Husband making comments about my dad's will

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's M.O.N.E.Y. He's terrified the new wife will spend your inheritance.

As has been brought up many times already in this thread, it's NOT just money.

There is also the issue of burial/cremation if the dad dies before his new wife.

There is time that will now be spent away from his grandchildren.

I'm a pp whose FIL remarried very quickly after the death of my MIL. The new wife also had children and grandchildren. It was very obvious that our children and Dh's siblings' children were not "getting a new grandma" with this arrangement, but the new wife's grandchildren were getting a new grandpa. They go to every soccer game, birthday party, etc. for her grandchildren. FIL's grandchildren? Not even major life events like graduations, important religious ceremonies, etc.

Why are all of you blaming the woman for these issues? Unless Dad has dementia, if he prioritizes his new wife and her kin and neglects his own kids, that is sh*tty but 100% on him. He is a grown man with agency. He is free to make his own choices and deal with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's M.O.N.E.Y. He's terrified the new wife will spend your inheritance.

As has been brought up many times already in this thread, it's NOT just money.

There is also the issue of burial/cremation if the dad dies before his new wife.

There is time that will now be spent away from his grandchildren.

I'm a pp whose FIL remarried very quickly after the death of my MIL. The new wife also had children and grandchildren. It was very obvious that our children and Dh's siblings' children were not "getting a new grandma" with this arrangement, but the new wife's grandchildren were getting a new grandpa. They go to every soccer game, birthday party, etc. for her grandchildren. FIL's grandchildren? Not even major life events like graduations, important religious ceremonies, etc.

Why are all of you blaming the woman for these issues? Unless Dad has dementia, if he prioritizes his new wife and her kin and neglects his own kids, that is sh*tty but 100% on him. He is a grown man with agency. He is free to make his own choices and deal with the consequences.

PP you quoted here
I'm not "blaming" the new wife and I agree that this was FIL's choice. I'm just saying that there are other issues that come up when a widowed parent gets married again--not just inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(she is 58, my dad is 68)

Roughly the same ages as my father and his 2nd wife when he remarried. He died 7 years later, so they had been together 10 years total. The "sweet" retired teacher 2nd wife got EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. No drama in our family, we were all very close with our dad, the 2nd wife was always nice. But again, she got EVERYTHING. Leading up to his death her family had helped orchestrate everything to go to her. Her sister was a lawyer, her brother was an accountant.

Yes, she helped him as he died on a terminal illness for 2 years. But is 2 years of in-home care worth over 3 million dollars? No, it is not. We were robbed by the 2nd wife.

You've been warned.

Your father made his choice.

What an awful thing to say! Sounds like the second wife took advantage of the situation and PP got screwed.

But the dad willingly married her. That’s a fact. Was he dragged to the altar under duress?Why is the woman always blamed in these cases? A smart man would have made iron-clad provisions for his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's M.O.N.E.Y. He's terrified the new wife will spend your inheritance.

As has been brought up many times already in this thread, it's NOT just money.

There is also the issue of burial/cremation if the dad dies before his new wife.

There is time that will now be spent away from his grandchildren.

I'm a pp whose FIL remarried very quickly after the death of my MIL. The new wife also had children and grandchildren. It was very obvious that our children and Dh's siblings' children were not "getting a new grandma" with this arrangement, but the new wife's grandchildren were getting a new grandpa. They go to every soccer game, birthday party, etc. for her grandchildren. FIL's grandchildren? Not even major life events like graduations, important religious ceremonies, etc.

Why are all of you blaming the woman for these issues? Unless Dad has dementia, if he prioritizes his new wife and her kin and neglects his own kids, that is sh*tty but 100% on him. He is a grown man with agency. He is free to make his own choices and deal with the consequences.

