no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. You sound quite bratty.

I agree...bratty and entitled....you are assuming that your husband wants to rely on your parent's death and your eventual inheritance as a type of financial comfort. Maybe your husband doesn't want the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner on his shoulders, maybe he doesn't want to lose the security that your salary brings for your OWN nuclear family regardless of your familial wealth. Maybe his upbringing was different from yours regarding savings, spending, and cash flow in. All valid reasons for you not to up and quit your job without him being comfortable with it. It IS possible to have two children and work. Hire a nanny, bring in an au pair, plenty of folks do it every day.

We don’t even need our inheritances. I was simply trying to point out that we have significant financial cushion.

How am I entitled but my husband isn’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?

Answer: My husband can’t give birth or breastfeed. He also has no desire to stay home with children. Therefore, it’s a silly question.

Interesting you say you have no right to demand someone’s labor. Because I feel like that’s what my husband is doing. He’s wanting a second child and for me to continue working in a demanding job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Childish

Will you explain how this is childish? I have a few friends who have quit their jobs when their husbands have made it very clear that they don’t want a SAHM. Their marriages are on the rocks and their husbands don’t seem to respect them. I am trying to avoid getting myself in this situation. I simply don’t think I can manage to have another child and continue working in a high earning job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. You sound quite bratty.

True. How dare a woman have any demands!

The responses on here are exactly why educated women are having fewer children. It’s a rotten deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. You sound quite bratty.

I agree...bratty and entitled....you are assuming that your husband wants to rely on your parent's death and your eventual inheritance as a type of financial comfort. Maybe your husband doesn't want the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner on his shoulders, maybe he doesn't want to lose the security that your salary brings for your OWN nuclear family regardless of your familial wealth. Maybe his upbringing was different from yours regarding savings, spending, and cash flow in. All valid reasons for you not to up and quit your job without him being comfortable with it. It IS possible to have two children and work. Hire a nanny, bring in an au pair, plenty of folks do it every day.

We don’t even need our inheritances. I was simply trying to point out that we have significant financial cushion.

How am I entitled but my husband isn’t?

Funny OP that the ONLY thing you address in this response is the inheritance. None of the other, truly more important partnership parts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I had been planning to try for a second child. Our first is 2 years old.

I’ve been working for quite some time and would like to possibly take some time off after a second child. Perhaps never return to work. While it seems that my husband will go along with it, I can tell he strongly dislikes the idea. He makes plenty of money and we have a large nest egg. We could live a nice life on his salary alone.

I am trying to determine if I’m being stubborn because I’m reconsidering the second child. My career is obviously very important to my husband and I will end up resentful if I want to stay home but am pressured to continue my demanding job (lawyer). It all makes me very sad that he wouldn’t value a stay at home parent or my contribution at home.

He seems stressed about job security but this has always been the case. His insecurities don’t seem based on reality. He regularly has recruiters calling him and per his employment agreement, he would receive six months severance and his stock would vest I am hesitant to stay employed just in case he loses his job. Especially since I stand to inherit a decent amount of money from my family and we have plenty in savings. His parents also have a $5-10 mm net worth, but there seems to be more uncertainty around his inheritance. I find the focus on my career and our income to be a little strange.

Recently I hypothetically asked him if I could quit my job if I received a few million from my parents. He said yes. To me, this makes it seem like it’s all about money.

There is a part of me that wants to throw myself into my career and take an even more demanding job. After all, that’s what he seems to want from me. It seems grossly unfair that I’m expected to have the same sort of career he does and also have children.

I should completely rule out the second child and stay on BC, right? Or am I borrowing trouble? Has anyone been in a similar situation and happy with how things turned out? Is it even worth marriage counseling to figure this out? I’m not sure how counseling will make him love money any less.

The other problem is that I’m less attracted to my husband because of this.

There is SO much going on here, but I'd first flag the number of "seems." You are attributing all sorts of thoughts and values to him, AND giving them the worst possible spin. That's unloving and ungenerous.

Also, you aren't even sure you want to be a SAHP forever. You might want to drop out of the workforce permanently, but maybe you just want to take some time off?

Op here. I’ve made the assumptions based on many comments he has said over the years. I’m a highly sensitive person and able to read between the lines.

It’s correct that I don’t know what I want to do regarding my career. I simply want to avoid a bad situation where I have a resentful husband because I want to spend more time actively raising my children and keeping a nice home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?

Answer: My husband can’t give birth or breastfeed. He also has no desire to stay home with children. Therefore, it’s a silly question.

Interesting you say you have no right to demand someone’s labor. Because I feel like that’s what my husband is doing. He’s wanting a second child and for me to continue working in a demanding job.

This is ridiculous and completely irrational. No wonder your DH doesn’t agree.

If you were infertile and adopted your child(ren) would you still be magically entitled to be the SAH one?

