Beach house extended family vacation- why do women spend 80% of their time in the kitchen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going to the beach with kids is work, too.
Why don't you and your husband take turns who does which task?

Totally agree with this. Beach vacation houses are barely different from being at home. All the same stuff still needs to be done every day. The bonus is usually there are more hands to do it and more time and it is more fun because you are all together. I have great memories of kitchen clean up duty with the girls blaring music and dancing in the kitchen. Everybody wanted in on the KP Duty Dance Party!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a big piece that hasn't been mentioned, a lot of times in family food is love. It's how people show love for the people around them. They want to provide tasty foods for their loved ones to enjoy.

There's a lot of family traditions around food. Even in memories when people start talking about things in their childhood.

I don't think you should be so hasty to discount what they do, maybe it's not your thing, but you shouldn't poo-poo it just because you don't approve.

I think the problem is that OP doesn't enjoy the kitchen time, but still feels obligated to be there participating because all the women are there and none of the women aren't there. Certainly even the good robots of DCUM can understand how that might feel like pressure, and might lead OP to feel as if she's not actually getting a vacation. I think she does need to just decide it's ok not to participate with the other women and even if others look askance or pressure her. to hold her ground. But I definitely understand how that could be uncomfortable. In my husband's family, the women are all in the kitchen too - and I just excuse myself (I don' cook) but it doesn't always feel great to be the odd woman out.

Ha! The good robots of dcum! Love it!
But, no they don't get it, they are the ones that in real life criticize op for not being good enough....mom, wife, sets.

It seems like people get it, but think this is OP’s problem. Which it is.

OP doesn’t like cooking - independent thinker! Those women who do? Robots who are slaves to the patriarchy. No misogyny there, not at all!

It's not that the women in the kitchen are robots. It's the people in DCUM who think no one should ever have complicated emotional reactions to uncomfortable situations who are robots. Sorry if that wasn't clear. The "an invitation is not a summons!" people who don't get how relationships work for normal hoomans.

What OP is feeling is a very normal set of feelings. The people telling her that her feelings are wrong or dumb - either because it's GREAT to be in the kitchen, or because they don't get that just saying no to being there can provoke a bunch of other reactions in herself and others - are robots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, very few folks are recognizing OP’s point - women have been conditioned to cook and clean and they have internally that they enjoy it. Dads generally feel free to hang out except if they feel like playing with the grill occasionally. Patriarchy is alive and well in this country.

My dad doesn’t just grill. He makes pancake breakfasts, and also loves making old-fashioned casseroles because my mom doesn’t like them/doesn’t make them. So we would always get excited when dad was making a big tuna casserole or turkey tetrazzini.

My husband makes pies, including his own pie crusts. He’s so particular about them that he has three special ceramic pie pans from his grandmother that are among his most prized possessions.

I have an uncle who makes his own pasta, and even does so now that he has Parkinson’s.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but lots of people love to cook. Which is why there are food sections in the newspaper, countless food and wine magazines, entire sections of the library dedicated to food and cooking, entire TV networks and shows dedicated to food, not to mention Williams Sonoma, Eataly, etc. Are you blind, deaf and dumb that you don’t get that love of cooking is real, is universal in every culture, and is a multi-billion dollar industry? It’s not just grandma in the kitchen, sweetie.

there’s tons of actual research showing that women do a disproportionate share of domestic labor. for every dad who supposedly loves cooking there are 10 more watching TV while mom cooks and cleans. and of course so many “dads who cook!!” are expecting a medal for making a single pancake breakfast (likely leaving all the dishes for the women) and rests on his laurels while the women handle the other 10 meals.

here you go: women spend 30 more minutes a day cooking and cleaning the kitchen than men.

https://www.bls.gov/tus/charts/household.htm

What’s your point?

OP literally asked us “ladies” why we spend time in the kitchen.

Answer: WE LIKE TO COOK. As do many of our husbands, brothers, fathers, male ILs, etc.

If you don’t want to cook, pour yourself a bowl of cereal and move on with your day.

The.
End.

