MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make your own traditions. People will resist change, no way around that until they are ready.

Making your own traditions is great. Trying to change someone else's traditions (which they have given no indication of wanting to change) is overstepping. In this particular case, it comes across as trying to wrest "control" from the mother in law and showing her that you would like the family to do things your way.

Having a Thanksgiving dinner at the home where the now adult kids grew up is a pretty common tradition in the US, so it is not like the mother in law has been doing some crazy thing to welcome her kids in their childhood home.

[Anonymous]

Op, I'm curious - if you wanted to start a new tradition, why didn't you start your new tradition when it was your parents' turn for Thanksgiving? Why did you wait until it was MIL's turn and then decide you want to host and not travel?

It would have gone over a lot more smoothly if, on your parents' turn, you hosted and invited all the in-laws (BIL, SIL, aunt, uncle, MIL, friends etc.) I think MIL would have been more willing to make the change because she got a bonus holiday when it wasn't her turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every holiday have to include so much family? Traveling two and a half to three hours is a lot, especially on a crazy travel weekend.

OP, you would have been on firmer ground to have just said that the travel on a busy weekend is too much for you, so your nuclear family will be celebrating at home. You then could have asked your husband's mother if she would like to join you. With a yes to that, you could have gone ahead and invited her usual guests.

Instead, you told her that you would be inviting her and her usual guests to your house even though you knew that that is not what she wanted. There's a difference between not wanting to travel yourself and deciding unilaterally to move the whole party to your house.

For instance, in my neighborhood, there's a family that throws a big St. Patrick's day party every year and many of the neighbors attend. It is a tradition and everyone enjoys and looks forward to this party each year. The party also includes many friends of these neighbors who don't live in our neighborhood.

What if one year I decided to invite the entire guest list from that party to my house for St. Patrick's day and I sent out the invitations in September? Don't you think my neighbors who have always given this party would be justifiably upset with me?

+1. OP still hasn't clarified if MIL knew they were going to be inviting everyone now, 7 months early, or if the other guests knew - when they were invited and accepted - that their usual hostess by not on board and possibly didn't know they were being invited this far out.

OP, your arguments for wanting to host are valid, of course. But based on how the invitations were handled and who knew what when, it can come across as a power play of sorts. You say you don't care if everyone still goes to MILs, but if you're invitations to them implied MIL was already in agreement with the change of plans, you've put them in an awkward spot (which is rude). I'm thinking more of the aunt/uncle. It's obvious OP and SIL are all for blowing up this hold MIL has.

Yes, I have clarified that, and yes, she did know ahead of time we’d be reaching out this early. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every holiday have to include so much family? Traveling two and a half to three hours is a lot, especially on a crazy travel weekend.

OP, you would have been on firmer ground to have just said that the travel on a busy weekend is too much for you, so your nuclear family will be celebrating at home. You then could have asked your husband's mother if she would like to join you. With a yes to that, you could have gone ahead and invited her usual guests.

Instead, you told her that you would be inviting her and her usual guests to your house even though you knew that that is not what she wanted. There's a difference between not wanting to travel yourself and deciding unilaterally to move the whole party to your house.

For instance, in my neighborhood, there's a family that throws a big St. Patrick's day party every year and many of the neighbors attend. It is a tradition and everyone enjoys and looks forward to this party each year. The party also includes many friends of these neighbors who don't live in our neighborhood.

What if one year I decided to invite the entire guest list from that party to my house for St. Patrick's day and I sent out the invitations in September? Don't you think my neighbors who have always given this party would be justifiably upset with me?

+1. OP still hasn't clarified if MIL knew they were going to be inviting everyone now, 7 months early, or if the other guests knew - when they were invited and accepted - that their usual hostess by not on board and possibly didn't know they were being invited this far out.

OP, your arguments for wanting to host are valid, of course. But based on how the invitations were handled and who knew what when, it can come across as a power play of sorts. You say you don't care if everyone still goes to MILs, but if you're invitations to them implied MIL was already in agreement with the change of plans, you've put them in an awkward spot (which is rude). I'm thinking more of the aunt/uncle. It's obvious OP and SIL are all for blowing up this hold MIL has.

In regard to the bolded, if this were their own mother, it would be one thing. We all try to get our own way with our own mothers , but it's not really fair to try to do that with a spouse's mom. If it were the family you grew up in that you want to change, have at it, but I wouldn't try to change the traditions of the family that is not my childhood family. It does come across as trying to exercise power over the mother of your husband.

