Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are out of line.

+1

OP, you have NO idea what went on in your brother's marriage. None.

If your brother marries his GF and they have children, you are setting yourself up to be estranged from their family. Is that what you want?

Begin as you mean to go on.

I don't get the "it's now or never" type of attitude. OP or anyone else can take their damn time making their decision about when/if to get to know this new person. Just because they don't want to meet a new person at major family holidays doesn't mean never.

Soooo many cheating spouses take this attitude with family: ok, I did it, but now you forgive me and move on and I demand you accept it all...NOW! Sounds like a 2 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are out of line.

+1

OP, you have NO idea what went on in your brother's marriage. None.

If your brother marries his GF and they have children, you are setting yourself up to be estranged from their family. Is that what you want?

Begin as you mean to go on.

Brother should have done the right thing and gotten divorced first before dating. Regardless of what happened in his marriage, that would have been the respectable thing to do. Any woman who respects herself would have demanded the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need to know if I am out of line here. My brother left his now ex wife for another woman. In our family we refer to her as the mistress or side piece. We are still very fond of SIL and have stayed in touch and maintained a friendship.

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

I am hosting TG this year and mom is hosting Christmas. We told bro she is not invited and to leave her at home. I was kind of condescending when I told him. He said she is his girlfriend and we have no business banning her from family events. He says his kids barely speak to him and have refused to meet her and he has no choice but to accept their stance but we should be more supportive since we are his family.

I don't think a family holiday is an appropriate venue to meet her. There would be a tension there. Bro is lucky he is still invited to family events. Are we in the wrong for not letting her attend since he is now divorced and his official GF. *gag*

Well, you lied to him. You said you didn't want her around until his divorce was final. Now you say you don't ever want to meet her or host her. So you are wrong for that.

I think you should tell him, "I'm still really upset with you for the way you ended your marriage and I judge GF for her role in it. She's in your life and I see that, but I don't want to be upset about this over Christmas and I doubt you want to bring her to a place where everyone is cold to her either. Let's give it another 6 months for tempers to cool."

You need to recognize that you all keep moving the goal posts. You need to decide if you want to cut off brother forever or not. If not, you have to accept GF.

I agree. You moved the goalposts once; you only get to do that so many times before he gives up. If you make him choose, he might not choose you, especially if he feels you were unfair or strung him along. You think you control how long you get to punish him, but at some point, he's going to walk away. You're not his mommy, it's not really your place to punish him, and you admit that you are rude and condescending. What will you do if he marries this woman or has kids with her? What will you do if he just stops coming to family events?

All because he can't bring his fling for some turkey dinner? What a loser he must be. His soon to be ex-girlfriend must be so proud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well, you lied to him. You said you didn't want her around until his divorce was final. Now you say you don't ever want to meet her or host her. So you are wrong for that.

I think you should tell him, "I'm still really upset with you for the way you ended your marriage and I judge GF for her role in it. She's in your life and I see that, but I don't want to be upset about this over Christmas and I doubt you want to bring her to a place where everyone is cold to her either. Let's give it another 6 months for tempers to cool."

You need to recognize that you all keep moving the goal posts. You need to decide if you want to cut off brother forever or not. If not, you have to accept GF.

I agree. You moved the goalposts once; you only get to do that so many times before he gives up. If you make him choose, he might not choose you, especially if he feels you were unfair or strung him along. You think you control how long you get to punish him, but at some point, he's going to walk away. You're not his mommy, it's not really your place to punish him, and you admit that you are rude and condescending. What will you do if he marries this woman or has kids with her? What will you do if he just stops coming to family events?

All because he can't bring his fling for some turkey dinner? What a loser he must be. His soon to be ex-girlfriend must be so proud.

If you're going to uninvite the girlfriend to Thanksgiving and Christmas, you at least need to explain the long-term plan: "Everyone is still a little raw over the fact that you cheated, and November/December is too soon. But if you want us to meet her over dinner at a restaurant sometime, we're willing to do that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Too much drama.

OP needs to stop contributing to the drama. She has plenty of opportunities to act intelligently to support her nieces and nephews, but this is not one of them. She’s making everything worse.

This. I say this as a child of a dad that cheated. It's not about you OP, stop making drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are out of line.

+1

OP, you have NO idea what went on in your brother's marriage. None.

If your brother marries his GF and they have children, you are setting yourself up to be estranged from their family. Is that what you want?

Begin as you mean to go on.

Brother should have done the right thing and gotten divorced first before dating. Regardless of what happened in his marriage, that would have been the respectable thing to do. Any woman who respects herself would have demanded the same.

