women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just an observation, for those that think this problem does not exist...

I own a tutoring business. Out of thousands of new clients who have initially contacted me throughout the years, I can count on one hand how many of those were dads.

These moms I deal with are doctors and lawyers, scientists and journalists- very well-educated, busy women. Dads on the whole just don't pick up the slack. They don't manage the kid stuff- they only show up if they're told to. UGH.

Yes, and I happily deal with my kids tutoring, I have one in math tutoring. I dont bean count the basic tasks in life we have to do. My DH does many things I never touch that makes the house run happy and smooth.

Furthermore getting your kid tutoring is not mentally exhausting. My kid goes to the exact same math center 2xs a week. No scheduling needed. Whomever is free drops the kid off and picks the kid up.

Again, how are basic life tasks hard for you people? And if simple life is hard, just use your big girl words and assign them out.

Then why aren't around 50% of parents involved with tutoring or their child's IEP process dads? My family is unusual in that my DH attends some of the IEP meetings but he has not spent the countless hours researching the ES programs in our area, understanding services and accommodations, and talking to other moms to glean their experiences and insights on managing an IEP for a complex kid. He didn't attend DDVA meetings to learn from experts about assistive technology, meet and Facebook friend an in demand ALTA certified language therapist in order to pounce on the opportunity when she had an opening for another student. In fact I have never seen a man who is not a professional in the field participate in our county's autism group. The only men who I've ever seen attend a DDVA meeting were presenters, young adult children of the organizer, and, one time, a spouse.

If this is all so easy then why is it women 99% of the time?

Oh .. and juggled work schedules to make the open slot work, redid the family budget to include the expense, entered everything into the calendar for the next year including finding out which days she's "closed" to remove those, and then talked to DC's teacher and continued to monitor that what they are doing in school aligns with what we are doing privately ... which goes back to hours researching DC's LD to understand proven methodologies.

Man here. I’m the one who noticed something wasn’t quite right at 15 months old. I’m the one who researched and realized what was coming. I’m the one who pushed us to get to diagnostic physicians. I’m the one who knew what diagnosis was coming at 18 months olds. I’m the one who was ready to pounce when the diagnosis hit at 19 months because I was a few months ahead of my wife. I was the one who identified ABA centers, OT, PT, ST and so on... I was the one that quit my job (even though I made more) so that we could focus on the issues and coordinate across therapies. I’m the one who identified the perfect school for him and got us moved to the area of the school.

2 years after the diagnosis things were largely under control, my wife had caught up to me and we needed my income. Consistent with what we always wanted anyways, she now stays home (we’re 6+ years post diagnosis). Never once did I think “why am I carrying the water in this?” All I knew is that this is what my family needed.

While I attend every school meeting in person, at this point, my job (investment banking) doesn't allow me the time to be involved in everything. I assure you that my wife and I discuss everything in detail, even if I’m not at meetings for organizations or therapies. Often (greater than 75% of the time), I conference call in for updates with various therapists, or, for example, I email the sports coach/PT about things I’m working on at home with my child. My secretary knows that a certain hour of each week is always blocked off and I spend that hour researching spectrum issues just so I can stay up to date. My spouse and I trust each other’s judgment.

You may not physically see me; and I freely admit that I don’t have the ability to devote time to community issues for families on the spectrum. I am involved.

You are an outlier.

[Anonymous]

Yeah talk to my banker husband, he can’t even remember what time the private school interview is even if it’s on his calendar and he was reminded the night before and morning off before I left for a day trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I've brought this up, DH is totally game to take on more. He just says he is "bad" at remembering and figuring this stuff out, so if I could just write him a list for everything, explain what needs to be done, and remind him he'll happily do it. He totally did not get it when I pointed out that this was not shifting any of the burden, just creating work for both of us.

Yeah they want to check out and only do a few things and only at execution stage if they’re available or have to. Must be nice to have someone managing everything and being the Man or the Hiusrbyet having to be told what to do, how, when, reminded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ exactly why being married to a white male and having kids sucks.

great. for the good of the nation, please remain single.

More and more career women hit 49 and become Single Mothers By Choice. They hire a nanny, manage the household, raise the child and continue working. And honestly, they’re way ahead because they don’t have a deadweight expecting them to manage the house, raise the kids, work hard st home or office and clean up his messes and mistakes. Both sets of moms are singlehandedly doing most everything, why bother with a Guy unless he is an active parent and leader in the house and family.

[Anonymous]

Hit 40 I meant.
Frankly I’m going to tell my daughters to do the same, maybe at 35.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ exactly why being married to a white male and having kids sucks.

great. for the good of the nation, please remain single.

More and more career women hit 49 and become Single Mothers By Choice. They hire a nanny, manage the household, raise the child and continue working. And honestly, they’re way ahead because they don’t have a deadweight expecting them to manage the house, raise the kids, work hard st home or office and clean up his messes and mistakes. Both sets of moms are singlehandedly doing most everything, why bother with a Guy unless he is an active parent and leader in the house and family.

Go be single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ exactly why being married to a white male and having kids sucks.

This thread isn't getting any young men excited about marrying and breeding with white women, either, just so you know.

And we won't be the ones whining, "waaah why won't men man up and marry us and have children so they can schedule and pay for the 10,000 tasks that we think must, must, must be done?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just an observation, for those that think this problem does not exist...

I own a tutoring business. Out of thousands of new clients who have initially contacted me throughout the years, I can count on one hand how many of those were dads.

