MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just his parents? Who else is invited?

OP here. I should have mentioned—BIL and his wife and two kids are coming and staying overnight. DH’s single cousin is coming, he can bring friends if he wants. DH aunt and uncle also coming. DH’s parents could also stay overnight with us if they choose to. We also have 2 kids.

Your MIL is being silly. She can tell her friends that times are changing and she will be going to your house this year.

Don’t push on your end though—let her sons be the ones to get her the rest of the way on this. “Mom, are you really not going to come see all of us? C’mon, we still want you to make your famous pecan pie (or whatever).”

Yes, your MIL is engaging in magical thinking that if she doesn't host that her friends can not figure out something else to do that day. Amazingly they can and will even if that means they stay at home which btw may be exactly what they want to do.

Personally, I hate Thanksgiving and we never host. I would be fine if no one invited us either because I would love the day to stay at home, hang out, do nothing, and no big cooking to do.

Is it just the mother in law, or mother and father in law? Another post says there's no father involved in this, but this one says parents.

OP here. It's just his mother. FIL is not in the picture. I haven't corrected some posters who added in "parents" on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL hosts Thanksgiving. Period. End of Story. When she is dead someone else can host. This seems to work for my in laws. Sure I'd like to host but it isn't worth the fight. So I pick another day (a few months later) and invite the whole family.

+1 I'm in this boat and not about to rock it. We bring the ham!

Yep. Assuming that MIL is only this attached to Thanksgiving, it really does sound like OP is engaged in a massive power play. She could have picked a different holiday to take over. She also didn't have to make hers "the" family thanksgiving by inviting all the relatives in April (!!). OP could have just celebrated at home with a small group instead of insisting on taking the whole thing over. It seems really pretty mean. OP why don't you just do Easter or Christmas?

Per OP’s posts, MIL hosts literally everything, and always has. OP just wants one holiday. I understand not wanting to travel for every single holiday with young kids.

Yes, and thank you! It's hard enough to deal with holidays, and we have to travel every single time it's his family's "turn," which means at least either Thanksgiving or Christmas, and Easter or Fourth of July, with other visits to her home sprinkled in routinely throughout the year. I know 2.5-3 hours isn't a long distance, but traveling for every single holiday with her is tough. My family mixes it up, so there is some travel sometimes for "their" holidays, but they are coming to us sometimes, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just his parents? Who else is invited?

OP here. I should have mentioned—BIL and his wife and two kids are coming and staying overnight. DH’s single cousin is coming, he can bring friends if he wants. DH aunt and uncle also coming. DH’s parents could also stay overnight with us if they choose to. We also have 2 kids.

Your MIL is being silly. She can tell her friends that times are changing and she will be going to your house this year.

Don’t push on your end though—let her sons be the ones to get her the rest of the way on this. “Mom, are you really not going to come see all of us? C’mon, we still want you to make your famous pecan pie (or whatever).”

Yes, your MIL is engaging in magical thinking that if she doesn't host that her friends can not figure out something else to do that day. Amazingly they can and will even if that means they stay at home which btw may be exactly what they want to do.

Personally, I hate Thanksgiving and we never host. I would be fine if no one invited us either because I would love the day to stay at home, hang out, do nothing, and no big cooking to do.

True, the friends could find something else to do, but some people really like traditions. Some people really like celebrating holidays the same way every year- that's the definition of a tradition.

Sure, you can do new things and some people like to do new and different things every year, but some families really get a sense of warmth and comfort from gathering together in the same place, with the same people year after year. Different families and friend groups like to do different things.

One is not better than the other, but it's not entirely fair to try to push a family you've married into to change because you want them to. It's one thing if I want my mom and dad to do things differently and I push them to do what I'd like better, but it would be entirely different for me to try to get my spouse's parents to give up one of their traditions. That's not really my call in the way it might be with my own family of birth.

Exactly. OP is not just bowing out of Thanksgiving at MILs for the year - she declared herself hostess for all her inlaws.

OP here and nope, not true. We have said we are staying here. Others are welcome and invited. But we know and invitation is not a summons, and they can do as they please with no fear of guilt trips or moaning and groaning from us. If they all end up at MIL's, so be it. We will still come to her for some holidays, but not ALL. We are over ALL holidays being command performances at her house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL hosts Thanksgiving. Period. End of Story. When she is dead someone else can host. This seems to work for my in laws. Sure I'd like to host but it isn't worth the fight. So I pick another day (a few months later) and invite the whole family.

+1 I'm in this boat and not about to rock it. We bring the ham!