Is OP without sin? Are we going to pick and coose which morals to support. It's time to move on it's ultimately what is best for the kids, they don't need an aunt creating drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you've gone to far. If you want to maintain a relationship with your brother you need to accept his GF. You don't have to like her or be her best friend but you need to be civil and that includes inviting her to events. I would be cautious about picking the ex-SIL over your brother. She's not your family and will eventually move on. Some day she will have a new man in her life who will not be excited about her hanging around with her ex-husband's family.

+1. Op and family excluding the brother and gf are being mean.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of people are reacting to how you judge this woman you don't even know for one sin, dismissing her as "the side piece", when for all you know, she could be a far better human being than any of you.

Sure, you did not cheat on your husband. But you're very far from perfect, OP, and here you are showing a very petty and punitive side of yourself. Under pretext of "being on your ex-SIL's side" - which is meaningless, because a good person would be able to support her without creating all this drama - you appear to take pleasure in needling your brother, and calling his girlfriend names, and really prolonging the pain of the betrayal and separation. It's as if you WANT everyone to suffer as much as possible, by keeping them in that holding pattern forever. You are also making your ex-SIL and her children suffer, by not moving on diplomatically.

You are on no one's side. You just like the attention you're getting as moral arbiter. Please get down from your fake pedestal and start acting humanely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was previously married. We met 2 years post divorce.
His family chose his exwife side during the divorce.
By the time I started dating him, exwife had a boyfriend as well and was pulling away from her exILs. Today, they have no interaction.
Once we were married, ILs tried to cozy back up with their son. It was too late. They burned that bridge.
Be careful what you do, OP. I get that you like exwife, but she isn’t family.

Well when it is your niece’s mom, she kind of is, right? Not like a brother but she isn’t nothing to OP’s family.

Yeah, DP, but I still consider my brother's ex wife to be my sister in law. We are close. And she's been amazing letting my mom and I spend time with our niece and nephew. Because she put what's best for her kids above her own self interests. Which likely would have been to ditch my mom and I when my brother went nuts. She definitely was the mature one all around.

Hmm I’ve never been in this situation before but I don’t think you get to pick your family. Your family is now larger and includes an ex wife and a new girlfriend. Obviously it wouldn’t make sense to include them all together at the same time, but I think you need to make room for both. If the new gf is your brother’s new life partner, then you have to include her.

[Anonymous]

Why would the side piece even want to come to this? If I was her I wouldn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think a lot of people are reacting to how you judge this woman you don't even know for one sin, dismissing her as "the side piece", when for all you know, she could be a far better human being than any of you.

Sure, you did not cheat on your husband. But you're very far from perfect, OP, and here you are showing a very petty and punitive side of yourself. Under pretext of "being on your ex-SIL's side" - which is meaningless, because a good person would be able to support her without creating all this drama - you appear to take pleasure in needling your brother, and calling his girlfriend names, and really prolonging the pain of the betrayal and separation. It's as if you WANT everyone to suffer as much as possible, by keeping them in that holding pattern forever. You are also making your ex-SIL and her children suffer, by not moving on diplomatically.

You are on no one's side. You just like the attention you're getting as moral arbiter. Please get down from your fake pedestal and start acting humanely.

100% all of this. From someone who has first-hand knowledge of a family and marriage breaking up, it's not about you. you are not helping. just stop. And I would not want my sil doing this " on my behalf" Call me . Meetu up for coffe or lunch, come visit the kids etc, but don't engage in petty stuff tha will make my life more difficult.
The last thing I need is an ex blaming me for trying to alienate him and the kids from the family, how do you think that will play out for me?

[Anonymous]

You’re definitely out of line. This is an extended family grudge that you have no business having. Your job is to move on and try to be a neutral party. I can’t see WHY she would want to come, but if she does please try not to be a jerk.

- Married for 15+ years never a side piece

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another sister in her brother's business and up his arse. Leave him be. Don't even invite him if you can't be civil to his girlfriend. (Sorry, babe; she's not a "mistress" or a "side piece" anymore. He is divorced and he has a girlfriend.)

Get a life, honestly. What is with you women who sniff around your brother's business all the time? And yes, I have a brother.

If it's an event at her house, it's her business. Outside of that, leave him alone.

Which is why I said “don’t even invite him if you can’t be civil to his girlfriend,” dummy.

[Anonymous]

How long since brother & SIL seperated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another sister in her brother's business and up his arse. Leave him be. Don't even invite him if you can't be civil to his girlfriend. (Sorry, babe; she's not a "mistress" or a "side piece" anymore. He is divorced and he has a girlfriend.)

Get a life, honestly. What is with you women who sniff around your brother's business all the time? And yes, I have a brother.

If it's an event at her house, it's her business. Outside of that, leave him alone.

Which is why I said “don’t even invite him if you can’t be civil to his girlfriend,” dummy.

Oh now we care about manners and civility