It makes perfect sense to stay home if you don't want to travel, but it's not really fair play to try to move the party to your house. Not the same thing as saying that we need to stay home this year.

OP here and what part of DH and I discussed this together, HE called his mom, and WE sent an email is unclear? I didn’t do this; DH and I did this together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm curious - if you wanted to start a new tradition, why didn't you start your new tradition when it was your parents' turn for Thanksgiving? Why did you wait until it was MIL's turn and then decide you want to host and not travel?

It would have gone over a lot more smoothly if, on your parents' turn, you hosted and invited all the in-laws (BIL, SIL, aunt, uncle, MIL, friends etc.) I think MIL would have been more willing to make the change because she got a bonus holiday when it wasn't her turn.

BINGO! OP's agenda is to host her INLAWS to show off her fine china.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just his parents? Who else is invited?

OP here. I should have mentioned—BIL and his wife and two kids are coming and staying overnight. DH’s single cousin is coming, he can bring friends if he wants. DH aunt and uncle also coming. DH’s parents could also stay overnight with us if they choose to. We also have 2 kids.

Your MIL is being silly. She can tell her friends that times are changing and she will be going to your house this year.

Don’t push on your end though—let her sons be the ones to get her the rest of the way on this. “Mom, are you really not going to come see all of us? C’mon, we still want you to make your famous pecan pie (or whatever).”

Yes, your MIL is engaging in magical thinking that if she doesn't host that her friends can not figure out something else to do that day. Amazingly they can and will even if that means they stay at home which btw may be exactly what they want to do.

Personally, I hate Thanksgiving and we never host. I would be fine if no one invited us either because I would love the day to stay at home, hang out, do nothing, and no big cooking to do.

True, the friends could find something else to do, but some people really like traditions. Some people really like celebrating holidays the same way every year- that's the definition of a tradition.

Sure, you can do new things and some people like to do new and different things every year, but some families really get a sense of warmth and comfort from gathering together in the same place, with the same people year after year. Different families and friend groups like to do different things.

One is not better than the other, but it's not entirely fair to try to push a family you've married into to change because you want them to. It's one thing if I want my mom and dad to do things differently and I push them to do what I'd like better, but it would be entirely different for me to try to get my spouse's parents to give up one of their traditions. That's not really my call in the way it might be with my own family of birth.

Exactly. OP is not just bowing out of Thanksgiving at MILs for the year - she declared herself hostess for all her inlaws.

OP here and nope, not true. We have said we are staying here. Others are welcome and invited. But we know and invitation is not a summons, and they can do as they please with no fear of guilt trips or moaning and groaning from us. If they all end up at MIL's, so be it. We will still come to her for some holidays, but not ALL. We are over ALL holidays being command performances at her house.

"we" or you? you really are coming off as having a grudge against your MIL without really explaining why she deserves it.

We. As in my husband and I.

You can try to say I have more issues with her, but I don’t. We truly get along. But WE are over her monopoly on holiday hosting, which WE have put up with for seven years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every holiday have to include so much family? Traveling two and a half to three hours is a lot, especially on a crazy travel weekend.

OP, you would have been on firmer ground to have just said that the travel on a busy weekend is too much for you, so your nuclear family will be celebrating at home. You then could have asked your husband's mother if she would like to join you. With a yes to that, you could have gone ahead and invited her usual guests.

Instead, you told her that you would be inviting her and her usual guests to your house even though you knew that that is not what she wanted. There's a difference between not wanting to travel yourself and deciding unilaterally to move the whole party to your house.

For instance, in my neighborhood, there's a family that throws a big St. Patrick's day party every year and many of the neighbors attend. It is a tradition and everyone enjoys and looks forward to this party each year. The party also includes many friends of these neighbors who don't live in our neighborhood.

What if one year I decided to invite the entire guest list from that party to my house for St. Patrick's day and I sent out the invitations in September? Don't you think my neighbors who have always given this party would be justifiably upset with me?

+1. OP still hasn't clarified if MIL knew they were going to be inviting everyone now, 7 months early, or if the other guests knew - when they were invited and accepted - that their usual hostess by not on board and possibly didn't know they were being invited this far out.