+1

So many instances of this happening when men throw their biological kids under the bus when a new woman comes along. My stepfather did this with my mother...and his kids resent her and can barely stand to be around him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(she is 58, my dad is 68)

Roughly the same ages as my father and his 2nd wife when he remarried. He died 7 years later, so they had been together 10 years total. The "sweet" retired teacher 2nd wife got EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. No drama in our family, we were all very close with our dad, the 2nd wife was always nice. But again, she got EVERYTHING. Leading up to his death her family had helped orchestrate everything to go to her. Her sister was a lawyer, her brother was an accountant.

Yes, she helped him as he died on a terminal illness for 2 years. But is 2 years of in-home care worth over 3 million dollars? No, it is not. We were robbed by the 2nd wife.

You've been warned.

Your father made his choice.

What an awful thing to say! Sounds like the second wife took advantage of the situation and PP got screwed.

But the dad willingly married her. That’s a fact. Was he dragged to the altar under duress?Why is the woman always blamed in these cases? A smart man would have made iron-clad provisions for his children.

PP above is absolutely correct. It's such a slap-in-the-face that her father did that to PP and PP's siblings...but he made that choice regardless of who helped orchestrate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(she is 58, my dad is 68)

Roughly the same ages as my father and his 2nd wife when he remarried. He died 7 years later, so they had been together 10 years total. The "sweet" retired teacher 2nd wife got EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. No drama in our family, we were all very close with our dad, the 2nd wife was always nice. But again, she got EVERYTHING. Leading up to his death her family had helped orchestrate everything to go to her. Her sister was a lawyer, her brother was an accountant.

Yes, she helped him as he died on a terminal illness for 2 years. But is 2 years of in-home care worth over 3 million dollars? No, it is not. We were robbed by the 2nd wife.

You've been warned.

Your father made his choice.

What an awful thing to say! Sounds like the second wife took advantage of the situation and PP got screwed.

But the dad willingly married her. That’s a fact. Was he dragged to the altar under duress?Why is the woman always blamed in these cases? A smart man would have made iron-clad provisions for his children.

PP above is absolutely correct. It's such a slap-in-the-face that her father did that to PP and PP's siblings...but he made that choice regardless of who helped orchestrate it.

But in this case, it sounds like the dad was sick and dying and second wife took advantage of him by orchestrating that everything be left to her. Had they had a discussion about what should happen when he was healthy, and provisions had been made on what would happen if he was not in a good mental/physical state, this may not have happened. Which is all the more reason that OP needs to have this conversation now, before the marriage license is signed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not wrong tho....to ask about the will.

He is wrong. It has nothing to do with him. He is nosy and greedy.

Or, he's looking out for his wife?

Uh huh

[Anonymous]

What in the world is wrong with making sure that the money stays in the family? Money that was earned by the parents. Money is freedom and time. It's not about greed.

I come from a family of means going back generations. The money is preserved for future generations purposefully. It's not about greed. There is not lavish spending. It's about respect for those who left it and it's about security for the family who has survived them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What in the world is wrong with making sure that the money stays in the family? Money that was earned by the parents. Money is freedom and time. It's not about greed.

I come from a family of means going back generations. The money is preserved for future generations purposefully. It's not about greed. There is not lavish spending. It's about respect for those who left it and it's about security for the family who has survived them.

Because the money belongs to FIL and it is his choice what to do with it. He could leave it all to his new wife, he could blow it all in Vegas, the daughter (much less the son in law) has no say in it. A good father should want to provide for his kids and not disinherit them but if he is unwilling to do that, what do you propose that OP do to make sure that money stays in the family? Threaten to cut him off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's M.O.N.E.Y. He's terrified the new wife will spend your inheritance.

As has been brought up many times already in this thread, it's NOT just money.

There is also the issue of burial/cremation if the dad dies before his new wife.

There is time that will now be spent away from his grandchildren.

I'm a pp whose FIL remarried very quickly after the death of my MIL. The new wife also had children and grandchildren. It was very obvious that our children and Dh's siblings' children were not "getting a new grandma" with this arrangement, but the new wife's grandchildren were getting a new grandpa. They go to every soccer game, birthday party, etc. for her grandchildren. FIL's grandchildren? Not even major life events like graduations, important religious ceremonies, etc.

