Twin play date, one twin left out…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP: You asked so here’s my answer. My kid who is a 5 yo twin needs to “learn how to separate “ in order to play with your kid who needs “just the right dynamic “ in a play date. You don’t care about my other twins feelings in the slightest because “you and your DC didn’t invite and don’t like the other twin” and your DC can’t adjust but mine can. Furthermore it’s rude for me to even think about my other twins feelings because you and your kids feelings come first and foremost. And you wonder why I think you are intolerant and perhaps your kid a bit of a brat?

Despite your failure to use the quote function, I assume you are replying to my question (which I reproduced below). If you or anyone else reads it, you'll see the PP (who was not me - I'm a mom of G/B twins) said nothing even remotely like what you suggested, much less quoted. You fabricated a scenario to justify calling another poster's kid a brat. I'm not sure why you're so invested in defending a nasty (and unwarranted) attack on a child, but the other PP s right - it isn't a good look.

You keep doubling down on this, but the point remains, this is no different than any other parent requiring a sibling to tag along on every play date. Sure, I can make it work if I’m doing you a favor, but do I want every play date to be about YOU on your terms? Probably not. Sometimes there are family dynamics that are important for the host family too—did you ever think about that? Someone gave the example of a parent who has a baby in addition to the elementary school kid. I’ll give another. I have two kids and I tell each one they can invite one friend over. This works well for my family. If one kid gets 2 friends then my other kid wants 2 friends too and that’s way too many kids to supervise easily. Then the fun and enjoyable play date becomes work and exhausting.

The end result is both your kids will receive fewer invitations.



Yes I have met moms like you. Don’t want you. Don’t need you. Did anyone let you know your kid is a brat? Now might be a good time.



Not the pp but, lashing out a stranger's kid isn't a good look.



Not lashing out just replying in kind. You telling me how to raise my kids. Im telling you you don’t seem very nice. I don’t think your attitude is a good look.



NP - I've reread the previous post a couple of times, and can't find where the PP is "telling you how to raise your kids" - she's telling you how she sees and reacts to situations. Can you point it out?

And regardless, even if she did what you suggested, an attack on someone's kid is not "replying in kind."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here, I didn't realize this thread got crazy after the first page lol. So here is the update:

After I posted here I re-read the mom message and realized that she had suggested I could join them as an option. So I offered to join them with the other twin so we can all get to know each other before I sent DD alone next time and it was well received.

Now everyone can calm down or call me names? DCUrbanmoms never disappoint lol

This is great OP! I’m glad you figured out a great compromise.

For all the other twin moms insisting on together play dates, note that the inviting kid does want a play date just with the girl twin. There was no misunderstanding in the invitation.

Considering that kindergarten is often the beginning of drop off play dates, both moms were considerate towards each other. OP understood to offer to send her daughter without her brother the next time. The inviting mom understood that the invitees needed a transition period and OP is going to help supervise her son for the first play date.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The twin part is a red herring. This can be boiled down to "is it all right if I invite myself/my child to someone else's house/event?"

The answer will always be NO. The only very rare exception would be close friends and family who regularly have both children over at the same time. Definitely not acquaintances who know the second child exists and chose not to extend the invitation.

If you feel letting one child go to a playdate without the other child is too disruptive for your family, it is on YOU to say no thank you and decline altogether.

But, but, but, what about the BOND???"

I have never seen so many thirsty, jealous moms as when twins are brought up. Sorry you didn't win that lottery.

I assume IVF, let's be real. That wasn't a "lottery" many people wanted to win.

Not my experience. Had twins a few months after going off birth control. Totally spontaneous.

Of course it happens. But almost all the twins I know are from IVF because I know their moms and they have been open about it. It's not a big deal, but it's common enough that unless they are identical I will assume IVF unless told otherwise. Because that's the case with the advanced maternal age moms I see the most often.

You know what they compare assumptions to...

Well assuming people are motivated by jealousy is a pretty odd assumption. Don't be surprised when people make assumptions about you as well.

NP here. When I hear moms of twins insisting that anyone who doesn’t want to host both twins MUST be jealous, I am making an informed observation that you are a nasty person. I feel sorry for both your children and I'm glad they have each other to cope with a parent like you.

Hi - the jealousy I was referring to was the "bond" part. That seems to really irritate people and make them angry and I think it stems from jealousy. I don't think anyone should feel obligated to invite or host twins ever and that is definitely not why I said that.

I think you're misunderstanding. The bond is used, by some twin moms on this thread, to justify the need for people to include both twins.

This. No one is jealous that your twins have a special bond. They are annoyed that they are being told that they are supposed to invite both twins whether or not they want to, because of this bond.

Please pull out one comment in this thread where a mom says twins have to be invited together because of their bond. I'll wait.

I know, it so weird! No one said that but responders keep making this stuff up!

[Anonymous]

^Seriously? Look no further than the first post on this page!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^Seriously? Look no further than the first post on this page!

Ok, I just did. There is no post on the first page in support of mandatory play dates with both twins due to their bond. It's not there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Seriously? Look no further than the first post on this page!

Ok, I just did. There is no post on the first page in support of mandatory play dates with both twins due to their bond. It's not there.

Sorry this page. That's not what the post is about.

[Anonymous]

No, use it as 1-1 time with your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^Seriously? Look no further than the first post on this page!