Yep. Assuming that MIL is only this attached to Thanksgiving, it really does sound like OP is engaged in a massive power play. She could have picked a different holiday to take over. She also didn't have to make hers "the" family thanksgiving by inviting all the relatives in April (!!). OP could have just celebrated at home with a small group instead of insisting on taking the whole thing over. It seems really pretty mean. OP why don't you just do Easter or Christmas?

Per OP’s posts, MIL hosts literally everything, and always has. OP just wants one holiday. I understand not wanting to travel for every single holiday with young kids.

I thought they alternated years. One year with OP side of the family, and next with MIL side. So, not travelling ever single holiday, and she has said her side of the family lets OP host sometimes. OP is wanting the chance to host the inlaws now.

Yes. We typically do two holidays with my family--either Thanksgiving or Christmas, and either Easter or Independence Day; then the other two holidays are with his family. In that regard, we have always made it clear that equal holiday time is spent with each family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what does everyone else say? Are you sure the BIL, cousin, Aunt/Uncle will be coming to your house? It sounds like your MIL is assuming they will come to her?

OP here. Thank you, this is a good point. Everyone else is excited for a change, especially because all the cousins always have tons of fun at our house, which is open/kid-friendly and has more sleeping space for overnight guests. We all make it work at MIL's house, but we have more room for people to sleep comfortably, and the kids like playing basketball in our driveway, playing with the wii, etc. This is a closer/more convenient trip for the single cousin, nearly equidistant for everyone else.

What did MIL/FIL, BIL and DH do when they were growing up? Did MIL have to schlep to her in laws every other Thanksgiving and only recently has she been able to be the host? If you have been together for 7 years, that means 3-4 Thanksgivings with MIL at her house. Maybe she thought “her turn” would be more than that and thought she was creating a tradition for her grandchildren.

Just trying to see MIL perspective as to why she is digging in her heals. I am in the camp that it is fun to host holidays like Thanksgiving, but I am wondering if DH and I will be the skipped generation that rarely hosts because we had to schlep back and forth between my parents and DH’s parents, only hosting occasionally and when our boys have their own families we will have to go to them (they are 19 and 21). Now both of our parents are gone, but we still have to schlep to others for holidays because of other mitigating factors. I will not be mad and we will go wherever our children are as long as we can, but I will be a tad sad.

I think planning this well in advance is the way to go. MIL may need more time to adjust and eventually acquiesce (but maybe with a little more resistance).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what does everyone else say? Are you sure the BIL, cousin, Aunt/Uncle will be coming to your house? It sounds like your MIL is assuming they will come to her?

OP here. Thank you, this is a good point. Everyone else is excited for a change, especially because all the cousins always have tons of fun at our house, which is open/kid-friendly and has more sleeping space for overnight guests. We all make it work at MIL's house, but we have more room for people to sleep comfortably, and the kids like playing basketball in our driveway, playing with the wii, etc. This is a closer/more convenient trip for the single cousin, nearly equidistant for everyone else.

What did MIL/FIL, BIL and DH do when they were growing up? Did MIL have to schlep to her in laws every other Thanksgiving and only recently has she been able to be the host? If you have been together for 7 years, that means 3-4 Thanksgivings with MIL at her house. Maybe she thought “her turn” would be more than that and thought she was creating a tradition for her grandchildren.

Just trying to see MIL perspective as to why she is digging in her heals. I am in the camp that it is fun to host holidays like Thanksgiving, but I am wondering if DH and I will be the skipped generation that rarely hosts because we had to schlep back and forth between my parents and DH’s parents, only hosting occasionally and when our boys have their own families we will have to go to them (they are 19 and 21). Now both of our parents are gone, but we still have to schlep to others for holidays because of other mitigating factors. I will not be mad and we will go wherever our children are as long as we can, but I will be a tad sad.

I think planning this well in advance is the way to go. MIL may need more time to adjust and eventually acquiesce (but maybe with a little more resistance).

OP here. I mentioned this pages ago, but I get that it may have gotten lost, and not everyone wants to read so many pages! DH says that there was a mix of hosting. Sometimes his maternal grandma/granddad hosted, and sometimes other adult family members hosted, and sometimes MIL hosted. This was true for all holidays, and the majority of holidays were spent only with MIL's side of DH's family, as with the FIL's side, it's complicated. So maybe that's part of it---she is used to having ALL holidays, and feels that "allowing" us to be with my family for half of holidays is a sacrifice. But DH and I don't see it that way at all. We see it as the only reasonable way to celebrate holidays with our two, close-knit families on both "sides."

