Coming to terms with your teen being unmotivated and unimpressive?

[Anonymous]

I would ask yourself what he was like when he was very young. If he used to be super engaged and the sort of kid who always asked interesting questions, was busy "doing", thought deeply and wanted to "know more" than I would be very concerned. If he always seemed like a very "average" laidback, non competitive, not that curious person then maybe that's the way he is? Has he ever been tested for IQ, etc? Not saying you should if he hasn't but maybe he is just an average kid with no real strong interest in things beyond consuming what others do. I don't mean this rudely. My SIL is like this and I think always has been, based on my husbands memory, although she got decent grades and is a very nice person she was never the "star" at anything, she doesn't have that many interests beyond hanging out with friends and her family(her job is one that is not that intellectually stimulating but pays the bills), she has no "calling" or strong desire to create anything. She doesn't even like to cook. She is who she is and she found a husband who likes to "do" while she watches. They seem suited for each other.
I'm not like that and for years I thought she was very lame, frankly. But I've matured over time and come to "each their own" and BTW she seems happy enough. I've known her for over 20 years. Since she was 19.
I should add that her parents never put any pressure on her to "succeed". Neither did mine, but I have a number of innate "talents" and would feel profoundly unhappy if I never did anything creative and lived a life like my SIL. My husband also has an innate drive to do things and has been very successful in an entirely different field than I am.

This is a long way of saying that maybe after making sure nothing is going on physically with him,(important! especially is this is new behavior over the past couple years) you could just accept the possibility that he is an average person like most people out there and will just work in an office with a job someday that pays the bills, nothing "impressive", hopefully finds a partner who loves him and he loves back, and you can enjoy his company as a family doing things for fun you all in enjoy as life goes on? If he is just average you should just focus on having a loving relationship with him and accept him as he is. Who knows maybe he will surprise you later in life? Especially if he feels not judged now -- he may be less afraid to put himself out there later in life if the impulse strikes him!

[Anonymous]

All human beings have strengths and all human beings have weaknesses. To lead a happy and fulfilling life, a person needs to find a career that values their strengths and interests. ADHD runs rampant in my family and, not surprisingly 4 of my 5 kids have it too. The boys have really struggled in school and make mostly B and C grades in middle school and high school. The girls have found it easier to succeed at school. We have tried to help them learn organizational and executive function skills. It is often very frustrating for us. We also have tried to support what they are interested in - soccer, cooking, filmmaking, sewing, sailing, camping etc.. and it has been wonderful to see them find their own interests and passions that are different from ours and each other’s! Of course we worry about their futures but we do believe that if they develop passions they will find a path to a good life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask yourself what he was like when he was very young. If he used to be super engaged and the sort of kid who always asked interesting questions, was busy "doing", thought deeply and wanted to "know more" than I would be very concerned. If he always seemed like a very "average" laidback, non competitive, not that curious person then maybe that's the way he is? Has he ever been tested for IQ, etc? Not saying you should if he hasn't but maybe he is just an average kid with no real strong interest in things beyond consuming what others do. I don't mean this rudely. My SIL is like this and I think always has been, based on my husbands memory, although she got decent grades and is a very nice person she was never the "star" at anything, she doesn't have that many interests beyond hanging out with friends and her family(her job is one that is not that intellectually stimulating but pays the bills), she has no "calling" or strong desire to create anything. She doesn't even like to cook. She is who she is and she found a husband who likes to "do" while she watches. They seem suited for each other.
I'm not like that and for years I thought she was very lame, frankly. But I've matured over time and come to "each their own" and BTW she seems happy enough. I've known her for over 20 years. Since she was 19.
I should add that her parents never put any pressure on her to "succeed". Neither did mine, but I have a number of innate "talents" and would feel profoundly unhappy if I never did anything creative and lived a life like my SIL. My husband also has an innate drive to do things and has been very successful in an entirely different field than I am.

