DH has had a standing fri night zoom call with college buddies since pandemic began

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice for all younger women.
Do what you like and want and do it on regular basis. Nothing worse than a resentful spouse who is nasty, biting, but never actually goes to do things that they want.
Do you know how your male partner does this? Doesn't ask your permission for a simple thing as a zoom call? Do the same.
I go skiing on my own. I used to go to the movies, on my own. I go shopping on my own. I go on 2 hours walks, on my own(ok there is the dog too!).
I travel to Europe, on my own. I go on beach vacations on my own. I am also a great mom and a wife, and I do not resent my DH when he does things on his own.
You are welcome.

This all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d never ask for a weekly standing date with friends for Friday. Maybe twice a month or join when I can. Neither would my partner. Maybe a Wednesday, but not end of the week when we are all run down from pandemic pressure.

Agree

There seems to be significant degree of self centeredness and control going in from the DH. Giving a kid a screen at 7 or 8 instead of tucking them in and lights out is BS. Kid is a own here.

He won’t even put the kid to bed to let his wife talk to a friend caring for a hospitalize Covid family member?

All to have another call within his old fraternity brothers? I can’t imagine any adult with you children being able to commit to a non urgent call before 8pm.

But it’s obvious it was more important for OP to see DH give up his weekly Zoom call for one night and put the difficult son to bed at the normal time than the actual call with the sick friend. Otherwise she would have prioritized staying on the call with her friend over yelling at husband to get off his zoom call and getting upset about son having additional electronics time in their room. Maybe it’s because I don’t have this kinda energy for perfect parenting but if I have a crisis call and I need the kids to be quiet and distracted with electronics or even a later bedtime, I can live with that one day out of 365. Even if my DH is on deck, the kids argue, sometimes aren’t listening etc, and I have to block that out and focus on what a I am trying to get done.

OMG, some of you are clearly projecting your own sh*t onto the OP. She prioritized her child's bedtime and wellbeing over her Zoom...as opposed to her selfish DH who prioritized his Zoom over everyone else.

But what about the sick friend that could only have a group call on Friday. Again, OP can only control her own actions and she prioritized yelling at her DH over being supportive to her friend. In the grand scheme of life, her son isn’t going to remember being up on a Friday on electronics but her DH’s friends will remember her yelling on the Zoom, her friends will remember she had to cut the call short because she can’t trust her husband to put Larlo to bed and he was on electronics and maybe her son does remember his parents arguing and yelling. Was DH a little selfish, possibly, but all OP needed to do was let him deal with consequences of son, whether it was being cranky the next day or getting him back in the bedtime schedule.

However at the end of the day, even if we can’t agree on DCUM, the key is that OP and spouse partner are on the same page about parenting, schedules, etc and what they value and are willing to compromise on and it doesn’t seem to be the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d never ask for a weekly standing date with friends for Friday. Maybe twice a month or join when I can. Neither would my partner. Maybe a Wednesday, but not end of the week when we are all run down from pandemic pressure.

Agree

There seems to be significant degree of self centeredness and control going in from the DH. Giving a kid a screen at 7 or 8 instead of tucking them in and lights out is BS. Kid is a own here.

He won’t even put the kid to bed to let his wife talk to a friend caring for a hospitalize Covid family member?

All to have another call within his old fraternity brothers? I can’t imagine any adult with you children being able to commit to a non urgent call before 8pm.

But it’s obvious it was more important for OP to see DH give up his weekly Zoom call for one night and put the difficult son to bed at the normal time than the actual call with the sick friend. Otherwise she would have prioritized staying on the call with her friend over yelling at husband to get off his zoom call and getting upset about son having additional electronics time in their room. Maybe it’s because I don’t have this kinda energy for perfect parenting but if I have a crisis call and I need the kids to be quiet and distracted with electronics or even a later bedtime, I can live with that one day out of 365. Even if my DH is on deck, the kids argue, sometimes aren’t listening etc, and I have to block that out and focus on what a I am trying to get done.

OMG, some of you are clearly projecting your own sh*t onto the OP. She prioritized her child's bedtime and wellbeing over her Zoom...as opposed to her selfish DH who prioritized his Zoom over everyone else.

Some of you are projecting your own issues on to the the DH/ OP didn't go put the kid to bed all she did was go yell at her husband. Someone who is so concerned about kid's sleep is not starting screaming fights at bedtime. It's not about the bedtime it's about OP's martyrdom. Sure DH could have altered things to get the kid in bed on time without electronics, but that the didn't is not that egregious. OP's behavior in this situation is extremely toxic

Nope. If you stick to the OP, it's pretty obvious the DH acted like a jerk. Regardless of all the hypothetical nonsense the team-DH people are trying to throw at the wall, the fact is:

DH has had months of Fridays to visit on Zoom with friends.
She asked DH to put the child to bed this ONE week, so that she could attend a Zoom with friends.
He agreed but did not do what he said he would.