I did look. It said nothing of the sort. I’m sorry you are still confused but I will try again. Twin moms are saying have compassion that this is a hard thing for twins when it first happens. No one is saying you forevermore (or even ever) have to invite both. It is hard being a child rejected and bittersweet as a parent when your one child’s invitation causes your other one pain. It’s also tricky because this comes up in an unexpected fashion when the first new friend only invites one twin. A bit of a delicate touch and caring from a fellow mom would be so appreciated. I’m not one of the ppl speaking of a bond (mine are fraternal so maybe that’s more of an identical thing).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

Sounds like this mom is talking about the inseparable bond that can't be broken. Maybe it's just one OTT twin mom that people are reacting to.

[Anonymous]

After reading this thread, I’m kind of afraid to talk to moms of twins! You guys are insane!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

You must have missed all the twin moms posting telling op not to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you cannot ask the other family to include the twin. It's rude. You can ask the other mom if she would consider letting you host the first playdate at your house instead. But I wouldn't say the exact reason. I would say something like "it would be super helpful to me if Larlo could be occupied that day as well, so can we do it at my place and the kids will all play together?"

No, don’t do this. You can do another play date on another day at your house. But don’t try and take over someone else’s play date.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So nice to hear non-twin parents blocking friendships and penalizing kids based on a slightly awkward situation that is not at all within the kids’ control.

dp But is it really the non twin parent who is blocking friendships? It seems that twin parents are because you are not allowing individual friendships to blossom and you are elevating the twins' relationship. You are family and have tons of opportunity to bond with you twin when you are at home. Two hours away from your twin isn't going to kill anyone!

It isn’t about the difficulty being away from the other twin. I wouldn’t send both of my twins if only one was invited. It’s the idea that people don’t even want to bother inviting one twin because they feel guilty excluding the other one so they just exclude both. I agree it’s harder and there is no right answer, but it’s sad to see your kids get excluded literally just because they are twins and other parents don’t want to deal with that.

Being asked at every play date if the sibling can come is emotionally exhausting. Do I come off as a witch and say no? Do I ruin my child’s play date when they only want to play with one of the twins?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Seriously? Look no further than the first post on this page!

I did look. It said nothing of the sort. I’m sorry you are still confused but I will try again. Twin moms are saying have compassion that this is a hard thing for twins when it first happens. No one is saying you forevermore (or even ever) have to invite both. It is hard being a child rejected and bittersweet as a parent when your one child’s invitation causes your other one pain. It’s also tricky because this comes up in an unexpected fashion when the first new friend only invites one twin. A bit of a delicate touch and caring from a fellow mom would be so appreciated. I’m not one of the ppl speaking of a bond (mine are fraternal so maybe that’s more of an identical thing).

+1000 OP here, I read through most of the comments and I don’t see any twins mom saying to invite both kids. We are just asking for compassion as things are not so black or white. As for me I was hoping for a transition period, which I got since the mom agreed for me to bring the other twin to the FIRST play date. After this DD can go on her own and I have already prepared her brother. I hope most people here are more compassionate in real life! Peace out!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

+1 also twin mom. I agree on separating but the vitriol from non-twin moms is ridiculous. They just don't get it.

non-twin mom here. I don't agree with how the other people are presenting but, in my experience expecting twins to always do things together tends to limit friendships. My dd had twins sisters as friends and would have loved to done more things with the one twin because they had more in common. The other twin tended to dominate the shyer twin. But because of twin mom attitude ( you have to invite both or none) we didn't invite the one twin one so everyone missed out.

Just because they are twins, doesn't mean they are tied at the hips ( unless they are conjoined)

I am the PP. My point was that this is always an issue when you have twins. I agree with separation; I was not advocating that. But there are big feelings involved that non-twin moms do not understand. When I first starting separating my twins for activities, they both cried and were scared and didn't understand. One of my children asked why the kid didn't like her and genuinely thought she was being excluded on purpose. And I felt bad because I am their mother. Seeing your child in pain is difficult for both twin moms and singleton moms.

We worked through it and they are very independent now, but it doesn't help to hear harsh judgment from moms who have no idea what this is like. The bond is there and it is different and sometimes it is delicate to navigate. I don't think people need to accommodate this at all, I am just saying they could be a little nicer in the tone when giving advice about things they don't have any experience with.

NP. I think what is off putting here is the assumption by some twin moms that there are no non-twin siblings in the world that could possibly be as bonded/close as their twins. I hope that twin parents that feel both twins should be invited to everything are also inviting all siblings on playdates at their house. To the PP above who mentioned that it’s different with twins because they are used to getting all of the same things (ice cream and backpacks) – this is the case with all siblings who are close in age. My two DDs are almost 2 years apart. Their birthdays are a few days apart. They are absolutely used to getting the same things at the same time. They definitely complain that it’s not fair if one is having a playdate and they aren’t. That’s life.

OP, it would be incredibly rude to ask to include your son. The fact that your son “might not take it well” doesn’t justify imposing on this other mom who, understandably, didn’t feel like she needed to include the opposite gender sibling that isn’t even in her kid’s class. There are many things that kids don’t take well, but they still have to deal with it. If you feel this is going to be too problematic, I think you just need to turn down playdate invites.

Twin bond is different than siblings. Sorry, but it's true. I have identical twins and it is not the same as regular siblings, no matter how hard you are going to try and say it is. Read "One and the Same" by Abigail Pogrebin and educate yourself.

Most of the twins around here are fraternal due to fertility treatments. Not a lot different than kids born a year apart. GMAFB.

--another twin mom