Twin play date, one twin left out…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't ask. Someone asked me once and it really was too much for me to handle.

+1

I am always conscious that I have TWO kids, which is not the same as inviting a single class mate over.

[Anonymous]

OP has a nice update on Page 8. Sometimes the answer is very simple people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

Well, many of us who have replied ARE twin moms. But we are also cognizant of the fact that they are two separate people. I feel sorry for your twins.

[Anonymous]

PP: You asked so here’s my answer. My kid who is a 5 yo twin needs to “learn how to separate “ in order to play with your kid who needs “just the right dynamic “ in a play date. You don’t care about my other twins feelings in the slightest because “you and your DC didn’t invite and don’t like the other twin” and your DC can’t adjust but mine can. Furthermore it’s rude for me to even think about my other twins feelings because you and your kids feelings come first and foremost. And you wonder why I think you are intolerant and perhaps your kid a bit of a brat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 5 y o twin b/g. They are very close and usually have the same friends.
They are in different classrooms this year. The girl twin has a classroom friend she is got close to.
The mom is organizing a play date for her and my DD. I was wondering if it would be ok to ask if her twin can join?
He knows the girl and the 3 of them play together. They never had separate play date before and I don’t think he will take it well.
Also most of his friends are girls anyway which means DD would automatically be invited to any play date he might have.
I am wondering if I could ask for it for this one time while I ease him into doing his own stuffs.

If this ok to ask? If yes what is the best way to ask?

If the girl has played with your son then she knows he's a twin and yet she did not want him to come over. So no, he is not invited.

- twin mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ugh. Don’t ask. I know it’s hard to think outside your bubble but adding an extra kid does make a big difference to some people. I have a baby in addition to my 5 year old.

Play dates with one other child are manageable, but add in two unknown children and it’s chaotic. I simply do not have a enough hands to manage it at this point. Plus it completely changes the dynamic. It’s much harder to keep 3 kids quiet during nap time. It’s harder to keep track of where they are. Everything is harder. Don’t ask. It’s rude.

Twin mom. I totally get this and I think this is legit and I appreciate the honesty. I do get it. It’s just a bummer - parenting baby/toddler twins is SO incredibly difficult and isolating. And if I want to host a play date, I have to manage a minimum of three kids. It gets much easier as they all get older. As a twin parent, I would have been happy to stay to help or would have welcomed a meet up at a playground where the burden wasn’t all on you but where my kids weren’t just universally excluded.

These kids are in K, so they are not babies or toddlers. My twins are in second grade now, so I've been through this. Sure it sucks if one is invited to a birthday party and the other isn't, but that's life. Then the uninvited one gets to do something else fun. And generally, she's invited to the next party and her sister isn't. And sometimes they're both invited. But they don't have to do everything together!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So nice to hear non-twin parents blocking friendships and penalizing kids based on a slightly awkward situation that is not at all within the kids’ control.

dp But is it really the non twin parent who is blocking friendships? It seems that twin parents are because you are not allowing individual friendships to blossom and you are elevating the twins' relationship. You are family and have tons of opportunity to bond with you twin when you are at home. Two hours away from your twin isn't going to kill anyone!

If my kid had a friend and every time I hosted a play date that friend showed up with a sibling, I would stop inviting that friend too. Twins are just siblings - they are not a packaged unit. Additionally I have two kids close in age and I know how they play together and how they play with others. When it is my 2 kids and a 3rd friend, my kids can get more rambunctious and rougher with each other than they do with kids not in our family. I don’t want another parent to have to police my kids’ sibling squabbles and that is what I would be worried about by creating a 3 person play date with 2 kids who are not mine.

I'm a twin mom who thinks OP is wrong to even ask if her son could be included, but this statement of yours is wrong. Twins are in the same grade. They may also be in the same class at some schools. They very often have the exact same friends because everything they do is based on their age, which puts them on the same soccer team, for example. That is NOT the case with siblings, even Irish twins. I don't treat my twins as a single unit, but I am also not obtuse enough to not recognize that one not being invited to something can hurt. I just deal with it by not putting the onus on the parent who invited just one to do something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:The twin part is a red herring. This can be boiled down to "is it all right if I invite myself/my child to someone else's house/event?"

