Twin play date, one twin left out…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So nice to hear non-twin parents blocking friendships and penalizing kids based on a slightly awkward situation that is not at all within the kids’ control.

dp But is it really the non twin parent who is blocking friendships? It seems that twin parents are because you are not allowing individual friendships to blossom and you are elevating the twins' relationship. You are family and have tons of opportunity to bond with you twin when you are at home. Two hours away from your twin isn't going to kill anyone!

It isn’t about the difficulty being away from the other twin. I wouldn’t send both of my twins if only one was invited. It’s the idea that people don’t even want to bother inviting one twin because they feel guilty excluding the other one so they just exclude both. I agree it’s harder and there is no right answer, but it’s sad to see your kids get excluded literally just because they are twins and other parents don’t want to deal with that.

Being asked at every play date if the sibling can come is emotionally exhausting. Do I come off as a witch and say no? Do I ruin my child’s play date when they only want to play with one of the twins?

Haha. I said upthread that I could host both twins sometimes but not always and reminded them to be considerate of the host family situation as well. Apparently that made my kid a brat and I’m a horrible person trying to tell twin moms how to raise their kids.

Ummm, yeah… Not going to lie, that makes me want to avoid twin parents!!! Maybe once the kids are in middle school they’ll calm down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here, I didn't realize this thread got crazy after the first page lol. So here is the update:

After I posted here I re-read the mom message and realized that she had suggested I could join them as an option. So I offered to join them with the other twin so we can all get to know each other before I sent DD alone next time and it was well received.

Now everyone can calm down or call me names? DCUrbanmoms never disappoint lol

Wow OP, you are DENSE. The other mom suggested that YOU could join them. Not YOU AND YOUR SON. Be prepared for no more play dates offers. And I have twins!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Well OP you can see the attitude. BY GOD DONT BRING YOUR KID!!!! A bit over the top but there it is. Non twin moms never get that twins have a bond and so on. They lash out. And so strident about the need to separate them. Nice isn’t it? Signed twin mom.

+1 also twin mom. I agree on separating but the vitriol from non-twin moms is ridiculous. They just don't get it.

non-twin mom here. I don't agree with how the other people are presenting but, in my experience expecting twins to always do things together tends to limit friendships. My dd had twins sisters as friends and would have loved to done more things with the one twin because they had more in common. The other twin tended to dominate the shyer twin. But because of twin mom attitude ( you have to invite both or none) we didn't invite the one twin one so everyone missed out.

Just because they are twins, doesn't mean they are tied at the hips ( unless they are conjoined)

I am the PP. My point was that this is always an issue when you have twins. I agree with separation; I was not advocating that. But there are big feelings involved that non-twin moms do not understand. When I first starting separating my twins for activities, they both cried and were scared and didn't understand. One of my children asked why the kid didn't like her and genuinely thought she was being excluded on purpose. And I felt bad because I am their mother. Seeing your child in pain is difficult for both twin moms and singleton moms.

We worked through it and they are very independent now, but it doesn't help to hear harsh judgment from moms who have no idea what this is like. The bond is there and it is different and sometimes it is delicate to navigate. I don't think people need to accommodate this at all, I am just saying they could be a little nicer in the tone when giving advice about things they don't have any experience with.

+1 (fellow twin mom). Have a heart for OP who is just trying to protect her little boy’s feelings if there is a way to do so.

+2 and it’s really hard continuing to hear non twin parents insist it’s just like siblings. Realize that all the twin moms are universally saying it is NOT like different age siblings and that maybe you do not know or understand because it has not been your lived experience.

Honestly, we don’t care how close your twins are.

No one said you have to care (the point of above posts), but you don't have to be an a$$hole about it.

When a parent of twins mentiona to me, once again, how close their two are I smile politely. But I am actually thinking that it is more a red flag for their kids not having well developed social skills.
In other words, don't crow about how close your kids are. The thing to share is how well your child, twin or not, is able to initiate and maintain relationships with others. You know, a vital life skill.

NP. That's a super weird reaction. The fact that you would (a) care that much and (b) go that far in your assumptions about people you don't know is incredibly odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After reading this thread, I’m kind of afraid to talk to moms of twins! You guys are insane!

Sorry, but I read all the venom as coming from the singleton moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So nice to hear non-twin parents blocking friendships and penalizing kids based on a slightly awkward situation that is not at all within the kids’ control.

dp But is it really the non twin parent who is blocking friendships? It seems that twin parents are because you are not allowing individual friendships to blossom and you are elevating the twins' relationship. You are family and have tons of opportunity to bond with you twin when you are at home. Two hours away from your twin isn't going to kill anyone!

It isn’t about the difficulty being away from the other twin. I wouldn’t send both of my twins if only one was invited. It’s the idea that people don’t even want to bother inviting one twin because they feel guilty excluding the other one so they just exclude both. I agree it’s harder and there is no right answer, but it’s sad to see your kids get excluded literally just because they are twins and other parents don’t want to deal with that.

Well, if the expectation is I have to invite both it is on you for making the situation, not the host. My kid wanted to have a playdate with the one twin but, I knew it would cause problems because they did everything together. So maybe twin parents should think about this and not blame the non twin parent. It has nothing to do with extra work but, the fact that my kid is the odd person out and it would be a totally different ( not necessarily better) experience for my dd and the one twin.

I have hesitated many times before inviting one twin to come over and play because I know that the parents will feel hurt that their other twin is not invited. So we just move on to another classmate and invite them.

This is literally exactly my point. I do appreciate that you don’t want to hurt the other twin’s feelings but it’s not awesome to feel like neither kid is getting invites bc they happen to have a twin and people don’t want to be awkward/entangled.

But are any twin parents saying this is happening to them and neither of their kids are getting invites?