These moms I deal with are doctors and lawyers, scientists and journalists- very well-educated, busy women. Dads on the whole just don't pick up the slack. They don't manage the kid stuff- they only show up if they're told to. UGH.

OK, so women are the ones driven nuts by status anxiety who think that precious little Emma and Jayden won't get into HYPS if they don't get tutoring, got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hit 40 I meant.
Frankly I’m going to tell my daughters to do the same, maybe at 35.

Don't be surprised when you end up with zero grandchildren. Your daughters might send you photos of their dogs, though. Yay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just an observation, for those that think this problem does not exist...

I own a tutoring business. Out of thousands of new clients who have initially contacted me throughout the years, I can count on one hand how many of those were dads.

These moms I deal with are doctors and lawyers, scientists and journalists- very well-educated, busy women. Dads on the whole just don't pick up the slack. They don't manage the kid stuff- they only show up if they're told to. UGH.

Yes, and I happily deal with my kids tutoring, I have one in math tutoring. I dont bean count the basic tasks in life we have to do. My DH does many things I never touch that makes the house run happy and smooth.

Furthermore getting your kid tutoring is not mentally exhausting. My kid goes to the exact same math center 2xs a week. No scheduling needed. Whomever is free drops the kid off and picks the kid up.


Again, how are basic life tasks hard for you people? And if simple life is hard, just use your big girl words and assign them out.

You’re missing the point, PP. Why is this a MOM job? If dads were truly on the whole equally participating in raising kids, I’d have a lot more calls and emails from dads. Sure, there’s some anecdotal evidence that not ALL dads are like this, and of course, I’m not expecting every mom in every family to hand off this task to their partners, but jeebus. As it stands from here, 99% of dads don’t manage this task. We’ve gotta examine this situation and what it says about the gender roles we expect and accept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ exactly why being married to a white male and having kids sucks.

great. for the good of the nation, please remain single.

More and more career women hit 49 and become Single Mothers By Choice. They hire a nanny, manage the household, raise the child and continue working. And honestly, they’re way ahead because they don’t have a deadweight expecting them to manage the house, raise the kids, work hard st home or office and clean up his messes and mistakes. Both sets of moms are singlehandedly doing most everything, why bother with a Guy unless he is an active parent and leader in the house and family.

Go be single.

49??? LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ exactly why being married to a white male and having kids sucks.

great. for the good of the nation, please remain single.

More and more career women hit 49 and become Single Mothers By Choice. They hire a nanny, manage the household, raise the child and continue working. And honestly, they’re way ahead because they don’t have a deadweight expecting them to manage the house, raise the kids, work hard st home or office and clean up his messes and mistakes. Both sets of moms are singlehandedly doing most everything, why bother with a Guy unless he is an active parent and leader in the house and family.

Go be single.

Are these white women because they enjoy the same privileges as white males. It is always a chuckle when a rich white woman complainis about rich white men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ exactly why being married to a white male and having kids sucks.

great. for the good of the nation, please remain single.

More and more career women hit 49 and become Single Mothers By Choice. They hire a nanny, manage the household, raise the child and continue working. And honestly, they’re way ahead because they don’t have a deadweight expecting them to manage the house, raise the kids, work hard st home or office and clean up his messes and mistakes. Both sets of moms are singlehandedly doing most everything, why bother with a Guy unless he is an active parent and leader in the house and family.

Go be single.

Are these white women because they enjoy the same privileges as white males. It is always a chuckle when a rich white woman complainis about rich white men.

trust me, the privileges are not anywhere close to the same. i'm not saying women of color don't have a more difficult hill to climb at every turn, but it's still 1000 times harder to be a woman than to be a man, even a white one.

plus, black women age a million times better than white women, and don't face cultural expectations to be anorexic...

[Anonymous]

This is another reason women fall behind in the workplace after having kids. It’s the million things we are expected to do. Most women want a decent quality of life so many of the things that we do aren’t truly necessary to survive.

Just today I went to the pool with my child and husband. Here’s what I did to make it to the pool:

1. Order swim diapers last week
2. Order a float
3. Order a swimsuit earlier this year in son’s size
4. Order sunscreen
5. Put sunscreen on child
6. Pack stroller, including water for child
7. Decide time to go to the pool (in between naps)
8. Get myself ready


Here’s what my husband did:

1. Dress himself
2. Ask me where the sunscreen is
3. Push the stroller.


I suppose we could have not gone to the pool? Was it necessary to survive? No, but it’s things like this that make life nice. Other examples include vacations, parties, a clean house, nice meals, well dressed kids, kids enjoying activities, pets, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ exactly why being married to a white male and having kids sucks.

great. for the good of the nation, please remain single.

More and more career women hit 49 and become Single Mothers By Choice. They hire a nanny, manage the household, raise the child and continue working. And honestly, they’re way ahead because they don’t have a deadweight expecting them to manage the house, raise the kids, work hard st home or office and clean up his messes and mistakes. Both sets of moms are singlehandedly doing most everything, why bother with a Guy unless he is an active parent and leader in the house and family.

Go be single.

Are these white women because they enjoy the same privileges as white males. It is always a chuckle when a rich white woman complainis about rich white men.

trust me, the privileges are not anywhere close to the same. i'm not saying women of color don't have a more difficult hill to climb at every turn, but it's still 1000 times harder to be a woman than to be a man, even a white one.

plus, black women age a million times better than white women, and don't face cultural expectations to be anorexic...

LMAO. Being a white woman is playing life on Easy Mode. You're busy inventing fake challenges and difficulties so you can feel a delusional sense of achievement when you run the score up.