The answer will always be NO. The only very rare exception would be close friends and family who regularly have both children over at the same time. Definitely not acquaintances who know the second child exists and chose not to extend the invitation.

If you feel letting one child go to a playdate without the other child is too disruptive for your family, it is on YOU to say no thank you and decline altogether.

But, but, but, what about the BOND???"

I have never seen so many thirsty, jealous moms as when twins are brought up. Sorry you didn't win that lottery.

I assume IVF, let's be real. That wasn't a "lottery" many people wanted to win.

Not my experience. Had twins a few months after going off birth control. Totally spontaneous.

Of course it happens. But almost all the twins I know are from IVF because I know their moms and they have been open about it. It's not a big deal, but it's common enough that unless they are identical I will assume IVF unless told otherwise. Because that's the case with the advanced maternal age moms I see the most often.

You know what they compare assumptions to...

Well assuming people are motivated by jealousy is a pretty odd assumption. Don't be surprised when people make assumptions about you as well.

NP here. When I hear moms of twins insisting that anyone who doesn’t want to host both twins MUST be jealous, I am making an informed observation that you are a nasty person. I feel sorry for both your children and I'm glad they have each other to cope with a parent like you.

[Anonymous]

It has zero to do with being twins. Only one child was invited. It’s rude to try and include another sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The twin part is a red herring. This can be boiled down to "is it all right if I invite myself/my child to someone else's house/event?"

The answer will always be NO. The only very rare exception would be close friends and family who regularly have both children over at the same time. Definitely not acquaintances who know the second child exists and chose not to extend the invitation.

If you feel letting one child go to a playdate without the other child is too disruptive for your family, it is on YOU to say no thank you and decline altogether.

But, but, but, what about the BOND???"

I have never seen so many thirsty, jealous moms as when twins are brought up. Sorry you didn't win that lottery.

I assume IVF, let's be real. That wasn't a "lottery" many people wanted to win.

Not my experience. Had twins a few months after going off birth control. Totally spontaneous.

Of course it happens. But almost all the twins I know are from IVF because I know their moms and they have been open about it. It's not a big deal, but it's common enough that unless they are identical I will assume IVF unless told otherwise. Because that's the case with the advanced maternal age moms I see the most often.

You know what they compare assumptions to...

Well assuming people are motivated by jealousy is a pretty odd assumption. Don't be surprised when people make assumptions about you as well.

NP here. When I hear moms of twins insisting that anyone who doesn’t want to host both twins MUST be jealous, I am making an informed observation that you are a nasty person. I feel sorry for both your children and I'm glad they have each other to cope with a parent like you.

Hi - the jealousy I was referring to was the "bond" part. That seems to really irritate people and make them angry and I think it stems from jealousy. I don't think anyone should feel obligated to invite or host twins ever and that is definitely not why I said that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The twin part is a red herring. This can be boiled down to "is it all right if I invite myself/my child to someone else's house/event?"

The answer will always be NO. The only very rare exception would be close friends and family who regularly have both children over at the same time. Definitely not acquaintances who know the second child exists and chose not to extend the invitation.

If you feel letting one child go to a playdate without the other child is too disruptive for your family, it is on YOU to say no thank you and decline altogether.

But, but, but, what about the BOND???"

I have never seen so many thirsty, jealous moms as when twins are brought up. Sorry you didn't win that lottery.

I assume IVF, let's be real. That wasn't a "lottery" many people wanted to win.

Not my experience. Had twins a few months after going off birth control. Totally spontaneous.

Of course it happens. But almost all the twins I know are from IVF because I know their moms and they have been open about it. It's not a big deal, but it's common enough that unless they are identical I will assume IVF unless told otherwise. Because that's the case with the advanced maternal age moms I see the most often.

You know what they compare assumptions to...