OP, your arguments for wanting to host are valid, of course. But based on how the invitations were handled and who knew what when, it can come across as a power play of sorts. You say you don't care if everyone still goes to MILs, but if you're invitations to them implied MIL was already in agreement with the change of plans, you've put them in an awkward spot (which is rude). I'm thinking more of the aunt/uncle. It's obvious OP and SIL are all for blowing up this hold MIL has.

In regard to the bolded, if this were their own mother, it would be one thing. We all try to get our own way with our own mothers , but it's not really fair to try to do that with a spouse's mom. If it were the family you grew up in that you want to change, have at it, but I wouldn't try to change the traditions of the family that is not my childhood family. It does come across as trying to exercise power over the mother of your husband.

It makes perfect sense to stay home if you don't want to travel, but it's not really fair play to try to move the party to your house. Not the same thing as saying that we need to stay home this year.

OP here and what part of DH and I discussed this together, HE called his mom, and WE sent an email is unclear? I didn’t do this; DH and I did this together.

Yeah, and what does your DH actually think? Is he as eager to use your china, show your hosting skills, and have it be THIS thanksgiving (as opposed to the Thanksgiving with your parents next year, Easter, Christmas, or 4th of July?)

You still haven't answered whether you think your MIL would have been ok with doing a different holiday, and if Thanksgiving is particularly special to her.

There were a LOT of ways you could have done this that were kinder and more cooperative, and respectful of your MIL, but you chose a bulldozer approach. Maybe you have justification for that, but I haven't seen it.

I'm someone who absolutely believes in standing up to problematic relatives and drawing clear lines about behavior ... but nothing you've described here really reflects that sort of situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just his parents? Who else is invited?

OP here. I should have mentioned—BIL and his wife and two kids are coming and staying overnight. DH’s single cousin is coming, he can bring friends if he wants. DH aunt and uncle also coming. DH’s parents could also stay overnight with us if they choose to. We also have 2 kids.

Your MIL is being silly. She can tell her friends that times are changing and she will be going to your house this year.

Don’t push on your end though—let her sons be the ones to get her the rest of the way on this. “Mom, are you really not going to come see all of us? C’mon, we still want you to make your famous pecan pie (or whatever).”

Yes, your MIL is engaging in magical thinking that if she doesn't host that her friends can not figure out something else to do that day. Amazingly they can and will even if that means they stay at home which btw may be exactly what they want to do.

Personally, I hate Thanksgiving and we never host. I would be fine if no one invited us either because I would love the day to stay at home, hang out, do nothing, and no big cooking to do.

True, the friends could find something else to do, but some people really like traditions. Some people really like celebrating holidays the same way every year- that's the definition of a tradition.

Sure, you can do new things and some people like to do new and different things every year, but some families really get a sense of warmth and comfort from gathering together in the same place, with the same people year after year. Different families and friend groups like to do different things.

One is not better than the other, but it's not entirely fair to try to push a family you've married into to change because you want them to. It's one thing if I want my mom and dad to do things differently and I push them to do what I'd like better, but it would be entirely different for me to try to get my spouse's parents to give up one of their traditions. That's not really my call in the way it might be with my own family of birth.

Exactly. OP is not just bowing out of Thanksgiving at MILs for the year - she declared herself hostess for all her inlaws.

OP here and nope, not true. We have said we are staying here. Others are welcome and invited. But we know and invitation is not a summons, and they can do as they please with no fear of guilt trips or moaning and groaning from us. If they all end up at MIL's, so be it. We will still come to her for some holidays, but not ALL. We are over ALL holidays being command performances at her house.

"we" or you? you really are coming off as having a grudge against your MIL without really explaining why she deserves it.

We. As in my husband and I.

You can try to say I have more issues with her, but I don’t. We truly get along. But WE are over her monopoly on holiday hosting, which WE have put up with for seven years.

I seriously, seriously doubt your DH is going around complaining that his mom has a "monopoly on holiday hosting." This is YOU, and your DH is going along with it. Also how can she have a "monopoly on hosting" if you only spend every other holiday there? What does she do to enforce this monopoly on EVERY SINGLE holiday? Why did you have to "host" the entire traditional event, as opposed to just saying "MIL we are staying home this year"? Why couldn't you host your own family next year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm curious - if you wanted to start a new tradition, why didn't you start your new tradition when it was your parents' turn for Thanksgiving? Why did you wait until it was MIL's turn and then decide you want to host and not travel?