I have twins and they get invited to tons of stuff. Sometimes one of them gets the invitation, sometimes the other one gets the invitation, and sometimes they both get an invitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Lol I’m glad it worked out !

It worked out only for OP! The other mom invited OP to join and she said, sure my son and I will join. Not what was offered!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here, I didn't realize this thread got crazy after the first page lol. So here is the update:

After I posted here I re-read the mom message and realized that she had suggested I could join them as an option. So I offered to join them with the other twin so we can all get to know each other before I sent DD alone next time and it was well received.

Now everyone can calm down or call me names? DCUrbanmoms never disappoint lol

Wow OP, you are DENSE. The other mom suggested that YOU could join them. Not YOU AND YOUR SON. Be prepared for no more play dates offers. And I have twins!

You are the dense one because you can’t even imagine there are decent people out there. If no more date so be it, no big deal , DD will make other friends regardless. We are not that desperate for play dates, this is the greatest advantage about having twins, we don’t agonize about missing play dates as they have each other !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After reading this thread, I’m kind of afraid to talk to moms of twins! You guys are insane!

Sorry, but I read all the venom as coming from the singleton moms.

LOL. Then you are reading *very* selectively. You must have missed "singleton princesses," the suggestion that one poster's kid was a brat, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The twin part is a red herring. This can be boiled down to "is it all right if I invite myself/my child to someone else's house/event?"

The answer will always be NO. The only very rare exception would be close friends and family who regularly have both children over at the same time. Definitely not acquaintances who know the second child exists and chose not to extend the invitation.

If you feel letting one child go to a playdate without the other child is too disruptive for your family, it is on YOU to say no thank you and decline altogether.

But, but, but, what about the BOND???"

I have twin girls. Sure they're bonded, but I assume other siblings are as well (they are our only children). My issue isn't with their BOND as you say. It's that it is harder because they often know the same peer group. HOWEVER, that is no one's problem but my own (and my husband's). I don't expect ANY OTHER PARENT to worry about it or care. Asking someone else to deal with your twin's hurt feelings is stupid, in my opinion. But when you act shitty about a twin bond, you're just being a jerk to the parents of twins who aren't like OP, so maybe stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here, I didn't realize this thread got crazy after the first page lol. So here is the update:

After I posted here I re-read the mom message and realized that she had suggested I could join them as an option. So I offered to join them with the other twin so we can all get to know each other before I sent DD alone next time and it was well received.

Now everyone can calm down or call me names? DCUrbanmoms never disappoint lol

Wow OP, you are DENSE. The other mom suggested that YOU could join them. Not YOU AND YOUR SON. Be prepared for no more play dates offers. And I have twins!

NP you are a jerk. Who is supposed to watch the other kid? That's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The twin part is a red herring. This can be boiled down to "is it all right if I invite myself/my child to someone else's house/event?"

The answer will always be NO. The only very rare exception would be close friends and family who regularly have both children over at the same time. Definitely not acquaintances who know the second child exists and chose not to extend the invitation.

If you feel letting one child go to a playdate without the other child is too disruptive for your family, it is on YOU to say no thank you and decline altogether.

But, but, but, what about the BOND???"

I have never seen so many thirsty, jealous moms as when twins are brought up. Sorry you didn't win that lottery.

I assume IVF, let's be real. That wasn't a "lottery" many people wanted to win.

I didn't do IVF, I had spontaneous twins. So did four of my friends (not friends I met because we had twins, friends I knew from K-12 and college). I only know two twin moms who did IVF. I know A LOT of other people who did IVF, had two implanted, and only ended up with one. So while I don't think PP was being particularly nice, you were nasty, too. Maybe dial it back a notch. Its not a good look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has a nice update on Page 8. Sometimes the answer is very simple people.

OMG, no it's not! OP invited her son on the playdate when he was clearly NOT invited. The answer wasn't simple, OP is just a moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here, I didn't realize this thread got crazy after the first page lol. So here is the update:

After I posted here I re-read the mom message and realized that she had suggested I could join them as an option. So I offered to join them with the other twin so we can all get to know each other before I sent DD alone next time and it was well received.

Now everyone can calm down or call me names? DCUrbanmoms never disappoint lol

This is great OP! I’m glad you figured out a great compromise.

For all the other twin moms insisting on together play dates, note that the inviting kid does want a play date just with the girl twin. There was no misunderstanding in the invitation.

Considering that kindergarten is often the beginning of drop off play dates, both moms were considerate towards each other. OP understood to offer to send her daughter without her brother the next time. The inviting mom understood that the invitees needed a transition period and OP is going to help supervise her son for the first play date.

And by compromise you mean...OP bullied the other mom into getting exactly what OP wanted all along. Umm, ok!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After reading this thread, I’m kind of afraid to talk to moms of twins! You guys are insane!

Sorry, but I read all the venom as coming from the singleton moms.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here, I didn't realize this thread got crazy after the first page lol. So here is the update:

After I posted here I re-read the mom message and realized that she had suggested I could join them as an option. So I offered to join them with the other twin so we can all get to know each other before I sent DD alone next time and it was well received.

Now everyone can calm down or call me names? DCUrbanmoms never disappoint lol

Wow OP, you are DENSE. The other mom suggested that YOU could join them. Not YOU AND YOUR SON. Be prepared for no more play dates offers. And I have twins!

You are the dense one because you can’t even imagine there are decent people out there. If no more date so be it, no big deal , DD will make other friends regardless. We are not that desperate for play dates, this is the greatest advantage about having twins, we don’t agonize about missing play dates as they have each other !

I'm PP. I have twins. And no, I'm not dense, but I can read a room. I wish we could ask the other mom to come on here and post her opinion of how things went down...