Well assuming people are motivated by jealousy is a pretty odd assumption. Don't be surprised when people make assumptions about you as well.

NP here. When I hear moms of twins insisting that anyone who doesn’t want to host both twins MUST be jealous, I am making an informed observation that you are a nasty person. I feel sorry for both your children and I'm glad they have each other to cope with a parent like you.

Hi - the jealousy I was referring to was the "bond" part. That seems to really irritate people and make them angry and I think it stems from jealousy. I don't think anyone should feel obligated to invite or host twins ever and that is definitely not why I said that.

I think you're misunderstanding. The bond is used, by some twin moms on this thread, to justify the need for people to include both twins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The twin part is a red herring. This can be boiled down to "is it all right if I invite myself/my child to someone else's house/event?"

The answer will always be NO. The only very rare exception would be close friends and family who regularly have both children over at the same time. Definitely not acquaintances who know the second child exists and chose not to extend the invitation.

If you feel letting one child go to a playdate without the other child is too disruptive for your family, it is on YOU to say no thank you and decline altogether.

But, but, but, what about the BOND???"

I have never seen so many thirsty, jealous moms as when twins are brought up. Sorry you didn't win that lottery.

I assume IVF, let's be real. That wasn't a "lottery" many people wanted to win.

Not my experience. Had twins a few months after going off birth control. Totally spontaneous.

Of course it happens. But almost all the twins I know are from IVF because I know their moms and they have been open about it. It's not a big deal, but it's common enough that unless they are identical I will assume IVF unless told otherwise. Because that's the case with the advanced maternal age moms I see the most often.

You know what they compare assumptions to...

Well assuming people are motivated by jealousy is a pretty odd assumption. Don't be surprised when people make assumptions about you as well.

NP here. When I hear moms of twins insisting that anyone who doesn’t want to host both twins MUST be jealous, I am making an informed observation that you are a nasty person. I feel sorry for both your children and I'm glad they have each other to cope with a parent like you.

Hi - the jealousy I was referring to was the "bond" part. That seems to really irritate people and make them angry and I think it stems from jealousy. I don't think anyone should feel obligated to invite or host twins ever and that is definitely not why I said that.

I seriously doubt it's jealousy. I'd guess it's because people don't like being told that there's this super-special bond that they are supposed to respect, to their own inconvenience, even though they can't *possibly* understand it. It comes off as smug and annoying. People always want to think that others don't like them because they are jealous, maybe because that's what they were told as kids, but it's often not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The twin part is a red herring. This can be boiled down to "is it all right if I invite myself/my child to someone else's house/event?"

The answer will always be NO. The only very rare exception would be close friends and family who regularly have both children over at the same time. Definitely not acquaintances who know the second child exists and chose not to extend the invitation.

If you feel letting one child go to a playdate without the other child is too disruptive for your family, it is on YOU to say no thank you and decline altogether.

But, but, but, what about the BOND???"

I have never seen so many thirsty, jealous moms as when twins are brought up. Sorry you didn't win that lottery.

I assume IVF, let's be real. That wasn't a "lottery" many people wanted to win.

Not my experience. Had twins a few months after going off birth control. Totally spontaneous.

Of course it happens. But almost all the twins I know are from IVF because I know their moms and they have been open about it. It's not a big deal, but it's common enough that unless they are identical I will assume IVF unless told otherwise. Because that's the case with the advanced maternal age moms I see the most often.

You know what they compare assumptions to...

Well assuming people are motivated by jealousy is a pretty odd assumption. Don't be surprised when people make assumptions about you as well.

NP here. When I hear moms of twins insisting that anyone who doesn’t want to host both twins MUST be jealous, I am making an informed observation that you are a nasty person. I feel sorry for both your children and I'm glad they have each other to cope with a parent like you.

Hi - the jealousy I was referring to was the "bond" part. That seems to really irritate people and make them angry and I think it stems from jealousy. I don't think anyone should feel obligated to invite or host twins ever and that is definitely not why I said that.