I’m a married lesbian and I wonder which one of us you think is entitled to stay home, given that we both have ovaries and can breastfeed. Answer: neither. No one has the right to not bring in income, just as no one has the right to not provide childcare. If these things are split in a certain way, it should only ever be by MUTUAL agreement - not because of anatomy/chromosomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I had been planning to try for a second child. Our first is 2 years old.

I’ve been working for quite some time and would like to possibly take some time off after a second child. Perhaps never return to work. While it seems that my husband will go along with it, I can tell he strongly dislikes the idea. He makes plenty of money and we have a large nest egg. We could live a nice life on his salary alone.

I am trying to determine if I’m being stubborn because I’m reconsidering the second child. My career is obviously very important to my husband and I will end up resentful if I want to stay home but am pressured to continue my demanding job (lawyer). It all makes me very sad that he wouldn’t value a stay at home parent or my contribution at home.

He seems stressed about job security but this has always been the case. His insecurities don’t seem based on reality. He regularly has recruiters calling him and per his employment agreement, he would receive six months severance and his stock would vest I am hesitant to stay employed just in case he loses his job. Especially since I stand to inherit a decent amount of money from my family and we have plenty in savings. His parents also have a $5-10 mm net worth, but there seems to be more uncertainty around his inheritance. I find the focus on my career and our income to be a little strange.

Recently I hypothetically asked him if I could quit my job if I received a few million from my parents. He said yes. To me, this makes it seem like it’s all about money.

There is a part of me that wants to throw myself into my career and take an even more demanding job. After all, that’s what he seems to want from me. It seems grossly unfair that I’m expected to have the same sort of career he does and also have children.

I should completely rule out the second child and stay on BC, right? Or am I borrowing trouble? Has anyone been in a similar situation and happy with how things turned out? Is it even worth marriage counseling to figure this out? I’m not sure how counseling will make him love money any less.

The other problem is that I’m less attracted to my husband because of this.

There is SO much going on here, but I'd first flag the number of "seems." You are attributing all sorts of thoughts and values to him, AND giving them the worst possible spin. That's unloving and ungenerous.

Also, you aren't even sure you want to be a SAHP forever. You might want to drop out of the workforce permanently, but maybe you just want to take some time off?

Op here. I’ve made the assumptions based on many comments he has said over the years. I’m a highly sensitive person and able to read between the lines.

It’s correct that I don’t know what I want to do regarding my career. I simply want to avoid a bad situation where I have a resentful husband because I want to spend more time actively raising my children and keeping a nice home.

So what happens if your husband wants to stop working for a while? Are you going to be supportive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. You sound quite bratty.

I agree...bratty and entitled....you are assuming that your husband wants to rely on your parent's death and your eventual inheritance as a type of financial comfort. Maybe your husband doesn't want the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner on his shoulders, maybe he doesn't want to lose the security that your salary brings for your OWN nuclear family regardless of your familial wealth. Maybe his upbringing was different from yours regarding savings, spending, and cash flow in. All valid reasons for you not to up and quit your job without him being comfortable with it. It IS possible to have two children and work. Hire a nanny, bring in an au pair, plenty of folks do it every day.

We don’t even need our inheritances. I was simply trying to point out that we have significant financial cushion.

How am I entitled but my husband isn’t?

Funny OP that the ONLY thing you address in this response is the inheritance. None of the other, truly more important partnership parts.

I have already considered these stresses, which is why I didn’t comment. Of course it’s obvious that being the sole breadwinner brings on stress. I would hope that our net worth and eventual inheritance would help ease that stress. I already have $2 million saved in retirement. It’s not like we don’t have anything to fall back on.

Yes, you make a good point on his family upbringing. His parents have a network of close to $10 million and it’s never enough. They will work until they die. They are very much into money and building wealth. Whereas, I see it as a means to an end. I am not looking to have my children raised by a nanny so I can pass on $10 million dollars.

Look,. I don’t want the stress of pregnancy and childbirth, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?

Answer: My husband can’t give birth or breastfeed. He also has no desire to stay home with children. Therefore, it’s a silly question.

Interesting you say you have no right to demand someone’s labor. Because I feel like that’s what my husband is doing. He’s wanting a second child and for me to continue working in a demanding job.

This is ridiculous and completely irrational. No wonder your DH doesn’t agree.

If you were infertile and adopted your child(ren) would you still be magically entitled to be the SAH one?

I’m a married lesbian and I wonder which one of us you think is entitled to stay home, given that we both have ovaries and can breastfeed. Answer: neither. No one has the right to not bring in income, just as no one has the right to not provide childcare. If these things are split in a certain way, it should only ever be by MUTUAL agreement - not because of anatomy/chromosomes.

I think we are living in completely different cultures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?

Answer: My husband can’t give birth or breastfeed. He also has no desire to stay home with children. Therefore, it’s a silly question.

Interesting you say you have no right to demand someone’s labor. Because I feel like that’s what my husband is doing. He’s wanting a second child and for me to continue working in a demanding job.

This is ridiculous and completely irrational. No wonder your DH doesn’t agree.

