said, "if you want to talk on the phone sometime let me know- I'm not very proactive in that area."

You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he agree to call more or make more plans? Or just the 80% in?

OP: he said he didn't realize I was free the week after Christmas to do something and he should have asked (I definitely told him). He didn't agree to call but said, "if you want to talk on the phone sometime let me know- I'm not very proactive in that area."

He is lazy and this is him showing you his absolute best. You made the right decision to end it. 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, at coffee did you ask him why you've never met his friends.

In four months?

OP: he recently moved to DC from the UK so he's actively trying to make friends. I didn't want to make him feel bad as I'm pretty sure that's the reason.

Ohhhh he’s British. Why didn’t you say so before? There may be some cultural norms here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, at coffee did you ask him why you've never met his friends.

In four months?

OP: he recently moved to DC from the UK so he's actively trying to make friends. I didn't want to make him feel bad as I'm pretty sure that's the reason.

Ohhhh he’s British. Why didn’t you say so before? There may be some cultural norms here.

OP did him a favor. With that accent, he'll had someone where he won't have to put up with OP's BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, at coffee did you ask him why you've never met his friends.

In four months?

OP: he recently moved to DC from the UK so he's actively trying to make friends. I didn't want to make him feel bad as I'm pretty sure that's the reason.

Ohhhh he’s British. Why didn’t you say so before? There may be some cultural norms here.

Like what? British people don't want bf/gf relationships after 4 months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, at coffee did you ask him why you've never met his friends.

In four months?

OP: he recently moved to DC from the UK so he's actively trying to make friends. I didn't want to make him feel bad as I'm pretty sure that's the reason.

Ohhhh he’s British. Why didn’t you say so before? There may be some cultural norms here.

Like what? British people don't want bf/gf relationships after 4 months?

A lot of understatement. 80% from a British person is like 100% from an American, generally speaking. Can’t say about this person.