Look, if I was the only one in the whole scenario who didn't want to just always be at her house, always, that would be one thing. But that's not true. We love to cook and host, my BIL and SIL love to cook and host, and we want to not always have to travel and always be the guests.

We also are willing to have her host some of the time, still. But after seven years with only one holiday (an Easter) that we've hosted, and no holidays that BIL/SIL have hosted, how is it not time to mix it up? We've done our best to give ample notice and make it clear that her friends are invited, and we do understand if she and any of DH's family choose to go to her house, instead. I guess you can't win for losing, because giving ample time has been translated here as a power play, which it wasn't intended to be on our parts.

[Anonymous]

So, your MIL always hosts a Thanksgiving at her house and you choose to go every other year. And you and your DH decided that the year that you normally visit her that you will host, you will invite everyone months in advance so they come to you instead of MIL and you knew that she would not be able to come because she hosts her friends.

Honestly, OP, you look bad in this. You are not only not going to your MIL on her year, you are stealing her guests. Your husband should have spoken to her before you invited other people. Inviting her friends to drive 2.5 hours away is not the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, your MIL always hosts a Thanksgiving at her house and you choose to go every other year. And you and your DH decided that the year that you normally visit her that you will host, you will invite everyone months in advance so they come to you instead of MIL and you knew that she would not be able to come because she hosts her friends.

Honestly, OP, you look bad in this. You are not only not going to your MIL on her year, you are stealing her guests. Your husband should have spoken to her before you invited other people. Inviting her friends to drive 2.5 hours away is not the same.

Wouldn't it be awful if that is what happened? And yet it isn't.
1) OP didn't do this unilaterally. Husband agreed and was the actual one to communicate via the phone call to MIL.
2) After the phone call to MIL, OP and her husband emailed the other guests.
3) It is clear that MIL is invited. It is clear that MIL's friends are invited. It's a reasonable daytrip, or I'm sure anyone is welcome to either stay overnight or get a hotel. OP made a point to say dinner could be early so travelers could get home on the early side.
4) MIL can absolutely choose to be with her family, and graciously allow someone else to host, or can stay home. The friends can decide to decline or accept. No one is being held at gunpoint.

Stealing guests? LOL. After 7 years with others experessing enthusiasm for mixing it up and sharing hosting duties, and ample notification time, grown adults can go where they want. MIL needs to understand that she can't rule holidays with an iron fist anymore. Nobody wants that.

[Anonymous]

Why does every holiday have to include so much family? Traveling two and a half to three hours is a lot, especially on a crazy travel weekend.

OP, you would have been on firmer ground to have just said that the travel on a busy weekend is too much for you, so your nuclear family will be celebrating at home. You then could have asked your husband's mother if she would like to join you. With a yes to that, you could have gone ahead and invited her usual guests.

Instead, you told her that you would be inviting her and her usual guests to your house even though you knew that that is not what she wanted. There's a difference between not wanting to travel yourself and deciding unilaterally to move the whole party to your house.

For instance, in my neighborhood, there's a family that throws a big St. Patrick's day party every year and many of the neighbors attend. It is a tradition and everyone enjoys and looks forward to this party each year. The party also includes many friends of these neighbors who don't live in our neighborhood.

What if one year I decided to invite the entire guest list from that party to my house for St. Patrick's day and I sent out the invitations in September? Don't you think my neighbors who have always given this party would be justifiably upset with me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does every holiday have to include so much family? Traveling two and a half to three hours is a lot, especially on a crazy travel weekend.

OP, you would have been on firmer ground to have just said that the travel on a busy weekend is too much for you, so your nuclear family will be celebrating at home. You then could have asked your husband's mother if she would like to join you. With a yes to that, you could have gone ahead and invited her usual guests.

Instead, you told her that you would be inviting her and her usual guests to your house even though you knew that that is not what she wanted. There's a difference between not wanting to travel yourself and deciding unilaterally to move the whole party to your house.

For instance, in my neighborhood, there's a family that throws a big St. Patrick's day party every year and many of the neighbors attend. It is a tradition and everyone enjoys and looks forward to this party each year. The party also includes many friends of these neighbors who don't live in our neighborhood.

What if one year I decided to invite the entire guest list from that party to my house for St. Patrick's day and I sent out the invitations in September? Don't you think my neighbors who have always given this party would be justifiably upset with me?

+1. OP still hasn't clarified if MIL knew they were going to be inviting everyone now, 7 months early, or if the other guests knew - when they were invited and accepted - that their usual hostess by not on board and possibly didn't know they were being invited this far out.