This is a long way of saying that maybe after making sure nothing is going on physically with him,(important! especially is this is new behavior over the past couple years) you could just accept the possibility that he is an average person like most people out there and will just work in an office with a job someday that pays the bills, nothing "impressive", hopefully finds a partner who loves him and he loves back, and you can enjoy his company as a family doing things for fun you all in enjoy as life goes on? If he is just average you should just focus on having a loving relationship with him and accept him as he is. Who knows maybe he will surprise you later in life? Especially if he feels not judged now -- he may be less afraid to put himself out there later in life if the impulse strikes him!

Yes, I find it very strange when some of these parents say that they will not "accept" their child going to community college, or learning a trade or whatever. Because short of crawling inside your child's skin and living their life for them, how do you MAKE someone else become the kind of student who goes to a certain kind of college vs. community college or something else? Most of you seem to have real boundary issues, not really understanding where you stop and the other person begins. I had a father who refused to "accept" my sister's marriage, her pregnancy, her wish to major in something other than the degree that he had picked out for her. He basically wrote her off and didn't talk to her for seven years. He has never 'accepted' my husband and has told several of us that we were bad investments, as far as he was concerned because he didn't get what he expected out of the relationship compared to what he put in. He attempted to pick out my husband for me, etc. He wanted the wealthy one and I wanted the one who was kind. FOr those of you who plan on manipulating your children into specific activities, specific grades, majors, colleges, professions, etc. do you plan on ever having that end? Are you just assuing that at the end of the day, your child will mature and thank you for basically living his or her life for them until they reach the age of 25 or 30? This seems like a recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

I would ask yourself what he was like when he was very young. If he used to be super engaged and the sort of kid who always asked interesting questions, was busy "doing", thought deeply and wanted to "know more" than I would be very concerned. If he always seemed like a very "average" laidback, non competitive, not that curious person then maybe that's the way he is? Has he ever been tested for IQ, etc? Not saying you should if he hasn't but maybe he is just an average kid with no real strong interest in things beyond consuming what others do. I don't mean this rudely. My SIL is like this and I think always has been, based on my husbands memory, although she got decent grades and is a very nice person she was never the "star" at anything, she doesn't have that many interests beyond hanging out with friends and her family(her job is one that is not that intellectually stimulating but pays the bills), she has no "calling" or strong desire to create anything. She doesn't even like to cook. She is who she is and she found a husband who likes to "do" while she watches. They seem suited for each other.
I'm not like that and for years I thought she was very lame, frankly. But I've matured over time and come to "each their own" and BTW she seems happy enough. I've known her for over 20 years. Since she was 19.
I should add that her parents never put any pressure on her to "succeed". Neither did mine, but I have a number of innate "talents" and would feel profoundly unhappy if I never did anything creative and lived a life like my SIL. My husband also has an innate drive to do things and has been very successful in an entirely different field than I am.

This sounds like it was written by my narcissistic sister-in-law about me, LOL! I'll be over here enjoying my stable GS-14 job, my quiet life, and my husband's cooking.

All we know about OP's kid is that he spends too much time in front of the TV for her taste, does not meet her standards in terms of athletic prowess, and is medicated for ADHD. I'm not sure why everyone thinks he is practically failing out of HS or doesn't want to go to college. My lazy ADHD kid who is not gifted and has no interest in academics still got As and Bs (he took 5 APs instead of 15), a high ACT score (he didn't prep), and is pursuing his lone interest in college. He became more involved near the end of HS - don't give up on your kid.

[Anonymous]

Failing out of school is next to impossible. You have to literally stop going. MCPS has a 90% graduation rate, for example.

And literally 50% of all 12th graders have an A average GPA, so people should stop acting like Bs and Cs or even As and Bs or is demonstrative of much of anything. Any parent who rides a below average teen can get them to eke out As and Bs quite easily. It's meaningless.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Maybe he’s just average? That’s OK, you know. Is he happy? Does he have friends?

