What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
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Anonymous
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A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, OK? Look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and has not seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck, if he wants sex, don't resist. Don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!" |
Anonymous
Love! 
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Anonymous
These are my favorites. |
Anonymous
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Joke teller: Have you see the movie Constipation?
Me: No Joke teller: It hasn't come out yet! Joke teller is a 10 year old...... |
Anonymous
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art What if he has no tongue? Tasteless Art What do you call his arms and legs? Pieces of Art |
Anonymous
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What do you call an Asian female with one short leg?
Irene. |
Anonymous
American/Irish version - Eileen |
Anonymous
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What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging in a window?
Curt & Rod |
Anonymous
This is one of my favorites! And I’m 50 years old. 
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Anonymous
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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims |
Anonymous
I'm also Chinese and found it cute. I goes along with these: Did you hear about the fat person? They had more Chins than a Chinese phone book. How to Chinese name their children? They drop their silverware. I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629." My Dad knew a old Chinese immigrant name Abraham Goldstein. He asked the guy how he got the name. The man told him he came through Ellis Island. The immigration agent asked the man in front of him what his name was and the man in front said "Abraham Goldstein." The agent let him through. Then the agent asked this man what his name was. He answered "Sam Ting". |
Anonymous
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Okay, a friend just posted this on FB and it's the funniest joke I've seen recently, and I thought it would be a good addition here.
===== Your DUCK IS DEAD A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500." |
Anonymous
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"I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said "F!*k it, cut em up!"
Mitch Hedberg |
Anonymous
| HAHAHA lab report and cat scan : ) |
Anonymous
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A shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone.
Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him: “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.” |