My point is actual time-use data shows women do more cooking & cleaning than men. You were making an argument that men like to cook too and cook just as much. And I guess you’re also trying to argue that women cook and clean more because they “like” it … which seems quite absurd. Why would women LIKE to have less leisure time than men? If you make this argument you need to back it up.

[Anonymous]

https://www.theonion.com/mom-spends-beach-vacation-assuming-all-household-duties-1819575406

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going to the beach with kids is work, too.
Why don't you and your husband take turns who does which task?

Totally agree with this. Beach vacation houses are barely different from being at home. All the same stuff still needs to be done every day. The bonus is usually there are more hands to do it and more time and it is more fun because you are all together. I have great memories of kitchen clean up duty with the girls blaring music and dancing in the kitchen. Everybody wanted in on the KP Duty Dance Party!

no, I don’t want to do the “KP Dance Party” with the “girls” every night on vacation while the men relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, very few folks are recognizing OP’s point - women have been conditioned to cook and clean and they have internally that they enjoy it. Dads generally feel free to hang out except if they feel like playing with the grill occasionally. Patriarchy is alive and well in this country.

Not in our family. The men like to cook just as much, if not more, and they do their share of the cleaning too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the same with my H's family but it's not just the women (they are Italian) and it's because they like to cook, it's how the bond, and it's their love language.

I would rather have cereal for breakfast but I'm also not going to deny them what they love.

This. My family all love being on the kitchen. We love cooking and baking as well as eating!
Honestly it’s more relaxing for me to be in the kitchen then on the beach.
I’m fair, my skin burns so I have to constantly reapply sunscreen, I hate sand getting into everything…
But baking with my sisters? LOVE IT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, very few folks are recognizing OP’s point - women have been conditioned to cook and clean and they have internally that they enjoy it. Dads generally feel free to hang out except if they feel like playing with the grill occasionally. Patriarchy is alive and well in this country.

My dad doesn’t just grill. He makes pancake breakfasts, and also loves making old-fashioned casseroles because my mom doesn’t like them/doesn’t make them. So we would always get excited when dad was making a big tuna casserole or turkey tetrazzini.

My husband makes pies, including his own pie crusts. He’s so particular about them that he has three special ceramic pie pans from his grandmother that are among his most prized possessions.

I have an uncle who makes his own pasta, and even does so now that he has Parkinson’s.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but lots of people love to cook. Which is why there are food sections in the newspaper, countless food and wine magazines, entire sections of the library dedicated to food and cooking, entire TV networks and shows dedicated to food, not to mention Williams Sonoma, Eataly, etc. Are you blind, deaf and dumb that you don’t get that love of cooking is real, is universal in every culture, and is a multi-billion dollar industry? It’s not just grandma in the kitchen, sweetie.

Oh for f**ks sake, are you really trying to say that because your husband makes pies, that means women aren't carrying most of the load for cooking in American society?

Does your uncle who makes the pasta prepare dinner M-F? Or is he the guy who gets to swoop in and make pasta once a month and everyone oohs and aahs, while ignoring the grind of daily cooking that someone else - who you didn't mention - is preparing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going to the beach with kids is work, too.
Why don't you and your husband take turns who does which task?

Totally agree with this. Beach vacation houses are barely different from being at home. All the same stuff still needs to be done every day. The bonus is usually there are more hands to do it and more time and it is more fun because you are all together. I have great memories of kitchen clean up duty with the girls blaring music and dancing in the kitchen. Everybody wanted in on the KP Duty Dance Party!

no, I don’t want to do the “KP Dance Party” with the “girls” every night on vacation while the men relax.

Sheesh, that was one example, and obviously not every night; the men and boys clean up too, of course. duh. But the most fun for me when I was a teen was when it was the girls (meaning teens) turn to do dishes -- Dance party! Good memories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going to the beach with kids is work, too.
Why don't you and your husband take turns who does which task?

Totally agree with this. Beach vacation houses are barely different from being at home. All the same stuff still needs to be done every day. The bonus is usually there are more hands to do it and more time and it is more fun because you are all together. I have great memories of kitchen clean up duty with the girls blaring music and dancing in the kitchen. Everybody wanted in on the KP Duty Dance Party!

no, I don’t want to do the “KP Dance Party” with the “girls” every night on vacation while the men relax.