+1. My teen DS plays more videogames than I'd like but I've learned that it's how he and his friends like to socialize. He's not at all competitive, doesn't like to join school teams/ clubs, but does well in class and, most importantly, he's kind and has good friends. He won't go to a college that DCUM finds impressive but I'm confident he'll find his way in life and be happy.

On DCUM a child is “average” because they “only” got a 1300 on the SAT or got a couple more Bs than As or only made district titles rather than state!

Grades are no longer a measure of success. ACT/SAT scores and college readiness rates are sliding, yet 50% of all 12th graders in the US have an A average GPA. Teens are several grade levels behind while maintaining As and Bs.

Do not look at your painfully unmotivated lazy child and pretend everything is ok because they have decent grades — EVERYONE has decent grades now. Nearly half the kids who begin college fail or drop out because they’re so many grade levels behind and have no discipline and no study skills.

NO EVERYONE does not have decent grades. I hate that DCUM perpetuates this lie. Plenty of kids in MCPS still struggle, and are "unimpressive". It's a very tough area to be average.

In 2019 my niece graduated from a half-decent public school district with a 3.33 GPA. Her parents bragged she was an As and Bs student who never had to study. She then decided to take classes at the local two-year community college, which required placement tests. She tested into remedial courses that were on par with 7th grade level material.

Grades are meaningless – especially non-honors and non-AP courses. And really, AP grades mean nothing if the kid can't earn at least a 3 on the AP Exam. Many kids take AP courses, get inflated grades, then totally skip or bomb the exams.

Oh shit.

That must have been a shock to them! I can't even imagine how humiliating that would be to find out. Damn.

It's easy to predict without placement tests. If your 11th grader scores in the teens to sub 23 on the ACT (or equivalent on the SAT), they have the acuity of a 6th to 10th grader. But most non-tiger parents have no idea what an ACT/SAT score actually means and just ignore if since inflated grades appear good.

I know plenty of people who got 20-22 on the ACT and are elementary teachers, in communications, etc. Breathe!

Good for you? The college graduation rate of teens with sub 22 or 23 on the ACT is only about 25%.

Graduation rate for 23 is 60%..

http://www.act.org/content/dam/act/unsecured/documents/Info-Brief-2012-30.pdf

Also, income level is a greater prediction of dropping out... and if you look at who drops out it's #1... money, #2... mental health... not ACT score.

You can't possibly believe 40% of the kids who score 15 or 16 on the ACT finish a bachelor's degree. It was more like <5% when I worked at a regional university. I would not put much faith in a 2012 chart put together by a for-profit test company.

[Anonymous]

I’ve only read the OP so far. Not all kids are competitive at sports. If he loves his “no cut” sport and enjoys it, who the F cares whether he practices or excels. I imagine it gets his body moving, and it enables him to interact with other people. It sounds like you want him to reflect well on you, or match your competitive, driven spirit, and that’s not a fair burden to put on him. Kids bloom and evolve at different times, some later than others. He will find his own path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve only read the OP so far. Not all kids are competitive at sports. If he loves his “no cut” sport and enjoys it, who the F cares whether he practices or excels. I imagine it gets his body moving, and it enables him to interact with other people. It sounds like you want him to reflect well on you, or match your competitive, driven spirit, and that’s not a fair burden to put on him. Kids bloom and evolve at different times, some later than others. He will find his own path.

And many never do, especially on this sort of path.

[Anonymous]

He should get a job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Failing out of school is next to impossible. You have to literally stop going. MCPS has a 90% graduation rate, for example.

And literally 50% of all 12th graders have an A average GPA, so people should stop acting like Bs and Cs or even As and Bs or is demonstrative of much of anything. Any parent who rides a below average teen can get them to eke out As and Bs quite easily. It's meaningless.

Tell that to the kids who struggle academically

[Anonymous]

And many never do, especially on this sort of path.

