What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?

[Anonymous]

Gene Johnson, 87 years old, went to see his doctor. The doctor asked how he was doing.

"Doc, I'm having a passionate love affair with a 25-year old redhead who can't get enough of me. She wears nothing but her birthday suit inside the house and she's an absolute animal in the sack. Some days, we only break for lunch. I'm telling you, this dame is a firecracker!"

"Mr. Johnson, you don't sound concerned, so why are you telling me this?"

"Ah hell, I'm telling everybody!"

[Anonymous]

I once heard a terrible joke about Amazon.

It was ruined by the delivery.

[Anonymous]

Santa doesn't have to pay parking fees for his sleigh, because parking is on the house.

[Anonymous]

A man is at his house when he hears a loud knock on his door. He looks out the window and sees a police officer so he opens up and says, "Hello officer, what can I do for you?"

The officer says, "I'm sorry sir, but you're under arrest for illegally downloading all of wikipedia."

Frantically, the man replies, "Officer wait, I can explain everything!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man is at his house when he hears a loud knock on his door. He looks out the window and sees a police officer so he opens up and says, "Hello officer, what can I do for you?"

The officer says, "I'm sorry sir, but you're under arrest for illegally downloading all of wikipedia."

Frantically, the man replies, "Officer wait, I can explain everything!"

Hahaha

[Anonymous]

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?








Because he's married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ein Mann sagt seinem Hund "Platz!" Der Hund platzt.

I don’t get this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ein Mann sagt seinem Hund "Platz!" Der Hund platzt.

??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Solomon, an elderly Holocaust survivor, dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he asks to tell God a joke. God agrees and Solomon tells the Almighty a Holocaust joke. When he’s finished, God says "That's not funny." “I guess you had to be there,” Solomon says.

Still not funny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This white guy, black guy, asian guy, jewish guy, latino guy and middleastern guy all walk into a lesbian bar, and the bartender yells "GET THE FUK OUT!"

I dont get this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Solomon, an elderly Holocaust survivor, dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he asks to tell God a joke. God agrees and Solomon tells the Almighty a Holocaust joke. When he’s finished, God says "That's not funny." “I guess you had to be there,” Solomon says.

Still not funny

It's not meant to be laugh out loud/haha funny. It's a wry/dark joke about G*d not being there in such a dark, troubled time. Where was He? Why did he let his chosen people suffer like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is a viola different from an onion?

-Nobody cries when you peel a viola.

How are a violist’s fingers like a scud missile?

-They’re both highly inaccurate and offensive.

If you throw a viola and a trumpet out a window, which one will hit the ground first?

-Who cares?



Orchestra nerd jokes.

How do you clean a tuba?
- Tuba toothpaste

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ein Mann sagt seinem Hund "Platz!" Der Hund platzt.

I don’t get this one.

Dumb. Not funny. The dog sat. So?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love that Ricky Gervais joke about the Holocaust. It's very specifically pointing out the horror of it.

(Pp again. I'm taking about the one he tells Jerry Seinfeld in Comedians in Cars. Google it and watch the video clip. It plays better out loud than on paper, imo)

Solomon, an elderly Holocaust survivor, dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he asks to tell God a joke. God agrees and Solomon tells the Almighty a Holocaust joke. When he’s finished, God doesn’t laugh. “I guess you had to be there,” Solomon says.

I'm Jewish and I laughed out loud.