I think you're misunderstanding. The bond is used, by some twin moms on this thread, to justify the need for people to include both twins.

This. No one is jealous that your twins have a special bond. They are annoyed that they are being told that they are supposed to invite both twins whether or not they want to, because of this bond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The twin part is a red herring. This can be boiled down to "is it all right if I invite myself/my child to someone else's house/event?"

The answer will always be NO. The only very rare exception would be close friends and family who regularly have both children over at the same time. Definitely not acquaintances who know the second child exists and chose not to extend the invitation.

If you feel letting one child go to a playdate without the other child is too disruptive for your family, it is on YOU to say no thank you and decline altogether.

But, but, but, what about the BOND???"

I have never seen so many thirsty, jealous moms as when twins are brought up. Sorry you didn't win that lottery.

I assume IVF, let's be real. That wasn't a "lottery" many people wanted to win.

Not my experience. Had twins a few months after going off birth control. Totally spontaneous.

Of course it happens. But almost all the twins I know are from IVF because I know their moms and they have been open about it. It's not a big deal, but it's common enough that unless they are identical I will assume IVF unless told otherwise. Because that's the case with the advanced maternal age moms I see the most often.

You know what they compare assumptions to...

Well assuming people are motivated by jealousy is a pretty odd assumption. Don't be surprised when people make assumptions about you as well.

NP here. When I hear moms of twins insisting that anyone who doesn’t want to host both twins MUST be jealous, I am making an informed observation that you are a nasty person. I feel sorry for both your children and I'm glad they have each other to cope with a parent like you.

Hi - the jealousy I was referring to was the "bond" part. That seems to really irritate people and make them angry and I think it stems from jealousy. I don't think anyone should feel obligated to invite or host twins ever and that is definitely not why I said that.

I think you're misunderstanding. The bond is used, by some twin moms on this thread, to justify the need for people to include both twins.

No, I get it. The "bond" was also made fun of and chastised by non-twin moms when others mentioned maybe they could be more sensitive in their wording and advice to OP. I saw several times where the twins moms are agreeing that OP should not ask or send the other twin to the play date, but perhaps the advice givers should be a little more sensitive because twins have a bond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The twin part is a red herring. This can be boiled down to "is it all right if I invite myself/my child to someone else's house/event?"

The answer will always be NO. The only very rare exception would be close friends and family who regularly have both children over at the same time. Definitely not acquaintances who know the second child exists and chose not to extend the invitation.

If you feel letting one child go to a playdate without the other child is too disruptive for your family, it is on YOU to say no thank you and decline altogether.

But, but, but, what about the BOND???"

I have never seen so many thirsty, jealous moms as when twins are brought up. Sorry you didn't win that lottery.

I assume IVF, let's be real. That wasn't a "lottery" many people wanted to win.

Not my experience. Had twins a few months after going off birth control. Totally spontaneous.

Of course it happens. But almost all the twins I know are from IVF because I know their moms and they have been open about it. It's not a big deal, but it's common enough that unless they are identical I will assume IVF unless told otherwise. Because that's the case with the advanced maternal age moms I see the most often.

You know what they compare assumptions to...

Well assuming people are motivated by jealousy is a pretty odd assumption. Don't be surprised when people make assumptions about you as well.

NP here. When I hear moms of twins insisting that anyone who doesn’t want to host both twins MUST be jealous, I am making an informed observation that you are a nasty person. I feel sorry for both your children and I'm glad they have each other to cope with a parent like you.

Hi - the jealousy I was referring to was the "bond" part. That seems to really irritate people and make them angry and I think it stems from jealousy. I don't think anyone should feel obligated to invite or host twins ever and that is definitely not why I said that.

I think you're misunderstanding. The bond is used, by some twin moms on this thread, to justify the need for people to include both twins.

This. No one is jealous that your twins have a special bond. They are annoyed that they are being told that they are supposed to invite both twins whether or not they want to, because of this bond.

Please pull out one comment in this thread where a mom says twins have to be invited together because of their bond. I'll wait.