What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?

[Anonymous]

Where does the cowboy take his trash?
To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did I ever tell you about my grandfather? He’s got the heart of a lion. He can also never go back to the zoo.

I heard this as,

Stephen King has the heart of a small child. in a jar. on his desk.

[Anonymous]

When I got home my entire house was filled with stringed instruments so I called 911.

The police said it was the worst case of domestic violins they had ever seen.

[Anonymous]

The best jokes are told by bozo clown Trump when he speaks. We all sit in a room and play his speeches and laugh. It’s a Comedy Central night!

[Anonymous]

Two dogs and a cat go to Heaven. They are brought before God. God asks the first dog why he should be allowed into Heaven. The dog says that he was loyal and protected his family including once stopping a robber from entering the house. God tells the dog he is good and that he can sit to God's left. God asks the second dog why he should be allowed into Heaven. The dog says that he was trained to help rescue people and once tracked down a hiker who was lost and brought them back to safety before they died. God tells the second dog that he is good and he can sit to God's right. God turns to the cat who says "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

??

If I translate it, you would literally die laughing. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Funniest_Joke_in_the_World

[Anonymous]

I went to the doctor the other day. He gave me six months to live.

"Doctor," I said, "I can't pay my bill."

"Alright," he said, "I'll give you another six months."

[Anonymous]

Did you know 2x10 is same as 2x11 ?

One is twenty and other is twenty too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Solomon, an elderly Holocaust survivor, dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he asks to tell God a joke. God agrees and Solomon tells the Almighty a Holocaust joke. When he’s finished, God says "That's not funny." “I guess you had to be there,” Solomon says.

Still not funny

It's not meant to be laugh out loud/haha funny. It's a wry/dark joke about G*d not being there in such a dark, troubled time. Where was He? Why did he let his chosen people suffer like that?

More devastating than funny, but not inappropriate as most probably were imagining.

[Anonymous]

A detective in the Arctic was interrogating a murder suspect:

"Where were you on the night of September to March?"

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni now.

[Anonymous]

I’m feeling very meloncholy because I cantaloupe.

[Anonymous]

Just spent $300 on a limo and found out it didn't include a driver.

All that money with nothing to chauffeur it.

[Anonymous]

A genie offers a man three wishes and explains "Whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double."

"I wish for a billion dollars." He instantly becomes a billionaire and across town his ex-wife gets two billion.

"I wish to be extremely attractive." He becomes exceedingly handsome while his ex-wife becomes twice as beautiful.

"And for your third wish?" the genie asks.

The man thinks about it carefully and then replies "Scare me half to death."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 4 year old granddaughter told me this one and while not the best it was the cutest. “Grandma, why does everyone hate the number seven? Because seven eight nine.”

I think it's pretty funny!