Messed up marrying the wrong guy, where to go from here - give it to me straight please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you made the decision to make a child with him less than 3 years ago? Clearly you liked him and respected him then. How did you do a 180 on him in such a short period
Of
Time?

Not OP, but I recall my aunt telling my cousin that fatherhood would change her DH. My aunt really believed that. And she pressured my cousin to not only stay in the marriage, but to get pregnant. My cousin listened to her mom unfortunately.

Another example. This is why I hate these assumption posts about “you must have liked him to have a kid” posts. Some people have no idea the pressure some women face. No idea.

LOL! Then, it is women's fault that they can't handle pressure and caved in to marry anyone that could. Pretty pathetic that someone is blaming other men or kids for this. Owe your mistakes please. All of us make mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you made the decision to make a child with him less than 3 years ago? Clearly you liked him and respected him then. How did you do a 180 on him in such a short period
Of
Time?

PP here. That is irrelevant now.
(And by the way—50% of pregnancies are unplanned…even with birth control. I hate when people say this. Hate it. Not everyone “chooses” to have a child; many times where is an unplanned pregnancy and it makes people stay…do not assume everyone “chooses” to have a kid. It is irrelevant at this point anyway. Also: no one knows how people will parent so planning a kid is not relevant. If a marriage will never be good, there is no sense in prolonging the inevitable. (I my case, I was planning a divorce before a kid…he coerced it and I got trapped for YEARS with this freaking attitude…you have no idea if she liked or respected him before. You have no idea if the child was planned. You have no idea if the was trying to
“Save” the marriage with a kid. Stop making assumptions. Stop bringing up the past. None of it is relevant. What is relevant is she feels her marriage was a mistake and he is not who she thought he was and she does not feel they face shared goals to last a lifetime. That is what matters. Nothing else.

You should stop projecting and telling everyone to divorce, especially people with kids. They should at least try for the sake of their kids. Nothing working with couples or individual therapy ti understand what is going on here.

*nothing wrong

Sometimes the outcome of therapy is divorce. I would recommend couples steer clear of any therapist or counseling program that is anti-divorce or promises to save you marriage. The best counselors focus on helping you figure out first if you both really want to stay married and then, what it would take to make that a healthy decision.

Our ex-counselor was opposite of it. Every word or opinion that came out of her mind was about divorce and for every problem her solution was divorce that it was too negative. My ex started seeing that therapist for about 2 years and she made everything sounded like abuse or controlling etc. We finally ended up divorcing. Ofcourse, it is our fault but don't go to a therapist that is hell bent in getting you divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP, What are your values? How are they fundamentally different from your husband’s?

[Anonymous]

If you don’t divorce you will be sorry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you made the decision to make a child with him less than 3 years ago? Clearly you liked him and respected him then. How did you do a 180 on him in such a short period
Of
Time?

She posted about it. He refused to start trying until she was in her mid30s. She had a lot of fertility issues. She didn't much like him by that point. I wouldn't, either.

I would leave then, too. When a husband disrespects his wife by making a relationship his way only and will not compromise and literally does not care about her feelings, he does not deserve to be her husband. (I just posted about the poster making assumptions and should not…this is exactly what I was talking about…people do not know what happens behind closed doors…they should not be judging them…)

We don’t know the husband side of the story. Per Op, all her issues are his fault. She should do therapy and learn why she blames him for her unhappiness or this story will repeat itself with her new partner in few years.

Her husband’s side of the story is irrelevant. She is unhappy and does not see a future with him. It is her decision. It takes one person to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t divorce you will be sorry

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t divorce you will be sorry

How do you know that? If she divorces her options will be other divorced dads who were not good enough for the first wife.

[Anonymous]

You are too old and used up to demand anything

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I’ve been in this situation. It isn’t clear from the limited info you provide if there really is a fundamental problem with your husband or your marriage or if the problem is your perspective.

In my case, I was convinced my DH was the problem. But it was actually me. Once I saw that, things got a lot better. Therapy and lots of honest conversations with DH helped us get there.

Respecting your partner is a choice you make. It’s not just automatically going to happen with a new boyfriend or husband because he makes money and is fit.

[Anonymous]

Women, leave your fat husbands.

Men, leave your far wives.

It's the only way according to DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t divorce you will be sorry

How do you know that? If she divorces her options will be other divorced dads who were not good enough for the first wife.

So what? She could still find a better match. Or she won’t. She won’t be stuck in an unhappy marriage. That is soul-killing. That is why she will be sorry if she does not leave.

[Anonymous]

Op situation and Op sounds like my ex-wife who was married to me for the 2nd and now onto her 3rd marriage.

She sings the song of greatness when she has to make her choice (her bf or husband) look good in the society but they are the worst person on planet when they broke up with them. Horrible! This trait could be narcissistic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you made the decision to make a child with him less than 3 years ago? Clearly you liked him and respected him then. How did you do a 180 on him in such a short period
Of
Time?

PP here. That is irrelevant now.
(And by the way—50% of pregnancies are unplanned…even with birth control. I hate when people say this. Hate it. Not everyone “chooses” to have a child; many times where is an unplanned pregnancy and it makes people stay…do not assume everyone “chooses” to have a kid. It is irrelevant at this point anyway. Also: no one knows how people will parent so planning a kid is not relevant. If a marriage will never be good, there is no sense in prolonging the inevitable. (I my case, I was planning a divorce before a kid…he coerced it and I got trapped for YEARS with this freaking attitude…you have no idea if she liked or respected him before. You have no idea if the child was planned. You have no idea if the was trying to
“Save” the marriage with a kid. Stop making assumptions. Stop bringing up the past. None of it is relevant. What is relevant is she feels her marriage was a mistake and he is not who she thought he was and she does not feel they face shared goals to last a lifetime. That is what matters. Nothing else.

You should stop projecting and telling everyone to divorce, especially people with kids. They should at least try for the sake of their kids. Nothing working with couples or individual therapy ti understand what is going on here.

*nothing wrong

Sometimes the outcome of therapy is divorce. I would recommend couples steer clear of any therapist or counseling program that is anti-divorce or promises to save you marriage. The best counselors focus on helping you figure out first if you both really want to stay married and then, what it would take to make that a healthy decision.

Our ex-counselor was opposite of it. Every word or opinion that came out of her mind was about divorce and for every problem her solution was divorce that it was too negative. My ex started seeing that therapist for about 2 years and she made everything sounded like abuse or controlling etc. We finally ended up divorcing. Ofcourse, it is our fault but don't go to a therapist that is hell bent in getting you divorce.

This is very common with the therapists. They are going to make the situation look worse and the other partner as a devil. Very rarely, I have seen someone solving the problem. No wonder they got a client for life if you can make your client think like you.

[Anonymous]

My SIL ended up divorcing due to a similar situation but she ended up waiting until her kids were in high school. Her ex is a nice guy but she wanted someone super ambitious. What I think she couldn't see was that his lack of ambition made it much easier for her to become successful.

[Anonymous]

Op your options appear to be:

1. Get individual counseling and marriage counseling.

2. Divorce.

I would also propose option 3: deliberately try to change your mindset through behavior. Or, fake it till you make it. For example, you don’t have to have a ton of respect for DH, but how about just acting like you did? Pretend you are in a play and are playing the role of supporting and loving wife. Look at DH and pretend to see someone fabulous and full of potential.