OP, your arguments for wanting to host are valid, of course. But based on how the invitations were handled and who knew what when, it can come across as a power play of sorts. You say you don't care if everyone still goes to MILs, but if you're invitations to them implied MIL was already in agreement with the change of plans, you've put them in an awkward spot (which is rude). I'm thinking more of the aunt/uncle. It's obvious OP and SIL are all for blowing up this hold MIL has.

[Anonymous]

OP - you handled this perfectly. There are a lot of posters n here looking for fault. I guess that is the DCUM way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you handled this perfectly. There are a lot of posters n here looking for fault. I guess that is the DCUM way.

[Anonymous]

Make your own traditions. People will resist change, no way around that until they are ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every holiday have to include so much family? Traveling two and a half to three hours is a lot, especially on a crazy travel weekend.

OP, you would have been on firmer ground to have just said that the travel on a busy weekend is too much for you, so your nuclear family will be celebrating at home. You then could have asked your husband's mother if she would like to join you. With a yes to that, you could have gone ahead and invited her usual guests.

Instead, you told her that you would be inviting her and her usual guests to your house even though you knew that that is not what she wanted. There's a difference between not wanting to travel yourself and deciding unilaterally to move the whole party to your house.

For instance, in my neighborhood, there's a family that throws a big St. Patrick's day party every year and many of the neighbors attend. It is a tradition and everyone enjoys and looks forward to this party each year. The party also includes many friends of these neighbors who don't live in our neighborhood.

What if one year I decided to invite the entire guest list from that party to my house for St. Patrick's day and I sent out the invitations in September? Don't you think my neighbors who have always given this party would be justifiably upset with me?

+1. OP still hasn't clarified if MIL knew they were going to be inviting everyone now, 7 months early, or if the other guests knew - when they were invited and accepted - that their usual hostess by not on board and possibly didn't know they were being invited this far out.

OP, your arguments for wanting to host are valid, of course. But based on how the invitations were handled and who knew what when, it can come across as a power play of sorts. You say you don't care if everyone still goes to MILs, but if you're invitations to them implied MIL was already in agreement with the change of plans, you've put them in an awkward spot (which is rude). I'm thinking more of the aunt/uncle. It's obvious OP and SIL are all for blowing up this hold MIL has.

In regard to the bolded, if this were their own mother, it would be one thing. We all try to get our own way with our own mothers , but it's not really fair to try to do that with a spouse's mom. If it were the family you grew up in that you want to change, have at it, but I wouldn't try to change the traditions of the family that is not my childhood family. It does come across as trying to exercise power over the mother of your husband.

It makes perfect sense to stay home if you don't want to travel, but it's not really fair play to try to move the party to your house. Not the same thing as saying that we need to stay home this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just his parents? Who else is invited?

OP here. I should have mentioned—BIL and his wife and two kids are coming and staying overnight. DH’s single cousin is coming, he can bring friends if he wants. DH aunt and uncle also coming. DH’s parents could also stay overnight with us if they choose to. We also have 2 kids.

Your MIL is being silly. She can tell her friends that times are changing and she will be going to your house this year.

Don’t push on your end though—let her sons be the ones to get her the rest of the way on this. “Mom, are you really not going to come see all of us? C’mon, we still want you to make your famous pecan pie (or whatever).”

Yes, your MIL is engaging in magical thinking that if she doesn't host that her friends can not figure out something else to do that day. Amazingly they can and will even if that means they stay at home which btw may be exactly what they want to do.

Personally, I hate Thanksgiving and we never host. I would be fine if no one invited us either because I would love the day to stay at home, hang out, do nothing, and no big cooking to do.

True, the friends could find something else to do, but some people really like traditions. Some people really like celebrating holidays the same way every year- that's the definition of a tradition.

Sure, you can do new things and some people like to do new and different things every year, but some families really get a sense of warmth and comfort from gathering together in the same place, with the same people year after year. Different families and friend groups like to do different things.

One is not better than the other, but it's not entirely fair to try to push a family you've married into to change because you want them to. It's one thing if I want my mom and dad to do things differently and I push them to do what I'd like better, but it would be entirely different for me to try to get my spouse's parents to give up one of their traditions. That's not really my call in the way it might be with my own family of birth.

Exactly. OP is not just bowing out of Thanksgiving at MILs for the year - she declared herself hostess for all her inlaws.

OP here and nope, not true. We have said we are staying here. Others are welcome and invited. But we know and invitation is not a summons, and they can do as they please with no fear of guilt trips or moaning and groaning from us. If they all end up at MIL's, so be it. We will still come to her for some holidays, but not ALL. We are over ALL holidays being command performances at her house.

"we" or you? you really are coming off as having a grudge against your MIL without really explaining why she deserves it.