no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered that maybe your husband would respect you less if you stayed at home? I have a friend who stayed home for a few years after giving birth and it was obvious she was embarrassed about the fact, particularly considering that our circle is primarily comprised of working moms. She told me she went back to the workforce because she felt she had "nothing to talk about" with her UMC husband. You dull and unintelligent, OP, so maybe staying at home would actually be a good fit for you and won't be embarrassed. But your husband obviously disagrees and will probably get bored of you and will not be proud to have a wife who doesn't have a job.

Wow. Did typing something so nasty made you feel good?

OP - I was a lawyer. I am married to a high earner. No inheritances expected. I have been staying home since my youngest was small. We felt like it was very difficult to manage 2 big jobs and 2 kids when we didn’t have any family support. DH totally deferred to me on the choice whether we would arrange more childcare or I would stay home. I think you need to sit down with your husband and really discuss the logistics of having 2 kids while both are working big jobs. It is different from having just one kid. And it will only get more complicated as they get older and have their own activities and interests. And I am much more interesting now. I actually have time to read and volunteer and go to interesting places. When I worked, I worked and went home exhausted. YMMV, but staying home has been very good for our family and DH still seems to like me a lot. Good luck. The most important thing is that you and husband are on the same page. I would approach discussions with him rationally and without a lot of emotion.

Thankfully, I don't need this site to make me feel good. It's just nice to occasionally post unfiltered thoughts here. I personally don't know of any UMC man who is proud to have an unemployed wife. By claiming that you have time to read and volunteer, you refuted the ridiculous American notion that "staying at home is the hardest job in the world." Most women who don't work refrain from saying they have time for leisure but it's not the truth--as you demonstrated.

Sounds like you only know ahole men. Sorry for you.

Such a smart comeback Shocking you are not a lawyer anymore haha

[Anonymous]

Why does your desire to be a SAHM trump his desire to not be the sole breadwinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered that maybe your husband would respect you less if you stayed at home? I have a friend who stayed home for a few years after giving birth and it was obvious she was embarrassed about the fact, particularly considering that our circle is primarily comprised of working moms. She told me she went back to the workforce because she felt she had "nothing to talk about" with her UMC husband. You dull and unintelligent, OP, so maybe staying at home would actually be a good fit for you and won't be embarrassed. But your husband obviously disagrees and will probably get bored of you and will not be proud to have a wife who doesn't have a job.

Wow. Did typing something so nasty made you feel good?

OP - I was a lawyer. I am married to a high earner. No inheritances expected. I have been staying home since my youngest was small. We felt like it was very difficult to manage 2 big jobs and 2 kids when we didn’t have any family support. DH totally deferred to me on the choice whether we would arrange more childcare or I would stay home. I think you need to sit down with your husband and really discuss the logistics of having 2 kids while both are working big jobs. It is different from having just one kid. And it will only get more complicated as they get older and have their own activities and interests. And I am much more interesting now. I actually have time to read and volunteer and go to interesting places. When I worked, I worked and went home exhausted. YMMV, but staying home has been very good for our family and DH still seems to like me a lot. Good luck. The most important thing is that you and husband are on the same page. I would approach discussions with him rationally and without a lot of emotion.

Thankfully, I don't need this site to make me feel good. It's just nice to occasionally post unfiltered thoughts here. I personally don't know of any UMC man who is proud to have an unemployed wife. By claiming that you have time to read and volunteer, you refuted the ridiculous American notion that "staying at home is the hardest job in the world." Most women who don't work refrain from saying they have time for leisure but it's not the truth--as you demonstrated.

Sounds like you only know ahole men. Sorry for you.

Such a smart comeback Shocking you are not a lawyer anymore haha

What? You are a strange bird.

[Anonymous]

I don't work for the greatest good for ME, not my 3 DCs or DH. Only a fool would surrender financial security and respect from 90 percent of other adults for any other reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't work for the greatest good for ME, not my 3 DCs or DH. Only a fool would surrender financial security and respect from 90 percent of other adults for any other reason.

This isn't true. Plenty of people value SAHMs, men and women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does your desire to be a SAHM trump his desire to not be the sole breadwinner?

This is the critical issue here, plus OP your tendency to ascribe the worst motivations to your partner's opinion (calling him an a hole for example). I think marital counseling is the best advice this board can give you at this point as you work out your differences. Both of you need to be able to calmly discuss your POV and, most importantly, to let go of the resentment, no matter how you eventually resolve this.

[Anonymous]

This is the epitome of the moral failings of the DCUM populous. OP is wealthy. She has generational wealth. She doesn't need to work - independent of her DH. Her DH also makes a lot of money. Her working would only bring status and more money on top of lots of money.

