no 2nd child because DH won’t support SAH?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I had been planning to try for a second child. Our first is 2 years old.

I’ve been working for quite some time and would like to possibly take some time off after a second child. Perhaps never return to work. While it seems that my husband will go along with it, I can tell he strongly dislikes the idea. He makes plenty of money and we have a large nest egg. We could live a nice life on his salary alone.

I am trying to determine if I’m being stubborn because I’m reconsidering the second child. My career is obviously very important to my husband and I will end up resentful if I want to stay home but am pressured to continue my demanding job (lawyer). It all makes me very sad that he wouldn’t value a stay at home parent or my contribution at home.

He seems stressed about job security but this has always been the case. His insecurities don’t seem based on reality. He regularly has recruiters calling him and per his employment agreement, he would receive six months severance and his stock would vest I am hesitant to stay employed just in case he loses his job. Especially since I stand to inherit a decent amount of money from my family and we have plenty in savings. His parents also have a $5-10 mm net worth, but there seems to be more uncertainty around his inheritance. I find the focus on my career and our income to be a little strange.

Recently I hypothetically asked him if I could quit my job if I received a few million from my parents. He said yes. To me, this makes it seem like it’s all about money.

There is a part of me that wants to throw myself into my career and take an even more demanding job. After all, that’s what he seems to want from me. It seems grossly unfair that I’m expected to have the same sort of career he does and also have children.

I should completely rule out the second child and stay on BC, right? Or am I borrowing trouble? Has anyone been in a similar situation and happy with how things turned out? Is it even worth marriage counseling to figure this out? I’m not sure how counseling will make him love money any less.

The other problem is that I’m less attracted to my husband because of this.

[Anonymous]

Op if this were your first child, no problem to move on with someone more compatible to your values. You should have thought about that before you conceived your 2 year old with him. You have no right to break up this child’s family over this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op if this were your first child, no problem to move on with someone more compatible to your values. You should have thought about that before you conceived your 2 year old with him. You have no right to break up this child’s family over this issue.

What? I’m not even considering divorcing. The question is whether to have a second child. You must not have read my post.

[Anonymous]

OP. You sound quite bratty.

[Anonymous]

I mean, lots of dual-income couples have two kids. And it's not unreasonable for a person not to want the pressure of being the sole breadwinner.

Don't do anything out of spite. You need to stop discounting his feelings, and imputing the worst motives to him, and you guys need to talk this through. You hear "SAH isn't valuable," but you know that he's worried about his job. You need to clean your dirty lens and listen to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. You sound quite bratty.

I agree...bratty and entitled....you are assuming that your husband wants to rely on your parent's death and your eventual inheritance as a type of financial comfort. Maybe your husband doesn't want the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner on his shoulders, maybe he doesn't want to lose the security that your salary brings for your OWN nuclear family regardless of your familial wealth. Maybe his upbringing was different from yours regarding savings, spending, and cash flow in. All valid reasons for you not to up and quit your job without him being comfortable with it. It IS possible to have two children and work. Hire a nanny, bring in an au pair, plenty of folks do it every day.

[Anonymous]

Childish

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I had been planning to try for a second child. Our first is 2 years old.

I’ve been working for quite some time and would like to possibly take some time off after a second child. Perhaps never return to work. While it seems that my husband will go along with it, I can tell he strongly dislikes the idea. He makes plenty of money and we have a large nest egg. We could live a nice life on his salary alone.

I am trying to determine if I’m being stubborn because I’m reconsidering the second child. My career is obviously very important to my husband and I will end up resentful if I want to stay home but am pressured to continue my demanding job (lawyer). It all makes me very sad that he wouldn’t value a stay at home parent or my contribution at home.

He seems stressed about job security but this has always been the case. His insecurities don’t seem based on reality. He regularly has recruiters calling him and per his employment agreement, he would receive six months severance and his stock would vest I am hesitant to stay employed just in case he loses his job. Especially since I stand to inherit a decent amount of money from my family and we have plenty in savings. His parents also have a $5-10 mm net worth, but there seems to be more uncertainty around his inheritance. I find the focus on my career and our income to be a little strange.

Recently I hypothetically asked him if I could quit my job if I received a few million from my parents. He said yes. To me, this makes it seem like it’s all about money.

There is a part of me that wants to throw myself into my career and take an even more demanding job. After all, that’s what he seems to want from me. It seems grossly unfair that I’m expected to have the same sort of career he does and also have children.

I should completely rule out the second child and stay on BC, right? Or am I borrowing trouble? Has anyone been in a similar situation and happy with how things turned out? Is it even worth marriage counseling to figure this out? I’m not sure how counseling will make him love money any less.

The other problem is that I’m less attracted to my husband because of this.

There is SO much going on here, but I'd first flag the number of "seems." You are attributing all sorts of thoughts and values to him, AND giving them the worst possible spin. That's unloving and ungenerous.

Also, you aren't even sure you want to be a SAHP forever. You might want to drop out of the workforce permanently, but maybe you just want to take some time off?

[Anonymous]

You sound really, really entitled and obnoxious. You have no right to demand someone else's labor this way. I'm honestly kind of shocked at the greed in this post. Also, you don't seem to have a good grasp of the reality of being a sole wage earner.

Question: what if your DH decided unilaterally that he wanted to stop working forever? How fast would you divorce him?

[Anonymous]

We have two demanding jobs and I'm pregnant with our third child. I don't see any problems with this arrangement, obviously. There are also no issues with one parent SAH, but you both have to be on board. You can't unilaterally decide to place the sole responsibility for financially supporting the family on your husband. How receptive would you be if he tried to do that to you?

[Anonymous]

Both of you sound childish. Don’t have the second child till you figure things out.

[Anonymous]

You cannot count on inheritance. Talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Negotiate outsourcing everything in exchange for you continuing to work FTOH.

[Anonymous]

How about you have a second child and then he quits and stays home? That’s fair and you’d value his domestic labor, right?

You don’t have a right to be the SAH one just because you have ovaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two demanding jobs and I'm pregnant with our third child. I don't see any problems with this arrangement, obviously. There are also no issues with one parent SAH, but you both have to be on board. You can't unilaterally decide to place the sole responsibility for financially supporting the family on your husband. How receptive would you be if he tried to do that to you?

+1

TONS of people have multiple kids with both parents working. It can obviously be done. But OP does sound very childish, and like she hasn't really talked this out with her husband and really listened to his perspective. Why do you think that he should have the pressure of being the breadwinner when you don't want it? (And no one in their right mind counts on an inheritance until they actually receive it. Your parents might not die for years and years, and lots of things can happen in the meantime.)