If you go to any college dorm in America, you will find young men playing video games and watching sports. This is not a "path to destruction" - it's part of the culture. OP didn't say that her kid is in a gang, selling drugs, a truant, etc. He's not ruined forever because he isn't competitive at his sport at a national level or the president of all the clubs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And many never do, especially on this sort of path.

If you go to any college dorm in America, you will find young men playing video games and watching sports. This is not a "path to destruction" - it's part of the culture. OP didn't say that her kid is in a gang, selling drugs, a truant, etc. He's not ruined forever because he isn't competitive at his sport at a national level or the president of all the clubs.

This. Cue dcum with “But Larlo isn’t like that therefore no boy is!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And many never do, especially on this sort of path.

If you go to any college dorm in America, you will find young men playing video games and watching sports. This is not a "path to destruction" - it's part of the culture. OP didn't say that her kid is in a gang, selling drugs, a truant, etc. He's not ruined forever because he isn't competitive at his sport at a national level or the president of all the clubs.

Depends on the dorm, depends on the caliber of college. A precocious overachiever can piss their day away and still get strong marks. Nitwits can't. Anyone can "go" to college, however, most unmotivated and unprepared boys fail out of the open admit colleges before getting a degree. At middle of the road UM-BC 30-40% of boys overall never graduate.

https://oir.umbc.edu/university-data/retention-graduate-rates/

Go to any ghetto or trailer park and you'll find plenty of young men and grown ass manchildren playing video games and watching teevee all day, too. Go to UMC class areas and you'll find plenty of failure to launch 20-somethings still in their childhood bedroom or basement doing the same. Absent any other pursuits, video game and teevee addiction are not hallmarks of success and maturation. Why are you pretending they are?

[Anonymous]

Here's my late-bloomer anecdote.

My male cousin was a jerk, a slacker with mostly Cs, and off and on pothead and boozer all through high school. His parents were mortified. He spent two years at a community college, then three years at a state university. Then another three years at an honestly mediocre law school.

He's now a successful hometown lawyer with a pretty wife and cute kids. He is even a trustee at his alma mater.

But dig deeper and k-12 he attended great private schools, he played 2 or 3 sports, he's handsome, charming, and nobody ever considered him dumb. His parents are also professionals, so he had all the safety nets and connections that come with that.

My point is to remain skeptical of anecdotes who act like its easy or normal to late bloom. It's really difficult to bounce back once you fall through the cracks and you're in "dummy track" courses in high school and you're around low-achieving peers most of the day for 9th-12th who don't give a shit about their futures. Falling behind in school usually leads to being forever behind. It's not anything a parent should be nonchalant about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why assuming no issues? My teen has severe ADHD and associated learning disabilities. His schooling is decent, but not impressive, and left to himself, he'd be playing video games all day, because ADHD and addictive personalities go hand in hand. He needs A LOT of supervision, and will need a lot of supervision in college as well. Despite what idiots say on DCUM about letting their kids fail at a certain age, my son is part of a population that needs an extra decade in order to be a responsible, productive, adult. I know, because my husband and myself were like this too, and we are grateful our parents steered us in the right direction for longer than average.

You might want to double check whether yours has ADHD.

I so agree with this. I have 3 boys. My oldest has ADHD and it is a struggle to get him organized. I am always reminding him of everything. He is a good kid, very smart, high IQ, but man, he really doesn't like to put effort into anything. If I were to leave him be, he would fail everything because he would forget everything. He will definitely need help during college. We haven't figured it out yet, but maybe he can take technical course for a couple of years before going off to college. My husband was the same way, he barely graduated from high school and took a job at a restaurant right after. He later took some courses that he liked, and 6 years after graduating from high school, he went to college. His grades were not great, but he did it. Now here is the best part, he is amazing at his job, because he is doing something he loves to do. He hyperfocuses on things he enjoys. I have two Masters, and he makes more money than I do. So OP, some kids need a lot longer, not everyone is the same. I to this day regret not redshirting my oldest.