It doesn't matter what *you* think about OP's bedtime routine for her kid, it only matters what she and her DH have agreed on. Clearly, he broke the agreement.

This is on him.

I did stick to the OP which is why I have concluded OP's behavior is completely inappropriate.

deductive reasoning fail.

[Anonymous]

I like people that keep their word. Especially when I’m married to them.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if I know you irl?

I know a mom who set very rigid bedtimes for her kids. They’re older now, but still have rigid bedtimes. One time when we were chatting as a group, she commented how difficult her one child was with bedtime (struggling to fall asleep). As a veteran mom with twice the number of kids and real world experience, I gently commented that it’s counterproductive to force a bedtime when the older kid clearly doesn’t need to go down that early. Her response? The bedtimes were for her sanity and downtime. I get it, but that’s not cool.

She also told her DH what to do/how to handle the kids. Again: not cool.

My advice: take a deep breath, calm down, and step back. Your DH can handle the kids just fine. Apologize for the outburst, and explain your frustration—then promise to let go when he’s in charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d never ask for a weekly standing date with friends for Friday. Maybe twice a month or join when I can. Neither would my partner. Maybe a Wednesday, but not end of the week when we are all run down from pandemic pressure.

Agree

There seems to be significant degree of self centeredness and control going in from the DH. Giving a kid a screen at 7 or 8 instead of tucking them in and lights out is BS. Kid is a own here.

He won’t even put the kid to bed to let his wife talk to a friend caring for a hospitalize Covid family member?

All to have another call within his old fraternity brothers? I can’t imagine any adult with you children being able to commit to a non urgent call before 8pm.

But it’s obvious it was more important for OP to see DH give up his weekly Zoom call for one night and put the difficult son to bed at the normal time than the actual call with the sick friend. Otherwise she would have prioritized staying on the call with her friend over yelling at husband to get off his zoom call and getting upset about son having additional electronics time in their room. Maybe it’s because I don’t have this kinda energy for perfect parenting but if I have a crisis call and I need the kids to be quiet and distracted with electronics or even a later bedtime, I can live with that one day out of 365. Even if my DH is on deck, the kids argue, sometimes aren’t listening etc, and I have to block that out and focus on what a I am trying to get done.

OMG, some of you are clearly projecting your own sh*t onto the OP. She prioritized her child's bedtime and wellbeing over her Zoom...as opposed to her selfish DH who prioritized his Zoom over everyone else.

But what about the sick friend that could only have a group call on Friday. Again, OP can only control her own actions and she prioritized yelling at her DH over being supportive to her friend. In the grand scheme of life, her son isn’t going to remember being up on a Friday on electronics but her DH’s friends will remember her yelling on the Zoom, her friends will remember she had to cut the call short because she can’t trust her husband to put Larlo to bed and he was on electronics and maybe her son does remember his parents arguing and yelling. Was DH a little selfish, possibly, but all OP needed to do was let him deal with consequences of son, whether it was being cranky the next day or getting him back in the bedtime schedule.

However at the end of the day, even if we can’t agree on DCUM, the key is that OP and spouse partner are on the same page about parenting, schedules, etc and what they value and are willing to compromise on and it doesn’t seem to be the case.

So you think what the DH did is okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if I know you irl?

I know a mom who set very rigid bedtimes for her kids. They’re older now, but still have rigid bedtimes. One time when we were chatting as a group, she commented how difficult her one child was with bedtime (struggling to fall asleep). As a veteran mom with twice the number of kids and real world experience, I gently commented that it’s counterproductive to force a bedtime when the older kid clearly doesn’t need to go down that early. Her response? The bedtimes were for her sanity and downtime. I get it, but that’s not cool.

She also told her DH what to do/how to handle the kids. Again: not cool.

My advice: take a deep breath, calm down, and step back. Your DH can handle the kids just fine. Apologize for the outburst, and explain your frustration—then promise to let go when he’s in charge.

I don’t read OP as rigid with bedtimes. I do see a kid left in parents bedroom with a phone instead of their own room in bed. Because daddy needed to get his drink on with his boyfriends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just really envious your husband get a social visit pass no matter what is going on. What other parent is guaranteed weekly free time?

No reason she couldn't claim Saturday nights to herself! The martyrdom is ridiculous.