She wants to stay home and take care of her child(ren). Why? because she's a mother who loves her child and that is her parental duty/obligation. It is also in the best interest of the child. Also she shouldn't have to explain why she wants to take care of her kids full time. What a world it is where a mother is asked to defend that position. However, on DCUM, the shrill harpies are berating her because she wants to take advantage of her financial gifts and be with her kids FT. You guys need to check yourselves. You live in a moral vacuum.

If OP wants to do that, she should be able to. Why in this world do we prize work for the sake of work, status for the sake of status, over raising our kids? This is why there are so many poorly raised children who lack basic education, societal skills and know how. Because their parents look down on parenting. Because their parents are busy grabbing money and status just to hang out with the Joneses.

OP, you do you. Don't defend motherhood to these wolves. My guess is that they're all miserable in their jobs, the pressures of parenthood and can't stand that you have the ability to focus 100% on your kids. Take that opportunity. It's a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't work for the greatest good for ME, not my 3 DCs or DH. Only a fool would surrender financial security and respect from 90 percent of other adults for any other reason.

This isn't true. Plenty of people value SAHMs, men and women.

We'd like to think they would but it all depends on the why and who. Most people respect someone staying at home to care for toddlers and babies or children with special needs or sick, elderly relatives. But the work of those of us with 2-3 neurotypical children in school all day is not valued by most because we have chosen to maximize our personal and family comfort. If you don't have a dream job -- and who does? -- working sucks more than SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered that maybe your husband would respect you less if you stayed at home? I have a friend who stayed home for a few years after giving birth and it was obvious she was embarrassed about the fact, particularly considering that our circle is primarily comprised of working moms. She told me she went back to the workforce because she felt she had "nothing to talk about" with her UMC husband. You dull and unintelligent, OP, so maybe staying at home would actually be a good fit for you and won't be embarrassed. But your husband obviously disagrees and will probably get bored of you and will not be proud to have a wife who doesn't have a job.

Wow. Did typing something so nasty made you feel good?

OP - I was a lawyer. I am married to a high earner. No inheritances expected. I have been staying home since my youngest was small. We felt like it was very difficult to manage 2 big jobs and 2 kids when we didn’t have any family support. DH totally deferred to me on the choice whether we would arrange more childcare or I would stay home. I think you need to sit down with your husband and really discuss the logistics of having 2 kids while both are working big jobs. It is different from having just one kid. And it will only get more complicated as they get older and have their own activities and interests. And I am much more interesting now. I actually have time to read and volunteer and go to interesting places. When I worked, I worked and went home exhausted. YMMV, but staying home has been very good for our family and DH still seems to like me a lot. Good luck. The most important thing is that you and husband are on the same page. I would approach discussions with him rationally and without a lot of emotion.

OP has already ascertained that she and her husband are not on the same page. She needs to start dealing with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the epitome of the moral failings of the DCUM populous. OP is wealthy. She has generational wealth. She doesn't need to work - independent of her DH. Her DH also makes a lot of money. Her working would only bring status and more money on top of lots of money.

She wants to stay home and take care of her child(ren). Why? because she's a mother who loves her child and that is her parental duty/obligation. It is also in the best interest of the child. Also she shouldn't have to explain why she wants to take care of her kids full time. What a world it is where a mother is asked to defend that position. However, on DCUM, the shrill harpies are berating her because she wants to take advantage of her financial gifts and be with her kids FT. You guys need to check yourselves. You live in a moral vacuum.

If OP wants to do that, she should be able to. Why in this world do we prize work for the sake of work, status for the sake of status, over raising our kids? This is why there are so many poorly raised children who lack basic education, societal skills and know how. Because their parents look down on parenting. Because their parents are busy grabbing money and status just to hang out with the Joneses.

OP, you do you. Don't defend motherhood to these wolves. My guess is that they're all miserable in their jobs, the pressures of parenthood and can't stand that you have the ability to focus 100% on your kids. Take that opportunity. It's a gift.

She doesn’t have that opportunity. Not without her husband’s buy-in.

[Anonymous]

This marriage sounds extremely toxic. For that reason alone please don’t have another child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered that maybe your husband would respect you less if you stayed at home? I have a friend who stayed home for a few years after giving birth and it was obvious she was embarrassed about the fact, particularly considering that our circle is primarily comprised of working moms. She told me she went back to the workforce because she felt she had "nothing to talk about" with her UMC husband. You dull and unintelligent, OP, so maybe staying at home would actually be a good fit for you and won't be embarrassed. But your husband obviously disagrees and will probably get bored of you and will not be proud to have a wife who doesn't have a job.

Wow. Did typing something so nasty made you feel good?