It would have gone over a lot more smoothly if, on your parents' turn, you hosted and invited all the in-laws (BIL, SIL, aunt, uncle, MIL, friends etc.) I think MIL would have been more willing to make the change because she got a bonus holiday when it wasn't her turn.

No, my family *already shares holiday hosting,* so there’s nothing new to change on that front. We already rotate with my parents, sister, and aunt—4 households in our mix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm curious - if you wanted to start a new tradition, why didn't you start your new tradition when it was your parents' turn for Thanksgiving? Why did you wait until it was MIL's turn and then decide you want to host and not travel?

It would have gone over a lot more smoothly if, on your parents' turn, you hosted and invited all the in-laws (BIL, SIL, aunt, uncle, MIL, friends etc.) I think MIL would have been more willing to make the change because she got a bonus holiday when it wasn't her turn.

BINGO! OP's agenda is to host her INLAWS to show off her fine china.

DP. OP already said that with her own family the host rotates. So there really isn’t a “tradition” to blow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm curious - if you wanted to start a new tradition, why didn't you start your new tradition when it was your parents' turn for Thanksgiving? Why did you wait until it was MIL's turn and then decide you want to host and not travel?

It would have gone over a lot more smoothly if, on your parents' turn, you hosted and invited all the in-laws (BIL, SIL, aunt, uncle, MIL, friends etc.) I think MIL would have been more willing to make the change because she got a bonus holiday when it wasn't her turn.

BINGO! OP's agenda is to host her INLAWS to show off her fine china.

OP said she's already hosted her own family and they already rotate houses. Why should she give his family an extra year during her family's turn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just his parents? Who else is invited?

OP here. I should have mentioned—BIL and his wife and two kids are coming and staying overnight. DH’s single cousin is coming, he can bring friends if he wants. DH aunt and uncle also coming. DH’s parents could also stay overnight with us if they choose to. We also have 2 kids.

Your MIL is being silly. She can tell her friends that times are changing and she will be going to your house this year.

Don’t push on your end though—let her sons be the ones to get her the rest of the way on this. “Mom, are you really not going to come see all of us? C’mon, we still want you to make your famous pecan pie (or whatever).”

Yes, your MIL is engaging in magical thinking that if she doesn't host that her friends can not figure out something else to do that day. Amazingly they can and will even if that means they stay at home which btw may be exactly what they want to do.

Personally, I hate Thanksgiving and we never host. I would be fine if no one invited us either because I would love the day to stay at home, hang out, do nothing, and no big cooking to do.

True, the friends could find something else to do, but some people really like traditions. Some people really like celebrating holidays the same way every year- that's the definition of a tradition.

Sure, you can do new things and some people like to do new and different things every year, but some families really get a sense of warmth and comfort from gathering together in the same place, with the same people year after year. Different families and friend groups like to do different things.

One is not better than the other, but it's not entirely fair to try to push a family you've married into to change because you want them to. It's one thing if I want my mom and dad to do things differently and I push them to do what I'd like better, but it would be entirely different for me to try to get my spouse's parents to give up one of their traditions. That's not really my call in the way it might be with my own family of birth.

Exactly. OP is not just bowing out of Thanksgiving at MILs for the year - she declared herself hostess for all her inlaws.

OP here and nope, not true. We have said we are staying here. Others are welcome and invited. But we know and invitation is not a summons, and they can do as they please with no fear of guilt trips or moaning and groaning from us. If they all end up at MIL's, so be it. We will still come to her for some holidays, but not ALL. We are over ALL holidays being command performances at her house.

"we" or you? you really are coming off as having a grudge against your MIL without really explaining why she deserves it.

We. As in my husband and I.

You can try to say I have more issues with her, but I don’t. We truly get along. But WE are over her monopoly on holiday hosting, which WE have put up with for seven years.

I seriously, seriously doubt your DH is going around complaining that his mom has a "monopoly on holiday hosting." This is YOU, and your DH is going along with it. Also how can she have a "monopoly on hosting" if you only spend every other holiday there? What does she do to enforce this monopoly on EVERY SINGLE holiday? Why did you have to "host" the entire traditional event, as opposed to just saying "MIL we are staying home this year"? Why couldn't you host your own family next year?

1. Her DH might not be saying the monopoly on hosting thing but he might not want to have to schlep to his mothers every holiday when he could stay in his own home. That’s the type of thing my DH would complain about...
2. Also why do ppl on here infantilize men so much? Her husband is a grown up if he doesn’t agree with her then he could certainly use his words to say so.