Agree! Ridiculous!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a big piece that hasn't been mentioned, a lot of times in family food is love. It's how people show love for the people around them. They want to provide tasty foods for their loved ones to enjoy.

There's a lot of family traditions around food. Even in memories when people start talking about things in their childhood.

I don't think you should be so hasty to discount what they do, maybe it's not your thing, but you shouldn't poo-poo it just because you don't approve.

Oh god. No wonder there is so many obese people in society with all this “Food is love” crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, very few folks are recognizing OP’s point - women have been conditioned to cook and clean and they have internally that they enjoy it. Dads generally feel free to hang out except if they feel like playing with the grill occasionally. Patriarchy is alive and well in this country.

My dad doesn’t just grill. He makes pancake breakfasts, and also loves making old-fashioned casseroles because my mom doesn’t like them/doesn’t make them. So we would always get excited when dad was making a big tuna casserole or turkey tetrazzini.

My husband makes pies, including his own pie crusts. He’s so particular about them that he has three special ceramic pie pans from his grandmother that are among his most prized possessions.

I have an uncle who makes his own pasta, and even does so now that he has Parkinson’s.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but lots of people love to cook. Which is why there are food sections in the newspaper, countless food and wine magazines, entire sections of the library dedicated to food and cooking, entire TV networks and shows dedicated to food, not to mention Williams Sonoma, Eataly, etc. Are you blind, deaf and dumb that you don’t get that love of cooking is real, is universal in every culture, and is a multi-billion dollar industry? It’s not just grandma in the kitchen, sweetie.

there’s tons of actual research showing that women do a disproportionate share of domestic labor. for every dad who supposedly loves cooking there are 10 more watching TV while mom cooks and cleans. and of course so many “dads who cook!!” are expecting a medal for making a single pancake breakfast (likely leaving all the dishes for the women) and rests on his laurels while the women handle the other 10 meals.

here you go: women spend 30 more minutes a day cooking and cleaning the kitchen than men.

https://www.bls.gov/tus/charts/household.htm

What’s your point?

OP literally asked us “ladies” why we spend time in the kitchen.

Answer: WE LIKE TO COOK. As do many of our husbands, brothers, fathers, male ILs, etc.

If you don’t want to cook, pour yourself a bowl of cereal and move on with your day.

The.
End.

My point is actual time-use data shows women do more cooking & cleaning than men. You were making an argument that men like to cook too and cook just as much. And I guess you’re also trying to argue that women cook and clean more because they “like” it … which seems quite absurd. Why would women LIKE to have less leisure time than men? If you make this argument you need to back it up.

You are taking this way too far. My name is literally at the top of a press release related to women and time use/household chores, by the way. But that's an entirely different thread.

Here is THIS thread, with THIS OP, asking THIS question: "Why do you ladies [love how she used the term with derision] spend so much time in the kitchen on vacation."

Totally valid and varied answers:
Because I like to cook.
Because being in the kitchen means I don't have to talk to my ILs and instead get to listen to my podcast.
Because while I like some beach time, I hate feeling dehydrated and bone-dry, and would rather go inside earlier than the rest of the crew, and leaving DH and the kids to drag all the crap up from the beach, and DH to deal with their sandy showers.
Because I'd rather cook than clean, so I sip my wine while I watch you clean.

Asked and answered. Too bad you don't like my answers and the answers of others--but that doesn't invalidate them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, the party was in the kitchen. The women made jokes, laughed, drank, etc., while cooking and cleaning up together. The men played cards and watched the kids in the pool.

Now that me and my siblings kids are older, the three of us make elaborate meals together when I visit. Our brother is an amazing cook, and we all have our specialties. Eating holiday meals is just a fun after-effect of cooking together.

I assume this is part cultural, and also only fun for those with a creative flare in the kitchen.

And only people with deep insecurity or who are looking to feel put out would be bothered by others enjoying their time together, doing what they love to do. Enjoy, PP. You sound like fun, and I’d love to cook AND eat a good meal with you.

