My adult step-daughter wants to move in with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this can all be solved if dad says "you can move in if you promise to either a) re-enroll in school within 3 months, or b) get a job within 3 months". Bet you anything stepdaughter will no longer want to move in. And if she does move in and is actually motivated to get a job and a life, it's a win for everyone - she will make friends and/or have money and I'm guessing she will want to live someplace a little more fun and enjoyable than dad and stepmom's tiny house.

I'm not even sure why you would give her 3 months to get a job. She can walk over to numerous retail stores and have a job within days. Some places are so desperate for workers they are hiring on the spot.

I think it's reasonable to allow a few months to get something a little more stable, like an office job. The girl did go to college for some of the time, maybe she can be a receptionist at a local office or something.

[Anonymous]

If I were the mom, I would be so pissed that y'all moved her in with no stipulations. Mom is trying to get her daughter to stop being lazy. Trust me, I had one of these 22 year olds who didn't think she needed to work. Worst thing is to just let them continue this thinking. It takes a firm hand to get them to snap out of their lazy streak.

So, my advice, so sure, you can move in, but if you choose not to go back to school, rent is XXX or school with a grade avg. of XXX. Then set a year limit....period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that you might not like her moving in. But children always come first. She comes before you. Always will. And I would personally divorce my second husband before he would try to tell me what to do with my children.

I am actually surprised you're only on your second husband.

You should be - since I'm still on husband #1.

Consider me shocked then. I know several couples with the "children" always first mentality. Funny how they're either miserable or divorced and the kids are brats.

Putting a 2nd spouse above kids of first spouse is COMPLETELY different than putting first marriage above kids. Kids don’t experience mom or dad as competition like they do a second spouse. One of the many reasons blended families are a really not at all ideal and should be avoided if at all possible.

this girl is not a girl she is a woman and she is an adult.

Time to learn how to sort her own shit out.

I am amazed by the comments in here.

In my day, 22 was considered an adult.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't let her move in.

I know this type well. Entitled, blind to her own privilege, lazy, and a user.

Setting time limits will do no good. She won't move out at the end and it'll turn into a scene your DH can't stomach.

She won't move out till she finds a man to support her and that is the truth.

[Anonymous]

Op do you have children from previous marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For what it is worth we live in a very small house. She never lived with us for more than a weekend at a time as her mom had primary custody when they were kids. We get along fine, i just work too hard and have worked too hard for too long to get to this nice stage in our lives where we can relax and be ourselves to have the dynamic in our home upended.

Sounds like you got off easy on the last. Your turn now.
22 is just barely an adult.
You are a nightmare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were the mom, I would be so pissed that y'all moved her in with no stipulations. Mom is trying to get her daughter to stop being lazy. Trust me, I had one of these 22 year olds who didn't think she needed to work. Worst thing is to just let them continue this thinking. It takes a firm hand to get them to snap out of their lazy streak.

So, my advice, so sure, you can move in, but if you choose not to go back to school, rent is XXX or school with a grade avg. of XXX. Then set a year limit....period.

+1, by letting her move in, you are undermining mom. The only way I'd let her move in is to pay rent and go to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For what it is worth we live in a very small house. She never lived with us for more than a weekend at a time as her mom had primary custody when they were kids. We get along fine, i just work too hard and have worked too hard for too long to get to this nice stage in our lives where we can relax and be ourselves to have the dynamic in our home upended.

Sounds like you got off easy on the last. Your turn now.
22 is just barely an adult.
You are a nightmare

They may have gotten off very hard and Dad would have loved more time or even custody but the courts/Mom would not agree. Mom created this problem with full custody, she can fix it.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in this situation for a while. Stepkid who just does not want to work. No clinical diagnosis of depression or anything, just....doesn’t want to work. Didn’t finish college. Doesn’t want to do anything. All four of the parental units banded together to come up with a plan - find work within x amount of time or move out. She has surpassed the deadline and is still living at home. Claims she can’t find a job she likes. And everyone is too afraid to call her bluff and have her move out. I told my husband (her father) that I think there’s a point where you have to have some tough love, but he’s afraid she will get in trouble or run up a huge debt on her credit card...it’s really a tough situation to be in for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been in this situation for a while. Stepkid who just does not want to work. No clinical diagnosis of depression or anything, just....doesn’t want to work. Didn’t finish college. Doesn’t want to do anything. All four of the parental units banded together to come up with a plan - find work within x amount of time or move out. She has surpassed the deadline and is still living at home. Claims she can’t find a job she likes. And everyone is too afraid to call her bluff and have her move out. I told my husband (her father) that I think there’s a point where you have to have some tough love, but he’s afraid she will get in trouble or run up a huge debt on her credit card...it’s really a tough situation to be in for all of us.

We don't know if there is a step-dad or even if Mom includes Dad in the parenting decisions. Mom created this problem and needs to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

This is well said and so true. Op, I took my step daughter in (hate this wording) because her mother was a f g joke. This poor girl poured her heart and soul into her relationship with her mother only to have that very same person toss her to the wind when my stepdaughter was clearly crying out for help. Age is not an issue in some children of divorce, sometimes they just never adjusted and got the help or guidance they needed during or after the divorce process. My step daughter at 19 ( one year into college) need therapy desperately, and we were thankfully able to help and give her that support. She left her college and took community college courses until she was ready to transfer back into her four year university. In all, she graduated with her degree in six years, with our support and guidance. I treasure that time because I KNOW we were able to give her a lifeline she was seeking and we are a big part of the reason why she is now pursuing her graduate degree, is engaged to an amazing man and yes, gainfully employed. I sleep better at night knowing she is secure and peaceful, and so does her father, my husband. Was it a curveball I wasn't expecting, yes, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I love, love, love having her at our family dinners and seeing that beautiful smiles. I only wish I had stepped in earlier.

What a good person you are. I'm so glad your stepdaughter has you in her life

[Anonymous]

Direct her to an off-ramp, one that leads to a place to camp. It's not about money OP might've lent, it's about the necessity of the TENT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would you tell your biological 22 year old daughter?

Frankly, 22 isn't ridiculously old to want to move home. I would make any child work, go to school (or trade school), etc. But I would always provide a home for my children. That's what parents do!

Well...my parents had a rule that we all moved out when we were 18 so I'm not sure my opinion would be different. I guess I grew up more independent and have that as my mindset. But you make a good point that parents need to provide a home for their kid. Her problem is she does not want to work. Her mom told us she spends all day at home (no local friends - they're all away at school). She has applied to a few jobs but hasn't had any luck. This would be her first job so she doesn't have any work experience.

Why did she leave college? It sounds like she may be depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would you tell your biological 22 year old daughter?

Frankly, 22 isn't ridiculously old to want to move home. I would make any child work, go to school (or trade school), etc. But I would always provide a home for my children. That's what parents do!

Well...my parents had a rule that we all moved out when we were 18 so I'm not sure my opinion would be different. I guess I grew up more independent and have that as my mindset. But you make a good point that parents need to provide a home for their kid. Her problem is she does not want to work. Her mom told us she spends all day at home (no local friends - they're all away at school). She has applied to a few jobs but hasn't had any luck. This would be her first job so she doesn't have any work experience.

Why did she leave college? It sounds like she may be depressed.

Wouldn't dropping out of college make someone even more depressed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone considered that she's depressed and needs help?

+1