[Anonymous]

LOL I love you all are refusing to believe that a MAN could have a preference on hosting a holiday.

My husband doesn't like my mom's turkey. Since he entered the family he's been lobbying for us (as in me and him) to host. We've done it once (DH cooked the turkey, I did sides), and my sister has done it twice since then - turns out none of liked my mom's thanksgiving parties.

OP has said over and over that her husband was part of this plan from the beginning. Why do you find that so hard to believe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every holiday have to include so much family? Traveling two and a half to three hours is a lot, especially on a crazy travel weekend.

OP, you would have been on firmer ground to have just said that the travel on a busy weekend is too much for you, so your nuclear family will be celebrating at home. You then could have asked your husband's mother if she would like to join you. With a yes to that, you could have gone ahead and invited her usual guests.

Instead, you told her that you would be inviting her and her usual guests to your house even though you knew that that is not what she wanted. There's a difference between not wanting to travel yourself and deciding unilaterally to move the whole party to your house.

For instance, in my neighborhood, there's a family that throws a big St. Patrick's day party every year and many of the neighbors attend. It is a tradition and everyone enjoys and looks forward to this party each year. The party also includes many friends of these neighbors who don't live in our neighborhood.

What if one year I decided to invite the entire guest list from that party to my house for St. Patrick's day and I sent out the invitations in September? Don't you think my neighbors who have always given this party would be justifiably upset with me?

+1. OP still hasn't clarified if MIL knew they were going to be inviting everyone now, 7 months early, or if the other guests knew - when they were invited and accepted - that their usual hostess by not on board and possibly didn't know they were being invited this far out.

OP, your arguments for wanting to host are valid, of course. But based on how the invitations were handled and who knew what when, it can come across as a power play of sorts. You say you don't care if everyone still goes to MILs, but if you're invitations to them implied MIL was already in agreement with the change of plans, you've put them in an awkward spot (which is rude). I'm thinking more of the aunt/uncle. It's obvious OP and SIL are all for blowing up this hold MIL has.

In regard to the bolded, if this were their own mother, it would be one thing. We all try to get our own way with our own mothers , but it's not really fair to try to do that with a spouse's mom. If it were the family you grew up in that you want to change, have at it, but I wouldn't try to change the traditions of the family that is not my childhood family. It does come across as trying to exercise power over the mother of your husband.

It makes perfect sense to stay home if you don't want to travel, but it's not really fair play to try to move the party to your house. Not the same thing as saying that we need to stay home this year.

OP here and what part of DH and I discussed this together, HE called his mom, and WE sent an email is unclear? I didn’t do this; DH and I did this together.

Yeah, and what does your DH actually think? Is he as eager to use your china, show your hosting skills, and have it be THIS thanksgiving (as opposed to the Thanksgiving with your parents next year, Easter, Christmas, or 4th of July?)

You still haven't answered whether you think your MIL would have been ok with doing a different holiday, and if Thanksgiving is particularly special to her.

There were a LOT of ways you could have done this that were kinder and more cooperative, and respectful of your MIL, but you chose a bulldozer approach. Maybe you have justification for that, but I haven't seen it.

I'm someone who absolutely believes in standing up to problematic relatives and drawing clear lines about behavior ... but nothing you've described here really reflects that sort of situation.

I actually have answered: MIL has a monopoly on ALL holidays, and Thanksgiving is not her favorite. She expects to host Easter, 4th, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

DH loves to cook and wants to host, and make holiday memories in our home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm curious - if you wanted to start a new tradition, why didn't you start your new tradition when it was your parents' turn for Thanksgiving? Why did you wait until it was MIL's turn and then decide you want to host and not travel?

It would have gone over a lot more smoothly if, on your parents' turn, you hosted and invited all the in-laws (BIL, SIL, aunt, uncle, MIL, friends etc.) I think MIL would have been more willing to make the change because she got a bonus holiday when it wasn't her turn.

No, my family *already shares holiday hosting,* so there’s nothing new to change on that front. We already rotate with my parents, sister, and aunt—4 households in our mix.

So why are you so adamant on hosting THIS thanksgiving? It sounds like your only interest here is showing off to your Inlaws. It's not about hosting per se, but specifically about taking this holiday away from your MIL because you perceive her "monopoly" on hosting as inappropriate. Sheesh.

Honestly, I want you to write to Caroline Hax about this. Really curious to see what she would say. Please give her all the facts.