Flame Me: I don't think affairs are generally a big deal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a therapist who works with the betrayed, there are life-long mental issues from betrayal in a marriage. It is serious.

A lot of assumptions here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are affairs and then there are affairs.

John Edwards having a years long affair and hiding a love child? Awful

The guy who is married to an ice queen who found someone who actually gave him a reason to smile for a change? Totally understandable.

What about the guy who has a hot, successful wife he screws 3-4 times per week yet bangs some women off the Internet 1-2 times per month? Mentally ill?

Or the bored housewife leading a double life? She won’t have sex with her husband yet has sex with a string of men/ repeat affairs?

The husband that secretly has sex with men? Gay? Bi?

The workplace affair- work husband/wife that see each other every day and have sex at lunch time? Worse than a once a month bang meet up?

The sex addict that pays prostitutes, massage workers and has a new partner weekly? Even greater risk for STDs.

The guy/gal that bangs people on out of town work trips?

None of these are okay because every single one of them involves lies, deceit, betrayal and health risks.

And something f@cked up inside the cheater...every scenario above.

[Anonymous]

And often something f@cked up in the non-cheating spouse, as demonstrated all over this thread.

[Anonymous]

“Affair choices are usually far more neurotic than marriage choices. When one is chosen to be an affair partner, one should not feel complimented. The most important characteristic of such affairees is their immediate availability.” However, with adultery-OP- it would be wise to remember Woody Allen’s comment “The most expensive sex is free sex”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of shit goes down in long-term relationship - fights, make-ups, ugly name calling, an occasional screaming match, etc. - and both partners will have periods of "going through something" in marriage.

But you kind of have to draw the line somewhere don't you?

If sticking his dick in someone is how your husband handles problems in his life, you could probably find a better human to be married to...

Or in my case: wife being a c@m dispenser to deal with her boredom and self-loathing

I think you mean “receptacle” not “dispenser”? Intelligence isn’t your strong point, is it?

Well, if they're not using condoms shes a dispenser, too, for at least a couple of hours afterwards. Try thinking outside the box

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a therapist who works with the betrayed, there are life-long mental issues from betrayal in a marriage. It is serious.

A lot of assumptions here.

And a clear bias ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: “Affair choices are usually far more neurotic than marriage choices. When one is chosen to be an affair partner, one should not feel complimented. The most important characteristic of such affairees is their immediate availability.” However, with adultery-OP- it would be wise to remember Woody Allen’s comment “The most expensive sex is free sex”.

Pretty accurate. Not too choosy online: where do you live, when can you meet, do you want nothing more than sex? Bingo! We found our affair partner (love of our life for a few months-year ).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on what kind of marriage you have. A lot of people have a more transactional kind of marriage (having children and a spouse's salary). DH and I were/are crazy in love. It would devastate either one of us and we'd be more upset with the emotional side of it versus the physical act of the affair.

This is us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on what kind of marriage you have. A lot of people have a more transactional kind of marriage (having children and a spouse's salary). DH and I were/are crazy in love. It would devastate either one of us and we'd be more upset with the emotional side of it versus the physical act of the affair.

This is us.

+1

We didn’t settle. It was head over heels, can’t live without you at age 25 (even though we both thought prior we’d wait until
30 to get married). We both also have good careers so staying together was not a financial consideration on either party’s part.

It’s fairly common to meet couples that settled, checked off boxes on a list and made a “good enough” rationalization, particularly when clock was ticking. I think this is the more common scenario in this area which is why there are so many pro-affair posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: “Affair choices are usually far more neurotic than marriage choices. When one is chosen to be an affair partner, one should not feel complimented. The most important characteristic of such affairees is their immediate availability.” However, with adultery-OP- it would be wise to remember Woody Allen’s comment “The most expensive sex is free sex”.

Pretty accurate. Not too choosy online: where do you live, when can you meet, do you want nothing more than sex? Bingo! We found our affair partner (love of our life for a few months-year ).

It becomes a serious problem when one party reads much more into the relationship than the other. It's usually the woman doing this since they have a harder time separating just physical from emotional. Men have no problem saying anything a woman wants to hear to get between her legs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Religion, sanctity of marriage, family of origin and values. I see drastically different views. It's easy to see why somebody that thinks it is 'no big deal' would never be able to understand somebody that requires 'no lies and honesty' in a marriage. Going behind a spouse's back and outright lying to their face is very serious and the lack of moral code/character for somebody to do that is not something I could accept in somebody I pledged to love, respect and cherish. No thanks.

Marriage is long. The theory or idea of it is drastically different than the lived reality of it. Sometimes you go through a dark time and make bad choices.

Is marriage then, only for those who have easy lifes or no mental illnesses?

I am the OP. My husband and I were living a pretty sexless life for a few years because of me. I think because of that when I found out he was cheating, I wasn't surprised.

Living a "pretty sexless life" is a decision that sex is unimportant. Given that, it can be no big deal when he does that unimportant thing elsewhere.
You ought not be surprised at all. In fact you should expect it and be grateful that his affair is avoiding the divorce you haven't filed / don't want.

Dude, please stop posting. We hear you. We've heard you. This is how you see marriage. It is not everyone's or even a majority opinion. Stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And often something f@cked up in the non-cheating spouse, as demonstrated all over this thread.

that's just your wishful thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And often something f@cked up in the non-cheating spouse, as demonstrated all over this thread.

that's just your wishful thinking.

Tell that to all the women boo-hooing and ranting here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: “Affair choices are usually far more neurotic than marriage choices. When one is chosen to be an affair partner, one should not feel complimented. The most important characteristic of such affairees is their immediate availability.” However, with adultery-OP- it would be wise to remember Woody Allen’s comment “The most expensive sex is free sex”.

Pretty accurate. Not too choosy online: where do you live, when can you meet, do you want nothing more than sex? Bingo! We found our affair partner (love of our life for a few months-year ).

It becomes a serious problem when one party reads much more into the relationship than the other. It's usually the woman doing this since they have a harder time separating just physical from emotional. Men have no problem saying anything a woman wants to hear to get between her legs.

Availability. If they fit in a schedule and don't crimp the main life. Unfortunately, many are looking for an escape from their own marriages---another man to land on. When they express that intention, they are dumped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: “Affair choices are usually far more neurotic than marriage choices. When one is chosen to be an affair partner, one should not feel complimented. The most important characteristic of such affairees is their immediate availability.” However, with adultery-OP- it would be wise to remember Woody Allen’s comment “The most expensive sex is free sex”.

Pretty accurate. Not too choosy online: where do you live, when can you meet, do you want nothing more than sex? Bingo! We found our affair partner (love of our life for a few months-year ).

It becomes a serious problem when one party reads much more into the relationship than the other. It's usually the woman doing this since they have a harder time separating just physical from emotional. Men have no problem saying anything a woman wants to hear to get between her legs.

I don't really think this is true. You can see it over and over on this forum. Men see physical intimacy and admiration as being more or less synonymous with love and emotional connection.

The reason men don't place as much importance on the relationship is because they are almost always more powerful than their AP.