If you were infertile and adopted your child(ren) would you still be magically entitled to be the SAH one?

I’m a married lesbian and I wonder which one of us you think is entitled to stay home, given that we both have ovaries and can breastfeed. Answer: neither. No one has the right to not bring in income, just as no one has the right to not provide childcare. If these things are split in a certain way, it should only ever be by MUTUAL agreement - not because of anatomy/chromosomes.

I think we are living in completely different cultures.

Your culture is apparently the 1950s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about you have a second child and then he quits and stays home? That’s fair and you’d value his domestic labor, right?

You don’t have a right to be the SAH one just because you have ovaries.

Obviously. That’s why after my husband had hip surgery we decided that I should be the one to stay home and recuperate. If he can stay home after my c-section, it’s only fair right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I had been planning to try for a second child. Our first is 2 years old.

I’ve been working for quite some time and would like to possibly take some time off after a second child. Perhaps never return to work. While it seems that my husband will go along with it, I can tell he strongly dislikes the idea. He makes plenty of money and we have a large nest egg. We could live a nice life on his salary alone.

I am trying to determine if I’m being stubborn because I’m reconsidering the second child. My career is obviously very important to my husband and I will end up resentful if I want to stay home but am pressured to continue my demanding job (lawyer). It all makes me very sad that he wouldn’t value a stay at home parent or my contribution at home.

He seems stressed about job security but this has always been the case. His insecurities don’t seem based on reality. He regularly has recruiters calling him and per his employment agreement, he would receive six months severance and his stock would vest I am hesitant to stay employed just in case he loses his job. Especially since I stand to inherit a decent amount of money from my family and we have plenty in savings. His parents also have a $5-10 mm net worth, but there seems to be more uncertainty around his inheritance. I find the focus on my career and our income to be a little strange.

Recently I hypothetically asked him if I could quit my job if I received a few million from my parents. He said yes. To me, this makes it seem like it’s all about money.

There is a part of me that wants to throw myself into my career and take an even more demanding job. After all, that’s what he seems to want from me. It seems grossly unfair that I’m expected to have the same sort of career he does and also have children.

I should completely rule out the second child and stay on BC, right? Or am I borrowing trouble? Has anyone been in a similar situation and happy with how things turned out? Is it even worth marriage counseling to figure this out? I’m not sure how counseling will make him love money any less.

The other problem is that I’m less attracted to my husband because of this.

There is SO much going on here, but I'd first flag the number of "seems." You are attributing all sorts of thoughts and values to him, AND giving them the worst possible spin. That's unloving and ungenerous.

Also, you aren't even sure you want to be a SAHP forever. You might want to drop out of the workforce permanently, but maybe you just want to take some time off?

Op here. I’ve made the assumptions based on many comments he has said over the years. I’m a highly sensitive person and able to read between the lines.

It’s correct that I don’t know what I want to do regarding my career. I simply want to avoid a bad situation where I have a resentful husband because I want to spend more time actively raising my children and keeping a nice home.

So what happens if your husband wants to stop working for a while? Are you going to be supportive?

No, I’m not. My husband and I aren’t part of a culture or a socioeconomic class where that’s considered okay. He would never want to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?

Answer: My husband can’t give birth or breastfeed. He also has no desire to stay home with children. Therefore, it’s a silly question.

Interesting you say you have no right to demand someone’s labor. Because I feel like that’s what my husband is doing. He’s wanting a second child and for me to continue working in a demanding job.

This is ridiculous and completely irrational. No wonder your DH doesn’t agree.

If you were infertile and adopted your child(ren) would you still be magically entitled to be the SAH one?

I’m a married lesbian and I wonder which one of us you think is entitled to stay home, given that we both have ovaries and can breastfeed. Answer: neither. No one has the right to not bring in income, just as no one has the right to not provide childcare. If these things are split in a certain way, it should only ever be by MUTUAL agreement - not because of anatomy/chromosomes.

I think we are living in completely different cultures.

Your culture is apparently the 1950s.

I guess so! Look, I’m married to a white UMC wasp.

To be fair, very few men in America even take time off after their wife has children. So it’s a little silly to act as though we should all be held to your standard of both spouses being treated 100% equally after having a child. This just isn’t the reality that most American women are living in. You’re in a completely different situation where you even have the same reproductive organs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you have a second child and then he quits and stays home? That’s fair and you’d value his domestic labor, right?

You don’t have a right to be the SAH one just because you have ovaries.

Obviously. That’s why after my husband had hip surgery we decided that I should be the one to stay home and recuperate. If he can stay home after my c-section, it’s only fair right?

Complete non-sequitar. You didn’t say you want to stay home and recuperate after childbirth. You’d be getting a lot more support if you had. Recuperating from childbirth doesn’t require you to quit your job, for heavens sake. Ask me how I know.

Opting out of the workforce is just not a decision one member of the couple gets to make unilaterally. Even if that member happens to be female.