If you want cereal, go have cereal, then go do what you want to do. What’s the problem?

That’s the point. It seems that if anyone deviates from the strict gender roles is upsetting the apple cart. If someone decides to do things differently guarantee you others will choose to be offended. I would never take a vacation like this. Sounds boring and annoying as he$$.

Show me where OP is saying that her in-laws or her husband is putting pressure on her, or saying anything at all. Her husband told her to relax and not worry about it. What do you want, honestly? Literally no one said anything to OP.

They don’t have to say it. We all know what they are thinking. Op can feel it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, the party was in the kitchen. The women made jokes, laughed, drank, etc., while cooking and cleaning up together. The men played cards and watched the kids in the pool.

Now that me and my siblings kids are older, the three of us make elaborate meals together when I visit. Our brother is an amazing cook, and we all have our specialties. Eating holiday meals is just a fun after-effect of cooking together.

I assume this is part cultural, and also only fun for those with a creative flare in the kitchen.

And only people with deep insecurity or who are looking to feel put out would be bothered by others enjoying their time together, doing what they love to do. Enjoy, PP. You sound like fun, and I’d love to cook AND eat a good meal with you.

If you want cereal, go have cereal, then go do what you want to do. What’s the problem?

That’s the point. It seems that if anyone deviates from the strict gender roles is upsetting the apple cart. If someone decides to do things differently guarantee you others will choose to be offended. I would never take a vacation like this. Sounds boring and annoying as he$$.

Show me where OP is saying that her in-laws or her husband is putting pressure on her, or saying anything at all. Her husband told her to relax and not worry about it. What do you want, honestly? Literally no one said anything to OP.

They don’t have to say it. We all know what they are thinking. Op can feel it.

Then OP can put her big girl pants on, burn her bras, scream "down with the patriarchy" and sit her butt down with her sad bowl of cereal. Why doesn't she just speak up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I guess I'm asking, what makes my SILs want to prepare every single meal from scratch- like homemade pancakes (flour, egg, etc), homemade pizzas, homemade salad dressings, homemade noodles. Dozens of pots/pans/ cooking utensils for every meal...

Why not just go the simple route? the kids and dads don't care if they eat cereal or carryout or PB&J sandwiches, so why do they overengineer every meal?

I work full-time in an office, so I WANT to be OUTSIDE with the kids as much as possible.
Basically, I want a real vacation. Not a new full-time kitchen job for a week.

I'm with you, OP! I love to cook, but not on vacation.

OK? No one is stopping either you or OP. No one has so much has asked OP to cook or anything. Like, why does it matter to you how other people like to spend their vacation time?

Why does it matter to you so much that you like to cook on a vacation that you are here posting so much? take your own advice and disappear from this thread! But, you can't, bcs there is something in OP's post that you think criticizes you, and you have recognized some behavior of yours that you see people find appalling, such as being a control freak who claims that OP should not care what people do on vacations, while you can't take the same advice and not care.

This is my second post. The only other thing I said was when someone told a poster to take a walk, and I said nope, it's more like you should. Feel free to verify with Jeff.

Whatever the right pp hopefully got the message. She was shelling out post after post, upper case letters that op and the rest are this and that.

I…don’t have anything to do with her. Anyway, do you get that OP literally posed the question to us “ladies” about why we spend time in the kitchen on vacation? And then when we actually answer the question—we like cooking, like introverting away from the group, like taking a break from the sun and sand—we get crap for it.

You do you. I will continue to enjoy wine and taking my time to do something I love.

There’s more than one person who enjoys cooking, but at least one nutter is irate in here that other people like to cook and don’t eat cereal for all their meals. Even on vacation.

So you’re like a dog with a bone because there’s someone on here who is like a dog with a bone?

Nah just passing thru laughing at the insanity from people who can’t cook. OP doesn’t even have to help but people
Are all worked up on her behalf.

Keep telling yourself that. You were up early yesterday with "how can you judge people who like different, kitchen is my sanctuary, I hate the beach.."

Wasn't me, toots, hate to break it to you but there are more than one or two of us here.