Why are all of you blaming the woman for these issues? Unless Dad has dementia, if he prioritizes his new wife and her kin and neglects his own kids, that is sh*tty but 100% on him. He is a grown man with agency. He is free to make his own choices and deal with the consequences.

+1

So many instances of this happening when men throw their biological kids under the bus when a new woman comes along. My stepfather did this with my mother...and his kids resent her and can barely stand to be around him.

My mom has always said that a man takes care of the kids of the woman he is having sex with - whether they are his kids or not. I’ve seen this play out time and time again over my 40+ years.

[Anonymous]

NP. The only concern OP's DH seems to have expressed, is about the loss of "his" inheritance. To him, this isn't about OP's mom's wedding ring, or family pictures, or burial plot. He believes that he is entitled to his FIL's money, and is upset that he might not get what he believes should be coming to him.

Some of the posters have raised legitimate concerns about OP's dad's future plans. The ones about long-term care, death and associated plans, those are things she should discuss with him before he gets married. She already has all the material things that are meaningful to her, and doesn't care if she gets her dad's money or not. It's not in the DH's place to butt into this.

Personally, I am really troubled by the attitude of many of the posters here. We are wealthy, entirely self made, and have one child. She is only 11, but knows that the only thing we *owe* her, is a good education, the best we can afford, in whatever career she chooses. She will come out with zero debt. Beyond that, whether we leave the money to charities, decide to flush it down the toilet, give it to other family members - she knows that she is not entitled to any of it, and is expected to make her own way in the world. We will likely not leave her nothing, but what we do leave her, will be entirely our choice.

If at any point in time, she decided to have some conversation with me about what she is entitled to, or some generational wealth bullshit, she will be entirely cut out of the trust. And I would consider myself a failed parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(she is 58, my dad is 68)

Roughly the same ages as my father and his 2nd wife when he remarried. He died 7 years later, so they had been together 10 years total. The "sweet" retired teacher 2nd wife got EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. No drama in our family, we were all very close with our dad, the 2nd wife was always nice. But again, she got EVERYTHING. Leading up to his death her family had helped orchestrate everything to go to her. Her sister was a lawyer, her brother was an accountant.

Yes, she helped him as he died on a terminal illness for 2 years. But is 2 years of in-home care worth over 3 million dollars? No, it is not. We were robbed by the 2nd wife.

You've been warned.

Your father made his choice.

What an awful thing to say! Sounds like the second wife took advantage of the situation and PP got screwed.

But the dad willingly married her. That’s a fact. Was he dragged to the altar under duress?Why is the woman always blamed in these cases? A smart man would have made iron-clad provisions for his children.

I suspect that my deceased FIL did make iron-clad provisions to protect his children (probably a trust that provides for them upon the death of their stepmother), but those provisions are secret because it’s not smart to put them in the position of rooting for their stepmother’s ASAP demise. (The children received low-8-figure inheritances upon his death as well.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What in the world is wrong with making sure that the money stays in the family? Money that was earned by the parents. Money is freedom and time. It's not about greed.

I come from a family of means going back generations. The money is preserved for future generations purposefully. It's not about greed. There is not lavish spending. It's about respect for those who left it and it's about security for the family who has survived them.

It not your place to tell your parents what they do with their money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What in the world is wrong with making sure that the money stays in the family? Money that was earned by the parents. Money is freedom and time. It's not about greed.

I come from a family of means going back generations. The money is preserved for future generations purposefully. It's not about greed. There is not lavish spending. It's about respect for those who left it and it's about security for the family who has survived them.

The OP’s wife IS his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What in the world is wrong with making sure that the money stays in the family? Money that was earned by the parents. Money is freedom and time. It's not about greed.

I come from a family of means going back generations. The money is preserved for future generations purposefully. It's not about greed. There is not lavish spending. It's about respect for those who left it and it's about security for the family who has survived them.

The OP’s wife IS his family.

The OP has a husband, not a wife. OP did not state whether they prefer "his" or "hers" pronouns.