OP - I was a lawyer. I am married to a high earner. No inheritances expected. I have been staying home since my youngest was small. We felt like it was very difficult to manage 2 big jobs and 2 kids when we didn’t have any family support. DH totally deferred to me on the choice whether we would arrange more childcare or I would stay home. I think you need to sit down with your husband and really discuss the logistics of having 2 kids while both are working big jobs. It is different from having just one kid. And it will only get more complicated as they get older and have their own activities and interests. And I am much more interesting now. I actually have time to read and volunteer and go to interesting places. When I worked, I worked and went home exhausted. YMMV, but staying home has been very good for our family and DH still seems to like me a lot. Good luck. The most important thing is that you and husband are on the same page. I would approach discussions with him rationally and without a lot of emotion.

OP has already ascertained that she and her husband are not on the same page. She needs to start dealing with it.

Right. Counseling might help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the epitome of the moral failings of the DCUM populous. OP is wealthy. She has generational wealth. She doesn't need to work - independent of her DH. Her DH also makes a lot of money. Her working would only bring status and more money on top of lots of money.

She wants to stay home and take care of her child(ren). Why? because she's a mother who loves her child and that is her parental duty/obligation. It is also in the best interest of the child. Also she shouldn't have to explain why she wants to take care of her kids full time. What a world it is where a mother is asked to defend that position. However, on DCUM, the shrill harpies are berating her because she wants to take advantage of her financial gifts and be with her kids FT. You guys need to check yourselves. You live in a moral vacuum.

If OP wants to do that, she should be able to. Why in this world do we prize work for the sake of work, status for the sake of status, over raising our kids? This is why there are so many poorly raised children who lack basic education, societal skills and know how. Because their parents look down on parenting. Because their parents are busy grabbing money and status just to hang out with the Joneses.

OP, you do you. Don't defend motherhood to these wolves. My guess is that they're all miserable in their jobs, the pressures of parenthood and can't stand that you have the ability to focus 100% on your kids. Take that opportunity. It's a gift.

Literally no. OP has never said this is her reason. Her stated reasons, in no particular order from what I remember, are 1) her job is high stress, 2) she doesn't want to resent her DH in the future for making her do the bulk of the work if/when they have 2 kids, and 3) she wants to "keep a nice home." No maternal yearning, just "I don't think we need the money my job brings in so I want to quit." Her DH disagrees. They need to get on the same page but that's going to be hard because she's imputing really shitty motives to him and using the potential second kid as a bargaining chip.

She's not defending motherhood. She's defending a certain vision of marriage where men are uncomplaining breadwinners and women have ample downtime, partly because of their husbands' efforts and partly because of their dowries. This is her "culture," apparently, and it's yet to be tied to raising better, more educated children with societal skills and know how.

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what we think. This is a matter between you and your dh. Lots of women decide not to return after maternity leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks OP’s husband sounds like an a-hole?

I am an (Asian) woman who chooses to work even though we could live happily on my DH’s income. I enjoy having a job, and it’s a pretty flexible job so I feel like I have enough time with my kids. My husband supports me working, but he would equally support me SAH (I know because he’s asked me a few times if I would want to - obviously my life would be easier if I did!) I think it’s terrible for a spouse to make the other spouse work if they are financially set for college and retirement!

Of course, I’m sure my DH would respect me less if I became a stereotypical brain-dead SAHM, but if I continued to take an interest in the world, community, etc. I don’t think our relationship would suffer.

Nope. If my husband would come home and informed me that he'd like to quit his job and, surprise, I need to 100% support our family I'd kill him. And we have serious $ coming in from both sets of parents and I already have a fully paid, nice house on my name and we can live on my salary alone.

I (female) would personally be happy, assuming I was making enough for us to be comfortable. Who wouldn't want an easier life? Who wouldn't want to never do laundry or cook dinner since you're working anyway? Who wouldn't want to be able to stay out for work dinners or travel without any guilt? Who wouldn't want to know the person who loves your child most is always on call for them? It's a sweet set-up for both parents.

You (female) may personally feel this way, but I guarantee you that 99% of SAMs on this board do not. That’s what is so grating: the 100% inability to treat a DH the way they want to be treated by their DH, i.e., complete violation of the golden rule. Everyone knows that having two little kids is hard for a while; it’s the next 20-30 easy SAHM years that are resented. Duh!

You are completely talking out of your ass with this. I can “guarantee” (at least inasmuch as you apparently can) that the vast majority of Dads don’t WANT to stay home, not to take care of the kids full time, not to take care of the house full time. Working is not a sacrifice to them compared to the homefront, they PREFER it! And some of us married real men, (not whiny, petulant, score-keeping man-babies) the kind who take pride in providing for their family and wouldn’t dream of demanding that the mother of their children work for money they don’t need when she would prefer to mother their children! Some of you sound like you have married complete losers and justify their loser behavior by pretending it’s about equality.