So her entire zoom group needs to reschedule around dh’s? How long does he get to claim Friday night? Forever?

Since there wasn't actually a real problem with the children--just one she invented--it was possible for both adults to enjoy their friend time on the same night.

But sure doesn't seem to be an issue with her claiming another night to herself since he already has a longstanding date with friends. Only pure pettiness would dictate a problem with selecting one of the other 6 nights open, since she can't seem to handle the way her DH does things.

Could you find any more excuses for a lazy dh? She tried to pick another night FFS!!!

Somoene is projecting and just looking to call men names. She didn't try to pick another night. She pretty much went along with what friends suggested. As pp pointed out Thursday was wide open, she didn't offer that. Her subsequent behavior shows OP just wanted to pick a fight. Thought I completely understand your taking up for , OP your name-calling and need to swear show similar lack of emotional control.

This is just ridiculous. People probably didn’t want a week night. Her dh does not now have a claim on Friday for eternity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if I know you irl?

I know a mom who set very rigid bedtimes for her kids. They’re older now, but still have rigid bedtimes. One time when we were chatting as a group, she commented how difficult her one child was with bedtime (struggling to fall asleep). As a veteran mom with twice the number of kids and real world experience, I gently commented that it’s counterproductive to force a bedtime when the older kid clearly doesn’t need to go down that early. Her response? The bedtimes were for her sanity and downtime. I get it, but that’s not cool.

She also told her DH what to do/how to handle the kids. Again: not cool.

My advice: take a deep breath, calm down, and step back. Your DH can handle the kids just fine. Apologize for the outburst, and explain your frustration—then promise to let go when he’s in charge.

Wow, you are really full of yourself. Judgy judgy. And you are projecting a whole lot of stuff on the OP without a basis to do so.

You think screen time is okay for kids right before bed? If OP doesn't and she has discussed this with DH, they need to iron that out.

[Anonymous]

Zoom has a mute feature. If he let it go on without utilizing that’s also not ok. Their are no saints here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like people that keep their word. Especially when I’m married to them.

this is it in a nutshell.

DH broke trust. All the rest of the rationalizing by some of you PPs on his behalf is nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like people that keep their word. Especially when I’m married to them.

this is it in a nutshell.

DH broke trust. All the rest of the rationalizing by some of you PPs on his behalf is nonsense.

Broke trust?

I doubt the mom made him swear to do the bedtime routine exactly as she would. She like said, “Dave, I’m zooming Friday night, so you’ll need to put the kids down.”

Did the kids disrupt her zoom? Nope.

Here’s what she should have done when her zoom wrapped and she discovered Larla was doomscrolling tik tok or playing roblox in her bed:

-Crawl into bed.
-Take away the screen.
-Cuddle her kid.
-Fall asleep.

DH could carry the kid to her own bed later.

NBD.

[Anonymous]

I bet dad leaves his kids in the car to grab some thing at the store.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if I know you irl?

I know a mom who set very rigid bedtimes for her kids. They’re older now, but still have rigid bedtimes. One time when we were chatting as a group, she commented how difficult her one child was with bedtime (struggling to fall asleep). As a veteran mom with twice the number of kids and real world experience, I gently commented that it’s counterproductive to force a bedtime when the older kid clearly doesn’t need to go down that early. Her response? The bedtimes were for her sanity and downtime. I get it, but that’s not cool.

She also told her DH what to do/how to handle the kids. Again: not cool.

My advice: take a deep breath, calm down, and step back. Your DH can handle the kids just fine. Apologize for the outburst, and explain your frustration—then promise to let go when he’s in charge.

I don’t read OP as rigid with bedtimes. I do see a kid left in parents bedroom with a phone instead of their own room in bed. Because daddy needed to get his drink on with his boyfriends.

And?

My kids love watching tv in my bedroom. My youngest fell asleep in our bed cuddled between us one night this week while we were watching a movie, and DH opted to go sleep in his bed rather than carry him (he’s 9). NBD.

I honestly think everyone taking a hardline on this is doing it for selfish reasons that have nothing to do with child wellbeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like people that keep their word. Especially when I’m married to them.

this is it in a nutshell.

DH broke trust. All the rest of the rationalizing by some of you PPs on his behalf is nonsense.

+1. If you say you can handle bedtime so I can do a call with my friends, do it. And I will do the same for you.

Also, putting the child in bed with an iPhone is not putting them to bed in most households. And, while one late night won’t kill them, I’m not really understanding how dad putting the kids to bed is being discussed as a special occasion. Doing the bedtime routine differently is fine but just not doing it is lazy.